NightandDay

hello everyone.

can't believe i'm posting to total strangers for comfort/advice, but i am so filled with anxiety it is hard to get through the day.

my bf went into rehab a week ago for his painkiller addiction. he went somewhat willingly after we had an intervention where he freaked out and then after no one would really talk to him for a week, he came to me saying he wanted his life to be different and asked me "what should i do?" that is when he agreed to go to treatment.

i thought his being in treatment would give me a sense of relief, but it hasn't. before year before he went in was just awful, filled with car crashes, lies, withdrawals that he called the flu, periods of time where i could not reach him, and another girl. he had told me that this thing with the other girl ended months ago, but i always had my suspicions because i could never get him to talk about it with me, event though i asked a lot of questions.

well now that he's gone, i've found out a lot of stuff about him that i wish i didn't know. i was the one who spearheaded this rehab thing and got everybody in his life (parents and best friends) to start talking together about all the problems we saw happening. it was a huge effort. and i did it because i love him and have known him for almost 12 years (since i was a teenager) and he wasn't always a drug-addicted jerk.

i guess the main issue i'm dealing with right now is that we broke up when we were about 24 and i started seeing someone else immediately and fell in love. he says this destroyed him and ruined his life and how could i fall in love with someone else? but i always cared about him even though i had another man in my life. well, my addict has always used this against me and i've felt so guilty. i have bent over backwards to make it up to him. so he has cheated on me time and again but i always catch him cuz he is a sucky liar. god, i'm rambling, i dont' even know. . .

the bottom line right now is i found out more **** since he's been gone and i feel like i'm just sitting here in the outside world waiting for him to call and drop some big bomb on me. he's never been fair to me, always called me bad names when i couldn't give him all my love. . but he's had plenty of other relationships, and even fallen in love too, i think. but he couldn't EVER admit that to me. instead i get raked over the coals. and now i'm worried that yeah, he's got a drug problem, but maybe it's not the drugs that make him act ******. maybe it's that he sucks.

anyway my days go on and on like this and i cry a lot but get no relief. i meditate and do yoga and am in therapy and i feel like a failure because i just can't see that he's bad for me. how can i cut him out? i feel like i deserve a huge ******* apology.

hello-kitty

Hi welcome. This is the time for you to focus on yourself and your own recovery from dealing with an addict boyfriend. Do you know anything about personal boundaries? What kind of behavior are you willing to accept in the future from him? What are your deal breakers? What are you going to do if he relapses when he gets out.

The 3 C's are very important when it comes to someone elses addiction:
You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.

But you get to choose what you do with your life from here on out.

What do you want for your future?

NightandDay

hi hello kitty.

thanks for your response. those are all very good questions for me to think about. i think i will try to find an al-anon meeting nearby; my therapist has been encouraging me to go and i think i really do need to be around other people who have been through what i'm going through. your response was so direct and to-the-point. i feel like when i talk about this issue with my friends it goes round and round in circles and because so many of our friends are mutual friends, my end gets a bit lost in this.

one thing i wanted to ask though, when you said "do you know anything about personal boundaries?" i am not sure what you meant by that exactly. . . i mean, what did i write originally that made you ask that.

my deal breakers are dishonesty. lying. but i don't see how you can ever learn to trust an addict again; all they do is deal in lies and self-deception.

NightandDay

the reason he is in my life still is because i finally got him into rehab and THEN i found out about a bunch of more lies. when he was using, there was really no way for me to get him to be honest. surely you must know something about that? and let me not be hypocritical -- honesty with this man in particular is something i have a VERY difficult time with. because when he hears something he doesn't like, it gets dramatic very quick and i always have to backpeddle. so i am guilty of not always telling him the truth too. but i am a very truthful person! i suppose i am holding out hope that once he is clean he will want to be truthful too. but it's a double-edged sword. . .

i feel as though i'm losing my sense of self and self-worth. i am not the type of person who normally gets walked all over!

i'm confused right now because he went to treatment. that is good. then i found out more stuff. that is bad. but he's in treatment and i can't talk to him. so i don't know what to do. because i'm furious. and i know that the treatment can probably help, but i feel like i have to keep biting my tongue and never getting any apologies for all the stupid crap i've gone through. because it's always about HIM. HIS PROBLEMS.

but doesn't it seem kind of unfair for me to say i've had enough now that he's actually trying to get help? but i am SOOOOOOO PISSED. and i'm also fearful that he is gonna call me up from rehab and say something like, "look, i figured it out and i can't be with you because of x, y, and z" and i know the point shouldn't be who leaves who first but REALLY i can't live with that. i've been giving him the benefit of the doubt. everyone says you can't blame drug addicts or trust them to act like normal people because they are diseased. i was going to break up with him a thousand times and then i realized i had to help get him into treatment.

i had a friend die of a heroin overdose 2 yrs ago because no one did anything. surely there has to be a balance between cutting someone out of your life bc they are a drug addict and loving them enough to get them help? he IS in treatment right now.

thanks everyone for listening. i feel bad talking about my problems publicly for some reason.

