brennanelectric

So I don't know why I'm typing this, because nobody is gonna read it. But here is the story of the crazy life i've been living the last little while. I'm not gonna hold back anything. Nothin but the truth. How I feel inside: Depressed, Suicidal, Unhappy, Unmotivated, I dont care about anything, Im passive, I don't wanna try in life, i feel alone, I hurt inside, and I didnt know that emotions could hurt so bad. Basically I'm reaching out to anybody that would like to listen. Which probably isn't much. So here it goes. I guess i should start out back when I started messing my life up. It started in 9th grade, started hanging out with the wrong crowd, got into trouble, tried smokin weed, started skippin school. Kinda.. got the feel for being rebellious and not caring. And i liked it. It was so much easier. Well 10th grade rolls around, i think to myself "Hey, i need to start trying" so first semester I got good grades, honor roll, didnt sluff. But then my lack of motivation started kickin in. Started sluffin with friends, had family issues, just didnt care. I went to school maybe 2 or 3 times a week. if that. Then the summer before 11th grade came around. Started hanging out with old friends. I started partying on the weekends, smokin weed alot. I started to realize the thrill of going out every weekend and just getting ****** up. Nothing was better than that. It was fun, and even if it was illegal.. nothing beat it. Throughout the year i had family issues with my dad and his girlfriend and her son that was living with us. We just didnt get along and there were some times I ran away, punched holes in the wall, cried all night. Well 11th grade, dad broke up with his gf, and we are living in american fork. You should know that this is the 2nd high school i went to. And I had also been to 3 different jr high's. So.. transitioning my friends was really hard on me.. had to keep letting people go, and accepting new people. Kept falling into the same rebellious groups, because they appealed to me. They were exciting, and it made me popular-ish. But the school year keeps going in american fork.. but this time it was different. All the kids i knew in jr high, didnt care to know me anymore. So for all of the first semester of 11th grade, i went to school every day, unhappy because i had no friends that would talk to me, i sat alone at lunch, and i slept in every single class. Well I decided I wasn't gonna go to second semester, that i was too far behind, and i just didnt care anymore. So I dropped out. Just sat at home every day, my dad didnt do much about it. I sorta looked for a job, but didnt really care. I just hung out with my friends from PG everyday. and started getting into the habit of smoking weed everyday. It became a lifestyle. Everyday we would get in the car, and find a place to smoke, sit around, go eat somewhere, go smoke, and that is all we would do. And then in october of 11th grade I made the stupidest decision of my life. We decided that if weed got us that high, then what would ecstasy make you feel like? All my friends at school made it sound so good. I knew it was a bad idea, but partying was what i was all about. So i hit someone up and at the last second i found it. We did ecstasy on halloween in my friends camper. It wasn't the best feeling ever, but we had fun. I kinda liked it. Then the year went by, i found a part time job. I only got like maybe 8 to 12 hours a week and that was it. Few months went by, and then I got into some trouble at work, did some mushrooms the night before, went into work. My boss found out. Then someone told me the wrong schedule so i accidentally missed a shift. So i got put on suspension. I could have talked about it to get my job back, but it wasnt worth it. I barely made any money. Well the summer of 2009 I went to a rave because i thought techno music sounded cool, and i'd never been. Since we had done ecstasy before, we thought we should do it at the rave because thats what alot of people do. Best and worst decision of my life. The pills we bought, were the strongest i've had to this day. And i had the best night of my life. Nothing has topped it yet. That was the night I fell in love with ecstasy. So throughout the summer I went to a few more raves, did ecstasy at each rave. It was what my life was about. The love people give you at raves is amazing, and the drug makes it even more amazing. well then september came around and a halloween store opened up by my house. I decided to go apply cuz i needed a job. Well turns out he hired me on the spot. I started making like 600 a month, compared to making nothing at all. So then instead of having my friend buy my drugs, i started to pitch in too. We started buying at least 50 dollars of weed every day, or every other day. Also did alot of mushrooms in that time period. Almost all my money went to drugs, and i kept falling deeper and deeper. Well in november i didnt have that job anymore, since it was seasonal. I ran outta money, and just only was smokin weed every day. Only because i have a friend that makes enough money to support our habits. Well in november i decided to get my GED, and i got it. I still occasionally did ecstasy. maybe every other week. And then new years came around, and i looked back on my life. And me and my friends decided we should all quit. Because drugs were slowly ruining lives. Well.. as you know, unless everybody quits, nobody quits. 