FarawayFromCars

Today is my mom's birthday. We all gathered at my new place, and AS showed up drunk. She had a black eye and a broken tooth and couldn't say how she got both. She knocked over a bunch of glassware and broke it. I asked her if she had been drinking. She denied it over and over. Denied it reeking of alcohol. Denied it and left a vodka bottle in the bathroom.
I calmly said, "you are drinking and that is not accetable in my house. You need to leave now.". She started crying and saying how mean I am, and I againg reiterated that her drinking is not welcome.
My dad took her to a rehab detox place. Sad that another family gathering has been hijacked by AS and her probs. Now just trying to focus on giving my mom a good bday.
This disease is so, so sad.

chicory

I am sorry that she messed up your moms day. It feels so yukky when that happens. wish I knew a magical trick, to start the day over.
I remember as a girl, with my AF, the occasional holiday would be ruined . Not sure why, but blessedly, I only remember a few.

hugs

fourmaggie

well, at least you set boundaries...that is a good sign...I know its hard and sad..but IF she really wants it to stay sober...she will...its her choice..yours is to look out for YOU(and family members)

URMYEVERYTHING

Good job on setting your boundaries.

I just have one question, who let her into the house? I'm thinking that if family is on board with when the doorbell rings, etc. to not let her in the house. That way she has no way of spoiling the party/gatherings completely.

FarawayFromCars

My dad told her to meet at our house. I have since asked him to talk to us first before inviting her to my house without my consent.

Live

That's along the lines of what I was thinking....that she had lost the privilege of knowing about future get togethers.

Back when my whole world was all about my (X)ABF I don't think there was a single special event or holiday that he didn't tremendously ruin....and turn into a hurtful disaster.

sandrawg

Man, it's such a problem when not everyone is on board with not enabling the A in the family Makes it hard for the people who DO refuse to enable. Good for you for sticking to your principles and doing the right thing, esp doing the right thing for your mom.

FarawayFromCars

Thanks everyone...I don't feel angry at her; just sad. I think I understand enough about her disease to know that anger does not solve anything...I know she didn't choose this disease. The only thing I can do is decide what's best for me and my family and how much contact I want with her while she is actively drinking.
How I wish my dad would get on board with this...my mom, talking to her tonight, seems to think along the lines that I do...but I also know and accept that I cannot control them (my parents) anymore than I can control her drinking.
I hope she finds her way back. That's all I can hope.

fourmaggie

I so agree with you Sandrawg.....have you thought about asking yourself and everyone to go at least 6 AL ANON meetings? just to get an idea and TOOLs, that when it come to FAMILY FUNCTIONS, you are all on the same PAGE...just a thought

Learn2Live

I never could get ANY of my family to go to Al-Anon. Although ONCE I did get my addict brother to go, but all he did was make a big, emotional deal about our childhood, which told me he was not ready for ANYthing and I never asked him to go again.

It's hard to convince others to do what is healthy for them and healthy for the family. A lot of people don't want to have to LEARN anything, to put forth the effort, because they can't see that it will make a difference. It seems we only go when we have hit our absolute ROCK BOTTOM and cannot find any other way out.

FarawayFromCars

My dad refuses to a.) go to Al-Anon and b.) stop enabling. He's convinced that as long as he is in control, he can save her. And the excuses always change. Now he says AS is living with them because "she can save $" so she "doesn't have to live in flea bag hotels" like she was before. What he fails to see...is that she makes these choices. She voluntarily left a detox place, a rehab place, and a sober living facility to go live at these pay-by-the-week places so she can continue to drink.
BUT...I know I can't change him (my dad) anymore than I can change AS. My mom seems to be coming around...last night she told me, "I've thought about therapy, but your dad doesn't want to go". I told her, "don't go for dad, go for yourself and learn some coping skills." I hope she does.
But this makes every family function a sh*tty walking on eggshells "is she? isn't she?" scenario...and that has to stop. Suggestions?

nodaybut2day

Ugh Faraway...that totally sucks. It almost feels as though your family is undermining your efforts and your boundaries. I don't know, but are you able to state clearly that if they (your family) lets your AS into your home, the door will be closed on her or she will be asked to leave. Alternately, if you aren't in your own home, you can always leave the function yourself. It would suck but it would definitely get the message through.

I'm sorry this is so heart-wrenching.

fourmaggie

do you know it only needs to take one person? one person in the family to change things for HER SELF and her HEALTHY well being...when other members of the family see that...hey, maybe they want a piece of the pie too...

I say still go to AL ANON alone...keep the boundaries in your home and your health from OTHERS also...meaning your dad...your dad is gonna have to respect YOUR BOUNDARIES when it comes to your A.sister....

you mom?...good for her!...she sees she needs the coping skills( about everything...including your dad ...)