Frog in the Hot Pot No More
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Frog in the Hot Pot No More
Sometimes when I think about the past 6 years from when my AH relapsed I think about the old frog in the pot story--the one where if a frog is thrown in boiling water he'll jump out, but if he's sitting in room temp water and then the heat goes on and the water gets gradually hotter, he's too stupid to jump out and will die in the water that gets gradually hotter and hotter.
In a way that's how I've felt the past six years have been, with me as the frog. Here are some of my mile markers of the past 6 years. Keep in mind that I had spent years in Al-Anon but stopped going when AH was RAH between 1999 and 2004.
1) AH relapses: I'm thrown for a loop--kids expect me to leave. I don't--I want to wait it out for a while.
2) I refuse to go to bars with him, but after I while I go, partially because I'm hungry for a fun night out myself and partially because he has me, as my therapist calls it, "in a trance."
3) I go to therapy every week. My therapist thinks I should leave. I don't.
4) We refinance the house and cash out $20k. I tell my therapist I'm afraid he's going to p*ss away the $20k. She says, "he will."
5) He does
6) He demands that I get another $40k for his business or he'll have to go bankrupt. He can't get credit on his own. I get the 40k.
7) He does get credit on his own (stupid underwriter!), and he needs me to cosign a loan for $80k. I do it.
8) 80k is gone in 4 months. He pays minimum payments.
9) His business is unsupportable with his accounts receivable at this point. Because I've cosigned, I am now the one paying $2000 a month to cover his debts (I know that's "enabling" but I still need to keep my options open credit-wise.)
10) I am still going along on a roller coaster between sanity and absurdity.
11) By now, the kids are adults and the past six years have developed into AH creating a family drinking culture. In spite of the underlying sickness, everyone adores our family and thinks we're so lucky. I admit I am lucky, but this outward appearance makes it difficult to make tough choices.
12) I quit my job because it has been my dream to be a freelancer. I was in great shape when I quit, but due to my AH reliance on my support for his business debt, and because we got his mother to buy the house next door, with my cosigning that too, I have to liquidate my 401k.
13) MIL moves next door--another link on the not-so-golden handcuffs. I love my MIL, and now if/when I leave, I feel I'm abandoning her too.
14) I'm now officially broke, despite being a six figure earner. I shop in thrift shops. He buys news. I put off buying glasses. He buys rounds at the bar. He's proud of himself for giving me half of what little he brings in. I'm happy to get it.
The reason for this long post is to remind myself of how hot the water has gotten in my pot.
It's not a self-pity story--in fact, I am starting to feel really good, pretty stable emotionally, and pretty clear-headed. I'm very grateful the good in my life. I can see the milemarkers going in the opposite direction:
1) I have maintained a strict budget since October 09, and paid down $30 worth of debt.
2) I have set boundaries for what I am willing to pay for and I stick to it.
3) I am getting closer to that state of detachment that Meister Eckhart describes as the soul being like a hinge in a door. The door may swing, but the hinge is immovable.
4) I'm planning an exit strategy.
I have a long journey to go, but I know I'm headed in the right direction this time.
In a way that's how I've felt the past six years have been, with me as the frog. Here are some of my mile markers of the past 6 years. Keep in mind that I had spent years in Al-Anon but stopped going when AH was RAH between 1999 and 2004.
1) AH relapses: I'm thrown for a loop--kids expect me to leave. I don't--I want to wait it out for a while.
2) I refuse to go to bars with him, but after I while I go, partially because I'm hungry for a fun night out myself and partially because he has me, as my therapist calls it, "in a trance."
3) I go to therapy every week. My therapist thinks I should leave. I don't.
4) We refinance the house and cash out $20k. I tell my therapist I'm afraid he's going to p*ss away the $20k. She says, "he will."
5) He does
6) He demands that I get another $40k for his business or he'll have to go bankrupt. He can't get credit on his own. I get the 40k.
7) He does get credit on his own (stupid underwriter!), and he needs me to cosign a loan for $80k. I do it.
8) 80k is gone in 4 months. He pays minimum payments.
9) His business is unsupportable with his accounts receivable at this point. Because I've cosigned, I am now the one paying $2000 a month to cover his debts (I know that's "enabling" but I still need to keep my options open credit-wise.)
10) I am still going along on a roller coaster between sanity and absurdity.
11) By now, the kids are adults and the past six years have developed into AH creating a family drinking culture. In spite of the underlying sickness, everyone adores our family and thinks we're so lucky. I admit I am lucky, but this outward appearance makes it difficult to make tough choices.
