Callie

I was going to post this in the ddt, but thought others might relate and not see the thread. Please be forewarned that there is alot of self pity ranting that follows...

I have been working crazy long hours (my work hinges on the weather). I've been working my butt off and although very profitable and necessary...I'm tired. Luckily I was by myself today when I had a semi meltdown and cried for about 2 hours, but typical Callie keeps on working because it's the RIGHT flippin thing to do. I am a crop consultant and am out by myself on a 4-wheeler with an ipod cranked. I'm listening to anything from Eminem, ACDC, Nickleback, Eagles, Keith Urban to gospel music. Keep in mind my job is physical and it was 96 degrees today so I could be suffering from heat exhaustion . XAH called today for the first time in a long time and I just lost it...

I'm finding myself VERY resentful. XAH is with his dad in another state. He's going on 5 months clean. He's surrounded by healthy people. He's doing very well, working every day with his dad. He's working out, eating right, quit smoking, quit his horrible Mt. Dew addiction. He's got people left and right praising him for the progress he's made. He's been going to and very active in FIL's church. He's getting ready to enter a 16 week extensive faith based rehab. He's now doing everything that I knew he could all along. He acts different, talks different, looks different.

I've pretty much severed most all contact with toxic people related to him *cough Mil, Aunt, Sister cough* so I'm glad for that.

While I'm happy, glad etc. he's doing so well, I'm also pi$$ed off. I'm mad that I have to be a single parent, I'm mad that I have to work my a$$ off to keep a huge house that WE built, I'm mad that my parents have to step in so much to help with the kids because I'm working such long hours, I'm mad that I do everything here BY MYSELF. That includes fixing garage doors, mowing, laundry, cleaning, kids activities, sports, 4-h. I'm doing everything humanly possible to make sure the kids have a good, normal, fun filled summer. I'm mad that he apologizes, I'm mad that he seems to get it. I'm mad that he's got a church behind him after everything that he did, good people behind him.

I'm mad because when I walked down the aisle, I took the vows seriously. I'm mad because when I became pregnant I knew I would never leave or fail my kids ~ something that he's been able to do. I'm mad because I'm alone, because there is absolutely nobody that I am even remotely interested in to date.

I'm mad because when I pray for peace it seems to falls on deaf ears. I'm mad because WHAT did I do to deserve this? I tried to do everything right. I'm mad at what could have been, what should have been. I'm mad @ what was lost because he couldn't give up drugs. I'm mad that all of the hard work/the hard time that I put in is lost. I'm mad at myself for being so stupid to let this go on as long as I did. I'm mad that I allowed myself to become SO entwisted in a tangled mess that I lost myself.

I'm mad that EVERYONE seems so proud of him for getting clean and doing right, but here I am raising our kids, paying for our house, going to work every day, doing what he should have done. Doing what WE set out to do, but he failed. I almost feel tossed aside. I'm not trying to pull the sympathy card, but maybe the po'd card if there is such a thing???

I like some of Em's songs, my sis bought this cd and let me listen to it. This song immediately jumped out @ me. So true. It makes me so mad at myself for being so stupid to let it go on this long.

YouTube - Love the way you lie -Eminem, Ft. Rihanna

Don't really know what I'm asking for here today. I'm just mad and thinking what could have been if drugs wouldn't have been involved. I'm mad because I can't check out of life like he did when the going got tough. Hopefully this makes some sense @ all.

rayofsunshine

(((HUGS))) Callie. I know what you're feeling. Life's just not fair when dealing with an addict. It's great for him to have people who still believe in him and I hope he truly works his recovery for the long term.

And you are doing a great job!! Just don't forget to take care of you ... and try to get a little rest every now and then. Anger is part of the grieving process. It does get easier with time. Just take it one day at a time.

Callie

Anger is part of the grieving process.

I was listening to a Joyce Meyer Audio CD on the way home tonight and she talked about just that. I know it's part of it, but I'm still ticked!

I also know that as far as the kids, I'm doing what's right and the best for them. It's just hard when you're in the trenches working your butt off to not be mad. Part of the anger is the codie in me... I feel as though ^I^ have been the top fighter in this fight against addiction. Now FIL who has NOT been involved in this but through the telephone is reaping the "rewards" with XAH down there and helping him daily. Don't get me wrong, I know it's messed up, but when you fight for something so hard don't you want to reap the benefits? Again ~ I see my codieness and messed up thinking in this. I'm glad he's where he's @ and getting the help that he needs. I'm just mad that I'm left to manage the homefront by myself.

I don't want this anger, I don't want to carry this anger, but it's there, it's real and I hope to release it soon!

