Teenie

She had called a little over week ago, wondering where he was and said she didn't know where he was or how to get ahold of him and hadn't talked to him in a while.

Than she called me about 5 minutes ago, wondering where he was and said she still hadn't talked to him since sometime last week and had no idea where he was at. And agrees that he needs to go to a group home is probably going manic and needs help for his addiction. But as usual, he's being stubborn and has his own thoughts about what he considers "best for him".

I'm still finding it hard not talking to him. I miss him immensesly and just wish he would call. But I know i cannot wish things into reality such as his getting sober.

I'm still feeling slightly guilty for having taken him off my phone plan because now i haven't heard from him more than 1 day in the past 8 days or so.

ladyamalthea

It's normal to miss someone you used to spend so much time with, and it's easy to fall into that trap of feeling guilty. But the thing is, he has made his choices.

Try to put things back into perspective, though... you're feeling guilty for not allowing him to run up your phone bill? He's a big boy. If he wants a phone, he'll have one, whether you pay for it or not. Remember, addicts are much more resourceful than we give them credit for. You did what you needed to do to remove yourself from a destructive situation. Don't get sucked back in to his misery.

Last night I learned just how soothing going to meetings can be. Have you tried one yet? It's so nice to be face to face with others who know what you're going through, even if it's only for an hour.

Teenie

it IS my day off. i just need to find a meeting to go to. If i can gain the courage to go even. I'm really socially shy and awkward. So that seems to get in the way a lot of the time.

BBD

Teenie, You have no reason to fret going to a meeting. The first time we went my hubby and I sat in the parking lot to see what type of people appeared. Low and behold~~they looked just like us and welcomed us right away. Really hon~~they take over. What about getting his mom to go with you??

ladyamalthea

Going to a meeting does not mean that you have to speak in front of the group. You can just go and listen to everyone else if you want to and hear their focus of the week.

If I can do it, you can :ghug3

google al-anon in your state and do the same with nar-anon. It's pretty much the same program.

tam

Teenie, I know you miss him. It isnt easy for us. I feel your pain. I still have sad moments and miss my husband very,very much. but honestly I dont miss his behavior and what he became.everytime you think of how you miss him remind yourself or write down what you really miss, is it what he has become? I doubt it teenie, or do you miss what you used to have with him or wish you can have again with him? he cant be that person until HE wants to be. and we dont know if that will ever happen. in the meantime your life will come to a stand still yet he is out and about. its your time to take care of yourself teenie and by going to a meeting you can start your own recovery. It took me time to get the strength and go to a meeting and it was such a great feeling afterwards, alot of guilt, anger, etc. was lifted off my shoulders as I was able to relate to so many things mentally. (I listened and things that were said really touched home with me)
Please find a meeting, you dont have to talk if you dont want to. no one is there to judge you or ask you anything, everyone is there to comfort you and you will find comfort

Teenie

Thanks. What i really DO miss, is what things were in the beginning before things got out of hand. I've wanted for so long, to experience a sober relationship w/ him as it's never been that way, but when he HAS been sober around me, i see how great he CAN be and it kills me. It gets my hopes up and than i experience him high, and my world comes crashing down again.

I did do something fun for ME last night though. I went out salsa dancing on a whim w/ my coworker after work (even though i had no idea what i was doing in the least) and my coworkers dance partner, who taught her to salsa, taught me some basics. And than tonight i might be going out somewhere again.

Teenie

I know, i just have this HUGE fear of never seeing someone again. And that goes w/ anyone I've met. ESPECIALLY someone i've had such an immense attachment too. I don't know where it stems from. But it definately affects me.

ladyamalthea

I understand that feeling completely. It's hard to not run after someone we care so much about, especially when we really just want to see them get better. It's like a part of us thinks that, if we just hang on long enough, they will eventually fit our needs again.

Look at it this way; try taking it in baby steps. Don't worry about whether or not you will ever see him again. Right now, is that really the important thing? For all you know, if you just let go and learn to detach from him, somewhere down the line you may end up growing back together. But the way things are now, that will never happen, because neither one of you will have enough time without the other to think clearly. And, based on what you're telling us, he has ALOT of work to do before he can fairly even attempt some semblance of stability with anyone.

If you just take it in baby steps... one day at a time, or less if you have to... I think you'll find that, in general, being separated from him is not so scary when you're not thinking about the big picture. And why try to figure out the big picture when you honestly have no idea what he's up to anyways? Keep focusing on you. I promise it'll get easier.

Teenie

Things are getting a little bit easier day by day. But i still have a ways to go myself. Tonight i'm finding some time for myself to go out w/ friends i haven't seen in a long time to kind of destress.

wicked

Wow, Teenie, do i ever feel ya there!
For me it is the fear of abandonmnet, stemming from an alcoholic father who was either not present physically (Army stuff) or present emotionally cause he was drunk.
No way to win with him.
Trying to stay away from unavailable men.
Need to get my radar tuned up again.

Beth