Frustrated, angry, and slightly homicidal
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Perth, WA
Posts: 1
Frustrated, angry, and slightly homicidal
My father's an alcoholic, has been for at least eight years. He's tried to quit a few times, even tried AA...once. But nothing's worked. He's recently started taking the drug Cambral, a craving suppressant.
He managed two days. Now he has a bottle hidden somewhere in his car, or the garage. And he has started arguing against taking the pills.
They were a last resort for my mother, and once again she's dropping the separation line and the "D" word.
So basically, this is what I'm hearing at home: "Leave me alone", "I can't take any more of this", "I've already taken the damn pills!", "We're gonna have to move to a small apartment", etc. etc.
IT PISSES ME OFF. Neither one of them considers how these attitudes are affecting myself and my sisters, and I know it sounds selfish, but I'm going mad. The stress is causing major health problems (I'm only 20!) and, because of this, financial and educational concerns.
This burden is not fair, not on them, or me, or my sisters, or my friends. Sometimes I just want to grab that bottle and smash someone (him) over the head with it. Until then, I don't dare go out for fear that one of my parents won't be there when I come back.
Is this what's happening?
He managed two days. Now he has a bottle hidden somewhere in his car, or the garage. And he has started arguing against taking the pills.
They were a last resort for my mother, and once again she's dropping the separation line and the "D" word.
So basically, this is what I'm hearing at home: "Leave me alone", "I can't take any more of this", "I've already taken the damn pills!", "We're gonna have to move to a small apartment", etc. etc.
IT PISSES ME OFF. Neither one of them considers how these attitudes are affecting myself and my sisters, and I know it sounds selfish, but I'm going mad. The stress is causing major health problems (I'm only 20!) and, because of this, financial and educational concerns.
This burden is not fair, not on them, or me, or my sisters, or my friends. Sometimes I just want to grab that bottle and smash someone (him) over the head with it. Until then, I don't dare go out for fear that one of my parents won't be there when I come back.
Is this what's happening?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to SR!
I am sorry that you are frustrated, angry and having to live with all that drama.
Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects everyone in the family.
You are old enough to attend Alanon meetings for support. You will also find support and information here. Alateen is available for your younger siblings.
The three C's of alcoholism are:
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it
It may not feel like it, but your mother leaving (with children) may be what it takes for your father to hit his bottom. Alcoholics wont embrace sobriety for anyone but themselves. They have to want it more than life. Otherwise, they remain addicted and their life is beyond control.
Do you have a counselor or another adult in your community that you can share your concerns with?
Keep reaching out for help. We care about you.
I am sorry that you are frustrated, angry and having to live with all that drama.
Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects everyone in the family.
You are old enough to attend Alanon meetings for support. You will also find support and information here. Alateen is available for your younger siblings.
The three C's of alcoholism are:
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it
It may not feel like it, but your mother leaving (with children) may be what it takes for your father to hit his bottom. Alcoholics wont embrace sobriety for anyone but themselves. They have to want it more than life. Otherwise, they remain addicted and their life is beyond control.
Do you have a counselor or another adult in your community that you can share your concerns with?
Keep reaching out for help. We care about you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Alex, seriously, if you are concerned that you may physically harm someone, ANYONE, you need to get out of that situation physically, at least temporarily, and reach out for help for yourself.
What does this mean? That you are going to REMAIN in the house, on the verge of harming someone, in order to try to control the situation?
What you are describing is EXACTLY why I left my parents' home at age 17, two weeks after graduating from high school. You need to know, Alex, that you cannot control this. I am seriously concerned about your homicide comments. Do you have a counselor or other professional you can see? If you are in college, the college should have a free or low-cost counselor. I also suggest you take a look at Al-Anon.
Until then, I don't dare go out for fear that one of my parents won't be there when I come back.
What you are describing is EXACTLY why I left my parents' home at age 17, two weeks after graduating from high school. You need to know, Alex, that you cannot control this. I am seriously concerned about your homicide comments. Do you have a counselor or other professional you can see? If you are in college, the college should have a free or low-cost counselor. I also suggest you take a look at Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Alex and welcome to SR,
Unfortunately, alcoholism is a family disease as Pelican said and effects the closest family members to the alcoholic the most. Those that have to live through the daily ups and downs, walking on eggshells and the uncertainty of the family unit staying together.
I am sure that you have left an awful lot out of your post and have no doubts that you are having to deal with far more than you mention.
Arguing in front of your children is never right or healthy and in itself is a form of abuse but it sounds to me that your parents relationship has reached the unhealthy stage, in the depths of alcoholism when irrational, unbalanced behavior patterns take over and neither know right from wrong anymore.
