Please Help
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Please Help
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Hi
Today I learned that my ex (not my exA, but the non-A before him) just had a child with his wife.
We split because I wanted to get married and have kids. He didn't but wanted the status quo. We kept that going for almost a decade before I started dating other people (the A) who wanted to be married and have kids.
I feel hurt and sort of numb right now. He lied to me all of those years about children. He would end things because I wanted a family and he didn't. He told me that I couldn't handle a relationship like ours. Arghh! He is 14 years older than I am. I was 22 when we started dating.
He used me and I was too young to understand what was going on. I really believed him. I feel sick to my stomach now that I write this out.
What the hell is wrong with me?
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Hi
Today I learned that my ex (not my exA, but the non-A before him) just had a child with his wife.
We split because I wanted to get married and have kids. He didn't but wanted the status quo. We kept that going for almost a decade before I started dating other people (the A) who wanted to be married and have kids.
I feel hurt and sort of numb right now. He lied to me all of those years about children. He would end things because I wanted a family and he didn't. He told me that I couldn't handle a relationship like ours. Arghh! He is 14 years older than I am. I was 22 when we started dating.
He used me and I was too young to understand what was going on. I really believed him. I feel sick to my stomach now that I write this out.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Maybe he changed his mind? Lots of people do about having kids. Maybe it was not planned, lots of people end up having kids they don't plan for (like my parents did LOL). His current life choices probably have nothing to do with you.
If he is that big of a jerk then you dodged a bullet by not having kids with him, trust me.
If he is that big of a jerk then you dodged a bullet by not having kids with him, trust me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Oh Miss Fixit, I can understand why this would make your stomach turn.
I don't know if I am going to say anything that will make you feel better... but I am going to be honest with my perspective on it.
When dating, people mislead each other all of the time....some of it is intentional, some of it really isn't. I don't know the man who is your X, but he very well may not have wanted to get married and children at the time. He may have also known that he wasn't quite sure if he wanted those things with you. UGH....I'm sorry if that sounds harsh! I don't mean to.
Maybe he used you, maybe he didn't. He most likely cared about you very much; a decade is a long time to be involved with someone.
Bottom line is that you weren't the right one for him, and more importantly he wasn't the right one for you. I know it kinda has that feeling of "rejection" to it, but this is not a case of that. Your paths took different turns.
And there is NOTHING wrong with you. Continue healing yourself from the last relationship you were in with an A.
If you were feeling a little differently about your life right now, I can guarantee that this news about your X wouldn't be bothering you. Focus on you..... you're perfect!
I don't know if I am going to say anything that will make you feel better... but I am going to be honest with my perspective on it.
When dating, people mislead each other all of the time....some of it is intentional, some of it really isn't. I don't know the man who is your X, but he very well may not have wanted to get married and children at the time. He may have also known that he wasn't quite sure if he wanted those things with you. UGH....I'm sorry if that sounds harsh! I don't mean to.
Maybe he used you, maybe he didn't. He most likely cared about you very much; a decade is a long time to be involved with someone.
Bottom line is that you weren't the right one for him, and more importantly he wasn't the right one for you. I know it kinda has that feeling of "rejection" to it, but this is not a case of that. Your paths took different turns.
And there is NOTHING wrong with you. Continue healing yourself from the last relationship you were in with an A.
If you were feeling a little differently about your life right now, I can guarantee that this news about your X wouldn't be bothering you. Focus on you..... you're perfect!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Oh
Both exes are married to women they knew for 2 and 3 months before getting engaged. I was with one for 8 years and the other for 4 years.
The ex that hated kids now has one at age 48.
Those were MY dreams. They are living out with other women.
No, I don't want to be with the A, but good God, they BOTH lied to me and carry out my dreams without me.
WTH is wrong with me?
FYI both wives are much older, less educated, AGGRESSIVE and not so cute. WTH?
Both exes are married to women they knew for 2 and 3 months before getting engaged. I was with one for 8 years and the other for 4 years.
The ex that hated kids now has one at age 48.
Those were MY dreams. They are living out with other women.
No, I don't want to be with the A, but good God, they BOTH lied to me and carry out my dreams without me.
WTH is wrong with me?
FYI both wives are much older, less educated, AGGRESSIVE and not so cute. WTH?
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
I'm sorry...
