"But I love him/her!"
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"But I love him/her!"
I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, as XAH's disappearance from my life has given me a time to relax and to examine our marriage from a different perspective.
It occurred to me that over the course of our 5 years together, I *often* used the sentence "But I love him" as a sort of blanket statement meant to shush any of my doubts, or those of others who questioned my relationship. I would quietly acknowledge some unfairness in our relationship but would immediately add:
"BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH"
Why?!
If I'm honest with myself, I realize that I used the statement to justify continuing the relationship. Using the grand old word "Love", as it is presented by society and by the media (i.e. running slow motion through a field of wheat to attain one's long lost soul mate...) seemed to make it ok for me to be involved with someone who was less than considerate with me. All that mattered was THE LOVE.
Looking back, when I question my heart about that supposed love, I find... nothing. If I really break it down, I realize that there were very few things about XAH that I did love/respect. Yes, I admired some of his creative talent, his weirdo humour, and the relationship he sometimes had with his son...but that's it. All the qualities I believed were part of his personality were actually never there (strong family values, dedication, respect, a desire for self-improvement, open-mindedness, humour, spirituality). I just imagined them there because I needed to know that I wasn't in a marriage with such a "/$%&?!.
When it comes right down to it, the word LOVE, as *I* used it anyhow, was a synonym for my addiction to him, and a means to hide my fear of breaking away from the known, however crummy it might have been.
I'm curious to hear the input of others on this issue...
It occurred to me that over the course of our 5 years together, I *often* used the sentence "But I love him" as a sort of blanket statement meant to shush any of my doubts, or those of others who questioned my relationship. I would quietly acknowledge some unfairness in our relationship but would immediately add:
"BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH"
Why?!
If I'm honest with myself, I realize that I used the statement to justify continuing the relationship. Using the grand old word "Love", as it is presented by society and by the media (i.e. running slow motion through a field of wheat to attain one's long lost soul mate...) seemed to make it ok for me to be involved with someone who was less than considerate with me. All that mattered was THE LOVE.
Looking back, when I question my heart about that supposed love, I find... nothing. If I really break it down, I realize that there were very few things about XAH that I did love/respect. Yes, I admired some of his creative talent, his weirdo humour, and the relationship he sometimes had with his son...but that's it. All the qualities I believed were part of his personality were actually never there (strong family values, dedication, respect, a desire for self-improvement, open-mindedness, humour, spirituality). I just imagined them there because I needed to know that I wasn't in a marriage with such a "/$%&?!.
When it comes right down to it, the word LOVE, as *I* used it anyhow, was a synonym for my addiction to him, and a means to hide my fear of breaking away from the known, however crummy it might have been.
I'm curious to hear the input of others on this issue...
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I could NOT agree with you more.
We bandy that word "love" about, as if we know what it means.
What a lot of codependents don't realize is that they are helping the alcoholic STAY within his disease, by a lot of their behaviors. They enable by providing money, a place to stay....by not enforcing their boundaries (how many times did ALL of us say "keep drinking and I'm leaving" and then not do it??)
Is that love? The problem is, we get so wrapped up in our own denial. Just like the alcoholic is in denial of his disease, we are in denial about ours. We think giving them money is helping them. We think, controlling when and where they drink, is helping them.
No-the only thing that helps an alcoholic is to be forced to face the consequences of their drinking, and to hit bottom. Enabling only helps their disease thrive.
We might as well give them bullets and a gun - it's a much faster way of killing them.
You're right-that is NOT love.
And neither is fooling ourselves by hanging onto whatever little scraps or crumbs they are able to throw us. Cuz let's face it, an ALCOHOLIC IS SIMPLY NOT CAPABLE OF HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. There are any number of reasons for this-I don't think I need to go into them. We've all lived the drama and the pain.
The disease by its nature forces the alcoholic to become someone who really is un-lovable. Someone who lies. Someone who sneaks around. Someone who steals. It's pretty freakin' hard to love an addict unless we manage to lie to OURSELVES about who that person is.
We bandy that word "love" about, as if we know what it means.
What a lot of codependents don't realize is that they are helping the alcoholic STAY within his disease, by a lot of their behaviors. They enable by providing money, a place to stay....by not enforcing their boundaries (how many times did ALL of us say "keep drinking and I'm leaving" and then not do it??)
Is that love? The problem is, we get so wrapped up in our own denial. Just like the alcoholic is in denial of his disease, we are in denial about ours. We think giving them money is helping them. We think, controlling when and where they drink, is helping them.