Christen

Welcome to SR. It sounds like this is a good place for you considering your situation. Listen darling, bottom line- do what's right for you. I can't tell you to stay with him or leave him. But it doesn't sound like he has ever treated you right... And you deserve so much more. I can't tell anyone how to get over a broken heart. I'm glad to hear that you're meditating and doing yoga. It shows that you're doing something for yourself. Keep taking care of yourself. Use this time that he's away to really think about what you want and deserve. I hope this helps.

Freedom1990

Sometimes drugs get too much credit.

Some people are just lying manipulatve a$$holes, period.

Get thee to some Alanon or Naranon meetings in order to start healing from the effects his addiction has had on you.

You may never get a sorry or an apology.

It's not his job to make you feel better. That's an inside job you can take on.

I never did from my EXAH, and life went on.

See if you can get a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You should be able to get a cheap used copy on amazon.com.

Another good read is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm glad you found us.

You are among friends who understand.

hello-kitty

Your friend didn't die because no one did anything about their heroin addiction. Your friend died because he/she didn't do anything about his/her own heroin addiction.

We cannot stop addicts from using drugs. We can't save them from killing themselves. It's unfortunate but it's true. If we could, none of us would be on this website.

We are not that powerful. People only get better when they choose to get better and they have to do a lot of hard work once they make that choice.

You say that you feel like you are allowing yourself to be walked all over. If you had personal boundaries, You would not feel this way, because you would not allow that kind of treatment in your life.

My boundaries go something like this:

I value trust and honesty in a relationship. I value respect. Therefore, if you lie to me, if you cheat on me, or if you are disrespectful to me, I will leave the relationship.

I value personal responsibility. I am responsible for managing my own life. Only. I will only be in relationships with people who can manage their own lives.

I cannot fix broken people. That doesn't mean I don't care but I will not enable you to stay broken by trying to "help" you to get better. I will let you solve your own problems.

I think al-anon will help you immensely. Keep reading and posting here.

Also, google personal boundaries. The results of that search may provide you with some direction.

NightandDay

thanks you guys. i am really glad i started posting here today. i got in touch with a friend who has been in AA for a few years and he hooked me up with his friend who goes to al-anon. she is going to take me to my first meeting tomorrow.

i really appreciate all the support and advice. funny thing, i found a copy of "codependent no more" in the stairwell of my apt building only a few months ago. it was in the "give away" pile and i figured it looked like something i should have. so it's already on my bookshelf, though i haven't yet read it!

just sucks because i thought this guy was just one of the good ones who took a wrong turn somewhere down the line, you know? i'm not a perfect person either and i would be nowhere if it weren't for second chances and hard work. so i try to give the same to others. but i am definitely co-dependent. . . always have been, really.

really, it's wonderful though that i just came on here today and people are so responsive! helps immensely so thank you to all of you taking the time to guide me a bit. . . it means a lot.

URMYEVERYTHING

Instead of waiting on him to drop the bomb on you.....drop him one and get rid of the jerk. He abuses you emotionally and yes.... he sounds like he sucks.

Maybe it's just me... but... I have been through the same thing you are going through. I sacrificed myself to help some addict who could care less. I believed the lies and got sucked into the emotional manipulation chaos. I finally decided to get off that emotional rollercoaster and I feel wonderful about my decision.

My only regret to leaving my addict..... I should have done it sooner.

Hang in there. Remember to take care of yourself and detach from him. If he's sincere about recovery he can do it without your help.

fourmaggie

BOY, if I do not remember anything in AL ANON, its the 3 C's I remember always....

Please take this time FOR YOU...go to AL ANON...detach HEALTHY...u know, detaching is ok and you can still love/care for that person...that is the great part....

This is YOUR time....take this time...grow from this...dont worry about anything else but YOU....dont react to his behaviours...in NA(Narcotics Anonymous>>>their big book) they say just this "they lie, cheat, steal and manunipulate and even give you ultimatums..(eg..IF you love me ______..)to get what they need...MORE drugs...its always more..."

read...and read...and read some more....

find a Nar ANON near you..if not, maybe AL ANON....

hello-kitty

Read the book!

:-)

And keep coming back here.

