ladyamalthea

So, just got a call from sis. She says that instead of waiting until Friday to go to detox, she wants to find a doctor who can give her suboxone so she can detox herself. She wants to do this so she can get through the worst of the detox sooner and get to jail and get everything over with. Believe it or not, this has the ring of truth to it for me, because she is in a hurry to get to jail after detoxing so she can still make her end-of-july hearing date; she's afraid if she goes to detox friday and stays there several more days, she might not make it into jail in time to make that july hearing (her judge only does hearings once a month).

I had told her yesterday that if there was any way I could help besides hiding her to let me know. The reason she called me is because she wants me to help pay for her suboxone for the detox. I told her that it would depend on how much it costs, because there was no way I could do much, since I have huge credit card bills to pay, student loans, a mortgage, and on top of that us GA teachers were furloughed 6 days this school year, which cost me almost $1500. She said this doctor's website says he takes insurance, which should make it more affordable. So, we'll see... I made no promise to help pay, but I did tell her to call me in the morning if she gets through to them.

She has made some kind of progress, though: she said she was calling me b/c she feels bad that mom and dad are paying her attorney fees, her bail, etc. So she actually has some form of a conscience, which is more than I could say for her 2 years ago.

suki44883

It's good to hear that you got some comfort from her call. However, I will give you a word of caution: Please don't take what she is saying now as gospel. If she does follow through on this, great. But don't be shocked if she doesn't. Also, do not, under and circumstances, give her any money. If you do decide to help her out with this, make sure you pay the doctor or the facility directly.

I truly hope that she means what she is saying, but our main concern here is you. I would hate to see you be disappointed again.

Hammerhead

Call me a hardnose... but when she took the heroin... she knew she would crash/detox at some point...

Why should you pay to soften her consequence? She's faced with experiencing a consequence of coming off the drug.... she took the drug.... her consequence. This isn't her first merry-go-round ride.

((hugs))

outtolunch

Wanting/expecting you to pay for her Subs is not ringing particularily true for me. It's actually a common ploy used by heroin addicts to get money from those who care about them. I hope I am mistaken.

Detoxong from subs is no pinic in the park.

suki44883

I agree with outtolunch. You would be amazed at how sincere they can sound when they're fighting for what they want. Just be careful and don't take anything she says as the honest truth.

ladyamalthea

Thanks guys. As usual, you all are right on. She did, however, say that I could pay mom directly for the doctor bill if I decided to pay. The thing is, the more I think about the part my parents played in my misery this weekend, the more I think it's time to not have anything to do with them for a while. My husband has even said I'm being a bit harsh, that they're my parents, and he knows I'll love them and want to see them no matter what, and he may be right; but right now I'm almost a little afraid that I will get sucked in again if I see them. Can't happen.

I haven't heard from sis since she called earlier. I told her to call me in the morning if she gets more information from the doctor. I will go from there; but right now, she and I may be having a bit of a pow wow anyways, because when she called earlier, she was constantly varying between buttering me up and bashing my husband. This signals to me that her logic is still out the window; if she was all there, she would get that my husband and I share our money, and that if I am helping her, he is too. But instead, the call was full of "I love you sis" and "I know your husband hates me." Makes less and less sense. I will definitely err on the side of caution.

URMYEVERYTHING

Once you open that HELP door, it is hard to close it in the end. You have a family to provide for and take care of. She has numerous resources at her fingertips to use to get sober that she doesn't need your financial help. She is clearly manipulating everyone around her. Next week, she'll bounce back to mom and dad for help. That's what addicts do. I wouldn't trust anything she says until she shows action towards wanting recovery which means sucking it up and turning herself in. These are excuses she is making to prolong her using until she reaches the inevitable (jail). Please take care of yourself and your family. They deserve that more from you.

Freedom1990

You'd would have been amazed at the 'conscience' I would suddenly develop back in my days of active addiction if it served the purpose of getting something I wanted from someone.

I'm speaking to you as a recovering addict now, not a recovering codependent. She's going to chew you up, spit you out, and walk off laughing. She's still insisting on doing things her way.

Let go or be dragged.

Chino

My RAD made the transition from methadone to subs twice and both times were just awful for her. They have to wait until they're almost in full withdrawal or the subs will send them into it as they fight for space on the receptors. This will take several days. If your sister is wanting to use subs to detox, that's what a detox facility will do anyway.

I don't know about other areas, but we have two inpatient detox facilities here. They are not rehabs but will give referrals and highly encourage them. They both accept insurance.

I can't tell you what to do, so I'll only point out the pitfalls if she's serious. Detoxing outside of a medical facility can have devastating consequences on a persons health. Unless she's highly motivated, she's very likely to seek out her drug of choice (after such a short methadone detox), just to feel human because she'll feel like death. If she can even walk upright after a 5-7 day methadone detox, she might very well be the first. If she agrees to turn herself in at that point, you'll truly be witnessing a miracle and I hope you share it with the rest of us.

ladyamalthea

She never called me back today like I told her to do. The old me would have called her to follow up, even knowing I wanted no part in it. Instead, I reminded myself that if she can't even make the effort to call me, she doesn't deserve the help, even if I was still willing to do it. The problem is I know I'll have a hard time saying no if she calls tomorrow. I need to be ready for that...

I think my parents have pretty much cut dh and I off for now anyways. Dh felt so bad about how much I have been hurting lately that he even tried to call my parents today to talk things out with them (he doesn't realize that would have done no good anyhow), and they wouldn't even call him back. Sigh...