Sometimes life is all about timing Miss Fix it. You were both in different places then. I wouldn't assume he lied to you, he didn't want kids at that time in his life. Sounds to me like he did some changing...that's all. It still hurts though....
Sometimes life is all about timing Miss Fix it. You were both in different places then. I wouldn't assume he lied to you, he didn't want kids at that time in his life. Sounds to me like he did some changing...that's all. It still hurts though....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
both wives are much older, less educated, AGGRESSIVE and not so cute. WTH?
I can understand your hurt, but let's try to keep some perspective here and not attack the other women's intelligence or looks out of being hurt. This is the one thing that seems to come naturally to women, and it is something I want for women to try and stop doing.
Your anger is with the men, and rightfully felt. So let's keep it about them. Know what I mean?
And you still have YOUR DREAMS. They are yours. No one else can live your dreams. What do we always talk about here? Magical thinking. We imagine someone else's life to be perfect....we IMAGINE it as the life we wanted. Things are NEVER perfect.
I can understand your hurt, but let's try to keep some perspective here and not attack the other women's intelligence or looks out of being hurt. This is the one thing that seems to come naturally to women, and it is something I want for women to try and stop doing.
Your anger is with the men, and rightfully felt. So let's keep it about them. Know what I mean?
And you still have YOUR DREAMS. They are yours. No one else can live your dreams. What do we always talk about here? Magical thinking. We imagine someone else's life to be perfect....we IMAGINE it as the life we wanted. Things are NEVER perfect.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Yes true Kittyboo, but I believe it is also natural to look at the other women as a yardstick of measure and a way to understand the 'why's' (however fruitless the exercise)
Maybe he didn't want someone younger, educated, less aggressive and cute. It certainly happens that way.
Maybe he didn't want someone younger, educated, less aggressive and cute. It certainly happens that way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi
It was catty, but I am being honest here, not politically correct. Neither woman is in my league. Not meaning to be horribly arrogant, but absolutely honest.
I have NEVER heard ONE nice thing about either woman. The one with the exA harrassed me and my family for 7 months (I wrote plenty on that last year). The one that just had the baby (I learned today) used to sit around a trash talk me with my ex by her side. I NEVER did that to them. I didn't like her, but kept far, far away ON PURPOSE.
It was catty, but I am being honest here, not politically correct. Neither woman is in my league. Not meaning to be horribly arrogant, but absolutely honest.
I have NEVER heard ONE nice thing about either woman. The one with the exA harrassed me and my family for 7 months (I wrote plenty on that last year). The one that just had the baby (I learned today) used to sit around a trash talk me with my ex by her side. I NEVER did that to them. I didn't like her, but kept far, far away ON PURPOSE.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Oh I agree.... it's definitely natural. We tend to measure ourselves up against the competition.. it's just unhealthy, and usually completely distorted.
When my X went back to his X, I couldn't help but measure myself against her....she's 24,(we're both 34), she plays 4 instruments, sings in a band, speaks fluent spanish and I would say is somewhat attractive....
And I would say...WTH is wrong with me???? I'm attractive, i'm certainly not stupid, why why why???
But no matter how much comparison, the answer ultimately has nothing to do with me...it has to do with the connection he felt with her. That's a REALLY hard thing to accept.
Kind of like you said... "maybe he didn't want someone younger, less educated and cute"..so true!! Miss Fixit, his ultimate choices have NOTHING to do with you. This I believe.
When my X went back to his X, I couldn't help but measure myself against her....she's 24,(we're both 34), she plays 4 instruments, sings in a band, speaks fluent spanish and I would say is somewhat attractive....
And I would say...WTH is wrong with me???? I'm attractive, i'm certainly not stupid, why why why???
But no matter how much comparison, the answer ultimately has nothing to do with me...it has to do with the connection he felt with her. That's a REALLY hard thing to accept.
Kind of like you said... "maybe he didn't want someone younger, less educated and cute"..so true!! Miss Fixit, his ultimate choices have NOTHING to do with you. This I believe.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
But I do agree with Gerry too...."it says more about him than you..."
Sounds like he doesn't have a lot of self esteem.... usually people with less self esteem like to be with people they feel better than. Just a theory.
Sounds like he doesn't have a lot of self esteem.... usually people with less self esteem like to be with people they feel better than. Just a theory.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Oh Miss, I'm so sorry this has hurt you.
