amja

I have needed to get this out for some time now, I'm at a breaking point and seriously need some input.

I'm "A." My husband is "D."

We met in highschool, hit it off, smoked pot together all the time, hung out, classic highschooler stuff. Got pregnant when i was 15 and he was 16. Our daughter, "I" was born in 2006. We married in 2008. Our son, "K" was born this year, 2010.

D had a history of drug use before I met him. We both smoked pot and did shrooms together a few times. But I knew that he had done harder things, X, Coke, pills, etc. prior to us getting together.

We were close, incredibly close. Perhaps I'm still young and deluded, but I still feel we are "soul mates." When our daughter was a few months old I discovered that he had been using X occasionally. We cried and talked through it, I thought it was done.

Last year, in June or July, I caught D snorting white powder in the shed on Fathers Day, earlier in the morning than I am usually up. My whole world shattered. I never expected it. Had no idea... I was completely shocked and lost. Once I could talk (literally two days later) I freaked out on him. We fought and fought. Mostly I just b*tched him out. He said he got addicted to pills (oxycontins, percocets, etc) when he broke a bone the year prior. I was pissed, of course, but I stayed with him. Made him start attending a once-a-week addiction group that was religious based. He is not religious. I realize now that he just did it to get me off his ass.

Lo and behold, I was pregnant at the time. November rolls around. Withdrawals from the bank account are becoming more frequent, I confront him about it numerous times. I have to pay rent with my savings. I keep finding suspicious text messages. I keep getting lies. I finally get a solid bit of evidence via text that he was purchasing pills. I freak out yet again. Tell him to leave. Throw some of his clothes in a duffel bag and kick him out. He takes his truck (a company vehicle) and leaves. Next morning I find out that he has been fired from his good paying job. Turns out he parked the truck in front of an apartment building and left it running for about 4 hours. (about midnight to 4am.) Someone noticed it and called the cops, thinking it was stolen due to the company logo on the side. Pipes, foil, pills, pot, etc. were found in the truck by the employer. The police were never notified, but he did lose his job. He broke down. He admitted he had a problem. Admitted that the church group wasn't helping, knew he was messed up, knew he needed help, etc. He finally agreed to a medical counseling that I'd been pressuring him to do for a while. He cried and begged to have another chance. He walked into the medical clinic and enrolled himself in drug counseling. He had a few private sessions and then group therapy, most of the other users were court-ordered to be there I later learned.

The group ended in March, and I thought all was well. I'd separated our bank accounts, he had NO access to money, no cell phone, he started going to school, and all was well. Our son was born in April and it was the best time of my life. He was so happy and attentive, I thought he'd truly beaten the addiction. The end of May comes along, and he randomly comes home messed up out of his mind. Once again I was just so shocked and hurt. I was holding my newborn baby and had my 3 year old at my feet as he staggered into the house, slurring about this and that, and I just started screaming at him again. I cried myself to sleep, didn't know what to do. My best friends young brother died the next day. Needless to say, I was busy with other things and it was swept from my mind. Mostly I just got a lesson that tragedies happen and life can end at any moment. I didn't want to give up on D because of that. The next week, he did it again. My daughter came to my room where I was nursing the new baby and asked why "daddy is breaking a pen." I went quietly to the back room where he is snorting powder through a broken pen. I freak out. Put the kids in the bedroom and go to confront him, he had gone to the bathroom. I barge in to find him with more pills all over the counter, trying to hide them from my view. He smacked my hand away from them as I tried to grab them. He'd never hit me prior to this. He was incredibly f*cked up, couldn't keep his eyes focused, could hardly stand up. He was a different man. I man I hated and was scared of. A man I would never let in my house. His eyes were dark and fathomless. He was a different person. I hate the s*it he was on. I hate what drugs did to him.

I called the police. I'd had enough. They arrested him for possession and use, and he spent a night in jail. I filed for a restraining order the next day and started the divorce process.

So there's the logistics of it. Here's the emotional part that I'm sure makes a lot less sense, but it's also the part that I need help figuring out.

D is a great man. He had never hit me. Never called me names. Cooked and cleaned for me. Played with the kids all the time. He is a smart guy, talented in his trade (before he got fired) and comes from a great family. I truly love(d?) him. We got along great, could talk for hours, and generally had a great life. He was perfect in every way. Until he got messed up. It seems like every few months he would relapse. Then this year it happened twice in a couple of weeks, out of nowhere.

