Did I do the Right Thing?
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Did I do the Right Thing?
My husband is an alcoholic and has been sober I guess on and off for over a year. What I mean by that is that he has had a couple of lapses in that time that have lasted one night and have been minor, eg. one was 4 beers. So he's done pretty well at giving up overall. Although he's been in rehab twice he has not continued AA or anything similar.
His temper is quite bad and since having baby it has improved, however recently he asked the Dr for sleeping tablets (for his anxiety which causes him not to sleep which makes his anxiety worse) and the Dr gave him 30. Of course ever since he has taken them every night. And tonight he told me he didn't have one and when I said I was going to look at the tablets, he said he'd hidden them and restrained me from looking in the medicine cabinet! So I got super angry as I do when he drinks and he started laughing at me (obviously sedated) and restrained me when I went to turn off the TV so I dug my nails into him (yes - very bad) and consequently he sat down on the couch and threw one of my baby's books at me and it went into my thigh and stung for several minutes - now has a bruise. He reckons he did it in response to my assaulting him. I don't know - I know I'm not in the right. But I asked him to leave and he refused. So I called the police - still he wouldn't leave. I didn't charge him or anything but they had him leave and go and stay with his family. He says he's not coming back (leaving me) for calling the police.
I know it's complicated and messy. Did I do the right thing calling the Police? I know quite a bit of this is my fault too - for going over the top at him and then digging my nails into his arm when he restrained me. And I don't want him to leave me. I just feel out of control and freak out at him taking sleeping tablets because I feel it's a substitute for alcohol.
I have spoken to my husband and he says he's not coming back (which he's said before - but this is the first time I've ever called the police on him). But he says that first I tried to control him by looking at how many sleeping pills were left to see if he'd had any (coz he lied that he hadn't had one and then hid them from me - alcoholic behaviour!!!) and then I tried to control him by shouting at him and turning off the TV and then I tried to control him by calling the police.
I have to admit some of this rings true. I freak out when he drinks or in this case takes sleeping pills because I can't control the situation and I'm trying to make him do what I want (not take them or throw them away).
I don't know what to do or what to think.
His temper is quite bad and since having baby it has improved, however recently he asked the Dr for sleeping tablets (for his anxiety which causes him not to sleep which makes his anxiety worse) and the Dr gave him 30. Of course ever since he has taken them every night. And tonight he told me he didn't have one and when I said I was going to look at the tablets, he said he'd hidden them and restrained me from looking in the medicine cabinet! So I got super angry as I do when he drinks and he started laughing at me (obviously sedated) and restrained me when I went to turn off the TV so I dug my nails into him (yes - very bad) and consequently he sat down on the couch and threw one of my baby's books at me and it went into my thigh and stung for several minutes - now has a bruise. He reckons he did it in response to my assaulting him. I don't know - I know I'm not in the right. But I asked him to leave and he refused. So I called the police - still he wouldn't leave. I didn't charge him or anything but they had him leave and go and stay with his family. He says he's not coming back (leaving me) for calling the police.
I know it's complicated and messy. Did I do the right thing calling the Police? I know quite a bit of this is my fault too - for going over the top at him and then digging my nails into his arm when he restrained me. And I don't want him to leave me. I just feel out of control and freak out at him taking sleeping tablets because I feel it's a substitute for alcohol.
I have spoken to my husband and he says he's not coming back (which he's said before - but this is the first time I've ever called the police on him). But he says that first I tried to control him by looking at how many sleeping pills were left to see if he'd had any (coz he lied that he hadn't had one and then hid them from me - alcoholic behaviour!!!) and then I tried to control him by shouting at him and turning off the TV and then I tried to control him by calling the police.
I have to admit some of this rings true. I freak out when he drinks or in this case takes sleeping pills because I can't control the situation and I'm trying to make him do what I want (not take them or throw them away).