No-the only thing that helps an alcoholic is to be forced to face the consequences of their drinking, and to hit bottom. Enabling only helps their disease thrive.
We might as well give them bullets and a gun - it's a much faster way of killing them.
You're right-that is NOT love.
And neither is fooling ourselves by hanging onto whatever little scraps or crumbs they are able to throw us. Cuz let's face it, an ALCOHOLIC IS SIMPLY NOT CAPABLE OF HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. There are any number of reasons for this-I don't think I need to go into them. We've all lived the drama and the pain.
The disease by its nature forces the alcoholic to become someone who really is un-lovable. Someone who lies. Someone who sneaks around. Someone who steals. It's pretty freakin' hard to love an addict unless we manage to lie to OURSELVES about who that person is.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 24
I disagree with this last bit about the alcoholic becoming someone unloveable. That's not always true. I know from personal experience (and the experiences of a few friends), that sometimes that never happens. Sometimes the alcoholic never sneaks around, never steals, never lies (at least not to their partner), never becomes nasty, etc. But the problem is that they never-the-less cease to be the person you started out loving.
People used to never understand why my dad's alcoholism made me so angry as a teenager... because my dad never got ugly or "un-lovable." It wasn't that he turned into this awful person, it was simply that he turned into someone else. And I'd get so frustrated trying to explain to people that I didn't care if he was still a nice guy or whatever... it was just the mere fact that he was no longer the person I grew up with as my dad. That person was lost and I wanted that person back... regardless of however "harmless" the thing left in its place was.
So sometimes I think when we say "but I love him/her"... maybe it's not always a question of what's real love or not as much as it's a question of WHO we are referring to. When I hear those words, when I say those words, I have to wonder about WHO it is that is being loved... because the love is real, it's the person that's gone (or comes and goes -- as seems more likely the case with alcoholics).
People used to never understand why my dad's alcoholism made me so angry as a teenager... because my dad never got ugly or "un-lovable." It wasn't that he turned into this awful person, it was simply that he turned into someone else. And I'd get so frustrated trying to explain to people that I didn't care if he was still a nice guy or whatever... it was just the mere fact that he was no longer the person I grew up with as my dad. That person was lost and I wanted that person back... regardless of however "harmless" the thing left in its place was.
So sometimes I think when we say "but I love him/her"... maybe it's not always a question of what's real love or not as much as it's a question of WHO we are referring to. When I hear those words, when I say those words, I have to wonder about WHO it is that is being loved... because the love is real, it's the person that's gone (or comes and goes -- as seems more likely the case with alcoholics).
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Yes-good point. The person they used to be, who is lovable, gets sub-sumed by the addict.
If you watch the show intervention, the counselors always tell the family,you are angry at the ADDICT. You feel like you hate the ADDICT. This is not the person underneath that you care about - they are no longer that person.
And then the people who get sober and stay sober-you can actually see at the end of the show, they are becoming once again, more like the person they used to be.
It's like the addiction makes them nothing but a shell. I liken it to the experiments they do where they feed cocaine to rats. Pretty soon, the rats forego all food or interaction with each other and just focus on the cocaine. They're incapable of even feeding themselves or doing anything beyond getting that drug. It's frightening, but that's what addiction does to people.
If you watch the show intervention, the counselors always tell the family,you are angry at the ADDICT. You feel like you hate the ADDICT. This is not the person underneath that you care about - they are no longer that person.
And then the people who get sober and stay sober-you can actually see at the end of the show, they are becoming once again, more like the person they used to be.
It's like the addiction makes them nothing but a shell. I liken it to the experiments they do where they feed cocaine to rats. Pretty soon, the rats forego all food or interaction with each other and just focus on the cocaine. They're incapable of even feeding themselves or doing anything beyond getting that drug. It's frightening, but that's what addiction does to people.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
So weird that you say that. My x has a friend who is even worse off than he is--that guy is a shell of his former self when he's drinking, and he drinks constantly - my x even started calling him "Zombie N---" (his name starts with N).
Originally Posted by Evey2010 
Yeah... I compare it to being haunted by the person's ghost or zhombie. It's as if they're there, but not really.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
AWESOME post noday.
IMO, you've answered your own question here:
Me, too. Many, many times.
I have been through the same scenario you describe too many times, some of them alcoholics, some of them addicts, some of them neither but with their own issues (cheaters, passive-aggressives, maybe a sociopathic, a neurotic, some just plain old selfish, etc).
