SashaMB

The last couple of weeks have been tough with my AH being angry at me for telling him that he drinks too much. Super-defensive, said lots of horrible things to me. However, AH actually hasn't been drinking for the last 2 weeks. Of course, AH was pretty clear that he has no intention of quitting, and that he will do what he wants when he wants. But still, no recent drinking.

So, things have been tense, and I have been feeling like he does not love me and could not care less how I feel. This weekend his parents invited us up to a condo that they rented in the mountains for the 4th weekend. I really didn't want to go because I just didn't feel like socializing and pretending that everything is fine. But I didn't want to cause a fight, so I agreed to go. As soon as we got there with his parents and brother and sister-in-law, AH was so nice to me. He sat next to me, and held my hand, and put his arm around me, none of which he does at home. I was polite, but pretty quiet.

While I should be happy that for the first time in a long time AH was actually being nice and sweet to me, I feel like the whole thing was an act for the benefit of his family. His family NEVER talks about problems, or issues, or anything beyond chit chat and how wonderful everything is. They are very nice, but they sort of exist as though they don't ever have problems, and we are part of the perfect family picture. Hence that I wasn't excited about this weekend, as I just didn't feel up to playing my part as the perfect wife with the perfect husband of the perfect in-law parents. The family doesn't know that I have an issue with AH's drinking, and they provide and promote alcohol at every get-together. They don't get rowdy, as they are "upper-class" drinkers (belonging to gourmet food and wine clubs, etc.). Part of the perfect family I guess.

Now, he didn't drink this weekend, and I told him in advance that if he planned to drink, that I would not go, and that if he did drink, I would leave. I get the feeling that he did not drink because he would not want to cause a scene by making me leave. But the family brought lots of alcohol, with things selected especially for him. I came back on Sunday (because I have to work today), but he stayed for another night and won't be back until today. So, I have no idea if he drank last night.

I hate feeling so cynical, but I also don't like being part of someone's "perfect family" act. I do not think it would help the situation to tell his family about my concerns, as I don't think they would be receptive to any suggestion that their son is not perfect in every way.

I really need to work on my attitude. After all, I shouldn't complain that he doesn't treat me with love, and then be unhappy when he is nice and not drinking. I'm just wondering if the nice will continue once he gets home and no longer has an audience. I hate feeling fake!

wicked

I must respectfully disagree SashaMB, I think you need to check your reality, and try to match it with what is really happening. Your innate honesty and integrity is warring with the games you are playing to appease an alcoholic and his family. and they are all living in an alternate reality.

Do you really believe you should accept these by product crumbs of affection from your husband when you know it is just for show? an act for his family? I think you know differently, and you are so starved for attention you are willing to take this. Please reconsider that you are worth so much more. much much more.

You seem unhappy and uncomfortable because you are not living an authentic life.
You can do it Sasha. Do it for Sasha!

Freedom1990

Now that he's made it clear what he will do, what do you want for your life?

How can you take charge of your own life and make it better?

Our feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are. To say you 'should' be happy implies that you are invalidating your current feelings.

People can tell me how I should act, but they sure can't tell me how to feel. My feelings are my own, and I have a right to feel them.

Remember, the alcohol is only a symptom.

Take away the alcohol, with no program of recovery, and all you have is a dry drunk.

safetygirl

Thank you thank you thank you, Freedom. This is sooooo true!

tigger11

To expand on what Freedom said... it sounds as though, in your case, your "dry drunk" is grumpy and mean. Both of my A's have been grumpy and mean even if they didn't have alcohol for a day. It really sucks. I'm so sorry this is such a difficult time for you SashaMB. Do something good for yourself. Try AlAnon.

sandrawg

The last couple of weeks have been tough with my AH being angry at me for telling him that he drinks too much. Super-defensive, said lots of horrible things to me. However, AH actually hasn't been drinking for the last 2 weeks. Of course, AH was pretty clear that he has no intention of quitting, and that he will do what he wants when he wants. But still, no recent drinking.

-->Sure, no recent drinking that you KNOW of.

So, things have been tense, and I have been feeling like he does not love me and could not care less how I feel.

-->You're right. Alcoholics don't love anyone else. They aren't even capable of loving themselves. And they couldn't care less how we feel. all they care about is getting their drug. It is the core nature of addiction.

This weekend his parents invited us up to a condo that they rented in the mountains for the 4th weekend. I really didn't want to go because I just didn't feel like socializing and pretending that everything is fine. But I didn't want to cause a fight, so I agreed to go. As soon as we got there with his parents and brother and sister-in-law, AH was so nice to me. He sat next to me, and held my hand, and put his arm around me, none of which he does at home. I was polite, but pretty quiet.

While I should be happy that for the first time in a long time AH was actually being nice and sweet to me, I feel like the whole thing was an act for the benefit of his family.

--->You are probably right

His family NEVER talks about problems, or issues, or anything beyond chit chat and how wonderful everything is. They are very nice, but they sort of exist as though they don't ever have problems, and we are part of the perfect family picture.

---> Maybe this is partly why he BECAME an alcoholic in the first place? Suppress your feelings...don't get them out...therefore, where else can he turn? So, he medicates his feelings away.

