Sammypoo456

Ok so i haven't posted in awhile, but i have stayed reading.

my abf got kicked out of rehab about a week and a half ago, for drawing pictures during class, well they said he could come back, but in three weeks. So when i found out he was on the way back home i moved some things of mine and my sons back home. So were staying there. Im so confused. I know personally i made the right decision and im not even thinking about moving back in with him.. but he is going back to the rehab when he can, thats what he says, and he has been doing good since he got out, but then again his parents babysit him all day. When one is working the other has him and then they switch off. I personally have this way of thinking that if he wants to use he will so why do they do that, but anyways his father won't let him come to my house or even be around me cause he says its my fault and im the problem. Well keep in mind we still have a son together, so therefore the only time he sees his son is when he is with his mom, which sometimes she gets off way to late. so i get so mad that im still raising the baby by myself, and how am i the problem. I have no addiction what so ever!! but his dad is a pot head and my xabf use to get weed from him. so really who is the bad guy. i am rambling i know, but i don't know how to feel. We fight all the time, cause were both just so hurt. He is doing good and i told him we could keep talkin and work things out from a distance, so i don't end up getting hurt again, but to him thats not good enough. I need to come home blah blah blah.. its so much!!

i just needed to vent!

suki44883

You don't need to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. He still has rehab to deal with and then a lot of work to do after that. You have a child to take care of and your baby doesn't need to be around people fighting all the time. I raised two babies by myself and while it can be tough at times, it is still the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Hang in there.

ladyamalthea

Sounds like you already know most of what I would tell you, but here it goes anyway...

1. I have never heard of someone getting kicked out of rehab for drawing pictures. As a teacher, I know from experience that some people need to be able to fidget, draw, whatever to be able to focus. Sorry, but this story sounds off to me.

2. If they kicked him out, why would they want him back? Usually if they think someone is bad off enough that they need to kick them out, they won't want them back to risk the well-being of other patients. Just saying...

3. Good for you for not moving back in with him! If he gets too comfortable, he'll never make any kind of effort to get better.

4. Don't worry about his parents thinking you're a bad influence... this sounds like something my parents would say, and my parents are constantly looking for ways to villainize the rest of the world so they can keep up the delusion that their daughter (my sister) is an absolute angel. It's just typical codie talk... be careful of taking it too seriously. You don't want to get sucked in.

5. Of course working it out from a distance is not good enough for him... he's still not thinking clearly. I found with my sister that, even after she had been off heroin for a few months, she still often thought like an addict. He's still too close to his problems to see how they are affecting you (probably even to care, for that matter), no matter how much he claims to "get it."

I'm so sorry he's trying to pull you back under. Be strong for your child. Keep moving forward, no matter what! You can do this.

ladyamalthea

Oh, and my parents babysit my sister all day too, every day, especially now that they are out for the summer (both are teachers). Saying he's able to stay clean while they are with him, if his parents are anything like mine, is probably about like saying he stays clean while he is in a padded cell with his only contact with the outside world being 100% monitored. I would really caution you in judging his progress by anything he does while he is not making his choices on his own accord.

*hugs*

Hammerhead

Ditto...ditto...ditto.

People will believe what they want to believe... just because someone chooses to ignore the facts doesn't make them right.

Take care of you.

hopeful4

Getting kicked out of rehab for drawing pictures seems a little much. Maybe drawing pictures and not participating?? It will only work if he WANTS to be there and is participating, maybe that is why they made him leave. I would call his counselor and speak with them about it. I talked to my husband's counselor a number of times when he was in rehab all of April. I know he encouraged hearing my side of things and it was good to hear his perspective also of how my husband was doing. It gave me encouragement. He also said the important words that I have to take care of myself while he is there, that it is just as important as my husband being in rehab.

One thing I regret is letting my husband come right back home. For a week before he left he stayed w/his family. I should have made him do that when he came home also as it takes them a while to get back to life and it was an extremely hard time for me. I think A person should stay away from them until they are on their feet and living life again, but that is just from my own perspective. It gives you time to focus on yourself, your healing and your children w/out having to question how your spouse is doing, feeling, using, etc.

Good luck and God Bless. I hope this helps in some way.

Sammypoo456

well we have talked to the preacher and counselors and thats the real reason.. its a christian based and very stict rehab. they said he can come back cause he did nothing wrong, but basically they had to show him consequences.

And i have already contacted the custody courts and we have a date set up the end of this month. I am going to keep my distance. My xabf is also on heirone and he doesnt seem like he is in the right state of mind and everyone has told me it would take time. I know he has been clean but i feel the same way. They watch his every move so how would we really know that he is going to do it by himself. and i am glad to be raising my son away from that. I'm a better mother and can concentrate on myself and my son. I just wish that my son also could see his father. I believe he is going to come tonight to see him. I want my xabf in his life as long as he is sober and does actually go back to this rehab faciltiy.

Thank you for all the help.. I really needed to talk to someone about it, i felt like i was about to go crazy keeping it all in, because im the strong one in the family so everyone expects me to be ok and im not.

hopeful4

Well, what a relief that he was telling the truth. Rehabs do have rules and they are serious about them, especially this one it seems. That is good. I am so happy to hear you say you are going to focus on yourself and your son. In my opinion..I would have rather my husband not ever be around my kids than have put them through letting them see the way he has acted under the influence. You are doing the right thing. All good things take time. He did not get this way overnight and he will not get well overnight. He is going to go back, that counts.