I've talked to him a bit since the last event, while he is having (supervised) visitation with the kids. He was himself. The person I love. Sober. Says he wants it all back. He needs us. He can't miss K growing up. Can't have me with someone else. Says he'll do live-in rehab this time, as long as I take him back. He is currently living in a friends camper, and acquired a job at a restaurant. I believe he was absolutely sincere, the thing is, I believe he was absolutely sincere the other times, but I realize that the sincere desire to kick a habit is not enough with a drug addiction.

I am ashamed to say that I want to give him yet another chance. Not the same this time, not just "move back in and no more cell phone." But I want to see what happens after he goes to a live-in rehab. I want to help him. I don't want to go back on my wedding vows. I want to help him beat this sickness... so bad it hurts. I want to be a success story. I want to stick by his side and support him in this, because I know he wants to beat it. But I don't know if he can. And I don't want to waste my life giving him chances. I CANNOT put my children at risk due to his addiction. That is why he is out of the house, but I just don't know if I can cut him our of our lives completely yet. I don't know if I can file the divorce paper work.

I'll admit, a lot of the dilemma comes from security. We were given a home. A cabin. A pretty damn easy life. All by his family. We both went to school, that was it. We have/had every opportunity to get great jobs and nearly every bit of the money earned could go into savings/leisure spending since we don't have a rent or mortgage payment. I want that so bad. I want to hang out as a family every day like we did, no work schedule to work around, we were free and financially doing GREAT, at 19. We were set, given an opportunity most people dream of.

If I leave, I'll be in low income housing. Have to get a full time job and put my babies in daycare. Lose my chance at finishing college. Lose my chance at things like savings for the future. Lose my easygoing days of loving and teaching my children things, watching them grow at their most precious ages.

If it were only the $$ reasons, I would be out in a heart beat. But I really do care about D. I know he is a great man. I know he wants to beat this. I know I want to help him. His family wants to help him. So does mine, we all know he is a great person and want to see him succeed, move on past this and be that person who totally changed their world around. But can he? Am I stupid for even hesitating in the divorce? Would a live-in rehab facility make any difference? Will anything? He is absolutely messed up, heartbroken, a total wreck without me and the kids. That much I see. But I also see him trying. He says he is exercising all the time now, and trying to live healthier, anything to get us back. He says he is trying, but doesn't know if he can without us. I know that's not the right mind place for him to be, he needs to want to quit for HIM, not to get us back, but I want to badly to tell him that if he does change there is another chance.

I just don't know. I'm too young to be dealing with all this s*it. I'm so torn, can anyone please give me advice, hugs, something??

Feel free to ask questions, etc. My thoughts are so scattered right now I understand if not much of this makes sense. I just want my sweet, young family back. He is such a great dad and husband until he gets high. F*ck drugs.

amja

Anyone? Has anyone gone through this? From either side?

ladyamalthea

Amja,

Welcome to SR! I'm so sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but you are in a great place right now.

I understand wanting to help him, and if he is saying he wants help, maybe he is ready. If he is willing to go to a long-term, residential treatment facility, I would seriously consider seeing what happens once he gets there, but here's the trick to it- HE has to want it enough to take those steps himself. If he's not an active part in his own recovery, he'll be more likely to relapse.

In the meantime, you have to think about what's going to be best for those two beautiful children. I mean, your daughter actually saw him using! It sounds to me like there may have been more going on than he was admitting to, for it to have gotten to the point where he didn't have a problem using in front of his children. Until he has successfully gone through treatment, I would almost be afraid to stay there and run the risk of having him come in high and cause a ruckus. There are worst things in life than having your kids be in a day care while you're at work. It might actually be good for them to get that interaction with other kids, especially the three year old.

And having to get a job doesn't have to mean quitting school. There are financial aid options available, and as a mother of 2 you would probably qualify for a pretty good amount in grants. And if you have to get student loans, again... not the end of the world. Maybe your parents or his parents could help watch the kids at night if you had evening classes?

I definitely do not have all the answers... and more who have much more experience than I do will probably come along in the morning and give you some great advice. Just know that you can get through this, and you've just made lots of friends who will be here with you every step of the way.

dollydo

You are very young, I guess at your age I would ask myself is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?

There is no cure for addiction, an addict is only using or not using. This addiction will be a life long battle for him and will greatly effect you and your children.

All I can suggest is that you get a better understanding of what you are dealing with. Go to meetings, read all you can on this site, keep posting.

URMYEVERYTHING

Hi Amja! Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry you are going through this chaos. Unfortunately, this is the chaos of addiction. You are so young with so much life ahead of you. He needs to get clean for himself. You mentioned in your post that you made him go to an addiction related group. He has to want that on his own. You can talk all day but still he does what he wants and if he's not done using....he's not done... and the chaos continues.