I personally think you sound like your dealing with the situation fairly well, as your showing signs of spunk, know what your parents are doing to you and your siblings is not right and more importantly are questioning, seeking knowledge and support through this website. IMO all good signs. The homicidal thoughts come from being angry with the situation and still being emotionally immature enough to deal with it and again IMO nothing to worry about. It would benefit you greatly though if you could discuss your home life with your doctor who may be able to help with some counseling/therapy sessions to help you with some strategies to help you cope with stress and its triggers.
My own daughter who is 19 yrs has had to cope with an abusive alcoholic father for a couple of years now (to her directly) and is moving out of the family house this weekend and house sharing with a couple of her close friends. She is relieved to be leaving and is looking forward to some peace from the situation. I am pleased that she will be out of this toxic environment and getting herself healthier. She is well educated in alcoholism, she didn't take to Al-anon (it wasn't for her) but has seen a therapist which I know helped her a lot. She knows that her dad has a disease and trys not to take what he says to her personally, which I know is hard to do, especially at an age when she is maturing.
I too, am a mum who has tried to argue, manipulate, shout, swear at, question, discuss, confront, plea, threat and issue ultimatums such as separating or the 'D' word for 22 years but nothing has worked - and I have made myself mad in the process. I will admit that there has been times when I have been secretly pleased that our daughter has witnessed these verbal onslaughts in the hope that my daughter witnessing the abuse may bring my AH to his senses - now that's messed up thinking right there, that I am not proud of. My AH has progressed even further now and he doesnt appear to have a problem with abusing both of us at the same time!
At 20 yrs old, I would say that you have a right to remove yourself from the situation (if you can). Try Al-anon/Al-ateen, seek out some councelling (via your doctor/school/college) Read up about boundaries and set some for yourself. e.g. Pick the right time and ask them both not to argue in front of you and your sisters and if they do, retreat to your room and listen to music with headphones in or take your sisters out for a walk.
Good luck Alex, I am thinking of you.
Unfortunately, alcoholism is a family disease as Pelican said and effects the closest family members to the alcoholic the most. Those that have to live through the daily ups and downs, walking on eggshells and the uncertainty of the family unit staying together.
I am sure that you have left an awful lot out of your post and have no doubts that you are having to deal with far more than you mention.
Arguing in front of your children is never right or healthy and in itself is a form of abuse but it sounds to me that your parents relationship has reached the unhealthy stage, in the depths of alcoholism when irrational, unbalanced behavior patterns take over and neither know right from wrong anymore.
I personally think you sound like your dealing with the situation fairly well, as your showing signs of spunk, know what your parents are doing to you and your siblings is not right and more importantly are questioning, seeking knowledge and support through this website. IMO all good signs. The homicidal thoughts come from being angry with the situation and still being emotionally immature enough to deal with it and again IMO nothing to worry about. It would benefit you greatly though if you could discuss your home life with your doctor who may be able to help with some counseling/therapy sessions to help you with some strategies to help you cope with stress and its triggers.
My own daughter who is 19 yrs has had to cope with an abusive alcoholic father for a couple of years now (to her directly) and is moving out of the family house this weekend and house sharing with a couple of her close friends. She is relieved to be leaving and is looking forward to some peace from the situation. I am pleased that she will be out of this toxic environment and getting herself healthier. She is well educated in alcoholism, she didn't take to Al-anon (it wasn't for her) but has seen a therapist which I know helped her a lot. She knows that her dad has a disease and trys not to take what he says to her personally, which I know is hard to do, especially at an age when she is maturing.
I too, am a mum who has tried to argue, manipulate, shout, swear at, question, discuss, confront, plea, threat and issue ultimatums such as separating or the 'D' word for 22 years but nothing has worked - and I have made myself mad in the process. I will admit that there has been times when I have been secretly pleased that our daughter has witnessed these verbal onslaughts in the hope that my daughter witnessing the abuse may bring my AH to his senses - now that's messed up thinking right there, that I am not proud of. My AH has progressed even further now and he doesnt appear to have a problem with abusing both of us at the same time!
At 20 yrs old, I would say that you have a right to remove yourself from the situation (if you can). Try Al-anon/Al-ateen, seek out some councelling (via your doctor/school/college) Read up about boundaries and set some for yourself. e.g. Pick the right time and ask them both not to argue in front of you and your sisters and if they do, retreat to your room and listen to music with headphones in or take your sisters out for a walk.
Good luck Alex, I am thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Alex-
Welcome to SR.
I grew up with an A father too. IT TOTALLY SUCKED!!! Your post reminded me of the rage I often used to feel. Rage, fear, shame and helplessness were pretty much bread and butter emotions for me. It took me a lot of AlAnon and therapy to heal myself.
