My looong story....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB, Canada
Posts: 14
My looong story....
My Story…
I’m currently 23, and my dad drinking been a huge part of my life, for most of it. I don’t remember much of the booze before I was 8, just the anger. He was physically abusive towards my mother, and a lot of my memories are broken furniture, toys and holes in the wall.
After one particularly “active” night, he came to my room and apologized for his actions. At 8 years old I had to comfort my crying, ashamed father who reeked of beer. I made him promise that he had to stop….and extremely surprisingly, he did. He has not hit my mother, deliberately broken furniture etc since then. Unfortunately, as we are almost all aware, it doesn’t end there.
My father continued his drinking, and my next exposure to something that may or may not be influenced by the beer happened when I was 11. A little bit of back story for you. My parents have been together for 30 years, since my mother was 14, and my father was 18. I love my mom dearly, and she truly is my best friend. I’m very protective of my mother, and my younger brother, but my mom especially. My mother has been a stay at home mom since I was 2. Eventually, to compensate for my fathers drinking, my mother would take up under the table jobs. My father specified to her that he did not want her working if it were to affect his income tax returns. So my mom would run a dayhome during the day, and then clean empty rental units at night. All the while making sure her home was clean, her family was fed etc.
At the age of 11, my brother and I were in school full time, but my mom still babysat and did her cleaning. One day, a delivery came by mail…all the way from Australia. Granted it was just a pirated copy of Windows, but coming all the way from Australia, and with a note signed “XXX Janet” made my mother curious. Through her research and interrogation, she found that my father was having an “online affair” with a woman in Australia. He would speak to her on the dial up internet (which my mother didn’t know we had) on the phone at work etc. These weren’t just “friendly” conversations, more often than not, they were sexual. Of course, my father played it that it was nothing, the typical things the cheaters say. Recently, however, it was revealed by my father to a family friend, that he had planned on leaving my mother for this woman.
Up to this point, with the combination of these events and adolescence, I was a Daddy’s Girl. I held him on a pedestal. This event in particular completely knocked him off of it. It’s always been that the best way to get in my bad books it to hurt my mother, and boy he did. I wrote a mean spirited, but eloquent email to this woman, and CC’d my father a copy. He was angry, but I never heard anything from him. Of course, my parents stayed together.
He continued to “play” on the internet, with less drama I suppose, until it was revealed when I was 15, that one of his “play” partners was an old girlfriend of his who lived in a different province. Again, at this point, I sent a similar email to her, and CC’d him. Her response was shockingly rude and unfeeling. She also emailed my mother (who was in the process of moving her own mother who had had a nervous breakdown) and told her my father wouldn’t be seeking things if my mother had kept him “satisfied”. My mother of course shared this with my father, and quite firmly informed him that he better keep this woman from contacting my mom.
His “play” on the internet still continued. His drinking habits remained the same (roughly a six pack every night). He would start drinking when we would go to bed, and continue it until roughly 4 am. He spent this time chatting up women online in a very sexual manner, often passing out in the midst of “playing” exposing himself to whoever would walk by. The computer was in an open area, and unfortunately I’ve been exposed to this sight more than enough.
When I was 17, right after I graduated, I moved in with a long term boyfriend. I wanted to be an adult, but also wanted to escape some of the madness at home. My bf at the time, had a liver defiency, and was unable to drink, or so he had informed me. We lived together for roughly 3 years. He starting drinking and hiding it from me…then started staying out all night drinking. That was the last straw. I left, and moved back home.
My father’s antics continued. I ended up getting involved with a guy who claimed he was in recovery from alcoholism. I leapt onto a non-drinker…or so I thought. In reality, his recovery from alcoholism was actually a front for a recovery from Crack. The recovery period lasted maybe 5 months, and I got wrapped up into a nasty, crazy co-dependent world with my addict. Luckily after a year and a half, I found the strength to get out, and despite the hell I lived through, it has made me a more self-aware and stronger person.
