HarryB

Hello everyone!

It has been 23 days since my last drink, almost 24. I would call myself "sober" being a dry alcoholic but it's complicated...
I am also a cocaine addict and I am not clean. That's technically still "sober" because it's not alcohol but I feel like a fraud using that word all the same.
Some people would say not to care about labels but labels have been an important part of recovery for me. Calling myself an "alcoholic" and an "addict" have been big steps. I want "sober" to the first positive label I can apply to myself.
I know the so-called "simple" answer to it all would be to get completely clean but I don't need to tell you all how very un-wimple that is.
This guilt about describing myself as "sober" makes me want to jack in my recovery completely sometimes. It feels like a case of "What's the point, isn't this good enough?"
I want to go to AA meetings but I'll feel like a fraud taking my 30 day chip when I'm still on the white stuff.

What to do? What to think?

Bamboozle

Well, if you aren't drinking you're sober. If you are using you are...what's the word...using?

Maybe try NA meetings too?


I'm overweight and argueably a food addict...but cutting out the booze has been and still is huge for me. I'm proud I don't drink.

Congratulations on your sober time!

Hope you can get off the coke soon. And remember, all of this label play going on in your brain...please don't use it as an excuse to drink again.

Dee74

Hi Harry

Good to see you

I'm not in any programme, so all I can say is for myself I wasn't 'clean and sober' until I stopped trying to run away from reality by altering my mind - for me that meant putting down the weed as well as the booze

is taking the chip important to you?
D

HarryB

NA meetings haven't gelled very well for me, I often find them triggering and having the majority of the group with a different DOC alienates me. I prefer to stick to AA because it's simpler and I don't feel spread too thinly. Going to both NA and AA should make me realise both problems are as serious but it actually does the opposite and makes me constantly compare and rate them in severity.
The label confusion is playing havok with my brain, I suppose it's the alcoholic part clutching at straws for reasons to drink.
I am a food addict too, I am bulimic. That also causes confusion for me when it comes to considering myself clean/sober etc. I never know if I have the 'right' to consider myself in recovery when I'm still engaging in bulimic behaviours. I don't know whether abstaining from one of my addictions is good enough and worthwhile on its own or whether it gives me a false sense of accomplishment that leads me further into my other addictions.

least

I think you answered your own questions...

HarryB

I definitely want to be able to say "I am clean and sober" and I know I need to be.
It's just that I feel guilty saying "sober" and having people assume that includes "clean" too. However, at the same time, being able to say I'm "sober" is a big deal to me and saying that I'm not or not taking that chip would be a blow for me. I'm really torn.

Dee74

I hope some AA types can give you more guidance Harry

D

Anna

One of the first things I had to learn in recovery, was to not care what others thought about me. A lot of the problems I had been having in my life were due to my concern of my image and what my neighbors and friends saw when they looked at me. My advice is to do what works for you, to thine own self be true. You are the one who matters.

luckedog

I agree, you have to do what works for you. AA did'nt work for me personally, however I tried many things-taking advice from this site- working the 12 steps for myself- reading everything could that explains why am an alcholic-the help of my sober friends- help from a good sponser- ect.ect. I keep trying and changing every day! It has worked for me (with the exception of a few minor setbacks) for nearly 12 mos. I fully intend to continue to do what ever works to keep me sober for the rest of my life, no matter what anyone else thinks of me!
I wish you the best in your struggles!

MagdaTheGreat

Isn't saying you're an alcoholic and an addict like saying you're from Los Angeles and California?

I'm an addict and my addiction can manifest itself in a 100 ways. If I quit drinking and start gambling, I'm not a sober gambler - I'm an addict who switched objects of addiction.

I have never understood the separation of AA and NA. Alcohol is not a special drug and alcoholics aren't special addicts.

artsoul

Welcome, Harry B! Congratulations on staying away from the drink.... I can see where you would want some affirmation of that. It's a big deal and whether you get a chip or not for it, you need to give yourself alot of credit.

I have yet to tackled my cigarette addiction, so I understand if you feel you can't do both at the same time. The only difference I would see is that continuing one mind-altering substance might make it too easy to continue using the other. But I wish you all the best and I'm glad you're here.:ghug3

DUNE

harry,

I think it's great that your sober and that you feel encouraged and motivated by your 30 day chip, or other things like personal "lables" that aid you in your recovery. Fortunately the only addiction I have other then alcohol is nicotine, and I am just dealing with my personal chalanges one at a time. I personaly don't look at my sucess in sobriety in the form of how many days sober I have been. I'm just working twards a time where I am both sober and happy. If it takes 30 days, great! If it takes 2 years, so be it.

I am currently at day 13, dealing with everything one day at a time, one addiction at a time, staying strong and doing everything I can to achive my goal. I hope we both make it there.

Dune.

gerryP

Congratulations on 24 days sober...that is huge!

