Nerdgirl

So, since we desire no contact with my heroin addict SIL and BIL my FIL has upped the ante. FIL has recently said that he will not attend any events where his drug addicted children are unwelcome. It appears that FIL is (by his choice to insist on keeping company with addicts) going to remove himself from contact with our kids. This is not going to be pretty, but there can be no compromise on our no contact position when it comes to active addicts.

We will support the addicts in recovery but not in addiction, and we will not be supportive of FIL's Codie behaviors. I'm unhappy that things are going this way, but I knew it was coming. Thanks for letting me share.

Chino

Hang in there and we're with you

suki44883

It's his loss.

Hammerhead

:ghug3

ladyamalthea

Sounds like you and I have some similar situations going on... except that my addict is my sister. So you're more like in the position of my husband, I guess...

My dad and your dad seem to have a lot in common. I'm sorry we're in this boat together, but I'm glad I'm not alone on the ride

I hope you continue to hold to your standard on this one. Nothing is worth compromising your values, especially when the stakes are this high.

Nerdgirl

Standing up to the manipulative BS is really tough, but we must do what is best for our kids. If my FIL tries to force his will on us, well that just isn't going to happen....

dollydo

He has made his bed, now he must lie in it. If he condones the behavior of addicts it really is best that he does not have alot of contact with your children. Just my two cents.

I am in your corner.

hopeful4

He will be sorry, you will not. We all know that is codie behavior to the extreme. He is making a choice. Those who are addicted WILL hurt him, and he will realize how much he has hurt everyone else. For whatever reason, it is the same for a codie as it is with a substance abuser. We hit a limit where we decide we absolutely cannot take it anymore, or we will die. He has not hit his yet, but he will. One day he will realize he is being used and abused and has made a choice to support the wrong set of people.

Stay strong and know you are doing the right thing. For you to allow him to force you to change would be wrong. Detach from him and his issues right now too as he is not thinking straight, just like a user does not. Keep that in your head each time you hear him trying to pull something like this.

Good Luck and God Bless and Stay Strong! :ghug3

keepinon

I have been exactly in your shoes. My kids grandparents didn't see my kids for over 11 years.. they are the ones who lost out. My SIL got clean by the way.. the family is still very sick..they never got recovery. My advice is hurry up and tell FIL and see how much easier life becomes!

coffeedrinker

it is sad that your children will be missing out on some family relationships. but if fil has such messed up thinking, having him have a significant role in their lives is probably not healthy for reasons other than just the sil/bil issue.

my brother is estranged from our mom. my brother saw our mother for the sick and selfish woman she was prior to recovery. he wanted to insulate his children from her and her ways.

now she has been sober for many years, but their relationship was never repaired. he just has never trusted her. but when his children got older, he talked with them about their grandmother and, although i don't agree that forgiveness and reconciliation should be sought, i respect that he was putting his own mental health and his children's in first place. those children of his understand that he wanted to keep toxic people out of their lives.

sojourner

nerdgirl: Consider this a blessing in disguise. Since fragmentation is a hallmark of addiction (even codie addiction) then the chances that your FIL would cause fragmentation between your children and you (in VERY subtle ways) by making you out to be "mean mommy" or "mean daddy," are very realistic. I know, i speak from experience on that one. For instance, if your children were in the company of your FIL without your being there (gone to the park, his babysitting your kids, etc) and your FIL makes a point of your kids seeing their addict uncle without your knowing it, etc. By your FIL removing himself, he has removed a lot of problems in your life.

Nerdgirl

I just talked with my husband about how insane my FIL's argument is. What grandfather in his right mind would want his young grandchildren exposed to not one, but two intravenous drug addicts (with all the lying, stealing, and risk of accidents that goes with that)? Only an insane person would think that this is a good idea..... He is being a codie, but I'm glad this was his choice.

I can't stand FIL, codependency issues aside, but I would never, ever besmirch him in front of my husband or kids. It's sad to think that I couldn't expect the same level of respect from my in-laws. No matter what I'm the mother of my children and God has entrusted them to my care because He knows that I would take the best care of them.