Things getting tough-already!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Things getting tough-already!
son who is most likely addictive person, is making me miserable, as he is miserable. trying to turn the tables and blame me, and making me doubt myself. angry cause he cant find beer or pills that would make his "sinus" condition not make him crazy today.
I see how futile it is , to argue with a person who may be an addict. they are not gonna see the truth, until they are face down in the gutter, looking it in the eye. that is how hopeless i am feeling right now. i am afraid that he will never get his life together, tho some addicts have. i wish i could get the courage to just drop him on the street corner. if he does not drink in my house, he may stay until he gets his own place- in about 100 years!
thanks for the support
I see how futile it is , to argue with a person who may be an addict. they are not gonna see the truth, until they are face down in the gutter, looking it in the eye. that is how hopeless i am feeling right now. i am afraid that he will never get his life together, tho some addicts have. i wish i could get the courage to just drop him on the street corner. if he does not drink in my house, he may stay until he gets his own place- in about 100 years!
thanks for the support
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
chicory,
i understand and feel your frustration.
when i had to kick my oldest out again, he asked me why?
i said, "you are bangin heroin again, and that is not allowed in my house."
he says, "oh, the needles were only for methadone."
uh, okay honey, no needles, no methadone, no heroin, no nodding out, no missing school, no missing work. what else is left. damn. they can be so blind.
set the boundary chicory, and i know how damn hard that is.
you can do it. you will have peace.
beth
i understand and feel your frustration.
when i had to kick my oldest out again, he asked me why?
i said, "you are bangin heroin again, and that is not allowed in my house."
he says, "oh, the needles were only for methadone."
uh, okay honey, no needles, no methadone, no heroin, no nodding out, no missing school, no missing work. what else is left. damn. they can be so blind.
set the boundary chicory, and i know how damn hard that is.
you can do it. you will have peace.
beth
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
i wish i could get the courage to just drop him on the street corner.
YOU are NUMBER ONE!!! Treat yourself that way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hang in there Chicory. I so remember the self doubt, guilt, and confusion my xah could cause. It *is* hard - but you are tougher then addiction.
When I first started posting here someone told me something like 'get out your armor suit, you are about to go to war with alcohol.' Boy were they right. I thought I was prepared for things to be difficult but I had no idea how far addiction would carry my xah off into the land of guilt/manipulation/emotional abuse/blame etc.
I reminded myself of that a lot and it helped me to hold my ground through the most difficult times, when I felt small and full of doubt and fear. I could see addiction winning the war with xah right before my eyes - I wasn't about to let it get me too.
When I first started posting here someone told me something like 'get out your armor suit, you are about to go to war with alcohol.' Boy were they right. I thought I was prepared for things to be difficult but I had no idea how far addiction would carry my xah off into the land of guilt/manipulation/emotional abuse/blame etc.
I reminded myself of that a lot and it helped me to hold my ground through the most difficult times, when I felt small and full of doubt and fear. I could see addiction winning the war with xah right before my eyes - I wasn't about to let it get me too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
When I first started posting here someone told me something like 'get out your armor suit, you are about to go to war with alcohol.' Boy were they right. I thought I was prepared for things to be difficult but I had no idea how far addiction would carry my xah off into the land of guilt/manipulation/emotional abuse/blame etc
This is scary stuff to me
- but i am thankful that my son has me, to make life harder for him. perhaps he will hit bottom, and decide to live. I am so scared for him. its like a toss of the dice-
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
(((Chicory))),
If you don't mind me saying so, I'm noticing that you're refering to him as someone who "may be an addict"? Your own post is pretty much proof that there is no maybe about it. This is what addicts do. They constantly blame others, especially when they are angry, and they are especially angry when they cannot use, drink, whatever... it's all the same. Addict, alcoholic... it's just a matter of what their drug of choice is.
If he's pushing you that much, it really may be time to tighten your boundaries some, even if it does mean he ends up on the streets. It's your house, you are definitely within your rights to do that. Maybe even tell him that you are willing to take him to Salvation Army, or whereever else you may be thinking he should go?
Remember, though, that if you set a boundary, and tell him the consequence for breaking that boundary is not staying at your house, and breaks it anyways, then he has made his choice. YOU are not kicking him to the curb. HE is making a choice to be put out.
You're doing so well. Don't let him talk you into self doubt.
If you don't mind me saying so, I'm noticing that you're refering to him as someone who "may be an addict"? Your own post is pretty much proof that there is no maybe about it. This is what addicts do. They constantly blame others, especially when they are angry, and they are especially angry when they cannot use, drink, whatever... it's all the same. Addict, alcoholic... it's just a matter of what their drug of choice is.
