dating?
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
after one breakup, I didn't want anything at all to do with it for about a year...the second time I was comfortable right away. I don't think there is a rule about it, we each can get into touch with our own feelings, thoughts and wishes and act in our own best interest according to the particular situation we are in. I did not know that the second had an addiction problem even while married! It wasn't until we had been divorced that it became clear...the man I am now with is very, very clearly free of addictions and codieness! and that is a huge blessing in my life!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I think this varies definitely.
It's been a year since I have been involved with my A. Though it was a short involvement with him, it was devistating for me. But along the way I realized it was devistating for several reasons....it really made me come to terms with my life, and past relationships. Which made me realize I really needed to take a break from dating for a while so that I can fix what needs fixing so I STOP being attracted to unhealthy relationships.
I would very much like to start getting back out there and start dating again... but I still feel as if I am still dealing with some sadness over the loss of what I thought was a relationship... so my focus is to still focus on me for now.
I am rarely drawn to someone physically, so I feel that chemistry with someone for me is often hard to find. I am hoping it will appear when I least expect it... but right now i'm just taking one day at a time.
It's been a year since I have been involved with my A. Though it was a short involvement with him, it was devistating for me. But along the way I realized it was devistating for several reasons....it really made me come to terms with my life, and past relationships. Which made me realize I really needed to take a break from dating for a while so that I can fix what needs fixing so I STOP being attracted to unhealthy relationships.
I would very much like to start getting back out there and start dating again... but I still feel as if I am still dealing with some sadness over the loss of what I thought was a relationship... so my focus is to still focus on me for now.
I am rarely drawn to someone physically, so I feel that chemistry with someone for me is often hard to find. I am hoping it will appear when I least expect it... but right now i'm just taking one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I was 10+ years with my XABF, we've been separated a full year at the end of this month (can't believe it!). I'm trying to go with the flow in the love department. My focus has been instead on improving my interpersonal skills since I've isolated myself over time. I'm hoping as I achieve better skills in making friends and being a more social person, that I will feel confident in looking for love again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
This is a great question...it has been been 6 months since my RAH was asked to leave the house. This week-we are mandated to mediated and I am hoping (really hoping) we can settle, even though he is clearly not doing well.
I have a few people in my life, but my heart remains closed. I see my counselor every week and she asked a good question of me yesterday with regard to a man who has been persistently "cautious" with me (he only know some of the story, but doesn't live here). She asked, what would it take for me to consider this guy? And I couldn't answer the question, so I guess my heart isn't quite ready, but at least I am engaging with people, and sticking my toe in the water when it feels right.
Back in the old days? Before all of my personal work on myself? I would dive into the shallow end (sorry about the swimming metaphors-I'm a competitive swimmer!) and not consider myself or my feelings. That old me; is past. So...I am looking forward to letting my heart take the wheel instead of my codie'isms telling my heart it doesn't matter. Hope that makes sense!
I have a few people in my life, but my heart remains closed. I see my counselor every week and she asked a good question of me yesterday with regard to a man who has been persistently "cautious" with me (he only know some of the story, but doesn't live here). She asked, what would it take for me to consider this guy? And I couldn't answer the question, so I guess my heart isn't quite ready, but at least I am engaging with people, and sticking my toe in the water when it feels right.
Back in the old days? Before all of my personal work on myself? I would dive into the shallow end (sorry about the swimming metaphors-I'm a competitive swimmer!) and not consider myself or my feelings. That old me; is past. So...I am looking forward to letting my heart take the wheel instead of my codie'isms telling my heart it doesn't matter. Hope that makes sense!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Interesting... I personally think, a relationship with an alcoholic, seems to require a much longer recovery time. Whereas, I might have been ok to date 6 or so months after a breakup, now I think it's going to take longer.
It's been 3 months for me - I am dating, but I am starting to think I'm not ready. Like you, Kittyboo, I am rarely drawn to someone physically as well. I've been kind of seeing this guy, but I find myself having problems trusting his motives.
My xabf was a lot younger than me - this guy is older than my ex, but still a LOT younger. So I find myself wondering about his motives. Thankfully, he does not drink, but he's always busy. He's an actor/model out here in L.A., and I see him maybe once a week. I've tried to distance myself from him and be more like friends, but the more I do that, the more he pursues me. Anyway, I'm just keeping it casual for now.
