waiting for rehab- have you turn the other cheeck?

Old 07-13-2010, 04:39 PM
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waiting for rehab- have you turn the other cheeck?

Hi all,
My boyfriends 26 yo daughter is back home yet again and on a waiting list for county rehab. I found some needles in her room yesterday. My boyfriend is scared to confront her on it, because she is so close to getting into a facility. He is afraid she will run. I know he just wants to feel he has done all he can for her. As parents, have you turned the other cheek, just to buy some time?

BTW, I'm staying with friends for the next few nights. I really can't deal with this in my home.
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Old 07-13-2010, 05:25 PM
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Originally Posted by sacramento View Post
Hi all,
My boyfriends 26 yo daughter is back home yet again and on a waiting list for county rehab. I found some needles in her room yesterday. My boyfriend is scared to confront her on it, because she is so close to getting into a facility. He is afraid she will run. I know he just wants to feel he has done all he can for her. As parents, have you turned the other cheek, just to buy some time?

BTW, I'm staying with friends for the next few nights. I really can't deal with this in my home.
Hi Sacramento....I'm sorry you are going through this right now.

Unfortunately, she will continue to bring drugs and needles into your home. Are you going to spend the night at your friend's every night she is there?
That is YOUR house. What I learned from my exabf was that he wanted to get caught by me. It gave him an excuse to fly away without feeling guilty. It was always my fault. "You shouldn't have been snooping." "You invaded my privacy." That's the insane thinking of addiction.

What if she brings another addict to your house? They look at what you have in your home and rob you.....

What if she brings heat to your home? Such as the police or any other type of drama.

These are some things to think about as you wait until that day comes she goes for help....then again....she could refuse or be unavailable when that day comes.

You will have to set the boundary somewhere.

It's YOUR home.
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Old 07-13-2010, 05:27 PM
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Maybe your boyfriend is just 'hoping' that once she is in the rehab this may fix her. Maybe this is why he just cant say anything right now, he doesnt want to rock the boat.
Seriously though, unless it was her decision to go into rehab, chances of recovery may not be that good. Some addicts I know, will keep doing it right up to the last minute (making sure they are sober before they go in) Most have to be sober on entry. This tells me the daughter has a big addiction problem - so lets pray she gets into rehab and finds her way.
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Old 07-13-2010, 05:34 PM
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URMYEVERYTHING, Those all have crossed my mind! Makes sense to get caught and that be the reason why things don't work out for her. It's her dad's fault.
JustJo, he is hoping. She does go to all the meetings and group, acts like she wants it. But last year, she got all the way up to the day before rehab and bailed. You both see that one coming.
Geez, what a mess. I'm not very hopeful for the rehab either.
My heart breaks for parents who go through this stuff.
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Old 07-13-2010, 05:39 PM
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It sounds like you might have to make a decision about both your BF and his daughter soon before insanity kicks in.

Keep us posted.
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Old 07-13-2010, 08:17 PM
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I read your older posts. Sounds like you are living at his place and this is her room. His place....his kid....

She is a heroin addict. Where there is heroin, there are usually needles.

What purpose would confronting her serve? Will it be that ah-ha moment when she decides to just snap out of it? I don't think so.

Sounds like she is not done with drugs/alcohol.

Sounds like dad is not done with enabling her.

Not much you can do about either of them.

What do you want to do with the rest of your life?
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted by sacramento View Post
As parents, have you turned the other cheek, just to buy some time?
Yes, for about 36 hours after I got a phone call from a concerned friend, then saw her tracks for the first time. After a marathon google session for rehabs, we were on a plane. I knew she'd go because she was almost broke and using just enough to get by. She even let me know when she'd be out after I asked, so I scheduled the flight for that time frame.

The plane ran into a flock of birds and the windshield cracked, so we made an emergency landing in the midwest. It was mayhem and everyone was scrambling to arrange flights. The airline said some people might get stuck overnight, there weren't enough seats on other airlines to accommodate everyone. The first flight out was for people with emergencies.

I asked the rep if we could speak privately and told her the truth, that my daughter was ripped and headed to rehab. That it would probably get ugly when she started coming down and she only had about 3 hours left.

We were on the next flight and she hugged my daughter, wished her the best with everything.

You can't make this stuff up. Addiction is crazy.
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Old 07-14-2010, 09:23 AM
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Thank you all so much. I really do pray for you and your family members. I'm trying to be understanding from a parents perspective. I have no children of my own. If I did it would be a no brainer and get them far away from this! I feel so bad, not supporting him in a time of great heartbreak. But she keeps coming back like a bad penny. He is in law enforcement so having controlled substances is not a good situation by any means.
Confronting her will do no good. That's his opinion as well.
But can't we at least get the needles out of the house? I feel sort of like a prisoner or hostage to this disease.
Any whooo, I'm going to the fair with some girlfriends and spending the night with them again. I hope some space opens up for her soon. I don't know if it will work for her, but what else can you do?
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Old 07-14-2010, 04:07 PM
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Im not real sure about this but from what I gather - the addict needs family support (in a positive, constructive way) There will always be advice like - run for the hills, kick them out etc etc but I tend to think if we can find that way of not enabling them (supporting them with the addiction by just letting them know from a distance that there is a safe place/person to be there if they want to stop) it may help.
Does that make sense? Its easy to say ' just stop ' but when a person is so far into the addiction, some cant find that way out and they need family.
Im not by any means saying let her do drugs in the house until she 'sees the light' she needs to leave or want her life back. Sometimes when they go into rehab its like a 'relief or maybe this time'. We get some time out, I guess, hoping things will be different. Thing is though, most have this addiction all their life and if she truly isnt ready for it, not much will change.
Your bf sounds just like a parent who is hoping it will be this time too, can he realize that there may be many more 'hoping' times to come.
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Old 07-14-2010, 05:26 PM
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thanks Justjo. I see your point. The only person she has left in her corner is her father. I would be much more supportive if she wasn't in our home, tho. I'm curious how she can go to so many meetings, (like 2-3 a week) and still be using? I found a suboxone (sp) pill with the needles. We also caught her with 2 percocet and half a Valium tablet. She never appears to be high, so I think she is just getting by. Some loser meets her on the street we live on and brings her stuff. I looked my bf straight in the eyes and said did you ever think a day would come that you would knowingly have someone using IV drugs in your own home? He just got angry. I don't know if it helps keeping real and in his face.
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Old 07-14-2010, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by sacramento View Post
thanks Justjo. I see your point. The only person she has left in her corner is her father. I would be much more supportive if she wasn't in our home, tho.
Your boyfriend probably realizes this too, so this may make him be more protective of her (I was the same, very protective, the only one left in her life from the family) It must be very hard for you to live there with this going on but is your bf ready to let her go?

