at work and a little high

Old 07-13-2010, 05:50 AM
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at work and a little high

So, I am doing my best to detach from my romantic interest, though seeing him every day at work makes this VERY difficult to do.

I also came to the realization that he may not ever be capable of living long term outside of a sober living facility. He was clean for a year before he moved out of one the last time, and he was only able to maintain his sobriety for 9 months after that on his own...and that was when he was renting a room from another recovering addict.

I believe he is showing up to work some mornings a little bit high or coming down off of something. To the best of my knowledge, no one else suspects anything. But I can see it in his eyes and his speech is ever so slightly sloppy on these particular mornings. This means he is also getting behind the wheel of his car in this condition, thus endangering others around him.

As long as he thinks he can get away with this, he will keep doing it. Is it wrong of me to want him to get fired? A part of me wants him to start experiencing the consequences of his relapse back into active addiction.

Should I say something to someone else at work about this? I really just want him gone at this point...for me and for him.
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:04 AM
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my ah worked where I work for the last 10 years. It was very difficult for me to see him high 24/7, he is on dr.prescribed pain meds, so I had proof. I was very embarrassed and ashamed at his behavior at work. finally after a long struggle I came forward and talked (meltdown really)to our boss. they also came forward too, they didnt know how to handle it since we are married. He was terminated (due to liability on running dangerous equipment) it was hard for me to do this being the manager, but I knew he would get seriously hurt. he also was driving to/from work and passing out behind the wheel and hitting guard rails. I also came forward and told the cops he was driving (this was done outside the job when the police were called to our home). I dont know what your addict does at your company,but you need to handle this as you would any other employee, not at a personal level.
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:21 AM
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Originally Posted by tam View Post
my ah worked where I work for the last 10 years. It was very difficult for me to see him high 24/7, he is on dr.prescribed pain meds, so I had proof. I was very embarrassed and ashamed at his behavior at work. finally after a long struggle I came forward and talked (meltdown really)to our boss. they also came forward too, they didnt know how to handle it since we are married. He was terminated (due to liability on running dangerous equipment) it was hard for me to do this being the manager, but I knew he would get seriously hurt. he also was driving to/from work and passing out behind the wheel and hitting guard rails. I also came forward and told the cops he was driving (this was done outside the job when the police were called to our home). I dont know what your addict does at your company,but you need to handle this as you would any other employee, not at a personal level.
He is the admissions coordinator at the school where I am a librarian. I am pretty sure no one else has noticed because the signs are not very pronounced.

Well actually...there is one other person who knows he's relapsing but she does not seem to see the signs that I do at work.
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:59 AM
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Possibly slipping an anoymous message to his supervisor to keep an eye out and let the chips fall as they may. I wouldn't stick my head out there and put your business on full blast because then you might be possibly dragged down with him and people might start suspecting things with you. You know how people think....guilty by association. That must be really difficult to work with him right there. Uggh...I would be so frustrated. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this at your place of employment too.
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post

This means he is also getting behind the wheel of his car in this condition, thus endangering others around him.

As long as he thinks he can get away with this, he will keep doing it. Is it wrong of me to want him to get fired? A part of me wants him to start experiencing the consequences of his relapse back into active addiction.
It's hard to combine work and romance because when things do not turn out as expected, one or both become uncomfortable with having to see each other every working day.

The moral righteous thing is sounds like rationalization to impose consequences/punishment because you cannot control him.

The more time we spend focusing on other people's problems, the more likely we do not notice our own issues.
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:43 AM
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I would step away if its not in your job title to oversee his work and let the chips fall as they may.unless of course you have a direct work connection with him/her that interfers with your job function. there can be alot of legal issues involved with firing someone or accusing someone of alleged drug activity that you may have to face with your organization, thus just giving you more stress and anger. something you certainly wouldnt want to be involved in as it could damage your own employment. in my situation, it was my job to hire/fire employees and make sure safety was in place.
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:46 AM
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This is alot like another thread on here right now! In alanon we learn not to avoid a crisis, but not to create one either. At this point it sounds to me like it would be creating a crisis so that you would feel better. If the consequences of his addiction occur naturally, and you are not involved, then you and he both cannot "blame" you. I'm sure I could call the cops on my daughter today, send them out to the opiate den she is living in, but that would be me creating a crisis, and I am working on detaching. He will have consequences, probably not as quickly as you would like. If no one is at risk of being harmed I would let it go. As far as driving goes, if you are positive he is impaired, that might be a bottom line for me, a time to make a call to the police.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:39 AM
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I would not get involved. If he's not driving to your school under some kind of influence, he'll only do it somewhere else.