I am rather cynical about "being in love" anymore. I believe that when you feel THAT strongly for someone else, something is seriously wrong and you need to stay OUT of relationships until you have worked on yourself enough to strengthen yourself to the point where you can stand completely alone. When you enter a relationship with such strong emotional blinders, you cannot see when that person is using you for their own immediate gratification.
I think it all goes along with the Magical Thinking. I think there are a lot of VERY strong, horrible societal influences that tell us that being in love with someone is the ideal, the norm to follow. It goes right along with what you said above, the scenario of running through the wheat field, arms outstretched, toward the object of your love. It goes along with all the jewelry store advertisements that make you want the largest diamond engagement ring. It goes along with all the influences that show us the kind of house we should live in, the kind of car we should drive, the kind of home furnishings and clothing we should have. It goes along with all the Hallmark holidays, the happy, extended family seated around a huge table laden with delicious foods, everybody smiling and getting along beautifully (no alcoholics in those pictures). It goes along with the Norman Rockwell Christmas, the wonderful, thoughtful gifts, the happy children opening presents on Christmas morning, all of it. And yes, it is all man-made. It is all placed in front of us day after day in so many different forms, simply to get us to spend our money. And get us to feel bad about ourselves, because no, we cannot ever be those ideals. No, we do not have the families and the wealth and belongings that those pictures and other influences tell us our neighbors have.
In reality, I have found life a lot more difficult and a lot more practical than that. Since entering Recovery, I have a hard time thinking of filling my home with beautiful gifts for friends and family, with the simple knowledge that there are millions of children in my city and state, in my country, and around the world who are STARVING. I have had enough of floating on cloud 9 "in love" with some man, only to get a rude, painful, very difficult to get out of, awakening. I have had enough of expending my precious time, limited energy, and hard-earned resources to help people who do not want to help themselves but want to continue to make excuses for their addictions and their bad behavior. I have had enough of the magical thinking.
Wow, sorry if I sound overly cynical or got off topic. Thanks for the share.
Why?!
Using the grand old word "Love", as it is presented by society and by the media (i.e. running slow motion through a field of wheat to attain one's long lost soul mate...) seemed to make it ok for me to be involved with someone who was less than considerate with me. All that mattered was THE LOVE.
I have been through the same scenario you describe too many times, some of them alcoholics, some of them addicts, some of them neither but with their own issues (cheaters, passive-aggressives, maybe a sociopathic, a neurotic, some just plain old selfish, etc).
I am rather cynical about "being in love" anymore. I believe that when you feel THAT strongly for someone else, something is seriously wrong and you need to stay OUT of relationships until you have worked on yourself enough to strengthen yourself to the point where you can stand completely alone. When you enter a relationship with such strong emotional blinders, you cannot see when that person is using you for their own immediate gratification.
I think it all goes along with the Magical Thinking. I think there are a lot of VERY strong, horrible societal influences that tell us that being in love with someone is the ideal, the norm to follow. It goes right along with what you said above, the scenario of running through the wheat field, arms outstretched, toward the object of your love. It goes along with all the jewelry store advertisements that make you want the largest diamond engagement ring. It goes along with all the influences that show us the kind of house we should live in, the kind of car we should drive, the kind of home furnishings and clothing we should have. It goes along with all the Hallmark holidays, the happy, extended family seated around a huge table laden with delicious foods, everybody smiling and getting along beautifully (no alcoholics in those pictures). It goes along with the Norman Rockwell Christmas, the wonderful, thoughtful gifts, the happy children opening presents on Christmas morning, all of it. And yes, it is all man-made. It is all placed in front of us day after day in so many different forms, simply to get us to spend our money. And get us to feel bad about ourselves, because no, we cannot ever be those ideals. No, we do not have the families and the wealth and belongings that those pictures and other influences tell us our neighbors have.
In reality, I have found life a lot more difficult and a lot more practical than that. Since entering Recovery, I have a hard time thinking of filling my home with beautiful gifts for friends and family, with the simple knowledge that there are millions of children in my city and state, in my country, and around the world who are STARVING. I have had enough of floating on cloud 9 "in love" with some man, only to get a rude, painful, very difficult to get out of, awakening. I have had enough of expending my precious time, limited energy, and hard-earned resources to help people who do not want to help themselves but want to continue to make excuses for their addictions and their bad behavior. I have had enough of the magical thinking.
