He is coming to me for financial help.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 15
He is coming to me for financial help.
My boyfriend has gotten himself into a huge mess. I want to be there for him and help him as much as I can, but I don't know where my limit is, and I don't know where I should stop when helping him. The problem I am facing this second is his money issues. He has a job, but once he gets his paycheck, he has to hand it over to his parents for the money that he has stolen from them, and for ruining their house by putting holes in the walls and breaking windows with his anger issues... due to the drugs. His money also went to buying oxycontin of course.
His car is now up for reposession now that he hasn't had any money to pay it. He came to me. I am only 18 years old, and I have no job. I just graduated in May and my parents gave me money for graduation. He knows how much I got, so he came to me and asked if I would give him money for his car payment.
I want to help him, but I just don't feel comfortable doing this. He has no money, and my parents would be really disappointed in me if my money just 'disappeared'. What am I supposed to do in this kind of a situation?
His car is now up for reposession now that he hasn't had any money to pay it. He came to me. I am only 18 years old, and I have no job. I just graduated in May and my parents gave me money for graduation. He knows how much I got, so he came to me and asked if I would give him money for his car payment.
I want to help him, but I just don't feel comfortable doing this. He has no money, and my parents would be really disappointed in me if my money just 'disappeared'. What am I supposed to do in this kind of a situation?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by kelle 
The problem I am facing this second is his money issues.
No is a complete sentence. Any reason you provide will likely be used by him to to negotiate with you.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kelle))) - I agree. "No" is a complete sentence.
For ME, I had to face all my consequences, which included being homeless, having no car, etc. before I truly embraced recovery. I lost 3 cars. I'm in recovery, and I have a car
I may be paying a very high interest rate, thanks to my horrible credit rating, but I moved past the "car-less" period just fine.
Another thing...like OTL said, something just doesn't sound right about his story. If it IS true, then his parents know he will be losing his car, too. THEY aren't jumping in to bail him out, so why should you?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
For ME, I had to face all my consequences, which included being homeless, having no car, etc. before I truly embraced recovery. I lost 3 cars. I'm in recovery, and I have a car
I may be paying a very high interest rate, thanks to my horrible credit rating, but I moved past the "car-less" period just fine.Another thing...like OTL said, something just doesn't sound right about his story. If it IS true, then his parents know he will be losing his car, too. THEY aren't jumping in to bail him out, so why should you?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
No. If you load him money the car will be repossessed anyway.
I loaned money on a personal check made payable to the finance company. You would think I would be safe, but I should've personally walked the check into the finance company. The payee on the check was altered, the money stolen, and the car repossessed. My check accomplished nothing but enabling my sister to continue her destructive ways for another few weeks.
I loaned money on a personal check made payable to the finance company. You would think I would be safe, but I should've personally walked the check into the finance company. The payee on the check was altered, the money stolen, and the car repossessed. My check accomplished nothing but enabling my sister to continue her destructive ways for another few weeks.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
there are alternatives for him:
cab, bicycle, bus...etc. It isn't you or nothing as the pressure mounts...as it may seem emotionally. He can also go to the bank about refinancing or extending payments. Let him be a man and handle his problem himself, it is a character builder. You will both have more respect for yourselves if you do.
cab, bicycle, bus...etc. It isn't you or nothing as the pressure mounts...as it may seem emotionally. He can also go to the bank about refinancing or extending payments. Let him be a man and handle his problem himself, it is a character builder. You will both have more respect for yourselves if you do.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Kelle You need to get away from this guy. He has a drug problem, an anger problem, and he punches walls and breaks things. You shouldn't give him anything. Not one red cent. Tell him to go get another job to support his horrible habits. If you give him money, you will never get it back.
Let this be a lesson to you. Never, ever tell anyone, no matter how close you think you are to that person, about how much money your getting or have.
It's nobodys business, and there's always someone waiting with their hand out.
Tell him, that there is no way you can give him any money, that your Dad is watching carefully to see how you are going to manage your money
Your only 18 years old, and this is a great learning experience. Find yourself a nice guy without the drug problem, and anger issues.
And like I said before, never tell anyone anything regarding your finances.
That's private. Any one who likes you, will like you for you, not for what you have.
Oh, and one other thing. Don't make his problems, Your problems.
If you were my daughter, I would tell you to run for the hills to get away from this guy. He has parents, and if they don't want to help him there must be a good reason. Don't let him use you.
:ghug3
.