About 6 months after leaving my addict, I managed to find a deal on an apartment, and finally moved out, all alone. This is actually a blessing. I’ve had a roommate before, and with the drama that’s occurred in my life, it’s amazing to have my own space.
I love my dad, but I don’t respect him. We also barely have a fake relationship. We don’t talk about things that are important or serious. In fact, recently I sent him an email saying I was deeply concerned for his health, and requested he see a doctor. He shows symptoms of liver disease, as well he seriously lacks anything resembling a personality. My email was not responded to, nor was anything ever acknowledged in person. We don’t have a horrible relationship…we just don’t really have one.
My younger brother still lives at home (He’s 17). And he and my father don’t get along at all. My father has never been one to praise us, but he simply doesn’t talk to my brother unless it’s to complain/reprimand etc. My brother has a typical teenage attitude problem, but tends to treat my mother like my father does.
My mother stopped working when I was 14. She said she no longer wanted to support my fathers drinking with her hard earned money. At that point, my father made $80, 000/yr and still had trouble making the bills. She still was extremely domestic, that house is incredibly clean, and she’s an amazing cook. But her resentments began to grow. My father began treating my mother as a maid/bedwarmer. There was little love between the two of them. My father rarely speaks to my mother with any kindness, mostly it’s to bitch and moan about one thing or the other she’s done, or to call her down in general. My mother has very little self esteem anymore.
Just this past weekend, my drunken father yet again forgot to cover his tracks. My mother caught his sending nude pictures of himself to some internet fling. She considers this the last straw, and told my father, with little hope, that if he wanted her to stay, he had to get help. For 2 nights my father fought the withdrawals, but last night he gave in. My mom says her mind is made up, but wants to sit and “discuss” it with my father in order to avoid a fight…I don’t see this turning out well, but I’m also scared that my mother won’t live up to her promise. She’s threatened similar things before, more along the lines of my dad having to make the choice…and he’s never distinctly made a decision. A big problem for my mother is the fact that she doesn’t have a job, and had been out of the legitimate workforce for so long that she’s extremely limited. So, she wants to leave on amicable terms so my father will help her financially.
I’m torn right now…I’ve been invited to dinner at home tonite, and I want to go…but I don’t know if I can keep my anger towards my father contained, or if I can tolerate the tension. I want my mother to follow through with her actions so she can escape her own hell, but I have little hope that she will. She’s my mom, and I wish I could help her financially, but I can’t…I also know that because of my history being codependent, I can’t get too wrapped up in helping her. I love my mom to bits, and want to help her be happy again…And I’m also wondering if I should exit my comfort zone, and tell my father to his face that he better accept it, because my mom is serious this time.
I’m sorry I’m so long winded (cramping now haha)…I just like to get the story out, back story usually helps in these situations.
I’m currently 23, and my dad drinking been a huge part of my life, for most of it. I don’t remember much of the booze before I was 8, just the anger. He was physically abusive towards my mother, and a lot of my memories are broken furniture, toys and holes in the wall.
After one particularly “active” night, he came to my room and apologized for his actions. At 8 years old I had to comfort my crying, ashamed father who reeked of beer. I made him promise that he had to stop….and extremely surprisingly, he did. He has not hit my mother, deliberately broken furniture etc since then. Unfortunately, as we are almost all aware, it doesn’t end there.
My father continued his drinking, and my next exposure to something that may or may not be influenced by the beer happened when I was 11. A little bit of back story for you. My parents have been together for 30 years, since my mother was 14, and my father was 18. I love my mom dearly, and she truly is my best friend. I’m very protective of my mother, and my younger brother, but my mom especially. My mother has been a stay at home mom since I was 2. Eventually, to compensate for my fathers drinking, my mother would take up under the table jobs. My father specified to her that he did not want her working if it were to affect his income tax returns. So my mom would run a dayhome during the day, and then clean empty rental units at night. All the while making sure her home was clean, her family was fed etc.