ThatLittleGirl

Callie, you have every right to be mad... I read your post...and I'm thinking...this could be me...you are me!!!! My exah is up here visiting his parents and our girls are spending the night there tonight... And yes, I look at him and right now all I feel is resentment...lots and lots of resentment... But here's what I know... The things that you do for your children... those are memories...and bonds that won't ever fade... And 10, 15 years from now...your children will know what you have done for them...that you were there for them...and it will be a bond that can never be broken. And your exah, he's the one who missed out on that... He's the one who misses the games and events...he's the one in 20 years who won't be able to look back and remember those special times. And in 20 years, when the house is paid off...and you look at it and remember all the hard work... you can be proud of all you've accomplished...all you've earned through hard work and dedication... your exah won't have that. It sucks sometimes not getting the appreciation that's so deserved for all that you've sacrificed to ensure your children keep as much continuity and sanity in their lives as is possible. But that appreciation will come...when your children graduate high school... get married... have their own children... they will know what you've done and what you've sacrificed...and they will appreciate you for the stellar mom you are to them... And in the end, they're who really matter, right????

So, I know... my IL's haven't said a word to me one way or another...they haven't offered anything... And I hate how much my parents have had to sacrifice to help me and the girls through all this... But I know my parents want to help me out...they love my daughters and they want to provide the help that we need right now...they are happy we're out of the awful environment we were living in... And I know that if either of my children need my help later in life, I'll pass it on to them...because that's unconditional love...and that's what parents give their children...

So cry...scream...get it all out...you have every right to feel the anger and resentment that you feel...but know Callie...you're the stronger person...and while it's nice to be appreciated sometimes...God gave your children the best mother they could have ever had...and believe me...your children know it:-)

Callie

And I hate how much my parents have had to sacrifice to help me and the girls through all this... But I know my parents want to help me out...they love my daughters and they want to provide the help that we need right now...they are happy we're out of the awful environment we were living in... And I know that if either of my children need my help later in life, I'll pass it on to them...because that's unconditional love...and that's what parents give their children...


TLG - So true. So very true. I know that I'm the one that they respect and look up too. I'm the one that provided for them. It just pi$$es me off because it was something that we BOTH signed up for. Only #I# am the only one who stuck to the deal. I hate that I've burdened my parents so much. I know they are happy to do it, but still I feel the guilt of that burden. I know you know what I'm talking about. . . Unfortunately

gotahavfaith

Hi Callie and Hugs to you.

You are a great mom and in the end your children will know who was there for them. I understand how hard it is for you tho and I can totally relate to being mad ABOUT EVERYTHING! Sometimes I think we are allowed to have a little pity party for ourselves and it is good to be able to vent to people who can understand.

My AD is in a 6 month rehab right now and I have custody of her 2 young children. I am 48 years old and never ever thought this is what I would be doing at this time in my life. While I am happy that my daughter is getting the help she needs and is doing well, sometimes I too get angry that I am the one who gets up an hour early every morning to be able to get the kids to the babysitter and get myself to work on time. I am the one who has to go straight from work to pick them up and begin the second part of my day. I am the one who tucks them in at night and then does the dishes, the laundry, and cleans the house. I am the one who they depend on. I am the one who makes sure they get to birthday parties, get to go do some fun activities get to see their mom on the weekends, and comforts them when they are sad about their mom not being with them.

So sweetie, I do understand your anger. And it is ok. As long as we don't stay stuck in it, and remember to look for the good in each and every day. You will be ok. You are doing what is right. Sometimes it is just plain hard. Just want you to know that I am thinking about you and you will be in my prayers tonite.

Gotahavfaith :ghug3

ladyhawk69

Mad because everyone picks up "his" pieces while he gets to go to recovery and (maybe) get his $hit straight? You know what makes me mad? That the addict gets to do that...... What if they labeled "tired mother" a disease and WE got to disappear without any financial worry while we got better? I feel your pain..................

Freedom1990

So is all of the above what he has told you over the phone?

Since he's in another state, I'm curious how you know all of the above to be facts?

You know I've been around the rooms of recovery since 1986, and I can honestly say that based on your EXAH's past history, I view the above with a great deal of skepticism.

As far as doing it all on your own and being angry, I can completely identify.

When my youngest daughter's dad showed up on my doorstep announced just shortly after she turned 2, I gave it to him with both barrels.

He didn't even know her name until he was taken to court by CSE for child support and reimbursement of her medical costs.

I let him know in no uncertain terms that I had been doing it all by myself, thank you very much, had been PO'd at him ever since he denied paternity, was still PO'd at him, and likely would remain PO'd for a long time!

The anger did dissolve with time and work in recovery.

Callie

[COLOR="DarkRed"][Mad because everyone picks up "his" pieces while he gets to go to recovery and (maybe) get his $hit straight? You know what makes me mad? That the addict gets to do that...... What if they labeled "tired mother" a disease and WE got to disappear without any financial worry while we got better? I feel your pain.................. /COLOR]

Amen! I am glad to know I'm not alone!!

Callie

I'll take the a##kicking and the encourgament right now

Freedom1990

I have to be careful about taking things and blowing them out of context, as well as believing anything that comes out of an addict's mouth who has a prior track record like your EXAH's, Callie.

Anything that comes out of my 32 year old AD's mouth is most likely a lie, or at least a grand embellishment of any possible truth.

He has people 'praising him left and right'. He's doing 'everything' you knew he could do. He's 'surrounded' by healthy people. He's doing 'very well.'

I used to have thinking like that when I first got into recovery.

Prior to recovery, I was living in the midst of the anger/turmoil/pain/insanity of an addictive marriage, and everything was to the extreme.

