mercurial me

This just isn't fair.

I had x17 days of sobriety in June and slipped and until tonight another x10 days of sobriety in. I came home tonight and some door to door fraudster was patrolling our neighbourhood trying to sell vacuums. He came to my house and I could spot him a mile away not being legit and casing the place. I called the cops.

Soooo, the cops show up and actually catch up with guy on the other side of our cul-de-sac. Good for them. Then one of the officers comes over to my place to pay me a visit.

I had been charged with a criminal offense by this officer years ago (2002). What I did I'll admit could have been perceived as "morally compromised" but not illegal by our court system. The arresting officer has forever held a grudge that I "got off" although back in the day I hired council and fired my bullets and the charge was dismissed.

While waiting after the charges were laid in 2002 and until the trial I drank heavily to control my anxiety.

So this arrogant cop shows up tonight because he was in the neighbourhood and asked me if I was "behaving myself." I could have destroyed him if my job didn't require me to have a clean record.

After he left it was like my Jeep automatically drove me to the liquor store. Here I sit, with my bottle of milk thistle trying to salvage my liver and going to AA meetings every other night and this arrogant civil servant had to drop by and take me back to 2002.

I blame no one but myself for this latest slip. At times though it does feel like this disease will do anything & everything to pull you back in. On my 6th beer tonight but going to stay sober tomorrow. I'm better than this and not going to die from liver failure. The past is the past but somebody railroading my sobriety is infuriating. Props to all the people here who have been tougher than me to maintain their sobriety while facing their past.

Dee74

Resentments really are poison to an alcoholic merc.

There will always be people who annoy us, or are unfair, or even hostile to us. It's a fact of life for most of us.

We can't change them - we can only change ourselves and how we react.

Drinking over it is letting them win.

Don't let them win, merc.
D

JennyMac

What Dee said Merc. Pick yourself up and tomorrow is another day. It's hard to let go of some things but you must and one of those is letting this cop having control over you.

You can do it.

mercurial me

I know you're right. I promise I won't drink tomorrow. What a disaster of an evening. Please don't judge me any less. I see all of these threads of these amazing people with more fortitude than me who get x2 weeks, a month, x6 months, a year + sobriety in and it's equal parts inspirational when I make it through another day & demoralizing when I slip.

I'm under the influence here so I'd better sign off. No offense meant to anyone in the law enforcement field either. I like police but this particular officer is just a redneck idiot who is a sore loser

Thanks

onestepforward

Keep on trying. It isn't fair, but is an arrogant cop worth your sobriety? You drove to the liquor store. You will choose to get and stay sober. Please post tomorrow and let us know how you're doing. Take care. You ARE better than this, and that cop.

artsoul

You're going to be OK merc - you can do this. Stop and think about all the positive things you have to be grateful for, including your 17-10 days of sobriety and SR.

Each day you stay sober is a victory and you're worth every bit of work you put into it. Drinking is just a knee-jerk reaction, not the real you. Next time come to SR when you first feel that anger rising.

Hang in there!:ghug3

Snarf

Merc, I don't really feel that I have any more "fortitude" or strength than the next guy. What I do have, however, is a Higher Power onto whom I can put all my anxieties, fears, worries and resentments. When I feel myself getting worked up, especially over other people, I can say to my Higher Power (to whom I choose to refer as God), "You know what? I'm having some problems with this. This person or issue is causing me to feel uneasy, and I've got too many other things to worry about to allow this to bring me down. So I'm putting this problem on you, and I know you'll work it out for me in whatever manner it needs to be resolved."

I think if I were any "better" than any other drunk, I wouldn't feel those anxieties and fears and whatnot. But just like anybody else, I do feel those things, which can lead to the urge to drink. But before it gets that far, I try to recognize the things that are troubling me, and that's what my HP is here for. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." To me, that refers to all people and things. If something is upsetting me, and I can't change that "something," it's time to put it on my HP and let him work it out. Because if I can't change it, there's really no reason for me to allow it to bother me.

Good luck to you, Merc. I hope you'll be able to get out of this horrific cycle.

augustwest

i've been there and done what you did in the past. i'm certain you recognize the insanity in getting back at the man by hurting yourself. you don't have to drink, no matter what happens. no matter who insults you, what job you lose, which woman dumps you, who dies...no matter what.

Perhaps you could try going to AA every night instead of every other night, and get a sponsor and work the steps! just a suggestion.

growbot

Seventeen days is very impressive, and I'll bet you could do it again. Just ride on that personal gain to do it just one more day, and the day after that. It's easier said than done, I know.

Don't let cops bring you down, they are humans just like you and I. It's better to stay out of trouble and stay enlightened than stay in trouble and stay incarcerated.

Maybe you could occupy your time studying civil rights/liberties and sociology, society can be a really intriguing thing. And the best part about it is figuring out why it's so messed up. =P

CarolD

Glad to know you are re-starting sobriety.

I found this helped me in my early days.

least

You own your sobriety, don't let anyone else mess it up. I'm glad you're getting back up and starting over.

Anna

Yes, the disease is relentless, but you can live a sober life. Be proud of the sober days that you have!

And, as Dee said, resentments are toxic and they will feed your disease.

I hope you continue to read and post here.

keithj

Wow. This guy has owned you for 8 years now. Must be exhausting to be so dominated by the world and its people.

There is freedom possible for you, Mercurial, provided you are willing to take certain actions.

augustwest

ouch. while a touch abrasive in his delivery, keith's post is spot on.