At the age of 11, my brother and I were in school full time, but my mom still babysat and did her cleaning. One day, a delivery came by mail…all the way from Australia. Granted it was just a pirated copy of Windows, but coming all the way from Australia, and with a note signed “XXX Janet” made my mother curious. Through her research and interrogation, she found that my father was having an “online affair” with a woman in Australia. He would speak to her on the dial up internet (which my mother didn’t know we had) on the phone at work etc. These weren’t just “friendly” conversations, more often than not, they were sexual. Of course, my father played it that it was nothing, the typical things the cheaters say. Recently, however, it was revealed by my father to a family friend, that he had planned on leaving my mother for this woman.
Up to this point, with the combination of these events and adolescence, I was a Daddy’s Girl. I held him on a pedestal. This event in particular completely knocked him off of it. It’s always been that the best way to get in my bad books it to hurt my mother, and boy he did. I wrote a mean spirited, but eloquent email to this woman, and CC’d my father a copy. He was angry, but I never heard anything from him. Of course, my parents stayed together.
He continued to “play” on the internet, with less drama I suppose, until it was revealed when I was 15, that one of his “play” partners was an old girlfriend of his who lived in a different province. Again, at this point, I sent a similar email to her, and CC’d him. Her response was shockingly rude and unfeeling. She also emailed my mother (who was in the process of moving her own mother who had had a nervous breakdown) and told her my father wouldn’t be seeking things if my mother had kept him “satisfied”. My mother of course shared this with my father, and quite firmly informed him that he better keep this woman from contacting my mom.
His “play” on the internet still continued. His drinking habits remained the same (roughly a six pack every night). He would start drinking when we would go to bed, and continue it until roughly 4 am. He spent this time chatting up women online in a very sexual manner, often passing out in the midst of “playing” exposing himself to whoever would walk by. The computer was in an open area, and unfortunately I’ve been exposed to this sight more than enough.
When I was 17, right after I graduated, I moved in with a long term boyfriend. I wanted to be an adult, but also wanted to escape some of the madness at home. My bf at the time, had a liver defiency, and was unable to drink, or so he had informed me. We lived together for roughly 3 years. He starting drinking and hiding it from me…then started staying out all night drinking. That was the last straw. I left, and moved back home.
My father’s antics continued. I ended up getting involved with a guy who claimed he was in recovery from alcoholism. I leapt onto a non-drinker…or so I thought. In reality, his recovery from alcoholism was actually a front for a recovery from Crack. The recovery period lasted maybe 5 months, and I got wrapped up into a nasty, crazy co-dependent world with my addict. Luckily after a year and a half, I found the strength to get out, and despite the hell I lived through, it has made me a more self-aware and stronger person.
About 6 months after leaving my addict, I managed to find a deal on an apartment, and finally moved out, all alone. This is actually a blessing. I’ve had a roommate before, and with the drama that’s occurred in my life, it’s amazing to have my own space.
I love my dad, but I don’t respect him. We also barely have a fake relationship. We don’t talk about things that are important or serious. In fact, recently I sent him an email saying I was deeply concerned for his health, and requested he see a doctor. He shows symptoms of liver disease, as well he seriously lacks anything resembling a personality. My email was not responded to, nor was anything ever acknowledged in person. We don’t have a horrible relationship…we just don’t really have one.
My younger brother still lives at home (He’s 17). And he and my father don’t get along at all. My father has never been one to praise us, but he simply doesn’t talk to my brother unless it’s to complain/reprimand etc. My brother has a typical teenage attitude problem, but tends to treat my mother like my father does.
My mother stopped working when I was 14. She said she no longer wanted to support my fathers drinking with her hard earned money. At that point, my father made $80, 000/yr and still had trouble making the bills. She still was extremely domestic, that house is incredibly clean, and she’s an amazing cook. But her resentments began to grow. My father began treating my mother as a maid/bedwarmer. There was little love between the two of them. My father rarely speaks to my mother with any kindness, mostly it’s to bitch and moan about one thing or the other she’s done, or to call her down in general. My mother has very little self esteem anymore.