What upsets me most is that his life has you somehow questioning your own worth.
You wonder what is wrong with you and there really isn't anything beyond the fact that you somehow think somebody else's life choices has anything to do with your value as a young, vital, and vibrant woman.
I'm sure you can see that we all change our minds about our goals and dreams as we make our way through life. Your EX didn't want the same things as you back then and so be it. You didn't want the same things as your EX-A and I'm sure you don't feel all that bad about that fact anymore.
I feel your hurt anytime I wonder if my XABF has dropped his dream of being an aged, broken down alcoholic and, has sought a happy sober life with someone new, but the longer I stay stuck in following his life in my head, the longer I have to wait to fullfill my own dreams. My dreams haven't changed much since I met him, I was pleased to discover so they will be a long-time coming when they do!
Hang in their Miss!!
Alice
What upsets me most is that his life has you somehow questioning your own worth.
You wonder what is wrong with you and there really isn't anything beyond the fact that you somehow think somebody else's life choices has anything to do with your value as a young, vital, and vibrant woman.
I'm sure you can see that we all change our minds about our goals and dreams as we make our way through life. Your EX didn't want the same things as you back then and so be it. You didn't want the same things as your EX-A and I'm sure you don't feel all that bad about that fact anymore.
I feel your hurt anytime I wonder if my XABF has dropped his dream of being an aged, broken down alcoholic and, has sought a happy sober life with someone new, but the longer I stay stuck in following his life in my head, the longer I have to wait to fullfill my own dreams. My dreams haven't changed much since I met him, I was pleased to discover so they will be a long-time coming when they do!
Hang in their Miss!!
Alice
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
This reminds me of something I heard in the rooms of al-anon...
Whenever I start measuring my "insides" to someone elses "outsides" I know I am in trouble.
be gentle with yourself
Whenever I start measuring my "insides" to someone elses "outsides" I know I am in trouble.
be gentle with yourself
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Miss
We have walked together these last months - over a year now.
I see you are doing a mistake here. Paying attention to others lives. I can't do that anymore you know. For instance Facebook I used to see pics and go "oh nice". Now I say "wow she is prettier than me, WTF this other seems to have FUN when he is a rat, oh that other got fat, REALLY did THEY marry?????? oh look SHE is much better than him..".
I can't see others lives now really before going mad and feeling bad about myself.
Stop right there Miss.
People change... maybe he did not use you... it was just who he was then. Same for XABF. Maybe they are not evil just human (confused humans?). YOU have changed a lot they have the right to do the same... God granted us all that right... to change for the better.... or worse.....
Today we had a really nice meditation in Pilates. Relax and think about a moment -or moments- where you felt truly truly loved. (preferably with people you still trust.. or better.. when you were alone..) Embrace them. See how that looks like. Smell how it smelled then. Feel it. Remember you are UNIQUE and NO ONE would ever ever, be like you.. you are a very special human being. You just need to decide to see the beauty then and the beauty now around you, and the beauty about your future.
And about kids, the 3 babies I have met recently from friends - NONE OF THEM were planned. Many are struggling financially. And marrying someone a few months from meeting them -talk about being desperate- I dunno it doesn't sound healthy or something Dr Phil would approve? how could you ever KNOW a person in such a short time????? I've been with me 28 years and barely know myself lol.
Back to you, Miss. What can you do today for you? Subway? people magazine? expensive box of chocolates? call to a girl friend ? browsing for European models? pics of George clooney? codie no more? list of things you are grateful for? a visit to the church or some time for you to talk with God as you know her?
As it is I am going to a therapist tomorrow to help me let go of my past. I will pass any tips I learn. I know I myself...can't do it. I just can't. Especially when scars keep reopening like the news you received. That is why the less you know about them and the more you know about yourself and people you have a healthy relation with is guaranteed to make you feel better. Create your Alternate universe and have fun its a really really great place Miss... I have seen glimpses of it.. I want to be there more....
Sorry for the ramble. Hugs
PS "the power of now" may also be handy. and breathing exercises. and playing with marvin. anything to get you back to the present and remember it is a good place to be in........ we need not be scared.... actually this is where Peace resides.....
We have walked together these last months - over a year now.
