confusedandtorn

Im so lost and confused. I think I have done the right thing up until now.

A simple rundown: my fiance (as of december) told me a few months ago that he had an addiction to xanax, oxi-contin and vicotin. He stated that he has been using them for about year. I've come to learn the signs of his usage. He doesnt just take them to feel better, he takes them to the extreme. I believe it is up to 30 a day.
Well, this last high did it for me. He did harmful things to me (bit me) and said harsh things to me. I kicked him out. I felt like I had tried and tried to help him even when he'd messed up before. I just didnt feel that he wanted to get off them. I didnt know what to do with him. I have an 8 yr old daughter that doesnt need to see him this way.

So, its been about 2 weeks now and he tells me he's been sober for a week.
he's done soo much lying to me, I dont believe anything anymore. Even when he says hes sorry.

Anyway, this has been a real struggle for me. I feel betrayed the most. Im struggling with the fact that someone that i loved sooooo much could treat me that way. I feel like all he ever told me was a huge lie. I know deep down that it was just the pills, but that would mean that our whole relationship was one big lie.

I dont really know how to feel or what to say or how to support him or if I even did the right thing by kicking him out.

HIM: he moved out and is now realizing how much he loves me. He wants to get clean but doesnt have the resources. He says he wont lie to me and that hes miserable because all he wants is to be with me and love me. (He's said it all before and then went back to his old ways.)

IDK... I guess Im looking for anyone that can support me through this. I have so many mixed emotions right now. And there is way more information to this story but I dont know what is relevant and what isnt. Someone please just comfort me with personal experiences or suggestions. I'm trying to support him but I wont make it easy for him by allowing him back here.

mickosgf

Hello, I wish I could help you, but I'm going through the exact same thing as yourself... What you will find here is that you will get alot of helpful replies... The lies are the hardest and I'm starting to realise that even if he does get clean do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who can do this again? Or am I better finding someone who hasn't had this in their life? I love him very much and he's loved heroin for the past 4yrs of our 5yr relationship... All I can say is stay strong and listen to what the people on here have to say It's only now after 3 days of reading the support and advice people are giving me that I've realised I have a choice and options... Goodluck, thinking of you

tam

went through the same thing..honestly, let him go. move on with your life. his addiction will destroy you (as you are seeing) I too was devastated with his behavior, yet he said he loved me. it was a hate/love relationship and I thought I was to blame..NOT. the best thing for you to do is step back , set boundaries, no contact and get support for YOU!! believe me his addiction will destroy you physically,mentally and your head will spin and spin in a downward or upward spiral. you will try to analyze him, help him and no matter what you say or do things will remain the same or get worse. we suffer from this, we dont have a drug to make us numb and not think about or care about our lives or what we say or do to others like they do. he will continue the straits of an addict if you let him ,what you can do is seek support, learn coping skills, read other posts to find peace in your life. please keep coming here, it truly saved me. stay strong

ThatLittleGirl

I do not have a lot to add to the advice above...believe what they are saying...honestly read and consider cynical's commentary because it is right on the mark. I have been where you are (pill addicted fiance'...whom I am now married to) and invested ten years of my life trying to "fix" my AH...thinking if I tried hard enough...I could save him...it's not true...!!! So I left with my daughters...and my divorce is final this week... If I could advise you of anything, it's to leave now...make your daughter your priority...and let your fiance' take care of himself...if what he's saying is true...then time will tell...but you won't have to continue to spiral down with him if it's not...

nodaybut2day

Sorry to butt in here, but IMO the direct translation to this statement is:
"I desperately need you to be my enabler again because I don't know how to function without that."

Step far far away from this. Remember your child.

outtolunch

Can you turn this around? What is he doing to support you besides telling you what you want to hear so he can weasle his way back in? Not making it easy sounds like punishment, not a healthy boundary for you and your daughter.

Is this his child? You could lose your child for exposing her to a lying, biting and nasty drug addict in your household. You are teaching your daughter how to let the world treat her. Fast forward ten years. If she is shacking up with a dope addict who treats her the way he does you, are you and she going to sit down and figure out how to best support him?