Most of the guys I meet dating are nutcases. Or, I'm just not attracted to them and kind of want to put them in the friend zone (I have a lot of male friends.)
It's been 3 months for me - I am dating, but I am starting to think I'm not ready. Like you, Kittyboo, I am rarely drawn to someone physically as well. I've been kind of seeing this guy, but I find myself having problems trusting his motives.
My xabf was a lot younger than me - this guy is older than my ex, but still a LOT younger. So I find myself wondering about his motives. Thankfully, he does not drink, but he's always busy. He's an actor/model out here in L.A., and I see him maybe once a week. I've tried to distance myself from him and be more like friends, but the more I do that, the more he pursues me. Anyway, I'm just keeping it casual for now.
Most of the guys I meet dating are nutcases. Or, I'm just not attracted to them and kind of want to put them in the friend zone (I have a lot of male friends.)
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I also think it varies for everyone. It's been 5+ yrs, without any dates 
that's some kind of anniversary for me. Previous to last xabf, I might have had a date, 6 months or so, (this time changed my life, looks like a long time) I'm Single & Loving it 
The immensely, caring, gentleman & Elusive ~ Best Friend kind of guy, that's what I'm waiting for.
Peace
that's some kind of anniversary for me. Previous to last xabf, I might have had a date, 6 months or so, (this time changed my life, looks like a long time) I'm Single & Loving it The immensely, caring, gentleman & Elusive ~ Best Friend kind of guy, that's what I'm waiting for. Peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Well. I just went through this. Separated from my stbaxh since last September..I started to date someone and it lasted 2 weeks. lol. I got so sucked in and well it wasnt good. Then I found out he was a pothead. Shocking I know. So I realized my picker is still so obviously broken and no guys for me for a while. I figure when I get to a point I feel I DONT need a guy then it will be time to date 
Hugs
Lulu
Hugs
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Well, being that I newly broke up with exabf...but haven't been around him in the last 2 months, I would say I'm not even ready to date right now. I'm so angry and jaded that dating someone right now wouldn't even be fair to the person. I would have absolutely no trust in that person and sadly, yes, suspect their an addict. LOL. My experiences with exabf are still fresh and I have lots of work to do to let go and let GOD.
Eventually, I will get there and wouldn't mind dating again. But for now...I love being single!
Eventually, I will get there and wouldn't mind dating again. But for now...I love being single!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
If you find one of those, can you pls give me some tips on what you did? Cuz that sounds good to me lol
Originally Posted by chrisea 
I also think it varies for everyone. It's been 5+ yrs, without any dates that's some kind of anniversary for me. Previous to last xabf, I might have had a date, 6 months or so, (this time changed my life, looks like a long time) I'm Single & Loving it The immensely, caring, gentleman & Elusive ~ Best Friend kind of guy, that's what I'm waiting for.
Peace
that's some kind of anniversary for me. Previous to last xabf, I might have had a date, 6 months or so, (this time changed my life, looks like a long time) I'm Single & Loving it The immensely, caring, gentleman & Elusive ~ Best Friend kind of guy, that's what I'm waiting for. Peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I am really loving being single. Not that I'm legally single yet, but separated since September
One of my secretaries is doing her damndest to set me up with a guy in a different department. We've been guardedly emailing for almost a month, joking about a potential coffee date, but I daresay he has as much baggage as I do... hence the fact we haven't actually been on a date yet. But that's ok. Neither of us is in any hurry.
I live in a small town, and don't have a lot of options here... my colleagues feel eharmony is the way to go. Still, no hurry. I really like being by myself. In MY house. On MY time. Doing what I want to do. When I want. It's an amazing time for me, and I'm loving it.
One of my secretaries is doing her damndest to set me up with a guy in a different department. We've been guardedly emailing for almost a month, joking about a potential coffee date, but I daresay he has as much baggage as I do... hence the fact we haven't actually been on a date yet. But that's ok. Neither of us is in any hurry.