If he's pushing you that much, it really may be time to tighten your boundaries some, even if it does mean he ends up on the streets. It's your house, you are definitely within your rights to do that. Maybe even tell him that you are willing to take him to Salvation Army, or whereever else you may be thinking he should go?
Remember, though, that if you set a boundary, and tell him the consequence for breaking that boundary is not staying at your house, and breaks it anyways, then he has made his choice. YOU are not kicking him to the curb. HE is making a choice to be put out.
You're doing so well. Don't let him talk you into self doubt.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
well Anvilhead,
it is not so black and white. you are right- i am giving him a roof, a bed, and a home. perhaps you missed the part where i have stopped giving him smokes and the two beers a week. my son is not a well adjusted man, and i have been doing the best i can, short of letting him walk the streets , with no where to go. Do you have children? Do you know how hard it is to lay your head on a pillow at night, and wonder if your child got an available bed at the homeless shelter? I do.
My son is not a normal person, and i just spent lots of time and effort, getting him in to psychiatrists, to see if there is some reason why I should not try letting him hit bottom. I would imagine there are some instances where it is not in a persons best interest to be deserted. If it is so helpful to make people homeless, why then are there so many homeless , hopeless people in this world? I guess you do not feel sorry for them, either?
You do not know if my son IS an alcoholic, or if he has a mental illness that needs treatment.
You also do not know me, or why I do what I do. If you think I like seeing my son be half the man that he should be /could be, you are wrong again. If you think I am doing it for myself , somehow, boy, that is stupid. My son is breaking my heart. He wants a family, home, job, and his dignity, and I want those things for him too.
We are waiting for the hospital to call and make an appt for him, for his sinus problem. It has bothered him for at least his whole adult life, and it is so distracting, and makes him miserable. he has no car, no job. He is not drinking here, and will not, at my request. if he does , he is out. I am learning from being here , that i have not had strong enough boundaries.
I had s---y parents, both alcoholic, and guess at what normal is, in parenting. I am afraid, and i know that this is a desperate situation. I have taken him looking for jobs, and there are not many opportunities here. He is trying.
Just what do you get out of making me feel stupid?
it is not so black and white. you are right- i am giving him a roof, a bed, and a home. perhaps you missed the part where i have stopped giving him smokes and the two beers a week. my son is not a well adjusted man, and i have been doing the best i can, short of letting him walk the streets , with no where to go. Do you have children? Do you know how hard it is to lay your head on a pillow at night, and wonder if your child got an available bed at the homeless shelter? I do.
My son is not a normal person, and i just spent lots of time and effort, getting him in to psychiatrists, to see if there is some reason why I should not try letting him hit bottom. I would imagine there are some instances where it is not in a persons best interest to be deserted. If it is so helpful to make people homeless, why then are there so many homeless , hopeless people in this world? I guess you do not feel sorry for them, either?
You do not know if my son IS an alcoholic, or if he has a mental illness that needs treatment.
You also do not know me, or why I do what I do. If you think I like seeing my son be half the man that he should be /could be, you are wrong again. If you think I am doing it for myself , somehow, boy, that is stupid. My son is breaking my heart. He wants a family, home, job, and his dignity, and I want those things for him too.
We are waiting for the hospital to call and make an appt for him, for his sinus problem. It has bothered him for at least his whole adult life, and it is so distracting, and makes him miserable. he has no car, no job. He is not drinking here, and will not, at my request. if he does , he is out. I am learning from being here , that i have not had strong enough boundaries.
I had s---y parents, both alcoholic, and guess at what normal is, in parenting. I am afraid, and i know that this is a desperate situation. I have taken him looking for jobs, and there are not many opportunities here. He is trying.
Just what do you get out of making me feel stupid?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
anvilhead wrote:
"why not set him free? why not send him out into the world? he's AN ADULT NOW. what do YOU get out of keeping him with you in a hostage situation? what need does that fill in YOU?"
my reply- more of it anyway:
He is afraid to leave. He has no where to go. No money. No job. No car. He is not a hostage. He will not leave, and is close to having a nervous breakdown at the thought of it. He is in pain, and needs medical help that the shelters dont have . He is not drinking here, or doing any drugs. If he had beer he would, and I do think he is most likely an alcoholic. He has no friends, no family other than me who can help him. He was in a shelter a year ago, and spent his days walking the streets, looking for work in the ghetto part of the city. He was able to stay there from 6 pm to 7am. He got things stolen, and carried his belongings with him, during the day on the street. he spent time going to the library, and found a few part time jobs, thru the shelter. I would take him cigarettes, and he would share them with the other homeless smokers.
he would not profess "Christianity" in order to get three meals and days in the shelter, instead he got breakfast sometimes, and a shower when it was not plugged up, and had to leave until dinner. washing your clothes out and hanging them on your bed to dry was not allowed. if you had money you could walk blocks and wash them, but how much of a priority is it, when you have nothing?