And I know you think life would be easier if you didn't work with him, and this may be true. But it sounds to me like,, if you're patient, he'll get caught eventually anyhow, when those behaviors become more pronounced (which they will if he keeps up with it long enough).

The other thing is I notice you say you "think" he's getting high or coming down off of something. Are there other possibilities here? What if you're wrong, and you tell on him, and then you end up looking bad?

This is all just my opinion, of course. Just be careful, because us codies can relapse too.
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Old 07-13-2010, 10:17 AM
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The Police are not likely to respond because someone thinks someone else is driving while intoxicated.
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Old 07-13-2010, 10:54 AM
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Before accusing someone of anything, you need to have proof positive, otherwise you open the door for scrutiny of yourself (and possibly defamation suit)?

Let it go, if it bothers you this much, you are too involved...can you detach and take a week off for vacation?

if in fact your assumptions are true, it will come out at some point.
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:16 AM
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in Alanon I have frequently heard "hands off the addict". I suspect that my son is using but right now I don't have concrete proof. If I find his weed or he is arrested then I will know. Even if I find his stash all I know is that I have found weed....because I live with others I would not even be sure it was his. I would love to be able to call the cops on him and make him stop all of this but it would only be on my suspensions right now.

I trust that his path will unfold. Eventually, drugs/alcohol abuse catch up with you.

It must be terribly difficult to work with your romantic interest. Detachment is difficult anyhow and the closer I am to the action the more difficult it is for me to detach. I know that I have to hold myself accountable to my bottom lines though. If I am not able to detach then I need to make a move.
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Old 07-13-2010, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post
A part of me wants him to start experiencing the consequences of his relapse back into active addiction.

Should I say something to someone else at work about this? I really just want him gone at this point...for me and for him.
Every time I've picked up the director's wand, and tried to control things, I ended up in a world of hurt.

It isn't your job to facilitate consequences for him.
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Old 07-13-2010, 01:32 PM
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post
He is the admissions coordinator at the school where I am a librarian.
Is he working around children? This is my only concern with NOT saying anything.

I strongly beleive that if someone suspects something that would put other people at risk (especially children)...even if just suspicion....something should be said.

Just my thoughts....addict or not.
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Old 07-13-2010, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING View Post
Is he working around children? This is my only concern with NOT saying anything.

I strongly beleive that if someone suspects something that would put other people at risk (especially children)...even if just suspicion....something should be said.

Just my thoughts....addict or not.
We are at a college, so there are no children under the age of 18. If I didn't have to work with him, I would have already cut off contact.

I guess i shouldn't say anything. I just want him out of my life for now.
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Old 07-13-2010, 05:33 PM
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Whew... about not being around young children.

I understand about wanting him out of your life. I'm battling with the same thing. I just have to really buckle down and determine what is important and what to spend my energy on.

It just feels like it helps to not have any evidence of the past around. But even if he wasn't in your presence everyday, the addict always finds way to make themselves present. I have had to block my emails, etc. and he keeps finding ways. Now he's calling my job!

I hope you find resolve soon. I completely understand the nagging feeling.
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Old 07-13-2010, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING View Post

Whew... about not being around young children.

I understand about wanting him out of your life. I'm battling with the same thing. I just have to really buckle down and determine what is important and what to spend my energy on.

It just feels like it helps to not have any evidence of the past around. But even if he wasn't in your presence everyday, the addict always finds way to make themselves present. I have had to block my emails, etc. and he keeps finding ways. Now he's calling my job!

I hope you find resolve soon. I completely understand the nagging feeling.
He is already pulling away from me; he is no longer capable of feeling what he once did. My feelings for him are going to be much harder to get over since I have to see him. I think this is going to be harder on me than it is on him.
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Old 07-13-2010, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh View Post
He is already pulling away from me; he is no longer capable of feeling what he once did.
Despite how you feel....keep this statement with you. It will help you stay grounded in helping to cope with the loss of a relationship.
Also, give yourself some credit and time. It takes time to recover from a loss. It won't happen overnight but as long as you stay focused and remember this statement, "He is no longer capable of feeling" you will realize that you deserve so much better.
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Old 07-13-2010, 05:50 PM
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I think that if there is not a safety issue for other people, then you should not be involved. You can't make him quit by telling other people what is happening. You can't force his bottom. It sounds like this is his business. The only reason why I'd say you'd need to interfere is if it was a safety hazard to others--like the example of driving while intoxicated or working with young children.
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