Family member advice around my son
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lodi, Ca
Posts: 3
Family member advice around my son
First Let me start by saying I was an addict for many years, taking all drugs I could. Wife was also an addict however we were both clean prior to getting married.
We have an older son 24 who likes to get high. It is not that he is a bad kid, on the contrary he is great and has a great heart.
My rule is no getting high and coming over to the house or visiting his brother age 2. If you got high that day dont come over!!!! I think my younger son deservs a better example than that.
My wife says my 2 year old probabley will not remember and would like our older son (my step son) to be in his younger brothers life; so would I, just not if he has gotten high that day. She and her mother do not think it is particularly that big of a deal.
My older son argues with wife and guilt trips her about the way he was raised when she was an addict and always being around addicts etc.. Again she has since cleaned up, but about 6 or 7 years years after her being clean he starts using. It has turned into one of the few things we argue about. I am not willing to give in about the being high issue, but when he is sober he is more than welcome.
Am I wrong? or am I right and this is just something I have to deal with
until my older son gets sober
Thanks for your Advise it is appreciated.
We have an older son 24 who likes to get high. It is not that he is a bad kid, on the contrary he is great and has a great heart.
My rule is no getting high and coming over to the house or visiting his brother age 2. If you got high that day dont come over!!!! I think my younger son deservs a better example than that.
My wife says my 2 year old probabley will not remember and would like our older son (my step son) to be in his younger brothers life; so would I, just not if he has gotten high that day. She and her mother do not think it is particularly that big of a deal.
My older son argues with wife and guilt trips her about the way he was raised when she was an addict and always being around addicts etc.. Again she has since cleaned up, but about 6 or 7 years years after her being clean he starts using. It has turned into one of the few things we argue about. I am not willing to give in about the being high issue, but when he is sober he is more than welcome.
Am I wrong? or am I right and this is just something I have to deal with
until my older son gets soberThanks for your Advise it is appreciated.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Welcome to SR! 
I'm sure others will come along later with lots of great advice, but I wanted to let you know we're glad you're here, and we hope you'll stick around and explore a little, as there's lots of great info here.
Honestly, the first thing that stuck out to me was the fact that you say your oldest son is putting your wife through guilt trips. Are you sure he's not an addict? Cause that sounds like addict talk to me.
The second thing that stuck out to me is that you say your wife doesn't think your son using drugs is a big deal. Could it be that she is in denial? I mean, if she is a recovering addict herself, I would think that any drug use of anyone in her family would be a big deal to her if she was thinking clearly.
What would your wife do if you asked her to go to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting with you? Would you be willing to take her if she saw that she needed it?
And I'm no psychologist, but I do know from working in several daycares while putting myself through school that a two-year-old remembers much more than most people give them credit for. I have all kinds of fun memories from my group of two-year-olds who, during playtime, would play house and mimick their parents without realizing it. I also vividly remember them learning their colors, eagerly learning their ABC's, and knowing enough about cleaning up their toys to know that when we sang the clean up song that everything had a relatively specific place it went in the room. Sorry, to say that kids don't remember what goes on around them is nonsense. He may be young enough that he can be retrained to not mimick certain behaviors, but to outright say he wouldn't absorb them on any level is just wrong, IMHO.
I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I hope you'll keep coming back and keep posting. Coming here has really helped me to keep my sanity.
I'm sure others will come along later with lots of great advice, but I wanted to let you know we're glad you're here, and we hope you'll stick around and explore a little, as there's lots of great info here.
Honestly, the first thing that stuck out to me was the fact that you say your oldest son is putting your wife through guilt trips. Are you sure he's not an addict? Cause that sounds like addict talk to me.
The second thing that stuck out to me is that you say your wife doesn't think your son using drugs is a big deal. Could it be that she is in denial? I mean, if she is a recovering addict herself, I would think that any drug use of anyone in her family would be a big deal to her if she was thinking clearly.
What would your wife do if you asked her to go to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting with you? Would you be willing to take her if she saw that she needed it?
And I'm no psychologist, but I do know from working in several daycares while putting myself through school that a two-year-old remembers much more than most people give them credit for. I have all kinds of fun memories from my group of two-year-olds who, during playtime, would play house and mimick their parents without realizing it. I also vividly remember them learning their colors, eagerly learning their ABC's, and knowing enough about cleaning up their toys to know that when we sang the clean up song that everything had a relatively specific place it went in the room. Sorry, to say that kids don't remember what goes on around them is nonsense. He may be young enough that he can be retrained to not mimick certain behaviors, but to outright say he wouldn't absorb them on any level is just wrong, IMHO.