How are you feeling with your children mixed into the chaos?
Are you willing to deal with this for the rest of your life? The ups and downs?
The times where he will leave you alone? Which you might possibly be better of on low income as you know it's some stability. With an addict there is no stability. He's not working at this time and is facing legal consequences.

Are you willing to understand and educate yourself on addiciton? You said you want to help him because that is a part of your vows you made to him. Recite the vows over again. It doesn't say you have to "help" anyone but rather be there for them in sickness and health. There is a way to offer support rather than enable. I just don't want you to get caught up in this "I can save him" role as we all do and then lose your identity in the process. You have 2 small children that need and rely on you more than him. Take care of them first. When you feel the addict is sucking the life out of you and you can't focus on your babies then it's time to step back from the addict.

Get yourself involved in Nar Anon or Al Anon meetings for support for yourself. Start learning about addiction and recovery and to also be realistic about your expectations.

Hang in there. We are here to help. There are tons of people on here that can relate. I'm one of them.

sunnygirl68

It took me 8 long years to finally decide that I had enough. I cannot tell you what you should do, only what I did. I think I finally reached my rock bottom and decided that I had to live my life for ME and my kids instead of worrying and trying to control my XAH, I tried everything and exhausted all I had to "help" him but nothing I did really helped!
I totally relate to what you are saying when it comes to describing your husband. Mine was also my soulmate, best dad in the world, helped me around the house, etc. He coached football and baseball for both our boys for years, colored my hair, we took nice family trips together, had plenty of money that we both worked hard for. etc. We never got tired of spending time together......but of course this was only when he was sober.

When the addiction took over all of those things went away and he became a stranger to me. He lied about EVERYTHING! He drained our bank account, I lost my A+ credit rating, no more vacations (no money), forget coaching any sports (he went to prison), and I am the responsible one again, trying to raise my kids on one income. The addiction might have taken all of those monetary things away, but it gave me my SELF back. Now I know what it is like to live again without worry, stress, anxiety, tears, suffering, pain. I forgot what it felt like, but BOY it feels good!
All of this clarity came from going to Nar-Anon meetings, they saved my life. The tools that you learn in the meetings are things you can apply in every aspect of your life. You can choose to stay with him and give him another chance or you can choose to move on and leave him behind, MOST importantly is that you choose what YOU want to do!
Please do not let your choices be from manipulations or guilt.

Angelic17

amja, :ghug3

Welcome to SoberRecovery, and to the horrors of addiction that the addicts and their families face every day. I truly understand your situation, and I have been on both sides of the fence. I have 5 years clean now, so recovery is possible. The only thing is that your husband has to want it. Not YOU. Addiction is a family disease that takes it's toll on the addict, and all of those who love him.

Addiction is often resistant to recovery, and subject to relapse. It's what I refer to as a form of terrorism. You can still love and support your husband, without taking him back in, and without enabling him. There are a few things that HE should be doing.

WORKING is one of them. He is a father of 2 and a husband. It's his responisibility to work and provide for his wife and children. And besides Idol hands breed trouble. He should keep busy. If he doesn't keep busy working, not only a job, that puts food on the table and pays the bills, but a program of some sort, to help keep his addiction in check, he will most probably relapse. Especially with opiate addiction. It's a tough one. However, it can be done. I am proof of that. Regardless of his families wealth or generosity, he will only respect what he has worked for. Anything given causes a sense of entitlement and is usually taken for granted by an addict.

You ask if a live in Rehab will help the situation, the only person who can answer that is your husband himself. There are many people who have been to rehab after rehab, and not recovered. And then there are those like me, 10 years of opiate addiction, and woke up one day and said I'M DONE, and was done. Never touched another pill since that day 5 years ago. No rehab, no programs. I just wanted to be clean.
He's got to want it. What keeps me straight is ME, and my understanding of addiction, and how the brain will keep telling me to go and get drugs, even though I know they are ruining my life. I also have an addict for a son, which totally broke my heart, and devastated me. It made me want to set a good example for him. He is clean right now too. Thank GOD.

There is hope, so don't give up. The longer your husband stays clean, the better his chances are of a full recovery. Keep in mind, Addiction is not curable.

He needs to stay away from people, places and things. What I mean by that is people who he's gotten high with before, and copped the drugs from. Places where he has gone to get the drugs, and do them. And things, the things that are his triggers. What ever they may be, he might not even know his triggers. I didn't know mine, until I was clean for 2 years. Then I realized what my triggers were. But everyone is different.

