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Talk me out of saying some VERY mean things....or don't....I don't know!!!



Talk me out of saying some VERY mean things....or don't....I don't know!!!

Old 07-11-2010, 05:33 PM
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Talk me out of saying some VERY mean things....or don't....I don't know!!!

OMG. I cannot even contain my anger right now...

Deep breaths, deep breaths......

As short as I can make it:
My ex cheated on me with my best friend, I broke off the friendship with her, got back with him. She claimed he forced himself on her. I didn't buy it at the time because her stories didn't match up and I felt betrayed. I have NO idea why I got back together with him. I spent 10+ years in an abusive relationship with him.

I did not talk to her for over 20 years. Around a year ago, we reconnected and worked some things out. About 4 months ago she asked me if I could ask my ex to stop sending her messages on Facebook. I didn't - not my job anymore to deal with him.

Then, last month, HE calls me and asks if I mind if they become "friends". I was veeeerrrry surprised because she had previously told me she wanted nothing to do with him. Because of my surprise, he says....oh, since it seems to bother you, I won't do it....blah, blah, blah.

So, I ask her WTH is going on.....I thought you said he was a creep who you didn't want anything to do with....and she says she would never do anything to hurt me again and they are just "friends" now but what do I think of it. Now here I had a choice of telling her everything I know about the guy (major LOSER), but instead tell her to proceed with extreme caution. (I had already told her a bit of my history with him, that his own son doesn't like him, and that he had already lied to her about having more children.)

So today, I find out they are seeing each other. It literally makes me sick and I'm sitting here trying to figure out why and I want to send them both very mean, angry messages.

To be clear: I have nothing but contempt for the man. So why is this bothering me soooo much. It's none of my business anymore, right!?! I wonder if she's being naive here and if I should tell her more about him.....I really don't know where to go with this....if anywhere.....and it makes me sad that I was able to finally forgive her and now I feel duped again.

Things have been moving in the right direction for me overall. With RAH clean for over a year, I've been mostly working on my own issues - which is proving to be more work than I ever thought it would be. I never dealt with the damage done in that relationship. Maybe that's what's bothering me?? Maybe I finally need to deal with it....it was shoved in the closet and seems to want out now.....

If you made it through all that - what do you think? Would it be wrong to send some nasty messages....or should I just let it go and cut off communication with her again.

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Old 07-11-2010, 05:43 PM
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Would it be wrong to send some nasty messages....or should I just let it go and cut off communication with her again.


From past experience at delivering many 'nasty messages', I'd advise against it. Maybe something short, simple and to the point as in I'm done with both of you. If she'd do this to you again, consider that person toxic and cut her out of your life. Same for xabf. JMHO.
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Old 07-11-2010, 05:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Callie View Post
Would it be wrong to send some nasty messages....or should I just let it go and cut off communication with her again.


From past experience at delivering many 'nasty messages', I'd advise against it. Maybe something short, simple and to the point as in I'm done with both of you. If she'd do this to you again, consider that person toxic and cut her out of your life. Same for xabf. JMHO.
Thanks Callie, even in times I have reacted with anger, I end up feeling bad or guilty....because I acted at their level.

I was thinking maybe something like: "I think I just threw up in my mouth" or "Good luck with that".

I think I need to cry or lie down or take a bath or drink a glass of wine and watch Kung Fu Panda.

I just don't think it should bother me soooo much and it does.
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Old 07-11-2010, 06:04 PM
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I can understand why it does bother you. They both sound like a toxic mess that need to be left to themselves. Pour a glass and pop in Kung Fu Panda and relax.
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Old 07-11-2010, 06:07 PM
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If you allow your anger to cause you to respond to them in an inappropriate way you have given them control over your life. I agree that a very straight forward response along the lines of "I do not need to hear from either of you about your activities" should be enough.
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Old 07-11-2010, 06:10 PM
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You have a right to your feelings. Maybe tonight would be a great time to utilize every relaxation technique you can think of, and see if things aren't any clearer in the morning. One thing I have been learning is that acting in the heat of emotion is usually a bad idea, especially when acting negatively.

I'm so sorry they are doing this. Try to take a few steps back, and then see how you feel.
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Old 07-11-2010, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyamalthea View Post
You have a right to your feelings. Maybe tonight would be a great time to utilize every relaxation technique you can think of, and see if things aren't any clearer in the morning. One thing I have been learning is that acting in the heat of emotion is usually a bad idea, especially when acting negatively.