You sound like a wonderful, special person. Keep working on yourself. Emotionally healthy people attract emotionally healthy people. I know that a truly good guy will come along for you. One who is truly good just the way he is. Not one who could be good... but took a wrong turn somewhere along the way...

dollydo

Meetings and the book, great start to your recovery. That is what it really is about, your recovery from codependency. He is responsible for his recovery from drugs. He can't heal you and you can't heal him!

Baby steps, left, right, left, right.

tjp613

Hi NightandDay and welcome to SR!

I'm here because of my addicted son. When he finally went to rehab I was soooo happy!! Especially after the family program -- I learned so much and I think he did too. But sitting here a year later, I realize that rehab is just a good start to a very long recovery process. It takes a LOT of commitment for a LONG time and my son just didn't get that. I still have hope that he will some day. (And BTW, he went under similar circumstances as your BF.) I'm still glad that he went because he learned an awful lot and had the opportunity to hear and visit with many successful, recovering addicts. So it's not like rehab was a waste -- he'll always have that knowledge -- but I see that he wasn't really ready. He was using again within 3 weeks of his release (and we were on vacation for one of those!) and he's still using. I haven't spoken to him in two months because I've had enforce my boundaries and he didn't like it one bit.

My point is this: rehab is great but it's not magic.

Also, if you feel in your gut that you really can't continue a relationship with him based on the entire history, including this new stuff you've found, then by all means you should break up with him now. Actually, while he's in rehab is a very good time for it to happen while he has the support of his counselors and group. The loss of your relationship is "just another casualty" of his choices! Not just the drug abuse choices, but because of his dishonest and lack of respect for you! One of the biggest things they address in rehab (and AA) is HONESTY. But because they are who they are, it's a hard lesson to 'get' much less put into practice.

My son is most definitely a habitual liar. It took me 4 years before I finally figured out that I cannot believe ONE SINGLE WORD that comes from his mouth. It's so sad!!! Rehab didn't cure that. Meetings didn't cure that. It's a survival tactic for him now and he knows NO other way. I don't expect that to change about him for a very, very long time -- if it ever will.

I offer this strictly to share my experience. Just be cautious about putting too much confidence in what can happen because "he's in rehab". Take this time to reflect and define what you really want your life to look like and be HONEST with yourself as to whether or not he fits into that picture considering everything you know about his character -- not the fantasy you have planted in your mind.

I'm glad you've found SR and Al-anon and magically found the book! (how weird is THAT?!) Let us know how you're doing!

hello-kitty

My son's father is a habitual liar and cheater - and that doesn't go away when he is sober. He still lies. He still cheats. He's a sick person who doesn't know how to function in reality. And he self-medicates with drugs. But when he's not self-medicating (by using drugs), his character flaws do not just go away.

Liars and cheaters are not good people to be around. They make US sick emotionally. And we need to respect ourselves enough to put a healthy distance between us and them.

Please make wise choices for yourself in regards to the character of this man. He doesn't need you to recover from drugs, if he wants to recover. He can do that on his own.

And it doesn't matter what he says or what he will say in the future. It only matters what he has done. And what he will continue to do into the future.

Actions not words.

We are here for you. What do YOU want out of life?

NightandDay

i tried to attend 2 al-anon meetings that were recommended to me yesterday but neither of them actually happened! it was frustrating but i am still going to get myself to one. it might not happen till later in the week though. like dollydo said, "baby steps." i am trying to not beat myself up for not immediately finding another meeting and getting there. . .

i have been reading a lot on the internet about personal boundaries and also other people's posts in this forum. i have to say, this website is really special. everyone is so supportive and it's such a nice relief and change. thank you everyone for your responses and sharing your stories! it's so human and so touching. it means a lot to me.

one of the things i'm having a hard time with i may have touched on in one of my last posts. . .it's ME. i recognized sometime last year that i had to change my relationships-- i mean friendships, family relationships, and romantic relationships. all of them were causing me so much pain! i had so many expectations and none of them were being met and i was angry all the time, feeling worthless, wondering why the world didnt want to respond to me better. feeling like i was just born "wrong." so i started in mind-body therapy with a therapist i really liked in january.

i know this is typical codependent stuff.

but in terms of my romantic relationships, i've had a really hard time. you know, i call this guy my boyfriend, and he is and i love him very much, but i am the kind of person who isn't comfortable alone. so i have my boyfriend, and then i have my ex-boyfriends, who are always a part of my life. i really rely on them to still love me and help me do things and spend time with me, and sometimes it leads to having a sexual relationship with them again. . .sometimes my heart is in it, sometimes not. so you see, i am certainly not perfect. for a while i thought that i was polyamorous, and no disrepect to poly people, but i think that was just a way for me to try to manipulate the situation with these guys and tell myself that what i was doing was okay, even though it was emotionally destructive to me. another thing is i've always prided myself on my honesty, which is why i'm having so much trouble with the bf's behavior. though i have had these other relationships, i admit them to all parties involved. i guess in hopes of controlling but also in the hope of maybe having some consequences? finding clarity?