I'm curious how she can go to so many meetings, (like 2-3 a week) and still be using? I found a suboxone (sp) pill with the needles. We also caught her with 2 percocet and half a Valium tablet. She never appears to be high, so I think she is just getting by.
Yes the denial, deception of the addiction, my sister would go to detox for 3 days, stay in rehab for a few weeks and get caught drinking while she was in there, kind of blows your mind away and I use to think 'why bother' Lockup rehabs would have been the only way that she could have stopped drinking

Some loser meets her on the street we live on and brings her stuff. I looked my bf straight in the eyes and said did you ever think a day would come that you would knowingly have someone using IV drugs in your own home? He just got angry. I don't know if it helps keeping real and in his face. As a parent, he may have taken that comment personally (his daughter, his failure, (thats how I felt) He may know what he is doing is wrong but he is holding onto the hope that she will stop. Turning a blind eye I guess, angry at the same time but still needing her around to protect. Maybe discuss with him some meeting you can both go to together
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Old 07-15-2010, 12:48 AM
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You have set your boundary abt. living with her.
Maybe there needs to be a deadline by which she will be out and in a program
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Old 07-15-2010, 04:56 AM
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I was lurking on this post but then i remembered some stuff from my own situation.

The summer after high school graduation, I turned the other cheek and really extended myself into AS's life in order to get him into a small college 6 hours away hoping that would help him make better choices. It did not work.

Then a couple of years ago I turned the other cheek and opened my home to him while he was breaking all the rules of his probation. I was turning the other cheek on all his partying/drug using behavior because i was waiting for his court date so that I could let the judge know that he was breaking all these rules, and I wanted to use that opportunity to see if the judge would get him into jail boot-camp. I was hoping boot-camp would give him enough clean time and help him realize he needed to change the road he was on. The judge did listen to me and did take my suggestion to put him in boot camp. After he got out of jail, i allowed him to live in my home. That did not work.

Then some time after that I turned the other cheek and extended myself into his life not for his benefit but because he had taken on a dog that was being totally ignored, left alone in the house for huge periods of time, no exercise, etc. IN other words, that was to rescue the dog. That did work.

Probably every single one of has extended ourselves and turned the other cheek in some situation (and more than once) with our loved ones. None of us went directly to no- or mininal-contact.

So i guess what i'm saying here is - you go ahead and do what you're doing. This is going to prepare you and the addict's father for whatever is beyond this. Sometimes this kind of "turning the other cheek" works. Sometimes it does not. But i'm asking you, if it does work, to please not judge the rest of us in the negative who have gone no- or minimal-contact.
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Old 07-15-2010, 05:35 AM
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Originally Posted by sacramento View Post
But can't we at least get the needles out of the house? I feel sort of like a prisoner or hostage to this disease.
As long as the addict is there....the needles will be there. You can set up boundaries and tell the addict to not please bring them in your home. But that means nothing to the addict.

The only way to get the needles out is to get the addict out.
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Old 07-15-2010, 07:36 AM
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I see this as your bf's responsibility. You are choosing not to be involved with his co-dependency issues or his daughter's addiction. I think it is wise to get out. I think many people would want out that weren't tied to addiction by blood or relative.
I don't have much else to add and I don't think it's a bad thing to have some distance. Now if you were married to him you might have the same choices... you choose to not live in this environment. Hugs to you.
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Old 07-15-2010, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by sacramento View Post

Some loser meets her on the street we live on and brings her stuff.
I remember the day I stopped blaming the losers in my daughter's life and accepted that she was the drug seeker.
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Old 07-15-2010, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by sojourner View Post
So i guess what i'm saying here is - you go ahead and do what you're doing. This is going to prepare you and the addict's father for whatever is beyond this. Sometimes this kind of "turning the other cheek" works. Sometimes it does not.
Amen. My amazing rescue worked for me and RAD for exactly 6 months, but I learned valuable lessons for the future and they still apply today. She has to want it more than me and I have to let her.
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Old 07-15-2010, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
My amazing rescue
Whew - I bet we all have had some really amazing rescues on this board !!! Too bad our loved ones were too into their drugs/alcohol to appreciate it !!

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Old 07-15-2010, 05:08 PM
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Just got a call that the rehab has a bed for her. They want her to call them and have her prescriptions filled and ready by tomorrow.
Let's see how tonight goes.. I might actually get to sleep in my own bed soon.
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Old 07-15-2010, 05:20 PM
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That's great ! Now hopefully you can get some lifting of the stress. Don't forget to continue your recovery support because "this ain't over yet."
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