We are not supposed to give suggestions on this site, only love and support, but alot of us do. My advice is for you to go to Nar-A-Non/Al-A-Non. That is a remarkable program for the families of addicted loved ones. That program gives alot of tools that can help you cope with the problems that addiction brings. While teaching us NOT TO ENABLE. How not to fall for the lies and manipulation that come along with drug addiction.

My heart goes out to you. You have two babies, and you want to have that perfect family. You also love your husband, and inspite of his addictions, he is still a human being. But, he has to do all of the right things, to get well, and get his family back.
It's up to you to be strong, and don't get sucked into the lies and manipulation.
Tell him what you want him to do, in order for you to take him back. And believe me, it takes time. There's no quick fix to this problem.

Set some guide lines, and if he follows them, and stays clean for more than a year, then you can consider reuniting. Until then, you probably shouldn't take him back in. He will just get comfortable, and do his drugs behind your back. He will sneak and lie, and you will go out of your mind, from the lack of trust, to the behavior of the addict.

Please keep us posted, and we will keep you and your family in our prayers.
Keep coming back here, because you will get tons of love and support from people who have been where you are, and others who have dealt with much worse.



They sell drug tests in the pharmacy, and if you want to you can get a few of them, and test him randomly without letting him know your going to test him.
Because there are ways for the addict to fool the urine tests as well.
If he doesn't know your gonna test him, then he most likely wont buy the stuff that hides the results in the urine test.

outtolunch

What does "given a home" mean? Is the deed in your names or is family letting you use this cabin?

Is there any reason to think that you could not continue to live in this cabin until your are done with school?

Are you working? Is he contributing to the support of his family?

amja

Thank you everyone for your responses. I truly appreciate the input and support. FYI I went to a nar-anon meeting tonight, but nobody was there. I'm assuming the meetings have discontinued, there was no number or anything to call though, just a church location.

The house and cabin were given to us, but they are both still in his families' names. We were trying to figure a way around the major taxes involved before switching the names on the deeds.

Good news: I have been told by his father that I may stay at the house with the kids. The catch is, if I were to become involved with another man, I would have to move. While I have NO intentions of doing such, I don't know that it's best for my home stability to depend on my relationship status. There are too many what-if's, ya know? But for now, it's my home and I do not have to pay. I'll definitely be staying here.

I'm currently a part-time nanny, which pays the bills. D just got a job at a restaurant, but hasn't given us any money so far. He is not yet required to pay child support, as I haven't officially filed the divorce papers.

bluebelle

I noticed that in your first post you stated that either you had to stay with him and stay in school, or quit school and go to work full-time. I just wanted to let you know that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You are just seeing these two options right now, but there are more. You may be able to work part-time and go to school part-time. I don't know where you live, but have you looked into the social services available to you? Most places have programs for women who are trying to raise their kids alone and who want to go to school. You may be able to get a federal grant to help you with school. You may be able to get some housing assistance, medical care, food assistance for you and your family. You sound like a strong woman, and I think that you have more options than you realize. It sounds like your husband is not someone you can depend on. It also sounds like you've already made some good steps--filing for divorce, having your own bank account, etc.

URMYEVERYTHING

You have said something profound here maybe not realizing the words about your stability being based off of your relationship status.

Who has control of your life here? You or your father in law?

I don't know....it seems like a toxic situation to me but you are also faced with no where to go at this moment it sounds like.

Just be careful about this arrangement. At any time he suspects anything (even if it's not really happening) he can throw you and the kids out at anytime.

phoebe38

I am going through the same thing...only my husband is not living clean...and we are not young, I am 40 and he will soon be 43, me and my kids have been going through this for a very long time, promises, trust and then using gain, over and over. I have no advise, except,you know how much you can take, and you can choose to leave, your kids don't have that luxury. I have played God with them for years, and now I must make a choice. HUGS to you. Good Luck.

coffeedrinker

amja,

i think you have figured out that just because he says he wants a life with you, with his children, and perhaps he wants to be clean, doesn't make it actually happen.

he has his learning curve as well. perhaps today, or tomorrow, or next year, he will truly understand what it will take for him to get clean and sober, and then stay that way.

until he knows that, deep inside of his mind and heart, he will never be so. that's just the way it works.

he needs a lot of clean time before you can consider trusting him again.

opiate addiction is not a monkey on your back; it's a monster. it's extremely difficult to fight. my xabf looked, talked, smelled, and WAS great when he was clean and sober. i knew he wanted it more than anything at those times. but, for whatever reasons, he kept returning to the life. even as he knew better, and hated himself for it, he did it. even when he knew the consequences, and they were great, he did it.

you are wise to do what you're doing. take care of your family as best you can, and minimize, or cut off, contact with this addict at least for now.