gns

Thank you posie for bringing up some issues.

What do you do with friends who expect you to pay for lunch/dinner? I volunteered to take a friend out to lunch because she was out of work. She picked an expensive place, which I didnt mind. But then at lunch she told me she got a job. I thought she would offer to split, but she didnt.

I ended up feeling very resentful and a little used for paying when I had done so with the assumption that she was going through rough times.

I know that partly (all of it?) is my own fault for being unclear.

Do you have advice about how you handle these kinds of situations? Just always split no matter what?

In the past, I would always end up treating my friends and spending more money than I wanted.

I have been trying to ask myself before hand do I want to treat, and if not I will plan on splitting. I am thinking maybe be generous once and if they don't return the generosity in some way (invite me over, something) then no more offering to pay?

It is hard and confusing to do this without feeling taken advantage of and without feeling like you CAN"T be generous.

Freedom1990

I have long since given up the idea that many people possess common courtesy.

I would make it clear from the get-go, during the process of inviting someone, that's it's a split, or you each pay for your own.

I no longer expect people to read my mind.

It's up to me to establish clear boundaries, and not assume someone is going to act a certain way or reciprocate, or whatever.

headly

don't sweat the small stuff - 1st time is free in my book.

next time if ya go to lunch together ask if she is buying.. or if you invite someone expect to pay as the inviter...if your intent is to share lunch say so- hey want to go to lunch together? is a much different question than hey- let's go to lunch,pick a place on me ...

sounds like you are bitter cause you wanted to be a white knight to someone having hard times but they got a job and you got resentment lol!

it isn't a big deal - you want a friend or a fight over $20 bucks =))

Shellcrusher

I've always believed that if I initiate lunch/diner/whatever, then it's my plan, my choice and my money.

gns

Dear Freedom, thank you, that is very helpful!

Dear Headly, I think you are right, I should be clearer and I like the one free pass idea

Dear Shellcrusher, so if you ask them "out" and pay and they don't reciprocate, do you just not invite them again? I have some friends who aren't as proactive about planning and love to come out, but I certainly don't intend to pay for them!

tjp613

How about when the bill comes you just look at it and say, "Ok, we each owe $15.00" Or if you want to treat lunch say, "How about I pick up lunch and you get the tip?"

Shellcrusher

Correct. I have bigger fish to fry and I expect people to reciprocate. If they can't then I really don't have time for them. I keep a general ledger in my head and if things get out of balance, I adjust it.

This is not an elitist thing. It's a maturity thing and sometimes I scratch my head in confusion, wondering why some people just don't get it.

Fortunately for me, I eliminated these mooches from my life. Now, I have to battle my friends for the bill. It's much funner that way.

Thumper

In my world (ha!)........

"Can I take you out to lunch." implies that the invitee is paying for both.

"Do you want to meet for lunch?" implies everyone pays for their own.

Minor linguistic change but in my experience, there have been no deviations from those rules! So - I wouldn't read to much into it personally, and would just be more clear at the time of the invite from now on.

If I do offer to buy someone lunch I would not be upset that they didn't offer to split though, just because they got a job. That seems like a recipe for frustration and disappointment. An offer for lunch is just that.

Now if she'd have called me and said "I have no job, will you take me out to lunch and pay for us both." and I agreed and then found out she had a job, I'd be upset.

JenT1968

as far as I can see, she expected you to pay because that is what you offered.....

and now you are annoyed at her because she might not be as poor as you thought? although when starting a new job you are often skint in my experience for a couple of months at least.

Did you offer to be nice or to get something out of it? because you are still doing a nice thing whatever her circumstances, she isn't taking you for a fool, she was accepting a dinner invitation.

akrasia

I expect the resentment started when you asked her out to lunch (with the understanding that it was your treat) and then SHE chose an expensive place! That's not really how it works, LOL.

Can I tell you something, if it makes you feel better? Once when I was first promoted to supervisor, I took my new small team out to lunch to celebrate an early success. (I was paying, not the company.) We were just at a Denny's. I figured everyone would get a salad or a burger or something, and I got talking and didn't notice till too late that most of them were just loading up on the food. And when we were all getting up to leave and settling the bill I noticed that most of them had ordered two entrees and were taking the second home in a doggie bag! I felt like it was too late to really do anything about it but god did I feel like a fool. It was really a nightmare.

But the good news is that you don't have to invite her anywhere again.

akrasia

If I may, I think a lot of us who've been abused/mistreated/exploited as children don't have that instinctive boundary that so many people have. Setting boundaries seems to come so naturally to some people. But for people like us, we have to always be careful.

gns

Akrasia - I think you hit the nail on the head!

That is what happens to me a lot - like your job story. I will do something nice then realize - hey I am being taken for a ride - this isnt what I meant to happen - usually a little too late.

Asserting myself and setting boundaries DOES NOT come naturally to me and automatically buying lunch/dinner and being people pleasing to my deteriment is much more natural.

Thank you shellcrusher, JenT1968, thumper, freedom1960, headly and tjp613 for your thoughtful and provocative responses

headly

aint no way an un-eaten entre' would make it out of a restaurant on my dime- no way

oh manager, I bought lunch for these ladies,not to go orders,please bill them separately for the to go items

- I would have done that honestly - to me that is theft, and I hate thieves.

I can imagine the scene- uh,who said to go orders were part of lunch?

well,who said they weren't..

not unless you get 2 lunches every time you go to lunch,which I know you and you do not, would I even begin to believe you do not know right from wrong and I am not paying for to go lunches.

akrasia

I was in fact sharing that it was a nightmare because I let myself be taken advantage of, and that I should have done something to address the exploitation at the time, but didn't. That was rather the point.

But thanks for jumping in to point that out, and for emphasizing that you would never have let it happen to you. Helpful!

TakingCharge999

I also went to lunch with some coworkers who had drinks and eat more than I did. It was a few bucks extra but I did not like the feeling at all. It IS a bumpy road........ my solution to that is: I am no longer going out with them

I do think that if you are invited somewhere, picking an expensive place is rude. But yes, here in my world I prefer to go out now with people that won't generate any anxiety and are as eager as me to be fair....

You are not alone struggling with this !