Just this past weekend, my drunken father yet again forgot to cover his tracks. My mother caught his sending nude pictures of himself to some internet fling. She considers this the last straw, and told my father, with little hope, that if he wanted her to stay, he had to get help. For 2 nights my father fought the withdrawals, but last night he gave in. My mom says her mind is made up, but wants to sit and “discuss” it with my father in order to avoid a fight…I don’t see this turning out well, but I’m also scared that my mother won’t live up to her promise. She’s threatened similar things before, more along the lines of my dad having to make the choice…and he’s never distinctly made a decision. A big problem for my mother is the fact that she doesn’t have a job, and had been out of the legitimate workforce for so long that she’s extremely limited. So, she wants to leave on amicable terms so my father will help her financially.
I’m torn right now…I’ve been invited to dinner at home tonite, and I want to go…but I don’t know if I can keep my anger towards my father contained, or if I can tolerate the tension. I want my mother to follow through with her actions so she can escape her own hell, but I have little hope that she will. She’s my mom, and I wish I could help her financially, but I can’t…I also know that because of my history being codependent, I can’t get too wrapped up in helping her. I love my mom to bits, and want to help her be happy again…And I’m also wondering if I should exit my comfort zone, and tell my father to his face that he better accept it, because my mom is serious this time.
I’m sorry I’m so long winded (cramping now haha)…I just like to get the story out, back story usually helps in these situations.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, SenoritaC. Hugs. Congratulations on getting through your own relationships and seeing the cycle for what it was.
Nearly all of my posts here have been centered on my struggles recovering from life with my STBXAH, but my mom is dealing with her own issues with her ABF. Her story is not mine to tell and it does not follow the same trend as your mom's, but it is so hard to watch the decisions she makes about her ABF and their life together. (She's getting ready to go back to him after leaving him last year.)
IMO, I'm afraid that even if you do tell your dad to accept it, if your mom isn't willing to enforce it, it's not likely to change anything.
I know it's hard to hear, because I hate hearing it when others tell me the following about my mom: only your mom can decide when she's had enough and only she can follow through on the actions she'd set.
All I can really do is set my own boundaries: If mom's ABF starts drinking during my visit, I will leave. If he has been drinking before I get there, I will invite Mom out, but regardless of whether she accepts or not, I will not stay.
I love her and I will try to help when she asks for it.
i just realized it's rather late in the day now. How did dinner go, if you went?
Nearly all of my posts here have been centered on my struggles recovering from life with my STBXAH, but my mom is dealing with her own issues with her ABF. Her story is not mine to tell and it does not follow the same trend as your mom's, but it is so hard to watch the decisions she makes about her ABF and their life together. (She's getting ready to go back to him after leaving him last year.)
IMO, I'm afraid that even if you do tell your dad to accept it, if your mom isn't willing to enforce it, it's not likely to change anything.
I know it's hard to hear, because I hate hearing it when others tell me the following about my mom: only your mom can decide when she's had enough and only she can follow through on the actions she'd set.
All I can really do is set my own boundaries: If mom's ABF starts drinking during my visit, I will leave. If he has been drinking before I get there, I will invite Mom out, but regardless of whether she accepts or not, I will not stay.
I love her and I will try to help when she asks for it.
i just realized it's rather late in the day now. How did dinner go, if you went?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome!
You have described the typical alcoholic/codependent dance! It goes on and on and on until one partner finally steps off the dance floor. Your mother and your father each have to reach their own personal bottom before they will take steps to turn their life around.
It must be very painful to watch your parents continue this cycle.
Have you tried attending Alanon meetings for support for yourself? Alanon meetings and literature can help you with detaching with love from their situation as well as working on healthy choices for your future.
You have described the typical alcoholic/codependent dance! It goes on and on and on until one partner finally steps off the dance floor. Your mother and your father each have to reach their own personal bottom before they will take steps to turn their life around.
It must be very painful to watch your parents continue this cycle.
Have you tried attending Alanon meetings for support for yourself? Alanon meetings and literature can help you with detaching with love from their situation as well as working on healthy choices for your future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB, Canada
Posts: 14
Thanks so much for the responses, I know I can be incredibly long winded, so it may be a bit of a pain.