2 weeks after new years, i go to my friends house, and they all have ecstasy, after i was sober for 2 weeks. I got jealous cuz they were describing to me how good it is, so i went to the bank, and pulled out money and bought some. The next day we wanted more, so we pulled out more money, and bought some more. well february comes around, and i get a job at del taco, start making 800 a month. Had a car, cell phone, and money to spend. I fell in really deep. I became so dependant on ecstasy. I started doing it every weekend, and all me and my friends would think about every day, is where we are gonna get ecstasy for when friday comes around. well i decided i wanted to try to quit drugs in march, so i quit. but 2 weeks later i gave into ecstasy again. ironically i was sober off weed for a month, but then my friends brought it around me and i gave in. Well, since i wasnt in school, and i had a lot of money to spend. i started doing ecstasy maybe 2 or 3 times a week. I would do it on weekdays. 5 to 10 pills a night, depending on the time. and then a credit card came. I blew half of it on new clothes, and the other half i figured out if i pulled out money from the ATM with my debit card, it was just charge my credit card like it was cash. So i blew the other 400 all on ecstasy, in 2 weeks. maxed out my credit card. Well in may i decided to start selling ecstasy. I got ahold of 50 pills fronted to me for my ipod. Sold some, and got jacked 23 of them. had to get a loan of 200 dollars from my friend to help pay my dealer back. Well i needed money to pay my friend back, so i got fronted another half jar of 50 pills. Started selling, but also took about 19 pills for myself and gave away 8 on my friends birthday. i sold about 18, and shared alot for free on my friends birthday. and then i started realizing people were following me places, and figured out i was being followed by the DEA. or someone like it. and the last 8 pills i had i flushed because i was scared that i would get caught and go to jail. Well within those same few days, i went to work rolling on ecstasy because i took too much the night before and didnt think id still be rolling. my boss probably knew i was high. my lip was sweating and my eyes were huge. i couldnt think straight and i just wanted it to end. Well then the next day i said **** it and rolled again, and missed my shift. I lost my job and moved to my friends. We tried staying sober but it was hard, but we at least stayed off ecstasy and weed. We stuck to smoking the legal stuff that gets you high kinda like weed, called spice. Well i had been sober for almost 2 months from ecstasy, and then my friends decided that they were gonna buy me a ticket to go Showtek. Which happened to be my favorite techno dj. Time passed, i would smoke spice now and then wishin i could be sober, then the rave came, which was two nights ago, my friend bought my ticket, and he had a 600 dollar check he got that day. Well.. getting put in a situation like that. I wanted to do ecstasy. It was my favorite dj. There was no stopping me. The whole 2 months i worked on stayin sober, was thrown out the window. I dont know why, but i just didnt care. That night my friend bought me 4 and a half pills. I loved the night, went to an after party, met a lot of hot girls, and remembered why i loved this lifestyle. The people are amazing, being sexual and dancing and kissing girls all night. Whats better than that? Well the next day we were too hungover to go home, so we rented a motel room, tried to sleep all day, and couldnt. We hated feeling hungover, so my friend decided to buy 14 pills. We brought a girl over, and we rolled all night at the motel. I'm laying here 2 days later. And this is my life. I'm a complete mess. I dont know what to do, I don't care. I am so depressed every day that it scares me. I have anxiety, i have anger, i have sadness, and i always try to quit, but i keep falling into drugs, because it seems like a perfect world to me. I know its not.. but im struggling to make my life worth living. I don't know who would actually read this entire blog. But all it is, is me venting, and maybe someone might understand me, i dont know. Drugs are hard to quit. Life is hard to deal with. I have no girlfriend, my dad is more in debt then me, and struggling to survive. My bedroom is a goddamn living room. We never have much food. Im broke. Done way too many drugs. Too scared to even sign up for school. I feel like my brain is too fried from drugs. My car is gone. And i'm a very unhappy person. If you've had the chance to know me, im so sorry for who i've become. I wish i was a better person. Now you know what made me who i am. And all the dirty secrets behind my ****** up world.