Good Luck and God Bless to you and your family!

Sammypoo456

thats what im trying to do. Thats why i want his father in his life. I didn't have my dad and both my parents and then some are addicts. I know how it feels to grow up and be around it, thats why i said if he is still using then he wont be around. I don't want my son to grow up around that, but while he is doing good and still planning on going back to the program, i want them to have a relationship.. Right now he doesnt know whats going on and i thank god for that. Because if my xabf cant get it together now while our son is still young i know that he can't be in my sons life.

Trust me all the decisions i have made have been based on my son. I stayed with this guy for 3 years and 2 1/2 of those years he was using and i know i should have left seeing how i did grow up around it, and i left my mom when i was 14, but for some reason i didnt, until my little guy came and i got up here and realized what the hell i was being stupid and i left! im proud of myself, and i know without the support of yall and my family i couldn't have done it. but it is a tough road and i still pray everyday that he stays sober, but thats not my priority anymore. My sweet baby boy is.

outtolunch

Could you consider raising the bar a wee bit, here? Any guy can be a bio dad doing what animals do. A father puts the interests of his children before his own. This starts with making sure they are provided for and in this economy, it often takes two working parents to make ends meet.

His actions have consequences. His child is one of those consequences. He is responsible for supportig his child for the next 17.5 years. That's what fathers do.

If he will not take care of his financial responisbility to his child, what purpose does it serve to have him in your baby's life? Choosing dope over his son says it all.

ladyamalthea

One thing that just caught my eye as I was scrolling up was you saying you are having a hard time because you are the strong one in the family. And man, I know that feeling. But you know what has helped me to get past that pressure? I have realized that right now isn't about strength and weakness. Right now is about optimal survival. And so by not reverting backwards, I'm not just being strong. I'm doing what I have to. When I take the emotional shades off and see everyone else involved for what they are, my decisions become a lot easier. I know it's hard, but if I can do it, I know you can.

And I agree with outtolunch. Your son won't know he's missing his father for a good long while, and you know what? I am willing to wager that he would feel less pain if he never met the man than he would if he saw his old man in action. Or knee deep in the results of those actions. I know kids need a mother and a father, but in this day and age, so many have only one or the other, and you will be able to find ways to help him cope with that if it comes to it. But right now, if it was me, I would not be allowing him to be anywhere near that child, because he really hasn't done anything to show he's ready.

SlvrMag

This is what I was thinking.

bluebelle

I think the best thing for your son is to continue to work on yourself and on your life with your son. As someone else said, at this point, what has your ABF done other than be a sperm donor? It is one thing to create a baby. It's another thing entirely to be a father. It sounds like your ABF is not doing well. It sounds like he is a child--having to be babysat by his parents. Anyway, he's going to use if that's really what he wants to do. It seems like he is unsure now as to what he really wants. If he really wanted sobriety, than wouldn't he have stayed in the rehab no matter what? I'm not trying to upset you. I'm just saying that the best thing for your son is for you to be with him in body and spirit. Hold him and be there for him. That's what you can do and what you can control. You have no control over his father. There's nothing you can do to change the father or to make him be a better father.

Christen

It's ok to ramble. It happens. I'm sorry abot what you're going through. But it sounds like you're sticking to your boundaries. You are willing to work things out at a distance. I'm proud of you. And the stuff he's saying- you're exactly right, it's only blah blah blah. If he wants you, he will adjust to your boundaries. I wish you the best. Stay strong.

Sammypoo456

thank you for all the replies and support.

Right now i do know that he has done nothing to be a dad and i know i bust a** while he really does nothing. But some part of me still wants him around him only if he is sober and wants to be there. He wants to be there but his parents don't want him around us cause they say we make him upset cause he misses us.. Its crap if you ask me and at this point im not worried about his parents, im worried about my son. I know what i have to do and im damn sure trying. My son is my top priority and i want my xabf to be there but there are certain conditions and i have let him know that.

about the job thing, he isn't gettin a job right now cause he is going back to the rehab he was in. Now its only like two weeks left for him to go back, so there is really no point of him working. I understand that and personally his folks and mine are helping me financially while he goes to this rehab.

I want to say thank you again for everything. I don't get upset when i read the post anymore cause i know its the truth. deep down i know i would be saying the same thing to someone else. and if it wont for yall i would have never gotten out of that house and started opening my eyes, like i should have done a long time ago.

coffeedrinker

sammy,

i am glad you are making your son the priority in your life. of course we all want certain relationships for our children, but wanting something even really badly, doesn't make it so.

i would just reiterate what some of the others have said. the single most harmful thing to do to a child, is to allow them to know and love them, and then to abandon them.

it is more harmful to a child to be abandoned by a parent, then to lose that parent to death. way harder, since they understand that if a parent dies, it's not about them, and how unloveable they must be.

i would try and put any relationship with the sperm donor on the shelf. if he gets sober for real, and if he can demonstrate responsibility, courage, honesty, selflessness, then at that point, can you consider allowing him to actually have a relationship with the boy. it's crucial, in my opinion.