Wow, sorry if I sound overly cynical or got off topic. Thanks for the share.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
I have used the "but I love him" excuse to stay in relationships in the past. Currently with ABF I love and care for him as a human being. I also love many other people this way. I have enabled him and made things worse - that kind of love he does not need. He wants romance, hearts and flowers. None of that left for me right now. He is drowning and buried under a progressive disease that leaves him "unlovable" in that romantic way. If he were to go in to serious recovery that might happen again someday. No telling, I might never feel it again. I love him as a human being enough to let him go where he needs to go in this life... I am learning more so everyday I don't need to watch wherever that is.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Thank you for the post. Over the last year I've come to view love as action with a healthy dose of maturity. In toxic relationships we get used to the volatility and get off from the highs in an unhealthy way. To me, pulling the love card is mostly a rationalization for continued disfunction. Glad to hear you've healed, gained perspective and moved on to something better. The initial attraction of any relationship regardless of how healthy will wane, continuing to make it work requires mature thought and action. IMHO love is a verb and accordingly a volitional action. We really can choose who we love.
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Ahhh, you really hit the nail on the head with this post! I, too, did the "but I love him, so I should stay, and only I can fix him" thing with my ex (he was an addict + had depression). I justified staying in the relationship far longer than I should have by convincing myself that this was "love" and you had to work for it. And also, since I loved him, love = all healing, and therefore I could fix him with my love and my love only. Boy was I wrong.
It's now years later, and that relationship is long gone, but I have since learned a lot about myself from it--i.e. I recently made the connection that my mom / dad's relationship very much mirrors the destructive r.ship I was in at that time (my dad has addiction probs and depression, and my mom is very much co-dependent). So...I basically learned from them that this was what 'love" was, and therefore I thought that the relationship I had was the only type of love that was out there and available to me.
For me, it was an opportunity to grow, learn, and change. Now, to me, "Love" is different--it is respect, give and take, honesty, laughter, and humility. It is about choices. And it is daily work in which you grow with the other person and the other person grows with you.
Thanks for posting this one noday...it really hit home.
It's now years later, and that relationship is long gone, but I have since learned a lot about myself from it--i.e. I recently made the connection that my mom / dad's relationship very much mirrors the destructive r.ship I was in at that time (my dad has addiction probs and depression, and my mom is very much co-dependent). So...I basically learned from them that this was what 'love" was, and therefore I thought that the relationship I had was the only type of love that was out there and available to me.
For me, it was an opportunity to grow, learn, and change. Now, to me, "Love" is different--it is respect, give and take, honesty, laughter, and humility. It is about choices. And it is daily work in which you grow with the other person and the other person grows with you.
Thanks for posting this one noday...it really hit home.
OSSSU!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by sandrawg
I could NOT agree with you more.
We bandy that word "love" about, as if we know what it means.
What a lot of codependents don't realize is that they are helping the alcoholic STAY within his disease, by a lot of their behaviors. They enable by providing money, a place to stay....by not enforcing their boundaries (how many times did ALL of us say "keep drinking and I'm leaving" and then not do it??)
Is that love? The problem is, we get so wrapped up in our own denial. Just like the alcoholic is in denial of his disease, we are in denial about ours. We think giving them money is helping them. We think, controlling when and where they drink, is helping them.
No-the only thing that helps an alcoholic is to be forced to face the consequences of their drinking, and to hit bottom. Enabling only helps their disease thrive.
We might as well give them bullets and a gun - it's a much faster way of killing them.
You're right-that is NOT love.
And neither is fooling ourselves by hanging onto whatever little scraps or crumbs they are able to throw us. Cuz let's face it, an ALCOHOLIC IS SIMPLY NOT CAPABLE OF HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. There are any number of reasons for this-I don't think I need to go into them. We've all lived the drama and the pain.
The disease by its nature forces the alcoholic to become someone who really is un-lovable. Someone who lies. Someone who sneaks around. Someone who steals. It's pretty freakin' hard to love an addict unless we manage to lie to OURSELVES about who that person is.
We bandy that word "love" about, as if we know what it means.
What a lot of codependents don't realize is that they are helping the alcoholic STAY within his disease, by a lot of their behaviors. They enable by providing money, a place to stay....by not enforcing their boundaries (how many times did ALL of us say "keep drinking and I'm leaving" and then not do it??)
Is that love? The problem is, we get so wrapped up in our own denial. Just like the alcoholic is in denial of his disease, we are in denial about ours. We think giving them money is helping them. We think, controlling when and where they drink, is helping them.