12) I quit my job because it has been my dream to be a freelancer. I was in great shape when I quit, but due to my AH reliance on my support for his business debt, and because we got his mother to buy the house next door, with my cosigning that too, I have to liquidate my 401k.
13) MIL moves next door--another link on the not-so-golden handcuffs. I love my MIL, and now if/when I leave, I feel I'm abandoning her too.
14) I'm now officially broke, despite being a six figure earner. I shop in thrift shops. He buys news. I put off buying glasses. He buys rounds at the bar. He's proud of himself for giving me half of what little he brings in. I'm happy to get it.
The reason for this long post is to remind myself of how hot the water has gotten in my pot.
It's not a self-pity story--in fact, I am starting to feel really good, pretty stable emotionally, and pretty clear-headed. I'm very grateful the good in my life. I can see the milemarkers going in the opposite direction:
1) I have maintained a strict budget since October 09, and paid down $30 worth of debt.
2) I have set boundaries for what I am willing to pay for and I stick to it.
3) I am getting closer to that state of detachment that Meister Eckhart describes as the soul being like a hinge in a door. The door may swing, but the hinge is immovable.
4) I'm planning an exit strategy.
I have a long journey to go, but I know I'm headed in the right direction this time.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
It would appear that if you stay, nothing is going to get any better. He has you wrapped around his little finger. But, that is your choice, you are in control of you.
Going back to meetings might help..why not give it a shot.
Going back to meetings might help..why not give it a shot.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Wow, thank you SoloMio, for the reminders to keep separate finances! I never heard the frog in a hot pot analogy before and I am grateful to you for sharing it. That is one image that is going to stick with me for a long time.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Dollydo, I know I need to get back to meetings, and that's part of my exit strategy. I know what a wimp I've been, honestly. That's why I've just started understanding what my therapist said when she told me I'm in a trance when it comes to AH. If someone else told me this story, I would absolutely think, how crazy to put up with that?? What the heck is wrong with you! When I said I'm more stable emotionally, I meant that I accept my part in this dance.
Interestingly, writing that post kind of fired me up, so it it was the WRONG TIME for AB to call me. Here's how THAT conversation went:
AB: Hey, how's it going? I'm living in Manhattan now. I had to leave [my brother's house]. I just prefer New York, know what I mean? [subtext, DB threw me out on my a$$] I'm going to be getting a job soon, and right now I'm staying with someone who's charging me not much at all.
Me: That's good
AB: Hey, you know how you gave me $100 last winter and I paid you back real quick?
Me: Yeah
AB: Well, could you send me $100? That would really help a lot.
Me: I'd like to, but to tell you the truth, I'm broke. I'm waiting for a couple of checks from clients, but I have no idea when they'll come. To tell you the truth, I'm worried about how I'm going to pay for my travel expenses for my next job.
AB: OK. So, could you make it $70?
Me: I don't think you heard me. I have had to cut off the gravy train for my husband and my mother-in-law. I'm broke, get it? I don't know when I'm getting more money in. I can't afford glasses. My insurance is lapsing. I HAVE NO MONEY TO GIVE.
AB: OK. (pause) So, could you do $50?
Me: No, I can't. You are living near the Bowery Mission. If you need food, I've volunteered there, and I know they are great.
AB: No. I don't need food. I get $200 in food stamps.
Is this surreal, or what? But, I'm glad he called right after I had written that post, because otherwise, I'm afraid I might have actually sent him the money. But on the other hand, I do feel my attitude has really shifted, and I can no longer justify throwing others a lifeline when I'm the one who's drowning.
Interestingly, writing that post kind of fired me up, so it it was the WRONG TIME for AB to call me. Here's how THAT conversation went:
AB: Hey, how's it going? I'm living in Manhattan now. I had to leave [my brother's house]. I just prefer New York, know what I mean? [subtext, DB threw me out on my a$$] I'm going to be getting a job soon, and right now I'm staying with someone who's charging me not much at all.
Me: That's good
AB: Hey, you know how you gave me $100 last winter and I paid you back real quick?
Me: Yeah
AB: Well, could you send me $100? That would really help a lot.
Me: I'd like to, but to tell you the truth, I'm broke. I'm waiting for a couple of checks from clients, but I have no idea when they'll come. To tell you the truth, I'm worried about how I'm going to pay for my travel expenses for my next job.
AB: OK. So, could you make it $70?
Me: I don't think you heard me. I have had to cut off the gravy train for my husband and my mother-in-law. I'm broke, get it? I don't know when I'm getting more money in. I can't afford glasses. My insurance is lapsing. I HAVE NO MONEY TO GIVE.