AChapie

I read it. I hear you.

don't give up. hang on.

betterlate

If you can put this much effort into posting here, I'd say you have the energy to get through school.

Don't believe all the "fried brain" propaganda. I've been around plenty of people who used drugs previous and during going to school and some of them were top scholars. But the important thing is that if you feel that your drug use is stopping YOU from doing something that you want to do, like going to school, then that's probably the case.

Thanks for your detailed story. You seem to have a clear understanding that things are out of balance and that you need to make some changes. Good luck!

brennanelectric

Thanks for reading. The only reason I have had the energy to type that, is because im sick of having nobody to talk to. I guess your probably right about the fried brain, but i guess i am scared cuz its been almost 2 years since i've even tried studying. I've only been sober 2 days, but my brain feels so out of focus, and powerless. I wanna keep going. It's so hard though. It feels like an endless cycle

Dee74

Hi Brennanelectric

Sometimes it seems like the mountain of stuff to fix in our lives is too much, I know - been there - but you can do it...a piece at a time.

A lot of us here have done just that.

You'll find a lot of support here if you wanna quit the way you're living.

D

brennanelectric

well where do i start? I honestly dont really know much about this website. I just made it like an hour ago.

Dee74

My first stop was not drinking (alcohol was my poison).

You can see a Dr, see a counsellor, go to AA or some other recovery group like SMART or Life Ring, go to an inpatient or outpatient rehab...

but I can tell you from some experience that none of that will work until you decide you're done with drink (and/or drugs) Brennan.

Does that sound like where you're at?
D

brennanelectric

and that is the hardest decision there is. I want to say that that is where im at. But i relapsed 2 days ago. So i guess i have no room to make a decision quite yet. This drug forum seems as the only hope to help me though, because i live with my dad, im 18, no job, no health insurance, and i couldnt ever afford any programs. My dad is struggling to survive himself. I dont know what to do, because i would join a program in an instant, but to see a counselor it costs around 80 dollars a session, and my dad struggles to pay bills, to pay child support. He's on the edge of becoming homeless.

Taking5

AA is free. So is NA.

SASA

you can change at any stage in live, you just need to have the will. I know I kept trying and trying and trying and one day it worked (well till now, day 25). Only if you give up, there will be no change.

Hevyn

Welcome Brennan. I'm glad you shared your story with us. I know you feel that your life is a living hell, and with drugs/alcohol in control, it always will be. You're young and you can turn everything around. As Dee says, it seems like the huge mountain of problems is overwhelming - but one by one they can be solved. Start taking the steps it takes to get yourself out of this cycle. Every day can bring you closer to living a healthy life where you're not a slave to that poison anymore.

We all have one thing in common here - a desire to get our lives back and have hope for the future. You're not alone any more. Alcohol ran my life for 25 yrs., but I learned to live again without it. I know you can put your drug-using years behind you and start building a sane and safe life for yourself. NA and AA work wonders for many. Check out the Drug Addiction Forum here, too. Be glad that you've seen the light - no more insanity. Please keep posting - we care about you.

TimeDrain

I can definitely relate to you , I used to be a huge E popper . Remember taking ten in a night and feeling like I had no soul for days. The reality is you are completely drained , you have no serotonin in you after rolling . You are depressed . My DOC is alcohol however so to avoid the E horribleness Id spend the next few days drunk. What a trainwreck .

How do you escape? Well there's only one real answer and that is to just stop using . This is incredibly hard which is why we need places to go for support , but many here have done it.

You're in a bad place and want to escape. The drugs do this temporarily but take a little more from you each time you hit that easy button. You know all of this , its just how far down are you willing to go before you've really had enough.

I'm only 24 myself and it took a lot to make me want to quit . The ruined relationships , doing things I never thought I was capable of, feeling like I was dying on coke / disconnected on norco / fried on ecstacy / every miserable adjective on alcohol / wasting time on pot/ freaking out on lsd/shrooms/2cb/mescaline . Its so damn tiring . On the bright side there is a better life to be had and all it takes is for us to start taking care of ourselves .You came here and that is a good thing.

