My life in a few paragraphs...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Maine
Posts: 7
My life in a few paragraphs...
Hello, I’m new to the forum. I’m not sure if my situation is too big for this forum. Here’s the quick version, although there’s nothing ‘quick’ about it:
I’m a 32 year old ACOA. My father was out of the picture when I was 1. My mother had 16 years of sobriety though my childhood. She was the best mother any child could ask for, loving, patient, kind, attentive to my every need. She was working back then as a nurse but had an accident there involving her lower back which put her out of commission permanently. She started to drink again my senior year in HS as she saw her only child ‘leaving’ her.
She was sexually abused by her psychologist in the 80’s, sued and settled out of court (first case in my state) and has spiraled downward for almost 20 years. She told me in my middle 20’s that her mother sexually abused her, she went into graphic details of her youth. I had only known this woman (my only grandmother) as a kind widow afraid of dying. After talking to my mother’s Brother and Sister (who didn’t know/remember any such thing) and meditating on this for a long time, I decided to continue my relationship with my grandmother. I didn’t know her as my mother did, and a big part of me didn’t believe her. I have had many conversations with my Aunt about how this could have been a memory implanted by that vicious psychologist. Now I’m not saying that part of her trauma isn’t real, the whole family is messed up. My Aunt weighs 400 pounds and my Uncle was a Doctor but had his license pulled twice for prescribing himself drugs. No one speaks to anyone else in my family, except me. My aunt and uncle had a falling out over my grandmother’s death and don’t speak at all, and my mother hasn’t spoken to anyone in the family since the late 80’s (except a few drunken phone calls in the middle of the night)
She went to Canada mid 90’s, spent all of her money, paid a Canadian to marry her (so she could get the Medical benefits). He stole the rest of her money, abused her, shared her with his friends, and then threatened her life if she ever uttered his name. She returned to the states and detoxed from an Opium addiction by herself. She’s been to numerous treatment centers. She’s labeled PTSD, Bi-Polar, SAD, Agoraphobic, with pancreatitis and I’m thinking she may be menopausal (53). She was in therapy but if she worked on the PTSD (from her childhood abuse) the alcoholism kicked in, if she worked on the Alcoholism the PTSD would kick in. It use to be that spring, summer, and fall were ‘good’ and then I’d ‘lose’ her again in the winter (drinking). She would call me at 2 in the morning in a flashback talking as if she was three years old curled up in a corner. I talked with a counselor and he said to say I love you, have her call a help line (because this was too big for me alone) and hang up the phone. This helped with the calls but she drank even more and tried to commit suicide many times. I set a boundary for myself that if she’s drinking I don’t go to see her. She is very verbally abusive and manipulative to me when she is drinking and she’s very mad at me for continuing a relationship with my grandmother.
A year and a half ago my grandmother died and I got married 3 months later. These two things have seemed to destroy anything that was left of my mother. She’s tried to go into 2 dual-diagnosis clinics but had to be rushed to the hospital both times because of her pancreas/spleen (the spleen came out the pancreas is only ½ working) and the clinics wouldn’t let her back in stating she was too medical for them to handle, and offered to put her back on the waiting list (approx. 1 year). She has no form of transportation except for a few toxic relationships she keeps open to abuse her and buy her booze. She is on disability so that pays for her rent and state aid pays for her MANY different meds and what food she sometimes manages to eat. She’s a brilliant woman (member of Mensa), but her continued statement to me is “Never become an Informed Consumer….THEY will consider you dangerous to the system and disregard you like surplus population”
There are no more ‘good’ days. I was (as she says) her only reason for living and she says she doesn’t want to live anymore. I know (in my adult brain) that I can’t do anything for her. She has to decide to stop drinking and then decide a healthy course of action for herself. But there is always that ‘little girl ACOA’ in me that thinks if I’m smart enough, I’ll figure out a way to help/save her. What are the boundaries of Tough Love? And can I live with myself for setting them if she kills herself?
I’m a 32 year old ACOA. My father was out of the picture when I was 1. My mother had 16 years of sobriety though my childhood. She was the best mother any child could ask for, loving, patient, kind, attentive to my every need. She was working back then as a nurse but had an accident there involving her lower back which put her out of commission permanently. She started to drink again my senior year in HS as she saw her only child ‘leaving’ her.
