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new here and here's my story

Old 07-10-2010, 01:10 PM
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new here and here's my story

I just thought I'd share my story about how I came to where I am currently at right now. It's a long one so feel free to skip to the end lol. I'm just really looking for support, people who understand what I'm going through, and a place to go when I have no where else and my addiction consumes me through and through. Here goes...
My DOC is opiates. I grew up being taught that drug abuse was wrong, drinking was wrong, smoking was wrong etc. My parents are very much active church going people in the lds church. We were the type of family that would have a bottle of lortab sitting in the cupboard for months, something that I can't even imagine doing right now. I knew that they were something people took to feel good but I never tried it for myself until I was 23 years old. I have 2 aunts that have been addicted to pills and I always looked down on them and wondered why they "can't just stop". I got married to a wonderful man at the age of 22 and my story with opiates starts then. About a year into our marriage I got the flu really bad, went to the doctor and was prescribed something called hicotuss. He said morphine derivatives were very helpful for a cough not really thinking much of it. I filled my scrip, took as prescribed and finally was able to rest. Later on when my husband returned from work he saw what I was prescribed and said "maybe I should take this just for precautionary purposes". I knew that he didn't need it and he had a history of using drugs in the past. Not wanting to start anything I agreed to it and so I then shared my cough syrup with him which lasted probably 3 days. I didn't abuse it then, but I was introduced to the possibility and the opprotunities just kept presenting themselves from then on. The next opiate opprotunity came a few months later when we were in a movie and my husband pulled a cap eating milk duds. We took him to quick care and they prescribed lortab 7.5's. THis is when the abuse began. He said take two and see how you feel. So I did and it was euphoria unlike anything I had felt. Over the next year we would go several months at a time without using but whenever we had them in our possession we would each pop 2 or 3. We would never have any left over, but it wasn't a problem to be out at that point. They were gone and we wouldn't obsess. I then fell pregnant with my daughter in late 2008 and obviously didn't use at all until her delivery. THey gave me demerol in the hospital and already liking opiates it was an amazing feeling. I was also prescribed about 50 lortab 7.5's and my husband took half of that bottle. THat was an agreement we made, which probably should have never happened, we would split half of whatever we were prescribed. THose were gone and it still wasn't a big deal. My husband knew of a kid that sold lortab 10's for $4 a pill and we would occasionally purchase a few each but I would say it was every other weekend, maybe longer. The real trouble started when my daughter was about 3 months old. My husband started a new job at a personal injury law firm and became close with a couple of clients and he would jump at the opprotunity when pain meds came up. He would say how much back pain he had been experiencing and these clients would offer him some of their pills. These meds happened to be oxycodone 30's. THey told him to take half at a time, but of course he would pop one or two. I didn't realize what I had been missing out on until I popped one of those. Those are why we are both where we are today. It started out as we'll do it "just this once", to "just this weekend" to "I will take whatever I can get my hands on, just to feel normal". Those made 7.5"s pale in comparison and I never felt the same rush again from hydrocodone. I would say I have been using most days than not from about January/February of 2010 until July of 2010. We dipped once into oxy because one of the clients from his law firm realized the huge profit he could make from his injury pills and got into drug dealing. So what was once a free oxycodone 30 every now and then became a $10 every oxy 30 habit and once he was out of those he traded in his car for 2,000 oxycontin 80's. One of his clients he used to get them from won't give them to us anymore because he sees what it has caused. So we have been left with a decision. Quit now or continue down an even more destructive path. Of course your heart tells you to quit and when your high and used your last pill and feeling on top of the world. YOu feel like it will be a lot easier than it actually is. I hate that I've become the girl that opens bathroom cabinets very quietly searching for family members or friends medications, that will go into a quick care making up some lie about back pain hoping to come out with a prescription, that goes against anything I have ever been taught for a couple hours of escaping. But I have, we both have and I fear the future. I don't know if using together is something that will hinder us or help us in the end. My parents have no idea, but I am on the verge of being discovered I think because I'm not myself and I never have & and have had to borrow on occasion because the habit comes first. If any married couples out there have gone through quitting together out there, advice would be so much appreciated. I know we have been enablers to each other and we both want our 15 month old to grow up with normal, sober parents. It's just a matter of getting there. I think at my personal worst I was using anywhere between 30mg of hydro/oxy (whatever I had) to about 150 mgs. Depending on the day. So that is my story, thank you for reading if you have come this far! I am currently spending the next 2 weeks in Alaska with my sister and have been here for a week already. THe first week I managed to get ahold of some tramadol, which basically made me think I felt better just because I had taken something and my husband happened to have a refill of hydrocodone 5's that I was able to transfer up here. Those 30 were gone in 2 days. So I am on day 2, almost 48 hours of nothing except a couple shots of alcohol (I have NEVER been a drinker) to take the edge off. My husband just mailed me 2 oxycontin 80's that probably won't get here until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week and my heart says that if I've made it that far to just throw them out. My mind says, you've already spent the money just take them. I already feel like complete **** and my sister has me here to help her organize her new house. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. I've literally forced myself to load the dishwasher, vacuum the carpet, do the laundry etc. however, I have this amazing opprotunity to be thousands of miles away and get away from it all. That is even harder though because my thoughts and feelings of if I don't use I'm going to go crazy, just one pill...just ONE would help, those I can't escape from. Even getting up feels like torture on my bones. Honestly though, typing all this out helps, even if just a little. I know that I haven't been addicted for years and years but I am still going through something that feels like the worst thing in the world to me. I don't want to be this person, I want to feel normal again, but I don't want to experience the pain along the way to get there. I know I have to though. I HAVE to do this or I feel like everything that I love in this life will be second to my habit. It has already been that way for too long. I could use any encouragement, advice, anything. I would really like to know how long the withdrawels will last? Have any of you used with your significant other and had a successful recovery? (that is something that scares me the most) I haven't had any professional help or sought counseling or anything. I'm basically trying to do this on my own, in secret. I know that is a hard, hard thing to do. I have resentment toward my husband for introducing me but I have my own free will. I don't have anyone to blame but myself and only myself to get me to stop. With some online support along the way. Thank you all for reading!
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Old 07-10-2010, 01:18 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad that you are trying to get off the drugs and good for you for getting 2 days clean. I really think you should talk to your dr about the withdrawls and work with him.