Last night's dinner was good. Oddly, no tension..my Dad was actually personable, and made his minor attempts to praise me. He has his nose shoved up my moms bum trying to make things better...
My mom and I had a good talk while my dad went to get my brother. Some of the things she said were typical and not unexpected. She thinks the hardest part is that my dad's not a complete strung out drunk. He has a good paying job, he generally pays the bills, theres always lots of food in the house, and sometimes he shows he has a heart. We talked about how it was funny when I was with my addict, and she was like RUUUUUUN!! etc...and how she stays for over 30 years with hers. I told her it was no good to make idle threats, and dad was going to call her bluff yet again...
And I was right. Last night was another night of drinking, another night to bed at 4 AM, and probably another night perving it up online.
Because my mom and I are so close, she probably tells me more than she should tell a daughter, luckily I've learned to deal with this early on. But it's really frustrating and kind of heart breaking at this point to realize she's not going anywhere...at least not for awhile. I mean, if she was really going to leave my Dad, she'd probably be going through the motions. Right now it's all talk....
I have my own personal boundaries, at least with my dad. My experience with my being codependent has told me that it has not as much to do with the being stuck on an addict, but more so an obcessive "helping" process that overshadows all. When my aunt (mother of my goddaughter) was leaving her husband, I started going down that same path...spending my valuable time searching for her apartments, looking up welfare policies, buying her groceries. I realized quickly enough that my aunt was just another addict, except she was addicted to LAZY, and would never fend for herself, and me helping her would change nothing. I fear that I may have to come up with personal boundaries with my mom and her relationship...and I really dont want to do that. At this point it's not doing much, just taking up some headspace....but I don't think that's all that unusual for a kid who's parents are going thru crap. I'm scared that I'm going to have to tell my mom not to talk about my dad, and that I don't want to hear about it until she DOES something about it. I know that's what I should be saying....but I figure she needs to vent?? I dunno...
Sorry for more rambling.
Last night's dinner was good. Oddly, no tension..my Dad was actually personable, and made his minor attempts to praise me. He has his nose shoved up my moms bum trying to make things better...
My mom and I had a good talk while my dad went to get my brother. Some of the things she said were typical and not unexpected. She thinks the hardest part is that my dad's not a complete strung out drunk. He has a good paying job, he generally pays the bills, theres always lots of food in the house, and sometimes he shows he has a heart. We talked about how it was funny when I was with my addict, and she was like RUUUUUUN!! etc...and how she stays for over 30 years with hers. I told her it was no good to make idle threats, and dad was going to call her bluff yet again...
And I was right. Last night was another night of drinking, another night to bed at 4 AM, and probably another night perving it up online.
Because my mom and I are so close, she probably tells me more than she should tell a daughter, luckily I've learned to deal with this early on. But it's really frustrating and kind of heart breaking at this point to realize she's not going anywhere...at least not for awhile. I mean, if she was really going to leave my Dad, she'd probably be going through the motions. Right now it's all talk....
I have my own personal boundaries, at least with my dad. My experience with my being codependent has told me that it has not as much to do with the being stuck on an addict, but more so an obcessive "helping" process that overshadows all. When my aunt (mother of my goddaughter) was leaving her husband, I started going down that same path...spending my valuable time searching for her apartments, looking up welfare policies, buying her groceries. I realized quickly enough that my aunt was just another addict, except she was addicted to LAZY, and would never fend for herself, and me helping her would change nothing. I fear that I may have to come up with personal boundaries with my mom and her relationship...and I really dont want to do that. At this point it's not doing much, just taking up some headspace....but I don't think that's all that unusual for a kid who's parents are going thru crap. I'm scared that I'm going to have to tell my mom not to talk about my dad, and that I don't want to hear about it until she DOES something about it. I know that's what I should be saying....but I figure she needs to vent?? I dunno...
Sorry for more rambling.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi SenoritaC...Welcome to SR! This is a great place to be.
Regarding your long-windedness...don't worry. I've written some loooooong posts here, or have posted repeatedly in the same day while in the midst of panic. It's ok. That's what SR is here for!