She was sexually abused by her psychologist in the 80’s, sued and settled out of court (first case in my state) and has spiraled downward for almost 20 years. She told me in my middle 20’s that her mother sexually abused her, she went into graphic details of her youth. I had only known this woman (my only grandmother) as a kind widow afraid of dying. After talking to my mother’s Brother and Sister (who didn’t know/remember any such thing) and meditating on this for a long time, I decided to continue my relationship with my grandmother. I didn’t know her as my mother did, and a big part of me didn’t believe her. I have had many conversations with my Aunt about how this could have been a memory implanted by that vicious psychologist. Now I’m not saying that part of her trauma isn’t real, the whole family is messed up. My Aunt weighs 400 pounds and my Uncle was a Doctor but had his license pulled twice for prescribing himself drugs. No one speaks to anyone else in my family, except me. My aunt and uncle had a falling out over my grandmother’s death and don’t speak at all, and my mother hasn’t spoken to anyone in the family since the late 80’s (except a few drunken phone calls in the middle of the night)
She went to Canada mid 90’s, spent all of her money, paid a Canadian to marry her (so she could get the Medical benefits). He stole the rest of her money, abused her, shared her with his friends, and then threatened her life if she ever uttered his name. She returned to the states and detoxed from an Opium addiction by herself. She’s been to numerous treatment centers. She’s labeled PTSD, Bi-Polar, SAD, Agoraphobic, with pancreatitis and I’m thinking she may be menopausal (53). She was in therapy but if she worked on the PTSD (from her childhood abuse) the alcoholism kicked in, if she worked on the Alcoholism the PTSD would kick in. It use to be that spring, summer, and fall were ‘good’ and then I’d ‘lose’ her again in the winter (drinking). She would call me at 2 in the morning in a flashback talking as if she was three years old curled up in a corner. I talked with a counselor and he said to say I love you, have her call a help line (because this was too big for me alone) and hang up the phone. This helped with the calls but she drank even more and tried to commit suicide many times. I set a boundary for myself that if she’s drinking I don’t go to see her. She is very verbally abusive and manipulative to me when she is drinking and she’s very mad at me for continuing a relationship with my grandmother.
A year and a half ago my grandmother died and I got married 3 months later. These two things have seemed to destroy anything that was left of my mother. She’s tried to go into 2 dual-diagnosis clinics but had to be rushed to the hospital both times because of her pancreas/spleen (the spleen came out the pancreas is only ½ working) and the clinics wouldn’t let her back in stating she was too medical for them to handle, and offered to put her back on the waiting list (approx. 1 year). She has no form of transportation except for a few toxic relationships she keeps open to abuse her and buy her booze. She is on disability so that pays for her rent and state aid pays for her MANY different meds and what food she sometimes manages to eat. She’s a brilliant woman (member of Mensa), but her continued statement to me is “Never become an Informed Consumer….THEY will consider you dangerous to the system and disregard you like surplus population”
There are no more ‘good’ days. I was (as she says) her only reason for living and she says she doesn’t want to live anymore. I know (in my adult brain) that I can’t do anything for her. She has to decide to stop drinking and then decide a healthy course of action for herself. But there is always that ‘little girl ACOA’ in me that thinks if I’m smart enough, I’ll figure out a way to help/save her. What are the boundaries of Tough Love? And can I live with myself for setting them if she kills herself?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Musica,
Welcome and no, there is never a problem that is too big. We begin with ourselves and go from there. Have you found or looked for an al-anon meeting close to you? I encourage you to find one and there will be others much wiser than myself along soon to their assitance.
I am glad that you have found us here....this forum has been wonderful for me and I hope that you find the same.
Blessings
Constant
Welcome and no, there is never a problem that is too big. We begin with ourselves and go from there. Have you found or looked for an al-anon meeting close to you? I encourage you to find one and there will be others much wiser than myself along soon to their assitance.
I am glad that you have found us here....this forum has been wonderful for me and I hope that you find the same.
Blessings
Constant
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Maine
Posts: 7
Thanks for the welcome Constant!
I live in the proverbial Boonies. It takes me 45 minutes one way to get to the grocery store. The closest Al-anon meeting is 2 hours away making it extremely difficult. I was considering therapy but I don't think my health insurance covers mental health. I'll check deeper into that. Again, thanks for the warm welcome....I've been holding on to all this for TOO long.
I live in the proverbial Boonies. It takes me 45 minutes one way to get to the grocery store. The closest Al-anon meeting is 2 hours away making it extremely difficult. I was considering therapy but I don't think my health insurance covers mental health. I'll check deeper into that. Again, thanks for the warm welcome....I've been holding on to all this for TOO long.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Musica and welcome.
Scroll up to the top of the forum and look at the thread titled "power posts". In there you'll find a lot of good reading. In particular, there is a post titled "book club" that has reading recommendations from our members. That would be a good place to start if you can't get to meetings regularly.
You can't save your mom, any more than it is your responsibility that she's drinking. All you can do is decide how much of her insanity is tolerable in your life.
I'm glad you joined us.
Hugs,
Smoke
Scroll up to the top of the forum and look at the thread titled "power posts". In there you'll find a lot of good reading. In particular, there is a post titled "book club" that has reading recommendations from our members. That would be a good place to start if you can't get to meetings regularly.
You can't save your mom, any more than it is your responsibility that she's drinking. All you can do is decide how much of her insanity is tolerable in your life.
I'm glad you joined us.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
(((Musica)))
well Musica,your Mom certainly has some big problems.
as others have said theres not a whole lot you can do
about it , you can support her with love and thats a big
one. other then that continue to take care of yourself,
it takes courage to let go of someone we love and move
on living our own lives as best we can.
Know that most of us here had to get to a place in our
lives where we just couldnt "save" anymore,pretty much the bottom for myself.