AB: OK. (pause) So, could you do $50?
Me: No, I can't. You are living near the Bowery Mission. If you need food, I've volunteered there, and I know they are great.
AB: No. I don't need food. I get $200 in food stamps.
Is this surreal, or what? But, I'm glad he called right after I had written that post, because otherwise, I'm afraid I might have actually sent him the money. But on the other hand, I do feel my attitude has really shifted, and I can no longer justify throwing others a lifeline when I'm the one who's drowning.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
SoloMio, it sounds like you've reached a crossroads. Yes, it took you a while, but better late than never. I too suggest going back to al-anon.
I broke up w/ my exab 3 months ago. Weekends are hard for me-I feel kind of lonely. It's not like I couldn't get dates if I wanted them, but I feel completely NOT ready for that. I mean, I spend most of my time working and the rest of the time posting on SR lol
The first thing I thought when I felt lonely was not, I need to contact my ex! It was "I need a meeting"! That's how much I am being helped by them. You could seriously use a support network right now.
And your conversation with your brother - WOW. Just, wow. It shows perfectly how an active alcoholic is totally incapable of thinking about anyone's needs but their own and shows why WE as codies need to stay firm in our boundaries and refuse to enable. Kudos to you for staying strong! Hang in there.
I broke up w/ my exab 3 months ago. Weekends are hard for me-I feel kind of lonely. It's not like I couldn't get dates if I wanted them, but I feel completely NOT ready for that. I mean, I spend most of my time working and the rest of the time posting on SR lol
The first thing I thought when I felt lonely was not, I need to contact my ex! It was "I need a meeting"! That's how much I am being helped by them. You could seriously use a support network right now.
And your conversation with your brother - WOW. Just, wow. It shows perfectly how an active alcoholic is totally incapable of thinking about anyone's needs but their own and shows why WE as codies need to stay firm in our boundaries and refuse to enable. Kudos to you for staying strong! Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Thanks for sharing that story, SoloMio; I can relate. My situation isn't quite as drastic as yours, at least not yet. My AW of 29 years has always been in charge of the money, paying bills, etc. (She used to be an accountant, so it made sense at the time.)
After she had to quit working due to her OCD, we scaled back on our spending, but not enough. Problem is, she never bothered to tell me it wasn't enough. She was giving me a certain amount of cash each week for walking around money, and I was dutifully spending it. We also bought a lot of clothes, books, gadgets for our daughter, etc. What I didn't realize was that she was loading up credit cards without telling me. When one got maxed out, she did a balance transfer to a new card.
I should have known... I should have checked, but I didn't. I was stupidly clueless until my L.L. Bean card was rejected, and I found out what had been going on. By then we had run up well over $100,000 in credit card debt. And yes, I'm very embarrassed.
We took out a second mortgage and bought ourselves some time, and then her drinking started becoming a real problem. We're trying to stay on a budget and spend within our means, but she's probably spending well over $150 a month on alcohol. That may not sound like a lot, but it would be enough to pay our electric bill, or cell phone bill.
I'm trying to figure out a way to ease her away from the checkbook, but I haven't quite figured that out yet. I know I should just man up and do it, but right now, it doesn't look that simple from where I sit.
Anyway, your story gave me some inspiration and encouragement.
Thanks for that, and good luck.
After she had to quit working due to her OCD, we scaled back on our spending, but not enough. Problem is, she never bothered to tell me it wasn't enough. She was giving me a certain amount of cash each week for walking around money, and I was dutifully spending it. We also bought a lot of clothes, books, gadgets for our daughter, etc. What I didn't realize was that she was loading up credit cards without telling me. When one got maxed out, she did a balance transfer to a new card.
I should have known... I should have checked, but I didn't. I was stupidly clueless until my L.L. Bean card was rejected, and I found out what had been going on. By then we had run up well over $100,000 in credit card debt. And yes, I'm very embarrassed.
We took out a second mortgage and bought ourselves some time, and then her drinking started becoming a real problem. We're trying to stay on a budget and spend within our means, but she's probably spending well over $150 a month on alcohol. That may not sound like a lot, but it would be enough to pay our electric bill, or cell phone bill.
I'm trying to figure out a way to ease her away from the checkbook, but I haven't quite figured that out yet. I know I should just man up and do it, but right now, it doesn't look that simple from where I sit.
Anyway, your story gave me some inspiration and encouragement.
Thanks for that, and good luck.
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