littlebird77

My ABF that was the reason of my joining this board died last Monday. I did not come here to tell you all...because on Sunday night I had a feeling he was high at his parents house and went on this board to detach. I don't want to tell you guys..... I spoke to him on Saturday and he sounded horrible. I was so mad at him and let him know it... On Sunday night I spoke to him and he sounded so sad. I said it was only a relapse and we will work on it together. I said it was ok, and all he has to do it get up and keep going the straight path... He was clean and I think this is why he died. He had no tolerance. He took xanax... a lot... if he took this a while back, he would have woken up the next day... This time he didn't... He also has terrible stomach problems so we do not know if the drugs are the cause of death... He also feel on his face and might have broke something, because his brain was swollen.... I'm beyond upset and would like anyone who has lost a love one to addiction to contact me. I really need help with this... I'm so scared it was a suicide.

peaceteach

Honey, I am so sorry. Please tell yourself, right away, that there was NOTHING, NOTHING you could have done to have seen this coming or have prevented it. It's so strange when someone we know dies young, well before their time. But right now, I want YOU to tell yourself that you did everything you could, that this was in someone else's hands, not yours, and that this person knew he was loved during his lifetime.

It will probably take a while for you to come to terms with this, to feel all right at the end of it all (I've heard it's like 2 years for true grieving of a death) and that what EVER you are going through, it's the RIGHT thing to be feeling at that point in your life.

Try to remember this next week or two, Little Bird, that YOU did not cause this, and that YOU did not die. That YOU will have a life after this is all over, and that YOU will laugh again and love again. Please believe me on this. I will pray for you, sweetie, that you understand this was WAY out of your hands, and that sometimes life just winds up like this. Take care. Breathe deep. And don't be afraid of love....

Maggiemac

my son overdosed on 11-19-08 I know what you are going through. I am sorry for your loss. Grief is hard and I still have that lost feeling, and empty hole in my heart.
God Bless you
your friend
Maggiemac

littlebird77

He left me a message on the phone on Saturday saying that he only took two... and that he was sorry and begged me to find it in my heart to forgive him... His mom on Saturday was screaming that he could drop dead... He was clean for a while.

littlebird77

What do you do when you feel like your right on the edge of loosing it?

Callie

LB - I'm so very sorry. You are living ffsa's worst fear. Know that GOD gave him what he couldn't give himself ~ peace and freedom from addiction. He is free from that...the hard part comes with you finding your way. Know that he's with you always...he's flying with the angels and around whenever you choose to listen. PM me anytime and I'm so very sorry.

Freedom1990

Cry till I can't cry anymore, scream into a pillow, whatever I needed to do to fall apart and then regroup.

I am so sorry for your loss, hon.

My EXAH died 4 years ago, and I didn't even know it till Mom sent me the obituary.

It had a profound impact on me even though we had been divorced a long time, and he had remarried.

Addiction is ugly.

littlebird77

I know this may sound odd... But being with an addict. I've always played this part in my head. Not that it makes it any easier. But I feel like I've done this part in my head so many times that I'm just playing the part... Its surreal... This is the real thing... As much as I prepared for this, Its hard to accept... I had no problems figuring what to bury him in because I thought about this before.

Callie

Hon, hang in there and reach out. I'm so,so very sorry.

Freedom1990

No, it doesn't sound odd at all. I've had those types of thoughts in regard to my 32 year old AD.

Callie

No, it's not odd at all. I have a green and navy striped golf shirt for xah. For me, when I see him in that, that = recovery. He's given up golfing for the most part, but it was something that HE loved. Addiction stole that, but HE DID love to golf. I remember I HATED golfing with him because he was over the top as far as perfectionism. LB~ I'm so sorry. You have my number, call anytime day or night.

itisatruth

I'm so sorry to hear of your bf's passing.....another soul lost to addiction.....so unnecessary, so tragic....

Impurrfect

(((Littlebird))) - I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I had been apart from my XABF for a good while when he died. I didn't find out until about a month later. We hadn't spoken, but we had written to each other just 2 months before he died.

It hurts, but I know that there was nothing I could have done different. We were BOTH addicts, and had I been there, even with my nursing background, I truly believe it would not have changed the outcome.

I agree with ((Freedom))..cry, scream, hit something (just don't hurt yourself or anyone else)..whatever it takes. This grief is real, and it's going to take time to work through it.

I promise you...this is NOT your fault. It's hard as he!! when you don't know the why's, but you can get through this. I'm an RA, and I've been too close to death a few times..some were intentional, some weren't..just wanting to be high. This is why I can say, it's NOT YOUR FAULT, sweetie, it really isn't. I DID go through a short period of "what if's" when my XABF died, but having been down that road, I know.....addiction is horrible, and this is sometimes the outcome. I couldn't have saved him, and I didn't cause it. The same goes for you.

pm me if you want to "talk"

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

littlebird77

Thank you... I'm about to go to bed. They are right when they say its like waves... At this moment I have an inner peace that he is no longer suffering... I'm sure in a few moments I'll be crying myself to sleep... I love him dearly, and I am so happy I love him as much as I do. I'm glad he got to feel what true love is like.... I have your number, thank you so much. I will love to talk.

lightseeker

LB -

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. There is absolutely nothing that you could have done differently. Addiction is a nasty disease and it has tragically claimed another life.

I'm glad that you are posting and just wanted to let you know that we are here for you.

Hugs....

greeteachday

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you bf was able to have your love too - how wonderful that was for him. In time the memories of happiness that you shared will provide comfort...Right now, keep being gentle to yourself and reach out when you need to. We understand.

I have experienced that feeling of almost looking at myself and the situation from the outside. I think it is one of the ways the mind helps us to cope and process. Hugs

Callie

I DID go through a short period of "what if's" when my XABF died, but having been down that road, I know.....addiction is horrible, and this is sometimes the outcome.

LB - Seriously, call me ANYTIME! My own xah as bad as he was KNEW and didn't care that he was playing russion roulette. He knew and did not care if he lived or died. He was way more serious about this than I could have ever imagined. Ever. Know that there is NOTHING that you could have done. NOTHING. Know that we care, call, post, pm, reach out you're not alone. Sleep tight sweetie.

Callie

(((lightseeker)))

Ann

I'm so very sorry Littlebird. I will keep you and all who loved him in my prayers.

Please know that we're here for you as you go through the difficult days ahead.

Hugs

Chino

Your love is a perfect gift that will always be with him, and it will always shine back on you from the heavens.

May he always rest in peace and you're in my thoughts and prayers.