Wascally Wabbit

She is 80. She is fearful of her future (understandable) and has no one but me to help.
She is also a bit strange, and an ex drinker, (30 yrs sober and long time AA member and sponsor, but the behavior remains the same)
My fear is that if I let her move in, that I will not be able to remove her from my home if I am unable to care for her. By this I mean I can't take her craziness, her constant complaining etc. even incontinance, and want her out of my home to save my own sanity.
I live in SC
Are there laws that would prevent me from forcing her to leave? Of course I would help her find arrangements, but I am fearful of some law that might say I can not remove a person of her age/disability from my home.
I love her but I know I couldn't get along with her for long. That being said, a temporary arrangement of 2-3 months might be ok with me but longer would not be.
What are my rights?

bookwyrm

Speak to a lawyer. But really, I wouldn't take my mum in. We get on really well but prolonged 'exposure' would damage that relationship too much. Is it worth it? Can't you find her an alternative right now rather than 3 months down the road? Once she is in your home then you may find it hard to get her out, regardless of your legal position, with the emotional blackmail, the guilt etc etc.

If you have no other 'choice' (and there is always a choice) then be clear on exactly what you are offering! Its a bit worrying when you're talking about getting her out of your home legally when she hasn't even moved in yet.

Helenlee

Maybe put the energy into finding alternative accommodation for her now rather than have her move in only to have to move out again in a couple of months ... saves stress on all concerned.

suki44883

Helenlee said exactly what I was thinking. Why go through all the trouble for how ever long and then have to go through all the trouble to move her out. Why does she need a place to stay? Is she able to live alone? Have you considered assisted living?

Thumper

I agree with this. My in-laws did not take a stand with their mom when faced with a similar situation. If they would have refused to help her move into living situations they knew would not last and were borderline unsafe it would have saved so much drama for my MIL. All the moving, and not knowing where to go, feelings of not being safe, always trying to make another life changing decision (when it should have been made only once) resulted in her last year here on this earth being filled with anxiety, stress, and fear. It was really quite sad.

Is your house assissible, no stairs grab bars in bathroom etc.?, Are you close to doctors and able to assist her with the many doctor appts. the elderly usually need,? Do you have the time to arrange for someone to help her with her bathing and personal needs - or are you able to do that? Are there any avenues for a social life for her if she lives with you? Is she afraid to stay alone? If she is this is going to be a serious life style adjustment.
Those are some of the things to consider. That doesn't even touch on the fact that she is apparently a little cross, as is often the case.

There are waiting lists to most assisted living environments as well as nursing homes. If it were me, I'd put my time and energy into checking area assisted living and nursing homes out to see which ones are the best and put her name on the list. I'd bring her and show her the top two and ask her to decide which she likes best. She will get the care she needs, social stimulation, and you can be a loving and supportive son by your visits and helping her manage her care there --- not taking legal action to get her out of your house.

Fandy

Thumper brings up some very good points, although state laws vary. My mother was unable to care for herself after and accident and surgery. My brother and I kept her in her own home with help as long as we could, but it was extremely worrisome and very stressful for all of us. my mother's dementia advanced and we kept her doctor in the loop...she could not care for herself.

when she injured herself and spent the night on the kitchen floor, we knew it was time to move her to a nursing home...we did this through admiting her to a local medical facility and they transferred her to a nursing home. Social Services is very strict in NJ about elder care and safety...most nursing homes have to take a certain number of medicaid patients. it was the best decision we could have made for her safety and peace of mind for all of us....3 years later my mom is fine physically but her dementia is advancing rapidly...there is no way either of us could take care of her in our homes.

your mother's oddities may be age-related, you should speak to her doctor who can do an evaluation and give you the information you need. All nursing home inspections and violations (and the depth of them) are available online, so you can compare. If you can find a non-profit, they are generally the best. good luck.

Wascally Wabbit

Thank you all. I am thankful for all the imput.
Mom has a way of guilting me into things that I wind up regretting. She can't afford an assisted living center, they're a minimum of 3000.00 per month!
There's NOTHING around me. I have checked with every one and every organization.
There is a place for her that is seniors only that's 2 hours away from here. I think that is the best option.
Again, thanks for the wake up call. If I did let her in, I would be miserable.

kelsh

I worked with the Elderly in these type of environments & found most of them up to standard in all areas. Cost is prohibative in some cases. Where the person is low income or has a very good retirement they can usually get the services they need. But the others that have a moderate income are the ones left out.

In our county they are required to have facilities for at least two or three low income in which their Social Security pays most of it & they are left with $60
a month spending money & coupons for medical to go with Medicare.

The people that have funds available & good insurance besides their Medicare have to pay for their Assisted Living or Nursing Home Care.

It is sad to say that most of these facilities are run by corporations & are in the business to make money.

I have a son living in an Assisted Living Home for Special Needs & he gets very good care. He is a quadriplegic and needs 24 hour care now. He is 40 years old & was in the Navy four years so receives help from the VA Hospital too. It takes his Pension from the Navy, his Social Security, & State aid all together to pay for his care.

It might be helpful to talk with her doc to see what her need is at the moment & if she would qualify for SSI which adds monies to her Social Security + medicare too to pay for her needs. Sometimes a person might have too much money or assests so some would need to be spent to make her eligible for the services she may need. The doc may be able to direct you to a Social Worker at the Department of Social Services or a similar place to help you do what needs to be done.


It is better to go this way first rather than move her in with you & then find the stress is too much. Life endings & issues are very hard to deal with plus the fact that so many people want to make money of the illness of others.


kelsh

Wascally Wabbit

Kelsh,
Thanks so much. My mom is right in the middle as you mentioned. Not poor enough and not rich enough! Can't afford assisted care, but can't get into gov't subsidized apartments.
Add that to there not being any senior type apartments anywhere near me.
The only way it's going to happen is with a miracle. I guess I better start praying!

Fandy

when my mother turned 80 (she is now almost 91), we went to an attorney and made her indigent for medical reasons....she turned all of her assets over to me and my brother on paper. this was to prevent the state from taking her house in the event that she had a lot of medical bills and nursing home costs.

i'm glad my brother had the foresite to recommend this...because the nursing home where she has lived since 2009 is about $9,000 a month, we could never afford it. the first question they ask when you are setting up long term care is how much $$ she has and does she have a house which we would have had to turn over to the state for her care, leaving nothing for an inheiritance.

this is where medicaid beds are determined for each facility.

it's a fairly common practice to make your parents "medically indigent" but the timeframe for doing this varies from state to state,( i think in NJ it has to be 3-4 years prior to moving them into a nursing home) and of course me and my brother have to pay the taxes and upkeep insurance on her house which we have not yet sold, but just rent to help defer the costs.

social services applications are long and very detailed, the paperwork is like another job.

whatever you decide, it is a difficult time for both you and your mom, you want to do right by her but still have your own life and keep your sanity, while keeping her safe and as happy as she could be.