I don't know what to do or what to think.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i think you know in your gut that there is something going on with the sleeping pills that is not ok. if i got a prescription for sleeping pills, i know that i would only take them when truly needed. i also know that i would not ever lie about having taken one. i would simply have no reason to.
did you assault him? yes. could he have called the police on you? yes. but that does not take away from his violence. two wrongs doesn't make a right, yes?
i don't think right now the burning issue is whether you did the right or the wrong thing. the fact is that he has not adequately arrested his addiction. and you are seemingly not taking charge of your own affliction surrounding it.
how can you get to where you need to be? do you have some ideas? let's try and take the focus off him - whether he's substituting, whether he's going to come back home, etc - and put it on you. what can you do - positive - for yourself. you sound pretty torn up right now.
did you assault him? yes. could he have called the police on you? yes. but that does not take away from his violence. two wrongs doesn't make a right, yes?
i don't think right now the burning issue is whether you did the right or the wrong thing. the fact is that he has not adequately arrested his addiction. and you are seemingly not taking charge of your own affliction surrounding it.
how can you get to where you need to be? do you have some ideas? let's try and take the focus off him - whether he's substituting, whether he's going to come back home, etc - and put it on you. what can you do - positive - for yourself. you sound pretty torn up right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Well I am keen to go along to al-anon to deal with the "out of control" feeling I am having. But in terms of our marriage it is an important question because he is blaming my ringing the police as the reason for his leaving. So do I apologize for that? Did I take the wrong course of action? How do I take responsibility for my part without letting him off the hook for his? I don't want him to leave - I want to be able to sort our problems out. Although I have to admit it does concern me the lack of responsibility he takes for any part of the argument - which is a common theme in any of our arguments even when he's yelling and swearing at me it's always the "well then yes I'm sorry for that but you..."
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
"Although I have to admit it does concern me the lack of responsibility he takes for any part of the argument - which is a common theme in any of our arguments even when he's yelling and swearing at me it's always the "well then yes I'm sorry for that but you..."
It's funny how naive I am to manipulation in my own (ex) relationship... as this clearly displays it! I too felt like you, and they leave you second guessing your own decisions... they're master blameshifters.
I think you called the police as a threat - a way to be heard by him, and it back fired on you. I don't necessarily think what you did was 'wrong', perhaps it didn't need to be taken that far. That's besides the point now.
Reading your post put me right back into the craziness I felt with my ex. Perhaps you should focus on why you want to be with someone who throws books at you, hides pills, doesn't take his sobriety seriously, lies to you, controls you, etc? What are you getting out with this marriage?
It's funny how naive I am to manipulation in my own (ex) relationship... as this clearly displays it! I too felt like you, and they leave you second guessing your own decisions... they're master blameshifters.
I think you called the police as a threat - a way to be heard by him, and it back fired on you. I don't necessarily think what you did was 'wrong', perhaps it didn't need to be taken that far. That's besides the point now.
Reading your post put me right back into the craziness I felt with my ex. Perhaps you should focus on why you want to be with someone who throws books at you, hides pills, doesn't take his sobriety seriously, lies to you, controls you, etc? What are you getting out with this marriage?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
To me, as soon as you mentioned "restraining", my alarm bells went off. Sorry, but if there's a reason to restrain you from looking at his pills, then he's hiding something.
I think your instinct is bang on regarding this. You can apologize all you want, but it almost seems as though your H is using this event as an excuse to call it quits. And perhaps, the fact that he says he's leaving is a blessing in disguise. Whenever something happens in my life that makes me really upset or unhappy, I try to step back and ask myself if there's a lesson to be learned. Generally there is.
From re-reading your post,it seems that there's an issue of control here on your part. Remember the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it.
It doesn't matter whether it's pills or booze. He's going to do what he's going to do, no matter what you say, do or don't say or don't do. You simply do not have the power to make him change.
As Jenny said, do you really want to continue in a relationship with someone who feels it's alright to throw things at you and hides pills from you?
I think your instinct is bang on regarding this. You can apologize all you want, but it almost seems as though your H is using this event as an excuse to call it quits. And perhaps, the fact that he says he's leaving is a blessing in disguise. Whenever something happens in my life that makes me really upset or unhappy, I try to step back and ask myself if there's a lesson to be learned. Generally there is.
From re-reading your post,it seems that there's an issue of control here on your part. Remember the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it.
It doesn't matter whether it's pills or booze. He's going to do what he's going to do, no matter what you say, do or don't say or don't do. You simply do not have the power to make him change.
As Jenny said, do you really want to continue in a relationship with someone who feels it's alright to throw things at you and hides pills from you?
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