How do you think people get out of that situation? Many, many do not. Especially the mentally ill. I could not, with good conscience, put my son back there, if i am not sure whether he needs some mental help too.
__________________
"why not set him free? why not send him out into the world? he's AN ADULT NOW. what do YOU get out of keeping him with you in a hostage situation? what need does that fill in YOU?"
my reply- more of it anyway:
He is afraid to leave. He has no where to go. No money. No job. No car. He is not a hostage. He will not leave, and is close to having a nervous breakdown at the thought of it. He is in pain, and needs medical help that the shelters dont have . He is not drinking here, or doing any drugs. If he had beer he would, and I do think he is most likely an alcoholic. He has no friends, no family other than me who can help him. He was in a shelter a year ago, and spent his days walking the streets, looking for work in the ghetto part of the city. He was able to stay there from 6 pm to 7am. He got things stolen, and carried his belongings with him, during the day on the street. he spent time going to the library, and found a few part time jobs, thru the shelter. I would take him cigarettes, and he would share them with the other homeless smokers.
he would not profess "Christianity" in order to get three meals and days in the shelter, instead he got breakfast sometimes, and a shower when it was not plugged up, and had to leave until dinner. washing your clothes out and hanging them on your bed to dry was not allowed. if you had money you could walk blocks and wash them, but how much of a priority is it, when you have nothing?
How do you think people get out of that situation? Many, many do not. Especially the mentally ill. I could not, with good conscience, put my son back there, if i am not sure whether he needs some mental help too.
__________________
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
My heart has always gone out to the "parents". It's got to be the worst to watch this disease take your child.
I'm grateful that wasn't the case for me. Hard enough to watch it take the mother of my child.
Have you been able to find an Alanon meeting? I found f2f comfort there.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I'm grateful that wasn't the case for me. Hard enough to watch it take the mother of my child.
Have you been able to find an Alanon meeting? I found f2f comfort there.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Chicory, how are you doing on your boundaries? 
You know, I truly believe my 32 year old AD has mental illness beyond anything I could even comprehend.
She's been through several psychiatrists/psychologists/counselors, and drug/alcohol assessments over the years.
She hasn't been honest with a single one of them either.
She has zero remorse for anything she's done in the past. She will look you in the eye and lie without blinking, with a straight face.
She's happy she found a psychiatrist that prescribes her Xanax now. She sells them, and abuses them.
She is beyond the scope of any help I could offer. Lord knows I tried.
She's managed to find low income housing, has been in a nice little 2 bedroom apartment now for 3 years. She has no inclination to better her life. She's been fighting for disability for a few years now.
She's morbidly obese. Her teeth are rotting due to past drug use, and she drinks pop by the gallon every day. She already has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, which is commonly found in the elderly. She smokes like a chimney.
Mentally ill or not, it is her life to live as she chooses. I expect with her current health problems that I will probably bury her within the next ten years, perhaps lung cancer or a heart attack.
For me, God is either everything, or he is nothing.
I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
You know, I truly believe my 32 year old AD has mental illness beyond anything I could even comprehend.
She's been through several psychiatrists/psychologists/counselors, and drug/alcohol assessments over the years.
She hasn't been honest with a single one of them either.
She has zero remorse for anything she's done in the past. She will look you in the eye and lie without blinking, with a straight face.
She's happy she found a psychiatrist that prescribes her Xanax now. She sells them, and abuses them.
She is beyond the scope of any help I could offer. Lord knows I tried.
She's managed to find low income housing, has been in a nice little 2 bedroom apartment now for 3 years. She has no inclination to better her life. She's been fighting for disability for a few years now.
She's morbidly obese. Her teeth are rotting due to past drug use, and she drinks pop by the gallon every day. She already has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, which is commonly found in the elderly. She smokes like a chimney.
Mentally ill or not, it is her life to live as she chooses. I expect with her current health problems that I will probably bury her within the next ten years, perhaps lung cancer or a heart attack.
For me, God is either everything, or he is nothing.
I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Hi Chicory,
My heart goes out to you. You are doing a great job though, making some boundries and trying some new things. As I have made changes throughout my path it always helps me to remember it is Ok to go slow. We did not get where we are today overnight and it will take some time to make meaningful changes that stick. We need to decide what is best for ourselves - we know us best - we know what we need if we listen to hearts and our own mind. Be strong with the situation but be GENTLE with yourself.
I understand your feelings of fear and loss with letting your son go - possibly out to the streets. I have not seen or heard from my daughter in 4 years. She is an addict and has some mental health issues as well. I have had to let her go. I just hope upon hope she is making better choices now. Once a year or so she will get in touch with my mom. At least I know she is alive. It is out of my hands. I hope you find some peace in letting go - it is there to be found if you work at it.