Keep working on kicking the white stuff. It will happen when you decide.

nogard

if I use any mood or mind alter substances then I am not clean for me its that simple and I keep it that simple.

However, there is nothing to stop you going to AA or NA meetings, the 3rd traditions that the only requirement for memebership is the desire to stop using/drinking.

betterlate

Yeah, I've wondered about this especially since the one Cocaine Anonymous meeting I attended the caffeine was pushed on me real hard. I kept turning down the coffee, telling them that I don't want caffeine and the "coffee lady" of that night finally showed me a box of green tea saying "this doesn't have caffeine". (Yes it does.) I finally gave up and accepted a cup of the green tea, put the teabag in for like one second, then sipped it real slowly and sure enough, I was up all night (I really can't handle caffeine.)

I've noticed that both AA and the CA people are really into coffee, which, I hate to tell them is also a drug, an addictive drug, which causes well-known withdrawal symptoms and can have pathological effects on the mind and body. But maybe the way they see it is that coffee addiction is one heck of a lot better than alcohol addiction, and I suppose they'd be right about that.

DUNE

betterlate, I know just how you feel about the coffee. When I first started to attend AA (3 months ago) I was drinking coffee like it was water, at and away from the meetings. After my last relaps, I decided to quit the caffine, and it dramatically affected my sleep. Now I'm on a good sleeping pattern (hopefullly for good), something I didn't have before, even after 37 days sober. It feels so good to hit the sack at 10pm, fall asleep in 10 min, wake up at 6am and feel fully energized. Congrats on staying sober from the alcohol and the caffine.

Dune.

Kmber2010

Harry, first off congrats on not drinking and working recovery. Before you get too caught up in all the nonsense about labels, etc. you need to look at the facts. You are off the sauce my friend and that is a huge!!! I don't think you are a "fraud" since getting clean comes from within. You are tackling one demon at a time so I am certainly proud of you.

You have another addiction which you are battling. You will get there but please don't consume yourself with what others think and so on. Focus on you and take the necessary steps to work on your drug addiction. If NA doesn't work then maybe try counseling, rehab, etc.

I don't do AA but I would suggest that you discuss this with your sponsor and focus on continued sobriety and getting help for your other addiction.

Now that you off the sauce you have a clear mind to get the proper help.

Huggs and hang tight friend. Keep posting and sharing here. There is so much info and we all support you.

Jeb18

I agree with Dee. Last year when I was trying to recover again. I found out that using other substances like pot would substitute for drinking. I could go weeks without drinking when I was using pot. But, In my eyes being Sober and Clean would be not using any substance or abusing any substance.

Toronto68

Well, I don't have any experience with cocaine. But it was helpful for me to refer to myself as an addict as well as an alcoholic when I quit drinking. For some people the legality of alcohol use can be a justification tool, and I suppose that was part of the problem for me.

I understand why you would want to place an emphasis on not drinking. It's important. You ask whether you should refer to yourself as "sober," and my answer is that you are starting. I hope that doesn't sound high and mighty, because I say it from a position of feeling lucky to have my own version of freedom, and I want you to have yours too.

NEOMARXIST

For me I couldn't be sober without being clean and I couldn't be clean without being sober.

For me my recovery meant total abstinance from alcohol, drugs, tobacco. For me they weren't separate entities. Rather I would only be happy if I could do them alll. I was either in or out. The same applies to gambling too. I never really gambled much but I accept that I'm an addict an the way I think about gambling is exactly the same as how I thought about alcohol and drugs ie- totally dominant and totally affecting my mind and life. ie- mental obsession. So I abstain from ever gambling. I treat it the same as staying away from the first drink/drug.

For me my sobriety and recovery is a totally new life and way of thinking about and living my life. It has to be this way. It's nice being nice and drugs and alcohol aren't compatible with that. The person I would become with alcohol and drugs back in my life is not the person I like. I have a totally clean and clear conscience now. I like it like that. I can only have that by not taking any mind altering drugs into my life and by working my recovery program and living peace and love to the best of my ability.

I did a lot of Coke in a relatively short period of time, about 3 years. For me I didn't really like charlie without the booze. Too edgy and paranoid. Add alcohol and I was away. Instant euphoria and addict + I could keep drinking for way longer.

Getting and staying clean is much like alcohol in that's it's very much a mental obsession. Change your people, places and things and just stop buying Coke. I had to stop associating with anybody who used drugs and lived a life non-compatible to the life I had to lead ie- as a recovering alcoholic and addict. I found that embracing my recovery from alcoholism really filled the void that I used booze to fill. Like I say I wasn't a coke addict in that I didn't really care for it sober or without any other drug already in me. But I was a total Coke head when drinking. The pain from my nose/sinuses is still healing after over a year clean. That was a major factor in being through with drink and drugs. The pain I would get in my face after a heavy binge was a joke. I used to feel like my face was gonna fall off for weeks/months. I had to totally give up the booze to stay off the drugs and give up the drugs to stay off the booze.

All The best. Peace.