Recovery is really hard and it seems to me that trying to do it with your husband could complicate things. It really is such a personal journey.

I will also say something you probably don't want to hear, but using alcohol to get off drugs is not a good way to begin recovery.
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Old 07-10-2010, 01:34 PM
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Welcome to SR! I too would suggest not using alcohol to take the 'edge' off cause alcohol has an 'edge' of its own and it's really sharp.
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Old 07-10-2010, 02:11 PM
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You two are right and honestly it didn't help much and I don't really like the feeling. One reason I have never been a drinker. I just need to stop the "anything will help" thinking. Plus I am becoming severely depressed and anxious, which is probably caused by the withdrawls. I haven't seen anyone because I don't want to be "exposed" but at this point I need to do anything possible. I know what I need to do but the mind is a very powerful thing.
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Old 07-10-2010, 03:29 PM
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Addiction is a powerful disease and the shame of addiction often keeps us sick for a lot longer than we need to be. And, I speak from my personal experience about that. I hope you do whatever it takes for you to get sober.
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Old 07-10-2010, 05:12 PM
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Hi workingdbd

Welcome

Please consider seeing your Dr about this, or an addiction counsellor? Or consider NA or some other proigramme?

I know most people feel ashamed, so they want to do this in secret - but the burden of the secret, along with the burden of trying to get clean, can sometimes be too much. It was for me.

It sounds to me like you need help and support, and you'll find that here, but you need it in real life too.

It's the fight of your life, so why not get all the reinforcements you can get?

I agree with what others have said - do not lean on alcohol - it will suck you in and you're likely to end up with two problems. It's much better to seek professional help.

Please feel free to also check out our substance abuse forum
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D
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Old 07-10-2010, 06:55 PM
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Thank you for all the helpful advice. I know you all have been down this road and know what worked for you. I would really like to avoid telling my family, but i'm open to treatment. My parents are dealing with the burden of two of my siblings and things they've done, one including drugs. I just feel like it would be another huge disappointment. It has helped being far from my triggers, the mental aspect is harder at times than the physical, but here I don't have to work, I'm away from our dealer and I'm forced to face this head on. The advice about the alcohol makes a lot of sense. I can count on 10 fingers how many times I've drank in my life, it's never been my cup of tea but I can really see how it would be bad with my addictive nature. It's just hard trying to out on a good face, take care of my daughter and go through this at the sane time. However, I invested in some immodium and Tylenol, took the kids out despite all the feelings of NOT wanting to and I feel somewhat better. I kbowi have a long road but better is better. I will be tempted for forever probably but I can honestly say I don't ever want to go through these withdrawels again! My church has an addiction support group that meets on Sundays, my husband a couple months back said he didn't think we needed to but he probably feels differently now. If he doesn't go I think I will. I need to find other ways to cope with my stress. Pills have always been there and it's hard to imagine life without them but this needs to happen! Thanks again.
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Old 07-10-2010, 07:14 PM
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Welcome, workingdbd! I'm an alcoholic, but I probably could just as well have gotten addicted to pills. You're right that it's not easy at first, which is why seeing a doctor could really help ease the transition (maybe an addiction specialist?)

Whether it happens slowly or quickly, our DOC can really take over our lives, as you said. I'm glad you see it happening and are willing to take steps to stop now. With drugs and alcohol, it can only get much worse if we continue.
We're here for you!
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