Ann

I know it`s hard to be in your shoes right now, but stepping waayyy back and letting her find her own way and make her own choices (even if they are bad ones) is the only way she will ever reach a point where the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.

We have a saying here `Hands off the Addict`...and just for the record, that saying came to be right about the time I was new here and really needed to hear it. It was the hardest thing for me to do...to back up, and keep my hands off the addict.

Wise words they are and much more loving than they sound.

Hugs

keepinon

Your parents sound as sick as your sister and trying to get thru to them while they are in their disease is kinda pointless. Hang in there..your husband sounds like a good guyit really helps me 2 focus on the people in my life who are healthy and really there for me.

URMYEVERYTHING

And it helps to know that the addict will chip away at this type of relationship with others to get their needs met.

Hang in there Lady... you are starting to see the bigger picture in this chaos.

ladyamalthea

Well, I guess it's pretty much over now. Unless my dad decides to man up and discuss what happened with my husband, and it doesn't sound like he will...

I got a really ugly text from my dad a little while ago, that pretty much said that he really loves me but that my husband is a big *insert explitaves here*. After thinking about it for a few minutes, I wrote him back and told him that I love him too, but that he is only hurting me by saying these things about my husband. I pointed out to him that dh had tried to contact him earlier to make peace, and that if dad has a problem with dh, he needs to call dh and discuss it with him, but to please stop texting me with hurtful messages.

Maybe I should have just ignored him, but I was at that point where enough was enough.

I mean, what did he expect? Was I supposed to say, "yep, he's a class-a jerk alright"? Or perhaps, "you're right. My life is not worth as much as that of my addict sister who is making bad decisions. So I should really abandon everything I have worked so hard for, put my husband's well being at risk, and harbor a fugitive so you can continue to pamper her and serve as a living constant reminder that, since you and mom will clearly live forever, as will never have any consequences as long as I am willing to pay the price"?

I know they are sick, that they have no clue how their actions are impacting me, but I cannot help but still, at least in part, be appalled that they would continue this by now apparently expecting me to choose between them and my husband. Because I have news for them, if that's the case. I will always choose the side that does not leave me not taking care of me.

Or maybe they don't expect me to choose. Maybe they just wanted to make sure I am a part of their misery.

Either way, the more I think about this, the more I realize my only option for my well-being and that of my husband is to keep backing up. And I will continue to back away as long as it takes. It's just hard knowing that "as long as it takes" could end up being forever.

suki44883

I totally agree with what keepinon said. Your parents have fallen into the codie trap. You are right to stand up to them and your sister and do what is best for you and YOUR family. Your husband sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. Hang in there and continue to do what is best for you. The others can figure out their own mess.

Freedom1990

Don't future-trip. I borrow myself a whole lot of unnecessary trouble that isn't here yet, and may not even arrive, when I start that kind of thinking.

Deal with things on a 24 hour basis.

If nothing else, sit down and make out a gratitude list of what you have in your life, at this moment, that you are grateful for!

ladyamalthea

Yep... started my own thread in the part of the forum that is devoted to being grateful. Hopefully I will remember to post something new there, or somewhere, daily.

In the meantime, is it pathetic that a part of me still wants to cry? It's been two days since I spoke with my mom, whom I normally talk to anywhere from 1-3 times a day, and I have always had such a soft spot for my dad that hurting him has always been almost unthinkable. I know I did the right thing... but ugh!!!

The funny part is that when dh and I were dating, his parents hated me with a passion. I never quite figured out what I did that was so terrible, but we got through it, and when dh and I got married, his mom was finally ready to accept me. My parents had always loved dh, and I was so proud that, despite the fact that his parents had more money and nicer belongings, my parents had bigger hearts. Now they hate him, and for some reason that upsets me, even though I am detaching from them with every fiber of my being. Maybe it's just because I know it hurt me when his parents wouldn't accept me... who knows?

This just feels like a horrible nightmare. But I can't wake up.

I keep telling myself it'll be okay. How long before I believe it?

For now, I'll just keep moving forward, and try my best to not look back.

keepinon

It is perfectly normal to want to cry and miss your parents. While reading your post a word popped into my head..enmeshment. Maybe it's time right now to look at the relationship with your parents and see if you guys are so intertwined that it's hard to have your own opinion, let them have theirs, have your own feeling w/out needing approval, etc. I know that I was so enmeshed with my mother that I didn't even know that there was any other way! I was so in tune to everything she did..her sighs,eye rolls, etc. She expected me to be as upset over everything as she was.. from getting the wrong change from someone to how her sisters were treating her. My dad wouldn't react so it became my job to get emotional to whatever level she wanted me to be at. Maybe a break from the 3 times a day phone calls can let you figure out what will be differnt about your relationship when you do reconnect. Not saying its the same situation as mine, but sometimes breaks help you see things more clearly than when you are in the middle..btw, husbands parents hated my guts too, we would never last..21 years later we are still married and she's still a miserable person! (oh yeah, his sister, unbeknownst to us, was a heroin addict at the time.. I was in college, but the bad one!):rotfxko

ladyamalthea

LOL!!! How funny

And you are right, I was far too intertwined in them; I would go so far as to say they are codie for her, I was codie for them. So it really is a bit of a good thing, on some level, that I am having to detach from them.

I'm going to try to go to an al-anon meeting tonight since there's no nar-anon nearby. Maybe that'll help...

outtolunch

???