Freedom1990

That, my dear, is the biggest load of steaming buffalo crap I've heard this week.

The resources for help are numerous.

NA doesn't cost a dime.

The Salvation Army offers a free rehab program.

dollydo

Jeez, he is really feeding you a line of bull duckie.

Reality check coming your way...your child is first, no option, this is not an enviorment for an 8 year old...let him go...if not for you...for your child.

fourmaggie

NA: NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS (their big book)
ITS SAYS:

"Addiction is a disease that involves more than the use of drugs. Some of us believe that our disease was present long before the first time we used.

As long as we could stop using for a while, we thought we were all right.

Our disease ilolates us form people except when we were getting, using and finding ways and means to GET MORE. Hostile, resentful, self-centred and self-seeking, we cut ourselves off from the outside world.

We manipuled people and tried to control everything around us. We lied, stole, cheated and sold ourselves. We had to have drugs regardless of the the cost. "

IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE

god bless, and if that dont work for ya...at least you do it for the CHILDREN

Christen

I'm so sorry that you're going throught this. I know exactly what you're going through. I found out my husband was a pill addict after we were married a little over a year, & I felt like my entire life was a lie. It took me a long time to get over that. But I had to forgive him for it before I drove myself crazy with all the bitterness. My husband has about 5 months clean now. He has relapsed a few times. But I don't believe in divorce. So I'm sticking by my man. He's wonderful to me, but he's an addict...

I'm still a work in progress when it comes to being married to an addict. But I have learned a lot over the past year and a half. So I have some advice for you. I also want you to feel welcome to send me private messages if you need someone to talk to. So here comes the advice...

- Being with an addict can be exhausting, & sometimes we can become obsessed with trying to control them. Always take care of yourself. Don't let his addiction ruin your life.

- SR is a wonderful place. You will get excellent advice here. BUT everyone is different, & every situation is different. At the end of the day- do what's best for you.

- Find a nar anon meeting in your area, go, & keep going.

- Remember this- addicts lie. It's just what they do. It doesn't mean they're bad people. It's just part of their disease. They are really good at manipulating. With time, you will learn to tell when they are really telling the truth (I'm still learning).

- And above all- THERE ISN'T ANYTHING IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T BE FIXED OR MADE BETTER WITH LOVE.

My heart goes out to you.

Spiritual Seeker

Oxys are extremely addictive and it takes a lot to time and work to get to recovery.
Remember, addicts lie constantly...

Call it off and let him get his life together
Don't believe that this is the man or life you deserve.
If he gets it together and becomes a fully functioning sober man in the future that can be
a reason to get reacquainted.

sofacat

Hi confused and welcome to SR.

I am sorry to hear about your fiance. I too lived and loved an opiate addict for 10 years.
I still love Him, but He didn't love himself enough to want to really get help and make His sobriety his full time job. So after 10 years of crying, snooping, fighting, caretaking, and all the other unhealthy behaviors attached to my codependency...I finally realized that this was beyond my control.

I was getting sicker than he was and the ship was sinking with Me on it....hell, I was driving the boat!

I enabled Him for a very long time and refused to believe there was nothing I could do. I was in it for the long haul, and I "wouldn't give up on Him." But, I forgot that in all of this I gave up on Me.

If we could love them into sobriety none of us would be here. But we've all tried every tactic in the book to try and get them clean. In the end, it's their choice. They WILL lie to you, steal from you, manipulate you and it will HURT....a lot! But they are sick.

Leave her problem to the professionals. She will get help for herself ONLY when she is ready and hits her own personal bottom. You can't fix this for her, but you will sure make yourself crazy trying...until the day comes that you are ready to just fix yourself first.

Coming here is a BIG step...so many of us have been and are where you find yourself and can share our experiences with you. We understand.

You may find some of the feedback very blunt and to the point...you may even be jolted a little by them....but I can tell you that I NEEDED to be confronted in order to start the healing process for myself. It was time, and I was ready.

I am sorry you are here, but I'm so glad you found us.

sofacat

"You can't fix this for her"....sorry I misspoke...."Him"