Hopeless

Old 07-10-2010, 07:53 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hopeless

I just went through all of my threads. It makes me want to vomit. I can't stop cyring. Sure, I know there is a wealth of other experiences that have filled the time between I first came here in September last year and now, but what I've posted here shows I keep going back to that selfish, childish, passive aggressive alcoholic. I honestly believe if we didn't have children it would be over for good because I would be living on a tropical island right now. But no, I"m stuck in the armpit of the midwest.

My patterns laid out so clearly before me are horrifying. I'm afraid. I leave him, only when it's so bad I can't stand it. I gain independence. I feel better about myself. He comes around convincing me things will be different. I buy into it. The same thing happens over and over again. THE SAME ******* THING. Yet after a few months the veil of forgetfulness comes up.

Maybe I should take the kids and move to Key West where my sister is after all. I just signed a lease for a house down the street though. This is where my kids friends and school are. I moved them from their home in sept. last year and this summer they joined the swim team in this neighborhood, are really feeling like they belong here. I can't take them away.

Why won't he leave me alone? I understand what we just went through now, I believed his assertions that things would be different, but as soon as I challenged his drinking, he turned on me. Deflected it with made up resentments towards me. It confused me, threw me off while I tried to defend myself. Thankfully I pulled up my old passive aggressive info and remembered all the other times this has happened. I've been raging for weeks at him, because he doesn't care about my feelings. THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION. I HAVE NO ONE BUT MYSELF TO BLAME FOR THIS. I need therapy. I need a healing. I need to go see the Medicine Man again and have him pull the power intrusions from my soul. I need help.
transformyself is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 08:05 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I don't know what to say tigger that will make you feel better.

Been there, done etc. What I am doing differently is to focus on being me regardless of whether he is there or not. I focus on staying in my own space and peace. If he attempts to disrupt it I deflect it and let it go recognizing it is his stuff and I don't have to take it on me.

I set a limit on how I want to be treated and I am sticking to it. He will get it or not - but what is important is standing firm in yourself to the best of your ability.

I think it was stated in another thread that we can admit mistakes and then move on. Blame doesn't solve anything. Learning from mistakes is what we are able to do.
Kassie2 is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 08:07 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
posiesperson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Aw, transformie, go easy on yourself.

I haven't been around much due to the busy, busy, busy-ness in my life of late, but I logged on just now and read this latest post. I'll go back and read what's been happening for you recently but it seemed really important to just say this: serenity doesn't come to us when we're beating ourselves up. Are you being kind to yourself? Are you talking to yourself the way you talk to your kids, your friends, your colleagues?

What step(s) can you take to sever ties with this man to the extent that you can? Each time you ride the merry-go-round you can choose to do 1 thing a little differently. Progress, not perfection. And you have progressed a lot in the time that I've been reading and posting here. I remember. Remind yourself that you're doing your very best at any given moment.

Yes, therapy, Medicine Man, healings...all good things that begin with being kind to yourself/taking care of yourself, one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Big hugs!
posie
posiesperson is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 08:18 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
T, I can go back to 2008, which is when I first came on SR because my ex was doing cocaine. OK, on our first date, when I look back, he slugged down a whole bottle of Jamesons. I chose to ignore it. How do you think I feel, 3 yrs later, knowing I was doing the same thing as you....leave, come back, leave come back...each time I came back, hoping against all the evidence that things would be better.

Does it do me any good to flog myself over it? If your sister/gf was beating herself up about doing what you did, would you let her?

I've been there, done that. I'm over it. All it got me was a lot of guilt and an ulcer. One day at a time...today I focused on working my first step. I went for a swim. I practiced thought-stopping. I'm tired of being harsh with myself; meanwhile my ex is acting like he hasn't a care in the world, still doing the same ole same ole.

You're not perfect. You trusted him. We wanna trust these guys. Sometimes it takes a LOT for us to finally realize that they can't be trusted.
sandrawg is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 08:20 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
DesertEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there transformee

Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
....The same thing happens over and over again. THE SAME ******* THING. Yet after a few months the veil of forgetfulness comes up .... .
well of course. We all do that. That's why we are here on SR. You think if we could just walk away from the insanity that easy there would be any need for al-anon and SR and therapists and all that stuff

Transform. Look closely at what you have written in this post. You are describing what an _addict_ goes thru when they try to get away from their "drug of choice". I dunno about you, but my drug of choice was fantasies. I am an "alanoid", and I am addicted to fantasies. Ok, so I put a woman in there somewhere, but it doesn't really matter which one as long as she goes along with my fantasy for awhile.

Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
.... Maybe I should take the kids and move to Key West where my sister is after all. .... .
That's called a "geographic". Without recovery all that happens is we find some other person to pin our fantasies on.

Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
.... Why won't he leave me alone?.... .
cuz he knows you are addicted to him. You keep raging at him, so that's how he knows.

Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
.... I HAVE NO ONE BUT MYSELF TO BLAME FOR THIS. .... .
well no, not really. It's not your fault that you are an alanoid just like me. The only thing that you can blame yourself for is that you have not decided 100% to give up the addiction. You are still chasing the "high" in small ways. You still try to get those warm fuzzy feelings from the fantasy instead of from your HP.

I know this cuz it's what I did for many years.

Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
.... I need therapy. I need a healing. I need to go see the Medicine Man again and have him pull the power intrusions from my soul..... .
well that's fine. But it will only work until you reach out and pull the addicition back in again.

Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
.... I need help.... .
All the help you need is right there in your own heart. As long as you hold on to the fantasy, you'll stay on the rollercoaster. Go have a talk with your HP. Make a decision to walk away from that fantasy 100% _today_. Just for today. and _mean_ it. Then you can go see the counselor and the Medicine Man and their healing will stick.

You can do it. I have never met you in person, but your strength and will are plenty clear thru the internet. If you really and truly want something, nothing in the world can stop you. You just haven't really and truly wanted to give up the fantasy 100%.

Maybe today is the day. Maybe today is your alanoid "bottom". Sounds to me like it is. whadya think?

Mike
DesertEyes is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 08:27 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Yeah, what sandrawg said... it's really hard to let go of the fantasy that things CAN be different. I know I used to beat myself up horribly for repeatedly going back to my abusive relationship ...and we didn't have kids!! I still have nightmares about going back to him and it's been over 10 years since I laid eyes on him.

I don't know if moving is the answer or not. Sounds like your kids might benefit from some stability in at least one area of their life right now. Perhaps if you focus on creating and maintaining strong boundaries that would be a very healthy model for them as well. Not to mention it would be best for you, too.

Just like an addict who relapses, we just have to get up, dust ourselves off and start again. No reason to beat yourself up. Just do what you have to do. After all, you're probably getting better and better at it so maybe this time it'll stick, eh?

It's okay. It's just a part of learning. ((((Hugs))))
tjp613 is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 08:31 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Helenlee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Yes you're stuck in a pattern. Yes it's frustrating. Yes you're making slow progress. Yes you keep going back to him. Yes you keep abandoning yourself.
However ... from what I've read in your posts, you're a miracle to have kept it together as much as you have. You experienced some HORRIFIC stuff in your childhood. I'm not sure you realize how significant that is in regard to your current patterns, or how hard it is to overcome.
You're an amazingly bright, talented, passionate woman. Your energy & fire alone are awesome. I think you're special. The wounds you've suffered are deep ... deep to the bone, deep to your very soul ... & they will take a lot to work through. But I believe you are tough enough to do it. Of all people, you won't fail to find your way to the other side. Don't run anywhere ... just stand & face this. Stand still, on your own 2 feet, breath & know that this won't defeat you. It can't. You've got something primitive in your spirit, some will to live that can't be broken by what others do to you. Begin to take care of yourself. Begin to become yourself. You're worth it.
Helenlee is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 08:32 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
...and just like an addict, T has to hit her own bottom.

I was posting on here for quite a while, with people telling me the same things....my A was "quacking"....I should get far away from him....etc.

I didn't listen. I didn't hit my bottom until the horrible weekend when he had a drunken temper tantrum and screamed at me for 2 hours over nothing, threw things at me, and finally moved all his stuff out.

Of course, upon sobering up the next day, he was "sorry" (but, drinking mimosas with all his bar buddies all day...not like he came to me with any apologies or promises), but the damage was done, and so was I.

Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
Yeah, what sandrawg said... it's really hard to let go of the fantasy that things CAN be different. I know I used to beat myself up horribly for repeatedly going back to my abusive relationship ...and we didn't have kids!! I still have nightmares about going back to him and it's been over 10 years since I laid eyes on him.