Let this be a lesson to you. Never, ever tell anyone, no matter how close you think you are to that person, about how much money your getting or have.
It's nobodys business, and there's always someone waiting with their hand out.
Tell him, that there is no way you can give him any money, that your Dad is watching carefully to see how you are going to manage your money
Your only 18 years old, and this is a great learning experience. Find yourself a nice guy without the drug problem, and anger issues.
And like I said before, never tell anyone anything regarding your finances.
That's private. Any one who likes you, will like you for you, not for what you have.
Oh, and one other thing. Don't make his problems, Your problems.
If you were my daughter, I would tell you to run for the hills to get away from this guy. He has parents, and if they don't want to help him there must be a good reason. Don't let him use you.
:ghug3
.
OH GOD!!! Please, Please dont do anything! go to your parents and talk....ask for support...like we are all doing here...
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
And just in case those voices above are not enough to convince you, I will add my own.... No, not now, not ever...do NOT give him money to bail him out. You will NEVER get it back. Break up with this jerk and do not look back. There are plenty of other great guys out there.
I'll just bet if you had a heart to heart with his mom, she'd tell you to run for the hills also. Bravo for them to get tough with him right now. His problems are NOT your problems...do you understand that? It's a very important point to remember not only in this situation but in all relationships for the rest of your life. You just take care of YOU...and that's a big enough job for any one person.
Please stay on the board here at SR and we'll be glad to support you. (((Hugs)))
I'll just bet if you had a heart to heart with his mom, she'd tell you to run for the hills also. Bravo for them to get tough with him right now. His problems are NOT your problems...do you understand that? It's a very important point to remember not only in this situation but in all relationships for the rest of your life. You just take care of YOU...and that's a big enough job for any one person.
Please stay on the board here at SR and we'll be glad to support you. (((Hugs)))
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Expect to hear...."If you loved me you would"
and "I promise to pay you back"
Total BS ...
Please get away from this angry drug useing jerk.
You can and will pick another guy who will cherish
and not try to take advantage of your love.
I suggest you have a honest talk with your parents
about the money and how you feel pressured.
Ask them to hold their gift for awhile.
Get it back after he is no longer in your life.
All my best as you move forward into life without addicts.
and "I promise to pay you back"
Total BS ...
Please get away from this angry drug useing jerk.
You can and will pick another guy who will cherish
and not try to take advantage of your love.
I suggest you have a honest talk with your parents
about the money and how you feel pressured.
Ask them to hold their gift for awhile.
Get it back after he is no longer in your life.
All my best as you move forward into life without addicts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Kelle, not one person above said oh sure. If I were you I'd give him the money. NOT ONE OF US SAID THAT. You asked, we all told you. Now make sure you listen to us. This guy is young, and he might have some good qualities. But he sure does have some bad problems, and you don't need that in your life at 18 years old. So get away from him ASAP.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 4
Kelle, I am the mom of a young man who might be doing the very same thing to his girlfriend. He also wants the easy way out and expects everyone else to solve his problems. We have recently learned how to say No to our son, on all fronts, and only support his healthy decisions and choices. We have a long way to go. Please do not let him make you feel sad and sorry for him, as that is only hurting and not helping him. If you really want to help him, say no, and refuse to be a part of anything that feeds into his addiction. You have so much life ahead of you, and you don't need to be taking care of someone in this deep of trouble. It doesn't mean you are a bad person if you let go...it means you respect yourself enough to have a life, and you love him enough to help him to fix his life on his own. Stay strong..I know how hard it is!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
kelle,
how are you doing today? please let us know that you told the bf "no".
that is YOUR MONEY, and hard-EARNED, due to your going through school, and having loving friends and family that wanted to GIFT it TO YOU, for your future education. please don't **** on their gift by handing it over to someone who was NOT the recipient. it was not intended for him, sweetheart.
how are you doing today? please let us know that you told the bf "no".
that is YOUR MONEY, and hard-EARNED, due to your going through school, and having loving friends and family that wanted to GIFT it TO YOU, for your future education. please don't **** on their gift by handing it over to someone who was NOT the recipient. it was not intended for him, sweetheart.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
Oh please dont give him any money I am an addict and believe me when I tell you he will say anything to get his way.If he loved you he wouldnt drag you into this insanity.One more thing as active addicts we dont have partners,lovers,boyfriends or girlfriends we TAKE hostages we are incapable of caring for anything except our true love and thats the drugs.That includes ourselfs.Please listen to all these people we have life experiences you havent had yet
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