Keep coming back here,theres plenty of love and support.
Are you sure there arent any groups closer? I'm pretty out
in the country and yet theres plenty of groups within a half hr ride.
hugs
liddy
well Musica,your Mom certainly has some big problems.
as others have said theres not a whole lot you can do
about it , you can support her with love and thats a big
one. other then that continue to take care of yourself,
it takes courage to let go of someone we love and move
on living our own lives as best we can.
Know that most of us here had to get to a place in our
lives where we just couldnt "save" anymore,pretty much the bottom for myself.
Keep coming back here,theres plenty of love and support.
Are you sure there arent any groups closer? I'm pretty out
in the country and yet theres plenty of groups within a half hr ride.
hugs
liddy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Maine
Posts: 7
I'm hearing you all.....but how much letting go is ok? What defines Tough Love?
I'm the classic ACOA-hero who can bear the weight of the world and has troubles setting boundries. It takes all I can to just call her on occassion and listen to her self-victimization stories. Detaching sounds like a fabulous way of being, but I feel so far from that point.
I don't mean to sound crass but when she starts talking about all her problems past and present with the booze in hand I feel like saying listen Eeore, poor me doesn't work! I have no pity left! Deal with it, get over it, and LIVE life instead of having your life live you!
I do have a wonderful husband who is extremely understanding and helpful, which is a blessing, but we are both just throwing up our hands...he's still very mad at her for what she did/does do to me so he hasn't spoken to her in almost 2 years. But I know in reality...I'm letting her get to me. It's her problem, not mine and I have to let her live out her own life however that may be.
We use to have such a beautiful relationship when I was younger, I really miss her.
I'll keep checking around for closer Al-anon groups and I'm looking forward to do some new reading from the 'book club', thank you for those suggestions. You all are great!
I'm the classic ACOA-hero who can bear the weight of the world and has troubles setting boundries. It takes all I can to just call her on occassion and listen to her self-victimization stories. Detaching sounds like a fabulous way of being, but I feel so far from that point.
I don't mean to sound crass but when she starts talking about all her problems past and present with the booze in hand I feel like saying listen Eeore, poor me doesn't work! I have no pity left! Deal with it, get over it, and LIVE life instead of having your life live you!
I do have a wonderful husband who is extremely understanding and helpful, which is a blessing, but we are both just throwing up our hands...he's still very mad at her for what she did/does do to me so he hasn't spoken to her in almost 2 years. But I know in reality...I'm letting her get to me. It's her problem, not mine and I have to let her live out her own life however that may be.
We use to have such a beautiful relationship when I was younger, I really miss her.
I'll keep checking around for closer Al-anon groups and I'm looking forward to do some new reading from the 'book club', thank you for those suggestions. You all are great!
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Welcome Musica,
I found out that there is family of orgin and then there's FAMILY OF HEART...
when our families of orgin have used and abused us for years it is sometimes hard to "Let Go and Let God"....but I know today that my dieing won't help anyone especially me..and believe me when I came into Al-Anon I was the walking dead! I didn't and couldn't feel anything...let alone really live....
Keep coming back you're only alone if you chose to be....
Consider yourself HUGGED!
I found out that there is family of orgin and then there's FAMILY OF HEART...
when our families of orgin have used and abused us for years it is sometimes hard to "Let Go and Let God"....but I know today that my dieing won't help anyone especially me..and believe me when I came into Al-Anon I was the walking dead! I didn't and couldn't feel anything...let alone really live....
Keep coming back you're only alone if you chose to be....
Consider yourself HUGGED!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Maine
Posts: 7
Thanks for all of your posts, I feel much more empowered today. I'm going to call my mother this morning and try to focus on not allowing her/me to drag me into HER muck.
It's going to be a great day, because I've decided it's going to be a great day. It sounds redundant but there is amazing power in positive thoughts.
I'm so glad I came to this forum, it's my first time ever doing something like this and reading all of your old/new posts has given me strength and motivation that I haven't felt in a long long time. Looks like I've found a home away from home...thanks everyone!
It's going to be a great day, because I've decided it's going to be a great day. It sounds redundant but there is amazing power in positive thoughts.
I'm so glad I came to this forum, it's my first time ever doing something like this and reading all of your old/new posts has given me strength and motivation that I haven't felt in a long long time. Looks like I've found a home away from home...thanks everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
You are sooooo right about power being in positive thoughts. Glad that you are feeling stronger today and all the reading that it sounds like you will be doing will only help you grow stronger.
Just a suggestion, but you mentioned you mother discussing her problems with booze in hand and you listening......you could tell her that you would love to talk with her, but when she is sober. My Dad talks out of his head when he is drinking and I cut him short and hang up, but when he is close to sober he is much like his old self and I can enjoy talking with him.
Blessings,
Constant
Just a suggestion, but you mentioned you mother discussing her problems with booze in hand and you listening......you could tell her that you would love to talk with her, but when she is sober. My Dad talks out of his head when he is drinking and I cut him short and hang up, but when he is close to sober he is much like his old self and I can enjoy talking with him.
Blessings,
Constant
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