I live in a small town, and don't have a lot of options here... my colleagues feel eharmony is the way to go. Still, no hurry. I really like being by myself. In MY house. On MY time. Doing what I want to do. When I want. It's an amazing time for me, and I'm loving it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
It's been almost 6 months since I left my A. I am not focusing on dating anyone except myself. I am learning about me, what I like, what I want, and what kind of man will ultimately be my husband. I know what man it WON'T be! It will NOT be a liar, cheater, drunk, addict or thief.
Life is so precious. There is no need to rush into dating. We need to find ourselves first, and recognize the patterns that led us to the addicts in our lives. And then CHANGE those patterns, and only enter into loving, healthy, SOBER relationships. And if there is even the SLIGHTEST sign of a red flag, no matter how small, we RUN! Run fast, run hard, run like we stole something! We cannot fix others, only ourselves.
I only found peace when I found the unfailing love in Jesus Christ. He is the only one that fills up the empty places, and gives peace that I have never before experienced. Life is so sweet, He has shown me the abundant life that God has been waiting to give me! Don't settle for ANYTHING less!
Life is so precious. There is no need to rush into dating. We need to find ourselves first, and recognize the patterns that led us to the addicts in our lives. And then CHANGE those patterns, and only enter into loving, healthy, SOBER relationships. And if there is even the SLIGHTEST sign of a red flag, no matter how small, we RUN! Run fast, run hard, run like we stole something! We cannot fix others, only ourselves.
I only found peace when I found the unfailing love in Jesus Christ. He is the only one that fills up the empty places, and gives peace that I have never before experienced. Life is so sweet, He has shown me the abundant life that God has been waiting to give me! Don't settle for ANYTHING less!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Interesting question, Sandra. I left my ABF 6 months ago. I am living alone, for the first time in my over 50 year life. I absolutely love it. I am taking care of me, and taking EVERYTHING one day at a time. I have not thought about the dating "scene", but have kept myself open to all invitations. I've been to dinner parties, weddings, barbeques, numerous social events, all by myself, which is really something I have never done. It feels weird, but I am ok with that. I figure, if I just go about my life, I may meet someone interesting, or not.
That said, my ABF got into a program 2 weeks after I left, and has been sober and working hard on recovery for 6 months minus 2 weeks. We have begun to see each other now, but I am taking it very very slowly. I intend to continue living alone, and living life the way I want to. He can be in my life if he stays on this path, but he is no longer my life, and I am open to whatever my HP has in store for me.
That said, my ABF got into a program 2 weeks after I left, and has been sober and working hard on recovery for 6 months minus 2 weeks. We have begun to see each other now, but I am taking it very very slowly. I intend to continue living alone, and living life the way I want to. He can be in my life if he stays on this path, but he is no longer my life, and I am open to whatever my HP has in store for me.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hmm, well my experience may not be the norm. When I left XAH in October last year I told myself I was DONE with men altogether. I gave myself permission to enjoy singlehood and perhaps (gasp) even to flirt for no reason. I went out on one date in January that was just lunch at an Italian restaurant. It didn't go anyplace but it was fun. My first date in 7 years.
In the meantime, I started indulging in my old passion: Argentine Tango. That's been awesome and it's kept me busy.
Then I started seeing an old university friend of mine in March after a bunch of breakfast and lunch meetings. To be honest though, we've had crushes on each other for the better part of a decade, and we even tried dating 6 years ago but it didn't work out due to long distance. So far, it's been a lot of fun. No pressure. A lot of writing, talking and laughing, and actually DOING things together.
All in all, I think it's the attitude that matters. I'm not going into this expecting an insta-husband. I'm enjoying myself, and making sure I take much needed time for myself. I'm also watching my lovely DD grow up. I work FT, I have a toddler and I have my tango, which I refuse to give up. If there's time left over, I go out on a date. If not, tough cookies. I call the shots now and it feels damn good. So far, the guy I'm dating seems happy with this arrangement.
In the meantime, I started indulging in my old passion: Argentine Tango. That's been awesome and it's kept me busy.
Then I started seeing an old university friend of mine in March after a bunch of breakfast and lunch meetings. To be honest though, we've had crushes on each other for the better part of a decade, and we even tried dating 6 years ago but it didn't work out due to long distance. So far, it's been a lot of fun. No pressure. A lot of writing, talking and laughing, and actually DOING things together.
