I want to stop.... but
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: albuquerque, new mexico
Posts: 63
I want to stop.... but
I'm 27, I come from a father that was an alchoholic (now a non-drinker) I would not say a recovered alcoholic, and a mother who has abused alcohol in the past and continues to drink to this day. I'm broken right now and typing this makes my eyes water and my heart heavy. I hate the person I've become and the person I see everyday in the mirror. I recently got convicted of my first DUI, how it was my first is beyond me. I started drinking when I was about 6 or 7 I believe. I can't remember all the details but that's pretty close. I've been a binge drinker since I was probably 12 years old. I remember by the time I turned 21 I was so tired of being hungover that I actually stopped drinking. God how I wish I had never started again....... My heart hurts so bad, I feel so sorry for myself, which I find ridiculous. I read the entire alanon book when I was about 16 or 17. I attended AA with my ex husband at 25. And yet I sit here this morning knowing that I just drank less than 12 hours ago..... Stopping seems like an easy choice somedays, and others I think I'm kidding myself to think that I'll ever be able to stop. I want to recover, I want to like the person I see in the mirror, I want, I want, I want.........
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 142
Hi jmj7dd,
First off, welcome. Sounds like you have had a rough go of it. Good news is that wanting NOT to drink more than wanting to drink is a great foundation. No time like the present to get started! You can turn this around and begin to like your reflection
There are so many wonderful people in the SR community to help you along - so keep posting.
Wishing you well,
Pork
First off, welcome. Sounds like you have had a rough go of it. Good news is that wanting NOT to drink more than wanting to drink is a great foundation. No time like the present to get started! You can turn this around and begin to like your reflection
There are so many wonderful people in the SR community to help you along - so keep posting.Wishing you well,
Pork
Sobriety Date: Feb 2009
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Osaka, Jpn
Posts: 389
Hi, jmf7dd!
Welcome to SR! You are staying just right place in the internet. Read and write here intensively! You get any help from anything possible, SR, AA meeting, doctors and counselings. One day at a time! I have binge drink over 30 years then quit. I know what you mean.
Welcome to SR! You are staying just right place in the internet. Read and write here intensively! You get any help from anything possible, SR, AA meeting, doctors and counselings. One day at a time! I have binge drink over 30 years then quit. I know what you mean.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Sorry for your pain jmf7d. Seems like you really want to stop. Do you have any support systems in place?
Its just awful being powerless over alcohol. I believe all of us here can relate to your feelings of depression and helplessness. You have to want to get control of your life and stop the madness. Your so young. It's an awful way to live life. Dig deep jmf7d and please get the help you need.
Good for you reaching out. You'll find alot of very kind and helpful people here that are going through the same battle! Pull from their strength.
Its just awful being powerless over alcohol. I believe all of us here can relate to your feelings of depression and helplessness. You have to want to get control of your life and stop the madness. Your so young. It's an awful way to live life. Dig deep jmf7d and please get the help you need.
Good for you reaching out. You'll find alot of very kind and helpful people here that are going through the same battle! Pull from their strength.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Hi JMF, a hearty, warm welcome to you, this is as good as any to start your recovery. I am sorry for the childhood u experienced and I hope that we all can help to make a difference in your life.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the SR family!
I too wanted to stop drinking but couldn't seem to stay sober for too long. I was told that I'd be able to stay sober when I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, and that day finally came.
Perhaps you can ask your doctor for help in getting started on a sober life. I was given Campral for the first few weeks and it helped with the cravings. Either way, ask for help, either from your doctor or go to a few AA meetings and ask for help. It IS possible to stop drinking and stay sober but sometimes it takes outside help.
I too wanted to stop drinking but couldn't seem to stay sober for too long. I was told that I'd be able to stay sober when I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, and that day finally came. Perhaps you can ask your doctor for help in getting started on a sober life. I was given Campral for the first few weeks and it helped with the cravings. Either way, ask for help, either from your doctor or go to a few AA meetings and ask for help. It IS possible to stop drinking and stay sober but sometimes it takes outside help.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Wow JMF....that's an impressive amount of honesty for your first post.
---- check
---- check
---- check
---- check
---- check, check and CHECK (I found it silly of myself to feel that way too - I mean, I caaaaaaused it!?)
