Still triggered
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Still triggered
Just when I think it is all going to work out, I get a dose of reality. I guess maybe I have not entirely let go of the fantasy that somehow, someway, my xah can just be a father to his kids as a separate thing from him and I.
So he dropped the kids off from a family reunion he took them too. He didn't say one word to me, which is fine, then he gets home and sends a couple emails with the same same old same old. I don't know why they still have an affect on me. I still want to 'defend' myself. Oh well, I got over it. I'm no longer *confused* by it. It just knocks the wind out of me for a little while.
I spent some mindless time wandering the internet since I couldn't sleep. I think part of the reason why it hit me so hard is that I was reading old threads and already beating myself up for putting my kids through the last couple years of my staying in the situation and what I had become and allowed them to witness. I liked this poem. It was a reminder for me and thought I would share.
So he dropped the kids off from a family reunion he took them too. He didn't say one word to me, which is fine, then he gets home and sends a couple emails with the same same old same old. I don't know why they still have an affect on me. I still want to 'defend' myself. Oh well, I got over it. I'm no longer *confused* by it. It just knocks the wind out of me for a little while.
I spent some mindless time wandering the internet since I couldn't sleep. I think part of the reason why it hit me so hard is that I was reading old threads and already beating myself up for putting my kids through the last couple years of my staying in the situation and what I had become and allowed them to witness. I liked this poem. It was a reminder for me and thought I would share.
Start Where You Stand
Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.
The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.
Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.
Berton Braley
Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.
The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.
Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.
Berton Braley
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I too still get triggered whenever XH has any contact with me. My heart races, I freak out internally, my breathing accelerates, etc. I hate it. But there it is.
I do however manage to calm down a lot faster now, and I'm able to reason with myself about how silly all his noise really is.
Seems like you're at the same place.
I do however manage to calm down a lot faster now, and I'm able to reason with myself about how silly all his noise really is.
Seems like you're at the same place.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I realized that any contact with my XA triggers me too. Does not bring me back to a very good place.
I too had a hard time letting go of the fantasy....even with everything I know. And now i've done everything I can to completely separate myself from any contact with him... even removing mutual friends on FB, who I am actually friends with. It's still an unneccessary connection.
I think it's completely normal. The good thing is that you bounce back more quickly! And that's the process..... it takes less and less time to "snap out of it"....until it takes no time at all.
Love the poem! You're awesome! Keep on goin'!
I too had a hard time letting go of the fantasy....even with everything I know. And now i've done everything I can to completely separate myself from any contact with him... even removing mutual friends on FB, who I am actually friends with. It's still an unneccessary connection.
I think it's completely normal. The good thing is that you bounce back more quickly! And that's the process..... it takes less and less time to "snap out of it"....until it takes no time at all.
Love the poem! You're awesome! Keep on goin'!
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