lightseeker

Now it is my son and it feels like a whole new ball game. I am so used to being here in connection to my own co-dependency and my husband's sobriety.

I am needing help in setting appropriate boundaries and consequences for my almost 17 year old son. When I caught him in January smoking pot he had gotten pretty into it. I was hoping that we had nipped it in the bud. He had consequences, lost privileges, and seemed to embrace earning back trust and doing the right thing. Wednesday night I got a call from the director of the lacrosse camp that he was attending. My son was caught smoking pot in the bathroom. He was by himself and no one else was involved. Of course, he was kicked out and we had to go and pick him up. The director chose not to call the police which I'm not sure was for the best in the long run.

Anyway...I am feeling really sad and weary right now. When I got the call I was up at a major medical center getting a second opinion on my younger son's health issues. That was tough enough and then to get that call.

What advice do you mom's have at this time? What kind of guidelines should I be following? What should I do or not do? I feel like I am back at the drawing board. He has lost car privileges (except for work) and has to pay for camp.

I really don't know which way to turn.

Freedom1990

After my youngest daughter ran away at 15, and ended up a ward of the state for 17 months, the counselors and I sat down to discuss a behavioral contract before she was released back to me out of the foster home.

It was spelled out very clearly what was expected of her in the home, and the consequences.

There were times she had a roof over her head, food to eat, and not much else. There was no tv, and certainly no internet access on my computer, period.

What are you currently providing for him...anything like a cellphone?

I'd strip his privileges to the bare minimum...warm bed, food, hot water for a shower.

I had a similar situation with my now 32 year old AD where she stole the neighbor's new truck in the middle of the night, and they didn't press charges. *sigh*

I'd also make darned sure he isn't bringing pot into the house.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I feel your pain.

ladyamalthea

I'm not a parent, but I can tell you from watching my parents enable my sister that the last thing I would do is allow him to have any kind of free time for now. I gather from your OP that he has a job? Maybe you can give him a nice, long list of chores that he needs to complete so he has plenty to do when he is not at work. And I definitely agree with freedom that he should have very little, if anything, in the way of priveleges right now. He knows from prior experience that you will be giving him consequences when he makes bad choices, and he made a bad choice. If you go backwards on that, he'll only think he got away with it.

And please do make sure he's not hiding anything like that in your home. I would even consider going so far as warning him that you're not afraid to call the police if you catch him using again.

suki44883

I agree with all of the above regarding removing privileges. I would also periodically search his room and his car to make sure he isn't hiding anything. If you find anything, call the police and have them come out and have a little talk with him. Sounds harsh, but he's very young and now is the time to make it crystal clear to him that so long as he lives in your home, there will be NO drugs.

URMYEVERYTHING

I agree with all the above but I would also get him into a rehab/IOP program for substance abuse to address the issue professionally and so that he can be around a group of his peers and learn from them. Not to smoke but to get educated on drug use and the consequences that are to come. He is 17 so this is easier to do now before he turns 18. I would cut all means to contact that he has. If he has a cell phone....take it away. Take away the car. Have him take random drug screens (supervised) as the home kits can be diluted and not kick back accurate results.

I'm sorry you are going through this again. Keep your head up. You know you are in the right place.

keepinon

These are all grat suggestion..none of them worked for me.. not rehab, not punishment, counseling, chores etc. If he is hellbound on smoking, drinking, etc. it is the same as with any other person..YOU are not in control..he is. Unfortunately in the eyes of the law he IS your responsibility. I would go to Alanon, get MY boundaries in place and some serenity to boot! Good luck.. it is really hard when they are this age.

Spiritual Seeker

sending some support
I know how difficult it is to see a son go down the path you do no want to see him going down. May you find a way to alter the situation for a better outcome.

Nerdgirl

Keep up the good work. Drawing attention to the fact that his behavior has consequences is really all you can do to deter him.

BTW I especially like the car thing, but be prepared for him to lie and say he's going to work just to get the car - I know that I did! My dad used to check the odometer before and after.... When I was his age I dabbled in drugs and alcohol to escape from my miserable, abusive, controlling home life. Your son may have reasons of his own, and counseling probably can't hurt.

In any case, he's nearly 17 and if he wants to use he's going to use - you both have to be prepared for escalating consequences for the choices he makes.