That carried over for a long time after I left the EXAH.

Just some food for thought.

Chino

In the DD thread, coffee said something about realizing how basic it is, the need for self. Very profound.

Callie, you found yourself again and it took a fight you had to win. He's hopefully finding himself again too, and it took a fight he had to lose.

You get to be mad and I hope you continue finding healthy ways to get it all out.

sofacat

I feel you Callie...Mr.Sofa is off living in another country and has room service, while I am here trying to NOW figure out why my kitchen sink is backing up into my tub! URGH!!!!

Yes, we have to fix the house, CLEAN the house, pay the bills, fix ourselves, take care of kids, take care of business, service the car, mow the grass, feed the pets, doctors visits and TRY to have fun SOMEWHERE IN THERE...too TIRED to meet anyone new and don't even think I could crack a smile if I did!!!

And if we stop to think about it...we were doing all of that before. Just now we get to do it without a drug addict in the house blowin' all that chaos around.

I'll take door number 2.

Callie

So is all of the above what he has told you over the phone?

Since he's in another state, I'm curious how you know all of the above to be facts?

You know I've been around the rooms of recovery since 1986, and I can honestly say that based on your EXAH's past history, I view the above with a great deal of skepticism.


Hard to convey this online I guess. But it IS as if a switch has flipped with him. I too have went after him with both barrells. He simply takes it, says he deserves it, he's sorry, he'll do whatever it takes to get himself right to be a good father, get a job etc. He consistantly thanks me for what I've done, what I'm doing etc. I'm not trying to toot his horn @ all. I'm not getting an earfull from xah. FIL, his uncle, aunt, cousin, counselors @ the rehab all say the same thing. He's doing very well. FIL is a preacher, so xah has been heavily immersed in religion since going with his dad, I'm sure.

I'm glad for this, but still mad. He's getting praised for stopping something that he never should have done in the first place. Meanwhile I'm holding up the homefront by myself. I'm not wanting a pity party, just venting I guess. I was suppose to go out with friends last night to a lake party. I couldn't go last minute because I didn't get home from work in time. I would have been 1 of 2 single people out of 20. It pi$$es me off because I didn't ask to be single, I didn't want to be single, but I am. I couldn't go because I had to work. If XAH still had his job I wouldn't have to work so much.

CO - you are right, he's got about 2 weeks of clean time by choice. The rest WAS jail. I see him slowly coming back to life, meanwhile I've not stopped clawing to keep mine.

Callie

Callie, you found yourself again and it took a fight you had to win. He's hopefully finding himself again too, and it took a fight he had to lose.

Maybe I'm mad because he seems to be finding himself quicker than I am. He can wrap his addiction into a ball and just not remember most of it. Meanwhile I remember it vividly. I know and understand he lost a heck of alot more than I did, but why did he wait to find himself when it's too late for us or our family.

SR I know their are no answers here, I'm just venting my frustrations I guess. Most everyone on FFSA has had to pick up the slack that their addict can't/won't carry.

tjp613

How's that No Contact thing going?

Callie

How's that No Contact thing going?

Um yea. Apparantly not so well. If I'm truthful though it will probably never be no contact completely. We do have kids together.

Chino

What he's found so far is sobriety and he's a very long way from finding himself. Meanwhile, he's getting all sorts of praise and encouragement from a whole bunch of people for being sober.

And you feel ignored. Well, you are ignored for the most part. The squeaky wheel gets the grease and you're not squeaking.

If I want and need validation, encouragement, I have to ask for it, find it.

Callie, if he truly finds recovery this time, it will be because he's finally working the program you wished he would. If you aren't doing the same for yourself, you'll remain stuck while he moves on.

ladyamalthea

I kinda know what you mean, Callie. My situation is totally different, because the addict in my life is my sister, but I often find myself resenting her for several reasons, even now while she is off of heroin: 1. She gets to live with my parents and have no responsibility while I have a normal, adult life, which means bills to pay, plenty of stress, and lots of responsibilities. 2. While I'm sitting here at almost 275 pounds and a type 2 diabetic because of my compulsion to overeat, since food is my doc, she's a whopping 120 pounds (probably mostly bc of her drug use, but still). 3. My parents are on her side right now, and as far as I know hate me for not choosing to commit a felony to hide her. So I have, for the moment, lost my family to her problems. Why should I continue to be put in tough situations just because she made bad choices?

And as much as our friends may try to make us feel better, sometimes we just want to be mad for a little while, to let that emotion pour out of us so we don't have to keep it bottled up.

I, for one, truly admire you for continuing to be a source of consistency for your kids. I know that can't always be easy!

ladyhawk69

The one good thing about him wrapping it all in a ball and forgetting about it and you remembering?? Remembering all the bad and using it as your trump card to get through YOUR recovery. Look at your kids while they are sleeping in their beds, looking like the little angels that they are and think......."Do I need anymore praise than that?" Because IMO you don't. You are a wonderful mother taking care of your children in the most difficult time in your life. HUGE Cudos to YOU!! He would not be capable of that, but YOU are, all by yourself. HE is the one needing the praise and the pat on the back for what???? NOT getting high??.......................ugh God bless you!