I see you are doing a mistake here. Paying attention to others lives. I can't do that anymore you know. For instance Facebook I used to see pics and go "oh nice". Now I say "wow she is prettier than me, WTF this other seems to have FUN when he is a rat, oh that other got fat, REALLY did THEY marry?????? oh look SHE is much better than him..".
I can't see others lives now really before going mad and feeling bad about myself.
Stop right there Miss.
People change... maybe he did not use you... it was just who he was then. Same for XABF. Maybe they are not evil just human (confused humans?). YOU have changed a lot they have the right to do the same... God granted us all that right... to change for the better.... or worse.....
Today we had a really nice meditation in Pilates. Relax and think about a moment -or moments- where you felt truly truly loved. (preferably with people you still trust.. or better.. when you were alone..) Embrace them. See how that looks like. Smell how it smelled then. Feel it. Remember you are UNIQUE and NO ONE would ever ever, be like you.. you are a very special human being. You just need to decide to see the beauty then and the beauty now around you, and the beauty about your future.
And about kids, the 3 babies I have met recently from friends - NONE OF THEM were planned. Many are struggling financially. And marrying someone a few months from meeting them -talk about being desperate- I dunno it doesn't sound healthy or something Dr Phil would approve? how could you ever KNOW a person in such a short time????? I've been with me 28 years and barely know myself lol.
Back to you, Miss. What can you do today for you? Subway? people magazine? expensive box of chocolates? call to a girl friend ? browsing for European models? pics of George clooney? codie no more? list of things you are grateful for? a visit to the church or some time for you to talk with God as you know her?
As it is I am going to a therapist tomorrow to help me let go of my past. I will pass any tips I learn. I know I myself...can't do it. I just can't. Especially when scars keep reopening like the news you received. That is why the less you know about them and the more you know about yourself and people you have a healthy relation with is guaranteed to make you feel better. Create your Alternate universe and have fun
its a really really great place Miss... I have seen glimpses of it.. I want to be there more....Sorry for the ramble. Hugs
PS "the power of now" may also be handy. and breathing exercises. and playing with marvin. anything to get you back to the present and remember it is a good place to be in........ we need not be scared.... actually this is where Peace resides.....
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
MissFixIt, I can relate to what you're going through. I was married for 10 yrs. Got divorced in 2005. A couple years later, my exh remarried. I remember when I heard about this. I knew he had been seeing some woman he met on chemistry.com. They'd only been dating 8 months!!
The day I found out he remarried, I took off from work and just let myself cry it all out. It was rough.
The latest news I found out is he and his wife just had a baby.
Believe me, when I found out the news about his marriage, I felt like you did. Plus a lot of guilt mixed in there..after my divorce he had wanted to try again, but I did not give him that chance. I had worked too hard to try to get over him, plus he put me through so much pain by divorcing me.
Anyway, not too long after that , I found out from my ex-sister-in-law that my exh had cheated on me. I had had, no idea.
So now I'm glad he's with someone else. Turns out he was not whom I thought he was at all. Plus, my ex-sister-in-law said this woman he's married to is weird, and that the marriage isn't likely to last.
You see, my exh was a liar, a cheater, and someone who abandoned me when I was sick. That woman can HAVE him.
Your exh is obviously not who you thought he was...OR he's changed considerably. And there's nothign you can do abotu the past at this point.
Like the others said, what he does with his life, has no reflection on you. I know you feel sad and wonder what's wrong with you...I did the same thing...this too shall pass.
The day I found out he remarried, I took off from work and just let myself cry it all out. It was rough.
The latest news I found out is he and his wife just had a baby.
Believe me, when I found out the news about his marriage, I felt like you did. Plus a lot of guilt mixed in there..after my divorce he had wanted to try again, but I did not give him that chance. I had worked too hard to try to get over him, plus he put me through so much pain by divorcing me.
Anyway, not too long after that , I found out from my ex-sister-in-law that my exh had cheated on me. I had had, no idea.
So now I'm glad he's with someone else. Turns out he was not whom I thought he was at all. Plus, my ex-sister-in-law said this woman he's married to is weird, and that the marriage isn't likely to last.
You see, my exh was a liar, a cheater, and someone who abandoned me when I was sick. That woman can HAVE him.
Your exh is obviously not who you thought he was...OR he's changed considerably. And there's nothign you can do abotu the past at this point.