All in all, I think it's the attitude that matters. I'm not going into this expecting an insta-husband. I'm enjoying myself, and making sure I take much needed time for myself. I'm also watching my lovely DD grow up. I work FT, I have a toddler and I have my tango, which I refuse to give up. If there's time left over, I go out on a date. If not, tough cookies. I call the shots now and it feels damn good. So far, the guy I'm dating seems happy with this arrangement.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I've been divorced for 6 months. It has been about 11 months since I filed. I have zero desire to date anyone. Less then zero, I'd actually refuse a date I think. I don't have the time or emotional energy. When I do have the desire I'll have to change my life style so I'd actually meet someone 
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I left stbxah almost a year ago but I was gone from our marriage at least 2 years before then. Just recently I have thought of the idea of dating--then I realize I don't have time to sit down to read a book when would I have time to date--until recently when stbxah actually started to take the kids when he has visitation. So for the last 2 weekends when he had visitation he had the kids the entire time.
My picker does not work right either lulu. I am fortunate to have brutally honest friends who have told me I am in no way ready to start dating again. I told them I wasn't looking for a spouse-just someone to go to the movies with or go biking with. I can do those things by myself--but it's hard to talk about the movie with yourself. My friends have also told me that they think they will need to screen anyone I think I might ever be serious about. Gee, I think they are telling me I still have some work to do on myself.
I am not even looking and there has not been a time when I thought-gee, he is kinda cute, interesting, kind, nice, has a nice smile/eyes--until about a week ago. The guy who owns the place my older son went to last week-I took one look at him and thought-wow, I guess I am still able to think those thoughts Then my 2nd thought was--I wonder what his addiction is. Sad.
I have to say right now--I am not feeling empty without having a man in my life. Also, I feel like I have to become more normal if I want to go out with someone normal.
My picker does not work right either lulu. I am fortunate to have brutally honest friends who have told me I am in no way ready to start dating again. I told them I wasn't looking for a spouse-just someone to go to the movies with or go biking with. I can do those things by myself--but it's hard to talk about the movie with yourself. My friends have also told me that they think they will need to screen anyone I think I might ever be serious about. Gee, I think they are telling me I still have some work to do on myself.
I am not even looking and there has not been a time when I thought-gee, he is kinda cute, interesting, kind, nice, has a nice smile/eyes--until about a week ago. The guy who owns the place my older son went to last week-I took one look at him and thought-wow, I guess I am still able to think those thoughts
Then my 2nd thought was--I wonder what his addiction is. Sad.I have to say right now--I am not feeling empty without having a man in my life. Also, I feel like I have to become more normal if I want to go out with someone normal.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
To me relationships are like pets, they're nice to have and I get plenty enjoyment from them, but they sure can be high maintenance some times. When my Jack Russell (Milo) is gone I don't plan on replacing him. But if a cute puppy follows me home some day I'm sure I'll consider it cuz I'm just a sap deep down.
Mel and I split up in 2004 and I have not had a relationship since, other than her short relapse of sobriety in 2007. I also have no desire to chase after any woman. The dating game is not my game and never has been. The many times in my life that I was single it was a woman that would chase me.
So yeah, I guess it varies quite a bit! And I might very well be single for a heck of a lot longer! LOL!!!
Mel and I split up in 2004 and I have not had a relationship since, other than her short relapse of sobriety in 2007. I also have no desire to chase after any woman. The dating game is not my game and never has been. The many times in my life that I was single it was a woman that would chase me.
So yeah, I guess it varies quite a bit! And I might very well be single for a heck of a lot longer! LOL!!!
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
Sandrawg, I don't have any tips, haven't never been in a relationship like this. But know & seen other women that have such a caring, considerate, supportive, mate. I have started to observe some of these people and realized that I might have the same qualities like this woman, that has that kind of guy.
Just that, I wasn't the woman that met that man.
Although, I'm really not waiting anymore & not even looking, I wouldn't pass it by. Although now, I enjoy my life, just as it is, by myself.
Just that, I wasn't the woman that met that man. Although, I'm really not waiting anymore & not even looking, I wouldn't pass it by. Although now, I enjoy my life, just as it is, by myself.
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