Hence that I wasn't excited about this weekend, as I just didn't feel up to playing my part as the perfect wife with the perfect husband of the perfect in-law parents. The family doesn't know that I have an issue with AH's drinking, and they provide and promote alcohol at every get-together.

--->Reason #2 why your AH is in the predicament he's in


They don't get rowdy, as they are "upper-class" drinkers (belonging to gourmet food and wine clubs, etc.). Part of the perfect family I guess.

--->Perfect on the outside; rotting and dysfunctional on the inside

Now, he didn't drink this weekend, and I told him in advance that if he planned to drink, that I would not go, and that if he did drink, I would leave. I get the feeling that he did not drink because he would not want to cause a scene by making me leave. But the family brought lots of alcohol, with things selected especially for him. I came back on Sunday (because I have to work today), but he stayed for another night and won't be back until today. So, I have no idea if he drank last night.

-->Frankly, IMO, they are all enablers, and by agreeing to attend this function where you knew his family would serve him alcohol, YOU were also an enabler.

I hate feeling so cynical, but I also don't like being part of someone's "perfect family" act. I do not think it would help the situation to tell his family about my concerns, as I don't think they would be receptive to any suggestion that their son is not perfect in every way.

-->This is not as big of a reason not to go as the one I just stated above. STOP ENABLING HIM.

Do you really want to continue to be a part of this dysfunctional family???

SashaMB

Thank you for your responses everyone, I appreciate your encouragement and feedback. I do think that the "perfect family" is part of the problem in that AH sees alcoholism as something that can only happen to obviously dysfunctional wife-beaters, not upstanding people who are outwardly successful.

Since recognizing the problem with AH, I have established the boundaries that I will not be around him when he drinks, and I will not attend any functions with him where he will be drinking. So far, I have stuck to my boundaries and I now choose not be around him if he's drinking. To that end, because I was concerned about my ability to enforce my boundary this weekend, I made sure that I had my own car so that I could leave immediately should AH decide to start drinking. I told him ahead of time that, again, his drinking is his choice, but I choose not to be around it.

So, while I think the family is perhaps part of the problem, I respectfully disagree that I was enabling by attending this event. One of the issues that AH and I have had is that AH wants me to take responsibility for his drinking by telling him when he's had "too much." I have told him repeatedly that I will not police his alcohol, and that his drinking is his decision, and that he, not me, has to own his drinking. This event is no different. There are always going to be occasions where there is alcohol: friends' houses, family events, restaurants, etc. Whether he chooses to drink is his choice, and HE is responsible for it. Whether his family chooses to drink is a whole other question. If and when he decides for himself that he wants to stop drinking, he will also need to decide whether being around his family is something that hinders his sobriety.

On the other hand, this is all pretty new to me, and I am getting educated, trying to care of myself, and focusing on not getting sucked into drama and co-dependency. So, it's entirely possible that I AM enabling and don't fully recognize it. Insisting on not attending any family functions (and his family lives near us, so we see them a lot) just seems like it would cause far more problems than it would solve.

sandrawg

Kudos to you for setting your boundaries and sticking to them.

I consider it enabling, because your husband is still weak when it comes to alcohol. It's like, when my xabf claimed he was cutting down on drinking, I told him I would not go to the bar with him. I felt like, going to the bar is giving tacit approval of his behavior, and I just don't approve of him drinking in any way whatsoever.

Also, if you stop showing up at family functions, the family is going to wonder why. To me, it's like making a stand that you do not approve of their behavior. Besides, if it were me, I'd feel very awkward and uncomfortable watching them all drink. Why put yourself through that.

safetygirl

This is just my two cents but once my exABF got out of rehab I refused to go anywhere near his friends and family that continued to have alcohol anywhere in his presence. Regardless of what it would do to HIM and his recovery, it was an insult to ME that they were so unsupportive of what he was trying to accomplish ... sobriety.
In the end, though, all it did was make me the bad guy for keeping him from his family and friends. Atleast that is the story he tells while still not wanting to make progress on his own recovery or our relationship.

HanahGoodness

SashaMB-You are right to trust your own instincts, gut, inner self, whatever you want to call it...trust it. It sounds as if you are in the early stages of realizing what is happening in and out of your home.

I am about 2 years beyond you, yet still feeling abandoned when my husband drinks again. His family, that I thought was the original everything is perfect family, never discussed serious family feelings and events. Their favorite motto was "Fruit of the Vine"...in other words, you had to live up to the perfect family lineage otherwise it made them look bad. That is a lot of pressure on someone who already has low self-esteem.

Anyway...it is important for you to find your ground...help yourself. In showing how you can find emotional health, he may surprise you and start to find it himself. If not, then you need to see where your healthy self may take you...it might be on your own.

Yet...my healthy self after 2 years of trying to figure this out is still slowly seeing where I will go. I think I am getting closer.

cinderellawkids

Remember no matter what you do or dont do, he will still do what ever he chooses, when ever he chooses. You cant control it, nor did you cause it.

You have to do whatever you choose to do for you and what is best for you.

He says he doesnt intend on not drinking. Can you live with that?

sandrawg

Been there, done that! I had it with "you're trying to keep me away from my friends", being accused of being controlling, bla bla bla

Don't you love that the real culprits here are his family and friends...you were just trying not to enable...and YOU get the blame.

So glad I'm off that roller coaster.