My heart goes out to you. You are doing a great job though, making some boundries and trying some new things. As I have made changes throughout my path it always helps me to remember it is Ok to go slow. We did not get where we are today overnight and it will take some time to make meaningful changes that stick. We need to decide what is best for ourselves - we know us best - we know what we need if we listen to hearts and our own mind. Be strong with the situation but be GENTLE with yourself.
I understand your feelings of fear and loss with letting your son go - possibly out to the streets. I have not seen or heard from my daughter in 4 years. She is an addict and has some mental health issues as well. I have had to let her go. I just hope upon hope she is making better choices now. Once a year or so she will get in touch with my mom. At least I know she is alive. It is out of my hands. I hope you find some peace in letting go - it is there to be found if you work at it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thank you, for the comforting, as I was upset last night. As we all are, with any loved one struggling.
I am sorry for your pain, with children going uphill in this battle with addiction/mental issues. I know that i am getting better with my boundaries, tho slowly. I do not want to make a mistake, where my son is concerned. sometimes we only get one chance.
i bought him smokes, for his father is sending him money(for smokes), and I do not want him to use it for beer, so i told him he could pay me back when the money comes.
after some thought and after my daughters lectures", i realize that i am doing the control thing, that us aca's are so good at. if he gets a job, i cannot control what he spends the money on- i can just control what i will let him do here.
as long as he is staying sober-right now, he has not much choice- I will go slowly, and get him the medical help he needs. He claims that the sinus thing is so distracting, that he cannot concentrate on anything very well. i have no choice but to believe him, and to get him help for that , asap. we had to file for financial aid, and are waiting for the ENT group at the university hosp. to review his referral, and to call us, to make appt. we got the full financial aid (whew)
hadt o take him to the emergency room first, over a month ago, where the doctor prescribed nose spray, and of all things , tramadol, which is a really nice drug for addicts, as i understand it, from reading blogs on it . he felt so much better, of course, and that did not help matters here. he cannot understand why the ent specialist we went to did not give him something too. just a referral, after i asked for it, to get him to university hosp. there appears to be some kind of shadow on one side of the face, on the sinus area. hopefully they will get it fixed, and he will at least not be in misery, as he struggles with the other problems he has.
i really want to let go- if i knew that my son would be happy for it, i'd let him go, and never contact him again. to know he was happy would be enough.
saying prayers for your children. i know your hearts hold a pain, and I pray that each day, a little more good comes into their lives, and yours too. I need God's help, and am open to his suggestions,for sure. I believe He works through us.
I am sorry to Coyote, for the loss of the mother of your child. I hope that you are both doing well. I so apperciate your caring , and compassion, and understanding, and the support, even if you all know someone is not doing the best thing.
thank you all for being here.
I am sorry for your pain, with children going uphill in this battle with addiction/mental issues. I know that i am getting better with my boundaries, tho slowly. I do not want to make a mistake, where my son is concerned. sometimes we only get one chance.
i bought him smokes, for his father is sending him money(for smokes), and I do not want him to use it for beer, so i told him he could pay me back when the money comes.
after some thought and after my daughters lectures", i realize that i am doing the control thing, that us aca's are so good at. if he gets a job, i cannot control what he spends the money on- i can just control what i will let him do here.
as long as he is staying sober-right now, he has not much choice- I will go slowly, and get him the medical help he needs. He claims that the sinus thing is so distracting, that he cannot concentrate on anything very well. i have no choice but to believe him, and to get him help for that , asap. we had to file for financial aid, and are waiting for the ENT group at the university hosp. to review his referral, and to call us, to make appt. we got the full financial aid (whew)
hadt o take him to the emergency room first, over a month ago, where the doctor prescribed nose spray, and of all things , tramadol, which is a really nice drug for addicts, as i understand it, from reading blogs on it . he felt so much better, of course, and that did not help matters here. he cannot understand why the ent specialist we went to did not give him something too. just a referral, after i asked for it, to get him to university hosp. there appears to be some kind of shadow on one side of the face, on the sinus area. hopefully they will get it fixed, and he will at least not be in misery, as he struggles with the other problems he has.
i really want to let go- if i knew that my son would be happy for it, i'd let him go, and never contact him again. to know he was happy would be enough.
saying prayers for your children. i know your hearts hold a pain, and I pray that each day, a little more good comes into their lives, and yours too. I need God's help, and am open to his suggestions,for sure. I believe He works through us.
I am sorry to Coyote, for the loss of the mother of your child. I hope that you are both doing well. I so apperciate your caring , and compassion, and understanding, and the support, even if you all know someone is not doing the best thing.
thank you all for being here.
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