No-the only thing that helps an alcoholic is to be forced to face the consequences of their drinking, and to hit bottom. Enabling only helps their disease thrive.
We might as well give them bullets and a gun - it's a much faster way of killing them.
You're right-that is NOT love.
And neither is fooling ourselves by hanging onto whatever little scraps or crumbs they are able to throw us. Cuz let's face it, an ALCOHOLIC IS SIMPLY NOT CAPABLE OF HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. There are any number of reasons for this-I don't think I need to go into them. We've all lived the drama and the pain.
The disease by its nature forces the alcoholic to become someone who really is un-lovable. Someone who lies. Someone who sneaks around. Someone who steals. It's pretty freakin' hard to love an addict unless we manage to lie to OURSELVES about who that person is.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Well, for me, after we broke up, we still talked and texted.
I didn't feel it was enabling, but the contact just hampered my healing, and here's why. He tried to tell me he was "working on his issues", bla bla bla
It took me a little while, but I soon found out that he's not working on any issues. It's just the same ole, same ole. He told me he was taking his friend N, who is a HARDCORE alcoholic and my x knows this, over to some girl's house.
Well, I remember seeing a post from this girl on the FB wall of my x's roommate, and it was all about how great it was to be drunk the other night, or something like that. I looked at HER profile, and it was mostly stuff about puking, blacking out, not remembering what happened the night before cuz she had so much to drink...
oh and btw, there were a couple of references to my ex.:
"J (my ex) said this party sucked cuz there was no alcohol"
...or a comment directed to friend:
"J said you took his beer and left the party...NOT cool"
So..it was obvious. He's EXACTLY the same.
This was hard for me to face, because he knows what he did to me on his birthday weekend--he knows what alcohol did to drive me away. But he continues to drink.
I realized, keeping up with his life is just TOO painful for me, so I have finally cut him off. I sent him one final email saying, this was his choice, and I have no choice but to stay away from him, but I wish him the best.
Honestly, I don't WANT to know anymore what he's up to, and I'm glad I'm done.
The only good thing that came out of the post-breakup contact was... I told N's gf where he was, and who he was with. She had NO idea he had started back up drinking again (my x didn't have the common courtesy to tell her)...she confronted him at this girl's house, and now he is in AA and taking the first steps toward sobriety.
I didn't feel it was enabling, but the contact just hampered my healing, and here's why. He tried to tell me he was "working on his issues", bla bla bla
It took me a little while, but I soon found out that he's not working on any issues. It's just the same ole, same ole. He told me he was taking his friend N, who is a HARDCORE alcoholic and my x knows this, over to some girl's house.
Well, I remember seeing a post from this girl on the FB wall of my x's roommate, and it was all about how great it was to be drunk the other night, or something like that. I looked at HER profile, and it was mostly stuff about puking, blacking out, not remembering what happened the night before cuz she had so much to drink...
oh and btw, there were a couple of references to my ex.:
"J (my ex) said this party sucked cuz there was no alcohol"
...or a comment directed to friend:
"J said you took his beer and left the party...NOT cool"
So..it was obvious. He's EXACTLY the same.
This was hard for me to face, because he knows what he did to me on his birthday weekend--he knows what alcohol did to drive me away. But he continues to drink.
I realized, keeping up with his life is just TOO painful for me, so I have finally cut him off. I sent him one final email saying, this was his choice, and I have no choice but to stay away from him, but I wish him the best.
Honestly, I don't WANT to know anymore what he's up to, and I'm glad I'm done.
The only good thing that came out of the post-breakup contact was... I told N's gf where he was, and who he was with. She had NO idea he had started back up drinking again (my x didn't have the common courtesy to tell her)...she confronted him at this girl's house, and now he is in AA and taking the first steps toward sobriety.
Originally Posted by Mataleao
I wonder how much enabling I'm doing by just taking phone calls or texting....I don't take calls if he's drunk, and the texting, well, that takes a little longer for me to figure out if he's been drinking or not....and he doesn't drink every day but is a huge binge drinker.... I refuse to see him if he's been drinking....I also refuse to see him if he's been drinking a few days prior....Which means I haven't seen him at all in six weeks...It's obviously over, but I wonder if what I'm doing is still in any way harmful.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Wow! Very well said (noday). I too, believed I had found my "soul mate". Looking back, there were alot of things we had in common, we did think alike and got along.....and I was in love............until the real world happened. I've learned that "real love" DOES involve the real world. He was a great party friend and I think I got swept up in that because I was escaping reality right along with him. BUT.. I have small kids and when reality kicked in for us, I think it was too much for him to handle and I realized that it could not possibly be "real love". I'm glad I was given the opportunity to see this side before I invested anymore time with him. I've gone through surgery, chemo and now radiation without him and I am really starting to feel well!! (Even have a short, cute hairdo) Now, maybe if I am lucky enough one of these days, I will find real love, the kind of love that is kind and gentle, not addicted, loving and supportive.. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Well, for me, after we broke up, we still talked and texted.