I don't know if moving is the answer or not. Sounds like your kids might benefit from some stability in at least one area of their life right now. Perhaps if you focus on creating and maintaining strong boundaries that would be a very healthy model for them as well. Not to mention it would be best for you, too.

Just like an addict who relapses, we just have to get up, dust ourselves off and start again. No reason to beat yourself up. Just do what you have to do. After all, you're probably getting better and better at it so maybe this time it'll stick, eh?

It's okay. It's just a part of learning. ((((Hugs))))
sandrawg is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 08:39 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,726
Filing for, and going through the process of a divorce might might help you put an end to a lot of it. That may sound crazy, but trust me, going through the divorce process will actually strengthen you. That is, if you are truly done.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 09:30 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jadmack25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
To start with, stop with the "blame" and beating up on yourself.....you have already had a bucketful of blame cr*p from Mr Wonderful, so let that all go out the door.

As for how to let go, and stay that way......gee whiz I wish I had the answer to that, as I'd be a very well off woman.....which I'm not.

Mind you, thinking over Suki's idea has me nodding....I guess taking action to divorce, instructing a lawyer, seeing the papers actually before your eyes, and ordering the filing with the court could help. At the least it would not just be sitting in the mud puddle, crying cause you are wet and dirty.....you would be doing something to get out of the darn puddle, and it would send a message to Mr W in more ways than one.

It seems to me that til you decide how you want your life to be, and commit to that ideal....you will remain caught up in the go away/go back scenario.

But first, get off the stage and stop joining him in that duet of blame agin you.

God bless
Jadmack25 is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 09:33 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
tigger11's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
I whole heartedly second what Mike (Desert Eyes) said!
tigger11 is offline  
Old 07-10-2010, 09:55 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Helenlee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
tigger11 I whole heartedly second what Mike (Desert Eyes) said!


Absolutely. Fantastic post Mike. I'm going to print it out & stick it to my fridge because it equally applies to me. Thanks for sharing that.
Helenlee is offline  
Old 07-11-2010, 04:42 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Occasional poor taste poster
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
My thoughts are for your children because I'm sure they could benefit if you stop the cycle now. It's on you to make their environment a healthy one.
Jazzman is offline  
Old 07-11-2010, 04:42 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To me, Mike is right on.
dollydo is offline  
Old 07-11-2010, 07:22 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
T,

I think by having read through all your previous posts you had an 'Aha' moment. I think that is very positive. Very positive indeed. It's always difficult to let go of something when we hoped and hoped that it could and would be what we wanted it to be. For what it's worth, I think filing for divorce would be the next step in putting your old life to rest, so you can truly move forward to having the good life to aspire to.
gerryP is offline  
Old 07-11-2010, 10:18 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks everyone, and thanks to Mike who is very skilled in coupling suggestions with compassion.

I have had that Aha moment, and am walking through all of that today. With the kids home from school for the summer, I have less time to process and figure things out, at least during the day, but today I feel strong again.

thank you to those who acknowledged my childhood, my strength and my wisdom. I was having a melt down last night. thank goodness for this place.

My thoughts are for your children because I'm sure they could benefit if you stop the cycle now. It's on you to make their environment a healthy one.
Jazzman
My children are my first thoughts in everything I do. What I've written here is in no way a full scale disclosure of my parenting or my life and I would think most folks would know that. I am highly protective of them, have put them in therapy and work every day to assure they are safe. It's the biggest reason i'm tortured by this cycle with my AH.

I grew up in an abusive sick home and am doing everything within my power to stop that cycle-for my children. To imply I don't know my parental responsibilities, or that I am not working as hard as humanly possible to keep my kids safe, is offensive. I'm not some dumbass that doesn't know how important it is to keep my children safe.
transformyself is offline  
Old 07-11-2010, 11:51 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
DesertEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hold it peeps. Stop. Right there.

Take a deep breath.

Walk around the block.

Come back tomorrow.

A few suggestions to think about.

1- Trying to change a fellow al-anon is no different than trying to change an active alkie/druggie.

2- Speaking for others when they are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves is one of the symptoms of co-dependency.

So _after_ you all have cooled down, we can try this again. But not for today.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
DesertEyes is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:17 PM.