proof that people on this forum are RIGHT
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
proof that people on this forum are RIGHT
So, interesting...I've actually been on this forum for a couple years now, but haven't posted in a while. All my posts relate to my xabf, who I was with off and on for 3 yrs.
Check out this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...w-proceed.html
With hindsight, I look at the posts people made warning me that my xabf was "quacking" and that I should totally step away from the relationship.
Did I listen? no.
I believed him, that he would keep attending AA meetings, and going to therapy, and not drink. Well...all of that got watered down to "cutting down drinking", and before you know it, it became " I don't need my therapist or AA anymore"...then a couple months later, he got drunk (even tho my condition in getting back together with him was "YOU CAN'T GET DRUNK").
There were a few more "drunks" before, finally, in April, he had a horrible temper tantrum on his birthday weekend after drinking way too much at his birthday "celebration." He called me names, threw things at me, screamed and yelled (I'm surprised the neighbors didn't call the cops), packed up his stuff and left...all this lasted about 3 hours. From 1:30a to about 4am.
At the end I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, bawling my eyes out (oh yeah, I forgot, he made fun of me for crying). My good friend witnessed this whole event - I asked him to please come to my place because I didn't know how to handle my xbf.
Well, finally I told him, ENOUGH. ENough with the "moderation management" - obviously this is NOT WORKING. (what's funny - not funny ha ha - is that when we got back together (after I had made that post on SR), he said "obviously, if I keep up the same behavior, Il'l acknowledge I have a problem and turn it over."
HMM...wouldn't putting your gf through a 3 hour drunken tirade where you got verbally violent and came close to physical violence...be a SIGN THAT MODERATION MANAGEMENT ISN'T WORKING?)
As you can see, even tho it's been 3 months, I am still a little...angry. And hurt. But I'm working thru all of that.
Anyway, he decided he would not stop drinking, so he let me walk out of his life. There were quite a few weeks of me still holding on to his pants leg in weird ways, like "talking as friends", or some hogwash...but now I'm totally done. I'm going back to Al-Anon. I cut him off from email and phone contact. I feel I'm more than ready to put him behind me.
Just wanted to impart the lessons I learned from others. From now on, I will listen a lot more closely to the wise words of the experienced people on this forum. They were certainly spot-on in the past.
Check out this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...w-proceed.html
With hindsight, I look at the posts people made warning me that my xabf was "quacking" and that I should totally step away from the relationship.
Did I listen? no.
I believed him, that he would keep attending AA meetings, and going to therapy, and not drink. Well...all of that got watered down to "cutting down drinking", and before you know it, it became " I don't need my therapist or AA anymore"...then a couple months later, he got drunk (even tho my condition in getting back together with him was "YOU CAN'T GET DRUNK").
There were a few more "drunks" before, finally, in April, he had a horrible temper tantrum on his birthday weekend after drinking way too much at his birthday "celebration." He called me names, threw things at me, screamed and yelled (I'm surprised the neighbors didn't call the cops), packed up his stuff and left...all this lasted about 3 hours. From 1:30a to about 4am.
At the end I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, bawling my eyes out (oh yeah, I forgot, he made fun of me for crying). My good friend witnessed this whole event - I asked him to please come to my place because I didn't know how to handle my xbf.
Well, finally I told him, ENOUGH. ENough with the "moderation management" - obviously this is NOT WORKING. (what's funny - not funny ha ha - is that when we got back together (after I had made that post on SR), he said "obviously, if I keep up the same behavior, Il'l acknowledge I have a problem and turn it over."
HMM...wouldn't putting your gf through a 3 hour drunken tirade where you got verbally violent and came close to physical violence...be a SIGN THAT MODERATION MANAGEMENT ISN'T WORKING?)
As you can see, even tho it's been 3 months, I am still a little...angry. And hurt. But I'm working thru all of that.
Anyway, he decided he would not stop drinking, so he let me walk out of his life. There were quite a few weeks of me still holding on to his pants leg in weird ways, like "talking as friends", or some hogwash...but now I'm totally done. I'm going back to Al-Anon. I cut him off from email and phone contact. I feel I'm more than ready to put him behind me.
Just wanted to impart the lessons I learned from others. From now on, I will listen a lot more closely to the wise words of the experienced people on this forum. They were certainly spot-on in the past.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You get to it when you get to it Sandrawg. We all go at our own pace and you have to LIVE life to LEARN the lessons you are meant to learn.
I hope you don't feel bad about this. Because we ALL did; we ALL believed at some point or another.
Glad you're back
I believed him
Glad you're back
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I spent almost two years in an addict/codependent behavior cycle before my self-respect and dignity took over.
I finally had to decide the pain wasn't worth the good stuff I was getting from the relationship.
We all do what we need to do until we reach that point, just like the addict has to decide for him/herself that enough is enough, right?
And I'm with you, Sandra...incredibly thankful for the wisdom and the willingness of others to share on SR!! This place has been one of my steady rocks.
I finally had to decide the pain wasn't worth the good stuff I was getting from the relationship.
We all do what we need to do until we reach that point, just like the addict has to decide for him/herself that enough is enough, right?
And I'm with you, Sandra...incredibly thankful for the wisdom and the willingness of others to share on SR!! This place has been one of my steady rocks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Well, not everybody has to leave and never look back. Not everyone can just walk away and go no contact for whatever logistical reason. Maybe you work together and have to cope with seeing the person every day, maybe you have children together, or a business together, or the person you are trying to detach from is a family member and noone else in the family is ready to let go of them. Who knows. Every situation is different. It takes time to find the path that is right for the individual.
I've heard that we all do what we want to do and we don't do what we don't want to do. I guess when you read it slowly, it makes sense in its simplicity.
When I came here and received the same sage advice as you, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be free of my XABF's but I didn't want to be out on my own. I learned that I kept putting the decision at his feet to fix my problem. When I finally accepted that he wanted to stay just as was, I had to finally put on my big girl panties and make the plants I had been avoiding.
I haven't looked back.
I haven't been in contact with him.
I have a bright future.
I am grateful every day.
Thank you for posting your success in recovery. You are an inspiration to others!!!
Alice
I've heard that we all do what we want to do and we don't do what we don't want to do. I guess when you read it slowly, it makes sense in its simplicity.
When I came here and received the same sage advice as you, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be free of my XABF's but I didn't want to be out on my own. I learned that I kept putting the decision at his feet to fix my problem. When I finally accepted that he wanted to stay just as was, I had to finally put on my big girl panties and make the plants I had been avoiding.
I haven't looked back.
I haven't been in contact with him.
I have a bright future.
I am grateful every day.
Thank you for posting your success in recovery. You are an inspiration to others!!!
Alice
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
There's a line from a play called The Zoo Story, written by the American playwright, Edward Albee, that I have carried with me in my head for well over a decade. Whenever I find myself kicking myself in the a$$ for wasting yet more time trying to "make it work" with someone with whom it just does not work, I remember this as a sort of life motto:
...sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.
...sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.
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