I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I hope you'll keep coming back and keep posting. Coming here has really helped me to keep my sanity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lodi, Ca
Posts: 3
Thanks
ladyamalthea,
Thank you for your reply, it is funny (not in the laughing way) that when we are/or feel like we are the only one with a certain point of view that we begin to question ourselves. This forum is a great find and I can see how it would be beneficial to all that are willing to honestly use it.
You are spot on about him being an addict, he has been for several years in my opinion, and my wife has a lot of guilt about the way he was raised, as that was when he was using 24/7 but has been clean for over 10 years now. I think that he only uses weed now, but in the past was using more serious stuff (this is just my opinion). But also in my opinion if you are drunk or high, or just look high, I really don’t want that person around my 2 year old son. I think that he is very impressionable. You are right about them acting like the people they see etc… thanks for validating my opinion.
To explain the situation further one weekend in the not to distant past, he came over looking extremely high (I have asked in the past not to come over if you have been smoking that day) and told his mother he had not smoked in hours and these very red eyes were from swimming. I had nothing to say nice so kept my mouth shut, however when I am not happy everyone knows it. My wife said something to me and I informed her I had nothing nice to say at this time. Then my mothering law got really upset and wanted to leave taking our older son (the addict) with her.
I tried to talk with him at that time and explain that I need his help with my 2 year old and want him to be around but need it to be sober time and for him to be an example, as his brother deserves that. However he has not talked to me since saying I treated him like a little B#@%^. He has talked to his mother since but just complains about the way I treated him (I actually thought I talked to him nice) and when she tries to explain it does not have to be this way he tosses that was how I was raised back at her.
Anyway thanks for your reply of assurance it was defiantly needed
RAS1969
Thank you for your reply, it is funny (not in the laughing way) that when we are/or feel like we are the only one with a certain point of view that we begin to question ourselves. This forum is a great find and I can see how it would be beneficial to all that are willing to honestly use it.
You are spot on about him being an addict, he has been for several years in my opinion, and my wife has a lot of guilt about the way he was raised, as that was when he was using 24/7 but has been clean for over 10 years now. I think that he only uses weed now, but in the past was using more serious stuff (this is just my opinion). But also in my opinion if you are drunk or high, or just look high, I really don’t want that person around my 2 year old son. I think that he is very impressionable. You are right about them acting like the people they see etc… thanks for validating my opinion.
To explain the situation further one weekend in the not to distant past, he came over looking extremely high (I have asked in the past not to come over if you have been smoking that day) and told his mother he had not smoked in hours and these very red eyes were from swimming. I had nothing to say nice so kept my mouth shut, however when I am not happy everyone knows it. My wife said something to me and I informed her I had nothing nice to say at this time. Then my mothering law got really upset and wanted to leave taking our older son (the addict) with her.
I tried to talk with him at that time and explain that I need his help with my 2 year old and want him to be around but need it to be sober time and for him to be an example, as his brother deserves that. However he has not talked to me since saying I treated him like a little B#@%^. He has talked to his mother since but just complains about the way I treated him (I actually thought I talked to him nice) and when she tries to explain it does not have to be this way he tosses that was how I was raised back at her.
Anyway thanks for your reply of assurance it was defiantly needed
RAS1969
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
But, see, if he's still playing the blame game, and he's still using weed, how "clean" is he, really?
I've heard the arguments before about weed not being addictive... but what you're describing sounds like he does have some kind of dependency going on with SOMETHING, weed or not, if he's going to get mad and defensive anytime it is brought up.
Even if he's not in active addiction anymore (which, like I say, he sounds like he IS to me), I have met people who keep going to al-anon or nar-anon for years after their loved one "cleans up." Just because the event that triggered the reaction is over does not mean that all issues are automatically resolved. And if your wife is allowing him to pull guilt trips on her, it really sounds like she needs help with this, which is why I brought up the meetings in my last post.
Take what you like and leave the rest. I promise it won't hurt my feelings. But I hope you found something helpful in my posts.
I've heard the arguments before about weed not being addictive... but what you're describing sounds like he does have some kind of dependency going on with SOMETHING, weed or not, if he's going to get mad and defensive anytime it is brought up.
Even if he's not in active addiction anymore (which, like I say, he sounds like he IS to me), I have met people who keep going to al-anon or nar-anon for years after their loved one "cleans up." Just because the event that triggered the reaction is over does not mean that all issues are automatically resolved. And if your wife is allowing him to pull guilt trips on her, it really sounds like she needs help with this, which is why I brought up the meetings in my last post.
Take what you like and leave the rest. I promise it won't hurt my feelings. But I hope you found something helpful in my posts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 34
I feel your pain. I know what it's like to be the one not playing along. I have yet to find my way, and hope coming to this forum will help me with my search. I just want you to know I think you are 100% right and know and believe you have the best intentions for your small child.
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