so the reason i'm so bent out of shape with my bf is whenever i would have discussions with him, opening up about what i saw as a dark side in me and my flaws, the insults that came back were just unbearable. "****, *****, you're going to be a terrible mother, you were sent here to make sure i commit suicide" --- these are the things he has said to me when i tried to admit to him parts of myself.

i am committed to living an examined life. . for me there is no other way, i would be miserable otherwise. ha, i am sort of miserable this way too, but i know i am in the thick of it right now (not that the process ever ends).

anyway, this guy, my bf who is in rehab. . . . god, i know it's gonna be a long road for him. just as it is for me. and that is kind of depressing. i would like to think that 2 people who have so much sensitivity and who struggle so much would be able to support each other. i don't know. . .

what i'm feeling right now is that it's too much for be to be in a romantic relationship with him because it makes me so on edge, i feel so nervous about what he is thinking or feeling or doing. . .

i think i will write to him in rehab. . because i do need to start setting some boundaries. i am just not entirely sure what to say. i will always care and be supportive of him, but i need to stop feeling so bad about myself since i can't be perfect for him and i can't stop/control his drug use.

what i want from him is love and respect no matter if we are together or just friends. and if we are just friends, i want a real friendship! we had that once when we first met (12 years ago at this point) and i dont' want to be told that i'm a bad person for not being able to be what he considers the perfect girlfriend.

maybe all of this is moot thought since he is still in the early, early stages of (hopefully!) recovery. and see, that is how my thinking circles back on itself-- "he is just starting recovery, what do you expect?" and then i don't see the proper time/space to convey my feelings. I KNOW I GOTTA LET GO OF THE OUTCOME!!! but it's terrifying. i'm not ready to just leave him & cut him out of my life and to say so would be a lie.

i'm just trying to figure out how to set some boundaries though because things do need to change. FOR ME

hello-kitty

Only time will tell whether he is committed to recovery. I gotta tell ya, that something like 97% of people who go to rehab don't stay clean when they get out. It can take years of hard work to figure out how to stay clean on the outside.

Anyway, this isn't about him. He's going to do what he's going to do. But I think that self-improvement and boundaries for oneself are always appropriate, no matter what other people are doing.

As far as boundaries go, the first thing I did when I started writing mine was to make a list of my values.

• I value honesty.
• I value respect.
• I value faithfulness.
• I value helping people who are less fortunate.
• I value leading a healthy life.
• I value living life to the fullest.
• I value taking care of our planet.

And then I compared my values to the reality of how I was living. It was pretty sad because what I valued was NOT reflective of the lifestyle I was choosing.

Then I set boundaries (with consequences) based on my values. And I wrote my boundaries (and consequences) down and stuck them to my mirror so I would be reminded of them everyday.


Examples:

• I value honesty.
  • I will try to be honest in my relationships with others, even if it's hard and I'm afraid to do it because of the way they might react.
  • AND I will not be in a relationship with someone who lies to me. If someone lies to me, I will distance myself from that person and stop hanging out with them.
• I value living a healthy lifestyle. Therefore I will not hang around people who use drugs. I will not allow drugs in my home. If someone brings drugs into my home, I will ask them to leave immediately. If I SUSPECT someone is using drugs, I will ask them to leave or I will leave the situation.

At first it took a lot of effort to live by my boundaries because I had to change my behavior. Now it's much easier.

You know, if you are finally able to find a 12-step alanon meeting that actually happens, working the 12 steps REALLY helps you examine your life and, more importantly, take action to improve it.

NightandDay

hello-kitty -- this is great!

i AM going to try to find a meeting too, don't you worry.

for today, i am going to make this list and then see how my living reflects or denies my values and then i think i will post it here.

outtolunch

Worthy of repeating....

outtolunch

Addicts and alcoholics are sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, wives, husbands and significant others. In other words they all have people who care about them, moreso than they care about themselves.

They all took a wrong turn, somewhere along the line.

sofacat

"...because things do need to change. FOR ME"

That's an excellent place to start.

My X is addicted to opiates as well. I would have to say the BEST moments of my life with Him were when he was in rehab. He was open, and honest and CLEAR. It was nice, but short lived, unfortunately.

In the end, I had to start to look at what is NOW instead of what COULD BE.
I found myself always waiting around for "the day".
10 years of my life went by waiting....and he is still taking the pills...
with or without me.

Good that you are in the "me" stages of your life. It's a journey, but good that you're here. We're all with you, and we all get you.