Thank you for your story.

vegibean

I had no money, no insurance and found a way to get through detox and a treatment center. When I had enough I picked up the phone and made call after call and I got help. I have no outstanding bills from the almost YEAR I spent altogether going through detox and then treatment, and yes, I do mean RESIDENTIAL treatment. There is a way if there's a will.

I was out of options, and my future wasn't looking very good, I've been sober almost three years now and I'm a STRAIGHT "A" student in college and going for my degree in Psychology.

I knew I was worth it, and I never gave up on myself. I had many challenges after getting sober and my friends here at SR were one of my biggest support systems, you've found a great place here.

Welcome, and I hope you'll keep reading and posting. I promise you, this can get better, you can get your life back. So many of us have been in the same place you are now. My best to you!

betterlate

I prefer to think of it in terms of being a "false start" rather than a "relapse". I've had too many false starts to count, but day 78 of seeing my alcohol/crack cocaine nightmare recede into the past is feeling very good. 78 days may sound like a lot to you, but it's not. It's just sticking to the idea of "I'm not drinking TODAY" 78 times. Each one of those days I honestly had no idea what tomorrow would bring and I learned not to care. Most important is simply not picking up/using/rolling TODAY.

cat1961

Brennan - I read your story and sounds similar to my old days. The partying people you associate with will drive you to the drugs. I have found in the past that I have to cut off ties with my old drinking buddies in order to stay sober. Although I don't have a solution for you today, the only suggestion I can give is to stick with these folks here cuz their awesome!

This is my second day here and I'm struggling as well.

Opivotal

YOU can fix all this. Sounds like your lonely and depressed. I think you know your not really living life. You have the capability to do well in school and work a job. You've already proven that. Your young and have to build a foundation for the rest of your life. If you put the drugs down and move towards building that foundation you will feel so good about yourself the depression and lonliness will go away. You'll make new friends that are also working for the same goals. Healthy people ! If you stay in your depression and drugs I think you know what your future will be. What a waste that would be.

Coming here is a good start. You'll find alot of wisdom and advice. If you read some of the posts you'll see people who have been in your same situation. Some young some older but all wished they hadn't wasted the years in the throes of drug and alcohol addiction. Wish they had listened and got help sooner. NO ONE can do it for you. YOU have to want it for yourself. Until you make that change I'm sorry to say the path your leading will take you nowhere.

As stated above HELP IS FREE! I pray for your strength to choose the right path.

:ghug3

artsoul

Welcome, Brennan! Glad you shared your story with us. We've all been there (depressed, anxious, feeling hopeless) and realized we needed help. You really can fix all of your problems IF you take first things first (getting clean) and just bite off a little at a time.

Since you can't really count on your dad (and you're technically an adult), why not make a few phone calls and see what kind of help you can get? I don't know what's available in your area, but if you look in the phone book under the name of your country, there are usually some state or government health services. Start there, or call the nearest rehab and just see what kind of resources they know of. Otherwise, go to an NA meeting and just talk to some people.

It took some guts to come here so commend yourself for that. I know it's scary. When I first came here a couple months ago, I was terrified to quit and terrified to keep going. I just knew what lay down the road if I kept drinking, so I figured why not try the sober route. I'm so glad I did. Keep reading and posting.

coffeenut

Welcome, Brennan. You CAN change the hell you are living in. But, and this is huge, you have to want it. You can't just say you want it....you gotta live it.

Hope you stick around....read and post often!

brennanelectric

Thanks TimeDrain. You helped me. I was in the same position, i left out that i was buying as much ecstasy and mushrooms and acid as i could. it is quite tiring.. i finally wrote that blog out to all my friends that did drugs with me. Most of them promised they would change to. and we are all gonna work on this together. You guys are right, i needa take it slowly, one step at a time, and not over think things. All of your posts help me have hope that i can do this. If all of you can, then why cant I?

brennanelectric

Yea, i understand that the longer you stay sober that it will get easier and give you more motivation to stay off, cuz you've worked so hard to be sober so long. Thanks for your input