Like the others said, what he does with his life, has no reflection on you. I know you feel sad and wonder what's wrong with you...I did the same thing...this too shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi miss fixit-
there isn't anything wrong with you. in fact, i think you're fantastic!
in my experience, not everyone is interested in self-improvement, challenging the status quo, pushing the envelope, doing the hard work of facing life as it is...
many of humanity prefer to distract themselves from this task with other things, other people, or in the case of our A's, with alcohol and drugs.
people like us, who are willing to explore our true purpose in life, to face our emotional damage, to own up to our mistakes are not that common. and, in my experience, it makes many uncomfortable as they prefer to sweep it under the carpet.
so, on they go, distracting themselves from life's bigger issues.
people like us get in the way of their fantasies. we're a drag because we are working with things as they actually are, and many times, that is hard work and not a big party.
the rewards for our difficult work are self knowledge, true empowerment and a renewed reliance on our own inner compass, on our hp, on the Truth.
many aren't interested and we become a thorn in their side. i find sometimes that my mere presence challenges others choices, even if i don't say anything. why? because i'm sitting there drinking water, while they are drinking whiskey. because i'm asking deeper questions and not interested in shallow chitchat. because i'm in therapy and believe in group work. because i'm establishing healthy boundaries and say things like "please don't come to my house with a bottle in your pocket."
none of these actions are judgements of the others, they are merely choices i am making about how i want to live my life.
however, i find that it makes other people uncomfortable. they don't seem used to straight talk. i find many people dodge around issues, never ever really addressing them. there are family secrets everyone pretends didn't happen, dysfunctional interactions that i'm not playing my half of anymore.
in us facing the truth head on, it exposes what is false. and most don't like that.
hang in there and just keep doing the recovery work. one of these days, you will meet someone who appreciates you and your courage and self knowledge. i know i appreciate your honesty and your contribution here.
naive
there isn't anything wrong with you. in fact, i think you're fantastic!
in my experience, not everyone is interested in self-improvement, challenging the status quo, pushing the envelope, doing the hard work of facing life as it is...
many of humanity prefer to distract themselves from this task with other things, other people, or in the case of our A's, with alcohol and drugs.
people like us, who are willing to explore our true purpose in life, to face our emotional damage, to own up to our mistakes are not that common. and, in my experience, it makes many uncomfortable as they prefer to sweep it under the carpet.
so, on they go, distracting themselves from life's bigger issues.
people like us get in the way of their fantasies. we're a drag because we are working with things as they actually are, and many times, that is hard work and not a big party.
the rewards for our difficult work are self knowledge, true empowerment and a renewed reliance on our own inner compass, on our hp, on the Truth.
many aren't interested and we become a thorn in their side. i find sometimes that my mere presence challenges others choices, even if i don't say anything. why? because i'm sitting there drinking water, while they are drinking whiskey. because i'm asking deeper questions and not interested in shallow chitchat. because i'm in therapy and believe in group work. because i'm establishing healthy boundaries and say things like "please don't come to my house with a bottle in your pocket."
none of these actions are judgements of the others, they are merely choices i am making about how i want to live my life.
however, i find that it makes other people uncomfortable. they don't seem used to straight talk. i find many people dodge around issues, never ever really addressing them. there are family secrets everyone pretends didn't happen, dysfunctional interactions that i'm not playing my half of anymore.
in us facing the truth head on, it exposes what is false. and most don't like that.
hang in there and just keep doing the recovery work. one of these days, you will meet someone who appreciates you and your courage and self knowledge. i know i appreciate your honesty and your contribution here.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 24
Maybe not quite the same, but I think I kinda know how you feel. My ex-husband and I split at least partly because I felt like I never measured up (academically or professionally, etc.). He was always on me to succeed or loss weight or something or other. He even told our marriage counselor that he had to "lower his standards" for me. A year after we split, he's engaged to a woman who's less educated, less ambitious and more overweight than I ever was. By all accounts, she seemed "less qualified" to be his wife than I was... and it kinda made me mad. After all the demands he made of me to be this or be that or don't be this or that, and when I'm gone he goes and picks someone who's none of those things. It stung a little at first because I kept thinking "if she's good enough, how come I never was?" But then I remembered that *I* left him and so who was I to even care? And Miss, you left him, right? And as other posters have said... maybe it was an unplanned pregnancy or maybe he changed his mind. Who knows? Point is that, ultimately for you, it doesn't really matter, right?
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