I'm so sorry they are doing this. Try to take a few steps back, and then see how you feel.
Sigh....I should take a step back and think about it/wait before I do/say anything. Writing here has already helped...thank you.

litehorse ~ I won't talk to him at all unless it's directly related to my son. Period. He still makes me nervous.

Callie, thanks for understanding....I told my H and at first he thought I was upset because I'm jealous or something....UGH....To RAH: ummm, hellloooo, not everything is about you, dear!!
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Old 07-11-2010, 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted by litehorse View Post
If you allow your anger to cause you to respond to them in an inappropriate way you have given them control over your life. I agree that a very straight forward response along the lines of "I do not need to hear from either of you about your activities" should be enough.
...and thanks for the reminder, to not let their actions affect my standards. I need to remember this is not about me either. They are doing what they're doing and aren't out to hurt me directly.

Interesting, though, no one has said I should warn her about him. She knows enough to know better I think...but then we aren't always good at seeing those red flags. He is quite the manipulator.
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Old 07-11-2010, 06:59 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
You can delete them out of your life just as easy as you can unfriend them on Facebook.
I only have to deal with him when it comes to our son (which is rare) but I am most decidedly NOT friends with him on FB.

As for her, I was hoping to be able to go to our HS reunion this year and be on friendly terms with her. But your point is taken. Deleting is only a click away.
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Old 07-11-2010, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
sounds like you just freed up two spots on your christmas list!!!??
Thanks anvil ~ I needed to lighten up a bit
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Old 07-11-2010, 08:24 PM
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Aw, man, I'm so sorry. That just sucks all around. It hurts because of the mental anguish you went through with him. It sucks because it's a double betrayal in a sense (or is based in that from the past).

1. Kill them with kindness. That doesn't mean you're a doormat or that you talk to them or connect to them, but if they do contact you, be as classy as possible. Rise above it.

2. The pain will go away over time.

3. It's a great time to detach even more. Do what feels right for your own personal health.

(huge hugs)
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Old 07-11-2010, 10:27 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
Seems to me like they deserve each other. Karma is a bitch.
That was ruthless and I love it
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Old 07-12-2010, 11:50 AM
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As for her, I was hoping to be able to go to our HS reunion this year and be on friendly terms with her. But your point is taken. Deleting is only a click away.
Many times, past hurts and betrayals, brought back to life bring back painful emotionals and more feelings of betrayal, and that fact they were again attempting to hide something would be the same.

As far as the HS reunion, sure be friendly, by letting it go now,and be civil and friendly at the reunion In the meantime, maybe look up some other people from HS on facebook and plan to meet up with them at the reunion too, so if you feel uncomfortable, or if she brings him, no worries you have plenty of others to catch up and be friendly with.

As far as telling her about him, why bother seems she's been around enough to have an idea and has dealt with him on her own previously, she'll find out soon enough
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Old 07-12-2010, 02:05 PM
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Originally Posted by cinderellawkids View Post
Many times, past hurts and betrayals, brought back to life bring back painful emotionals and more feelings of betrayal, and that fact they were again attempting to hide something would be the same.

As far as the HS reunion, sure be friendly, by letting it go now,and be civil and friendly at the reunion In the meantime, maybe look up some other people from HS on facebook and plan to meet up with them at the reunion too, so if you feel uncomfortable, or if she brings him, no worries you have plenty of others to catch up and be friendly with.

As far as telling her about him, why bother seems she's been around enough to have an idea and has dealt with him on her own previously, she'll find out soon enough
You're right, she'll find out as all the others have. I feel much better today. Read a good book until midnight and slept in this morning My true friends have said the same as here. Guess I'm still just a little too gullible/doormat-ish - I need some more of that attitude like CO.

As for the reunion, I'll just have to take it one day at a time and see how I feel about it when it gets here. When the first betrayal happened, I went away to college ashamed and embarrassed, and ended communication with all my HS friends. But now I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have a good life today, a successful career, a loving family, and trustworthy friends. I need to focus on the good stuff.

Once again, I'm grateful to SR and being able to 'talk' through this before I lashed out at either of them.

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