Can you try AlAnon or AlaTeen? I felt such a huge relief when I went to my first AlAnon meeting. I was scared, and it seemed weird at first, but I sure recognized what all those people were talking about. It's free and helps the family & friends of alcoholics get their own sanity and life back. i learned some excellent coping tools there.
How old are your sisters? Maybe you can all seek help together.
Stick around - and check out the "CLassic Reading" in the stickies at the top page of the forum.
Peace-
B
Welcome to SR.
I grew up with an A father too. IT TOTALLY SUCKED!!! Your post reminded me of the rage I often used to feel. Rage, fear, shame and helplessness were pretty much bread and butter emotions for me. It took me a lot of AlAnon and therapy to heal myself.
Can you try AlAnon or AlaTeen? I felt such a huge relief when I went to my first AlAnon meeting. I was scared, and it seemed weird at first, but I sure recognized what all those people were talking about. It's free and helps the family & friends of alcoholics get their own sanity and life back. i learned some excellent coping tools there.
How old are your sisters? Maybe you can all seek help together.
Stick around - and check out the "CLassic Reading" in the stickies at the top page of the forum.
Peace-
B
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Hi Alex,
Welcome to SR--you will find a lot of support here. I know how you feel; the alcoholic in my life is my sister, and being around her when she is actively drinking is sad and frustrating. Learn all you can, and keep posting here. You might also consider al-anon.
Sending you good thoughts.
Welcome to SR--you will find a lot of support here. I know how you feel; the alcoholic in my life is my sister, and being around her when she is actively drinking is sad and frustrating. Learn all you can, and keep posting here. You might also consider al-anon.
Sending you good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi alex and welcome-
was wondering is there any way you yourself can move out? move in with a friend? split an apartment with a sister maybe? help your mom to get a smaller flat and go with her? move out with your boyfriend?
your family home doesn't sound like a healthy environment for you and perhaps consider making a plan to move out on your own steam. this may require getting a job and delaying your education, but what is the price of your serenity?
it's your parent's choice whether to split or not. it's also your choice to stay there or leave.
if you want help brainstorming ideas of how to plot your exit, we're here and listening.
sounds like a very toxic environment. i would run for the hills!
and please, consider getting some face to face support from a therapist or alanon/alateen to help you step back from your parent's marriage and your father's alcoholism.
the first step in alanon is to admit we are powerless over alcohol. it is best to leave your father's drinking and pill popping to him and take nothing to do with it. step back and detach. shift the focus to you and what you want in your life and then start making baby steps in that direction.
we're here to help. call on us!
naive
was wondering is there any way you yourself can move out? move in with a friend? split an apartment with a sister maybe? help your mom to get a smaller flat and go with her? move out with your boyfriend?
your family home doesn't sound like a healthy environment for you and perhaps consider making a plan to move out on your own steam. this may require getting a job and delaying your education, but what is the price of your serenity?
it's your parent's choice whether to split or not. it's also your choice to stay there or leave.
if you want help brainstorming ideas of how to plot your exit, we're here and listening.
sounds like a very toxic environment. i would run for the hills!
and please, consider getting some face to face support from a therapist or alanon/alateen to help you step back from your parent's marriage and your father's alcoholism.
the first step in alanon is to admit we are powerless over alcohol. it is best to leave your father's drinking and pill popping to him and take nothing to do with it. step back and detach. shift the focus to you and what you want in your life and then start making baby steps in that direction.
we're here to help. call on us!
naive
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
welcome to sober recovery forum. this is a great site, in one which you will find a lot of answers and support.
here's the thing:
you can sacrifice your own life, in order to try and do something about the messed-up people in your home. however, try as you might, you can't really do anything about it.
if you had some kind of influence, or power over your father, then why are things still going so badly?
the pill might take away the craving, but the truth is that he craves alcohol for a reason. taking a pill cannot, and never will, take away that brokenness inside, and the pain that drives him to escape.
can you really do anything about that? because if so, then you are more super than superman, the best therapist in the world, and god. it's just not possible sweetheart.
with that being said, and if you believe me.....
then how bout you start learning how to take care of yourself?
we will help you.
here's the thing:
you can sacrifice your own life, in order to try and do something about the messed-up people in your home. however, try as you might, you can't really do anything about it.
if you had some kind of influence, or power over your father, then why are things still going so badly?
the pill might take away the craving, but the truth is that he craves alcohol for a reason. taking a pill cannot, and never will, take away that brokenness inside, and the pain that drives him to escape.
can you really do anything about that? because if so, then you are more super than superman, the best therapist in the world, and god. it's just not possible sweetheart.
with that being said, and if you believe me.....
then how bout you start learning how to take care of yourself?
we will help you.
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