As for your mother...well, just as you cannot control your father's drinking, you cannot control your mother's codie habits. You can however point her in the direction of Al-Anon, be clear and honest about your boundaries regarding her and your father, and then focus on yourself. Your mother may well need to vent, but Al-Anon or a therapist is more qualified to help her help herself.
I'm so glad you're living by yourself, away from the House of Madness. Have you considered counselling for yourself?
Regarding your long-windedness...don't worry. I've written some loooooong posts here, or have posted repeatedly in the same day while in the midst of panic. It's ok. That's what SR is here for!
As for your mother...well, just as you cannot control your father's drinking, you cannot control your mother's codie habits. You can however point her in the direction of Al-Anon, be clear and honest about your boundaries regarding her and your father, and then focus on yourself. Your mother may well need to vent, but Al-Anon or a therapist is more qualified to help her help herself.
I'm so glad you're living by yourself, away from the House of Madness. Have you considered counselling for yourself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB, Canada
Posts: 14
Al-anon, or a therapist especially would be great for my mother. However, my Dad is a VERY controlling individual. My mother has no money, no access to money. No vehicle, no access to a vehicle, and they live in extreme suburbia, where bus runs are extremely limited. And while my dad's extensive medical benefits would cover a therapist, he would not permit my mother to see one. I'd love to pick my mom up and take her to a meeting, but she'd probably find some excuse not to go, or my dad would "not allow it". It's hard enough getting my mom out of the house to see a movie...
I did use to see a counselor, which i completely enjoyed. This was ages ago when I was with my addict. It was truly an enlightening experience. However, once I left that job, I lost the counselor, as she was a benefit. My current position only provides bare miminums for medical benefits, and since I was super involved with a crack addict, I'm really not in a financial position to fund myself heh.
I'm so glad I live by myself as well. Not just for getting out of the crazy house, but for all the other benefits...ahhh sloth...
I did use to see a counselor, which i completely enjoyed. This was ages ago when I was with my addict. It was truly an enlightening experience. However, once I left that job, I lost the counselor, as she was a benefit. My current position only provides bare miminums for medical benefits, and since I was super involved with a crack addict, I'm really not in a financial position to fund myself heh.
I'm so glad I live by myself as well. Not just for getting out of the crazy house, but for all the other benefits...ahhh sloth...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
ugh control...well, it seems like it's another case of let go and let god. Just as with an addict, you cannot force someone in an abusive relationship to jump ship. They'll do so when they're ready. You can provide the information and then, step back. It's SO hard because you're dealing with your own mother, but then, it's a codie disaster waiting to happen if you try to "help" her help herself.
I get you on the lack of funding...I just finished paying off all the debts I incurred while living with XAH, and I was only able to do it because I ran away from him to live with my parents. I'm fully conscious of the fact that I'd be stuck with those debts were it not for my parents' generosity.
Perhaps there are some community ressources you could avail yourself of? When I lived in Ontario, I consulted a nurse practitioner at a local hospital who was trained in counselling. She was AWESOME. Way better than some of the shrinks I saw in the past who always wanted to talk about my supposed hatred of my mother and desire for my father. *geez* And when I was preggo with DD, I saw a social worker regularly and it really helped keep me afloat. Those resources were free and government funded...perhaps look into something like that until you can afford a therapist?
I get you on the lack of funding...I just finished paying off all the debts I incurred while living with XAH, and I was only able to do it because I ran away from him to live with my parents. I'm fully conscious of the fact that I'd be stuck with those debts were it not for my parents' generosity.
Perhaps there are some community ressources you could avail yourself of? When I lived in Ontario, I consulted a nurse practitioner at a local hospital who was trained in counselling. She was AWESOME. Way better than some of the shrinks I saw in the past who always wanted to talk about my supposed hatred of my mother and desire for my father. *geez* And when I was preggo with DD, I saw a social worker regularly and it really helped keep me afloat. Those resources were free and government funded...perhaps look into something like that until you can afford a therapist?
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