I didn't feel it was enabling, but the contact just hampered my healing, and here's why. He tried to tell me he was "working on his issues", bla bla bla
I solved that prob for both of us, I just blocked the calls and txts. That way, he can't contact me and I wasn't tempted to contact him. It was hampering my healing as well.
I didn't feel it was enabling, but the contact just hampered my healing, and here's why. He tried to tell me he was "working on his issues", bla bla bla
I solved that prob for both of us, I just blocked the calls and txts. That way, he can't contact me and I wasn't tempted to contact him.
It was hampering my healing as well.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I did the same, after the incident with his friend "N".
I blocked his number on my phone, and I installed an email filter so his emails go right into my trash.
I blocked his number on my phone, and I installed an email filter so his emails go right into my trash.
Originally Posted by ladyhawk69
Well, for me, after we broke up, we still talked and texted.
I didn't feel it was enabling, but the contact just hampered my healing, and here's why. He tried to tell me he was "working on his issues", bla bla bla
I solved that prob for both of us, I just blocked the calls and txts. That way, he can't contact me and I wasn't tempted to contact him. It was hampering my healing as well.
I didn't feel it was enabling, but the contact just hampered my healing, and here's why. He tried to tell me he was "working on his issues", bla bla bla
I solved that prob for both of us, I just blocked the calls and txts. That way, he can't contact me and I wasn't tempted to contact him.
It was hampering my healing as well.OSSSU!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Posts: 116
Now it's almost a running joke...hahaa (for me at least) since my days off are Tues. and Wed.....he will start asking me if I'm going to come and see him by Saturday. I used to go on either Monday night or Tuesday....and as I've said, his drinking has prevented me from going there for the past six weeks in a row.....I don't mind talking to him and it's getting much easier. I finally said to him, "Well, we can go about this two ways, either you can just stop asking me to come there....OR you can continue to ask, drink, and have me not come anyway. The result is the same, the choice is up to you.
I'm also better about the part where, I didn't care what any books said or what I have learned in the many years working in the field....I WAS CERTAIN THAT HE WAS DRINKING TO SABOTAGE OUR TIME TOGETHER.....Why is it that he can stay sober for a few days....but he can never manage to be sober on my days off....So in my mind he was purposely doing this and still is.....he was only saying he wanted to see me to get drunk and then laugh at me because I fell for it YET AGAIN! Some say he is doing it on purpose and some say he can't help it....I guess I am still a bit confused.
I'm also better about the part where, I didn't care what any books said or what I have learned in the many years working in the field....I WAS CERTAIN THAT HE WAS DRINKING TO SABOTAGE OUR TIME TOGETHER.....Why is it that he can stay sober for a few days....but he can never manage to be sober on my days off....So in my mind he was purposely doing this and still is.....he was only saying he wanted to see me to get drunk and then laugh at me because I fell for it YET AGAIN! Some say he is doing it on purpose and some say he can't help it....I guess I am still a bit confused.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
You'll fall for it until you've had enough. Only you will know when it is time to move on. Of course he is manipulating, that's what addicts do...... IMO, if you want the constant drama, you can keep letting it drag you OR you can just say "enough". The choice is entirely yours, not his.
OSSSU!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Posts: 116
He is manipulating, yes....but is he purposely ruining any possible time we could spent together? All I can think is, why wouldn't he just stop asking, as he knows he is ruining everything at the very moment he asks?
hahaaa.....this is madness.
hahaaa.....this is madness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
love = ?
Many people think, love = stay together
or
love = do something
If we really do love, then maybe we should continue to love. Love is never a bad thing, right?
It doesn't mean,
love = stay together/be together
or
love = do something
it just means, love = love
And that's my late night haiku.
Many people think, love = stay together
or
love = do something
If we really do love, then maybe we should continue to love. Love is never a bad thing, right?
It doesn't mean,
love = stay together/be together
or
love = do something
it just means, love = love
And that's my late night haiku.
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