---- check --> that one was a toughie - trying to figure out which side was right (I can stop / I can't stop). I discovered, however, that I had really never successfully maintained the "I can stop" decision. I was always working on the "I can control it" theory - with little to NO success. That's when it hit me I wasn't ABLE to stop -- even though I still kinda thought I could. There just wasn't much proof that it had ever worked or lasted.
---- God already LOVES that person you see in the mirror. Maybe it's time you start taking some action to get to where you can feel the same.
One of the pitfalls I find myself in all the time is that I get to thinking that I can think my way into a better mindset. I want learn, be taught, or meditate myself into feeling better about myself. Sorry to say - if it's worked, it doesn't work well or all that often. For me, I HAVE to be doing stuff that's indicative of someone who loves himself: I had to do my best to put the bottle down. I had to go and get help to keep the bottle down (uggh....haaated having to do that one). I have to watch what I eat and not indulge even when I feel like it. I have to try and put other people's needs ahead of my own. I have to work on my faith and trust in the God of my understanding. I have to do my best to let go of all the control I think I have of my life and know that God is better suited to pilot me to my destiny. I had to surround myself with other ppl who were trying to do the same thing themselves. etc etc....
^^Just some suggestions. I pray you find your way. Remember, YOU are not a bad person. Maybe you've done some bad things and you were wrong for doing them........but that doesn't make you a bad person.
I'm (feeling) broken
I hate the person (I feel) I've become
My heart hurts so bad
God how I wish I had never started again
My heart hurts so bad, I feel so sorry for myself, which I find ridiculous
Stopping seems like an easy choice somedays, and others I think I'm kidding myself to think that I'll ever be able to stop
I want to recover, I want to like the person I see in the mirror
One of the pitfalls I find myself in all the time is that I get to thinking that I can think my way into a better mindset. I want learn, be taught, or meditate myself into feeling better about myself. Sorry to say - if it's worked, it doesn't work well or all that often. For me, I HAVE to be doing stuff that's indicative of someone who loves himself: I had to do my best to put the bottle down. I had to go and get help to keep the bottle down (uggh....haaated having to do that one). I have to watch what I eat and not indulge even when I feel like it. I have to try and put other people's needs ahead of my own. I have to work on my faith and trust in the God of my understanding. I have to do my best to let go of all the control I think I have of my life and know that God is better suited to pilot me to my destiny. I had to surround myself with other ppl who were trying to do the same thing themselves. etc etc....
^^Just some suggestions. I pray you find your way. Remember, YOU are not a bad person. Maybe you've done some bad things and you were wrong for doing them........but that doesn't make you a bad person.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
jmf7dd,
Oh, how I can relate to that. So many want to stop, but are unable. That life seemed the only normal one for me for so long.
I though that after my first DUI I would wise up and stay sober. That didn't happen. After a fairly short time, the pain and humiliation of that faded, and I was once again trapped in the obsession of alcoholism. I spent a few more years chasing the delusion that I was in control, that it would be different this time. It never was different, only worse and worse.
There is a solution. If you've spent some time in the rooms of AA, then you've heard the phrase 'rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.' That statement is 100% true in my experience.
quote aabb1st
Oh, how I can relate to that. So many want to stop, but are unable. That life seemed the only normal one for me for so long.
I though that after my first DUI I would wise up and stay sober. That didn't happen. After a fairly short time, the pain and humiliation of that faded, and I was once again trapped in the obsession of alcoholism. I spent a few more years chasing the delusion that I was in control, that it would be different this time. It never was different, only worse and worse.
There is a solution. If you've spent some time in the rooms of AA, then you've heard the phrase 'rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.' That statement is 100% true in my experience.
quote aabb1st
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome jmf! I know it's hard to believe things can be better again, but they can. You have an addiction/disease, but you are more than that disease. You are the person that is reaching out for help and wants to stop. Listen to that person (rather than the alcoholic voice). You've been doing this for most of your life, so it's going to take some time to learn how to live sober.
Get all the support you can (and see a doctor if you need to). Take it a day at a time and be patient with yourself. I'm so glad you're here!
Get all the support you can (and see a doctor if you need to). Take it a day at a time and be patient with yourself. I'm so glad you're here!
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