Reality VS Fantasy
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Reality VS Fantasy
From Thumper:
Ok, so here is a reality vs fantasy moment from Transform
Fantasy- AH is so handsome, muscly, kind, respectful and helpful. What happened? What happened to my family? He wants to be with me, why can't we?
Reality- AH is kind, respectful and helpful to other people, and only to me when it benefits him. He can be on good behavior when it's easy or when he wants something from me. But he can't be consistent, I can't rely on him to be consistent, supportive or kind when I need him most.
Mostly, he doesn't take responsibility for the damage he's done to me, the kids and our family; blames me for having feelings about his actions and - he pees in the closet when he's drunk. I never know when that other shoe is going to drop and he'll turn into a monster again.
No thank you.
When I have the flashes or sad moments I make myself go through a list of 'real life' versus 'fantasy life'. I spend so much time in dream land.
I dropped the kids off to see their dad. He was sober and decent and the kids were happy and dancing around and doing fireworks and my heart was breaking in two as I drove off. It was so hard. I want that family. That family is my dream and damn it is hard to let it go. Those moments of time (some long and some short) were what kept me in the soul sucking mightmare for years.
As I drove off I made my mental lists. 'Real life' versus 'Fantansy life'. So that snippet in time, that trigger, was part of my dream. The reality paints a different picture. I have to stay in reality. That process of staying in the reality and forcing myself to see what is a fantasy helps me get through the depression. I also make myself do the list for things to be greatful. I have zero desire to meet other men right now. Zero. I don't necessarily see that as a sign of moving on past this relationship.
I dropped the kids off to see their dad. He was sober and decent and the kids were happy and dancing around and doing fireworks and my heart was breaking in two as I drove off. It was so hard. I want that family. That family is my dream and damn it is hard to let it go. Those moments of time (some long and some short) were what kept me in the soul sucking mightmare for years.
As I drove off I made my mental lists. 'Real life' versus 'Fantansy life'. So that snippet in time, that trigger, was part of my dream. The reality paints a different picture. I have to stay in reality. That process of staying in the reality and forcing myself to see what is a fantasy helps me get through the depression. I also make myself do the list for things to be greatful. I have zero desire to meet other men right now. Zero. I don't necessarily see that as a sign of moving on past this relationship.
Fantasy- AH is so handsome, muscly, kind, respectful and helpful. What happened? What happened to my family? He wants to be with me, why can't we?
Reality- AH is kind, respectful and helpful to other people, and only to me when it benefits him. He can be on good behavior when it's easy or when he wants something from me. But he can't be consistent, I can't rely on him to be consistent, supportive or kind when I need him most.
Mostly, he doesn't take responsibility for the damage he's done to me, the kids and our family; blames me for having feelings about his actions and - he pees in the closet when he's drunk. I never know when that other shoe is going to drop and he'll turn into a monster again.
No thank you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I agree, that WAS funny! But the helping other people before his own wife really stood out for me. I think I must have thought it was just MY family that this happens in. My father would fix someone ELSE's dryer but would not fix ours. My mother would wash EIGHT people's worth of laundry and then pack all those WET clothes in trash bags and haul that $hit to the laundromat. How screwed up is that? She is not even 5 feet tall, very small woman. God, she busted her a$$ to take care of her family. And he was a lazy drunk who only made things HARDER for her. When I think about this, I just get pi$$ed off. My oldest brother is the same way.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by transformyself 
From Thumper:
Reality- AH is kind, respectful and helpful to other people, and only to me when it benefits him.
Reality- AH is kind, respectful and helpful to other people, and only to me when it benefits him.
This is a reality that finally hit me on the head too. There were times when XABF acted out of genuine helpfulness and respect for others, but MOST often his actions were self-serving (i.e., how can I charm this person to get what I need/want?)
It was the occasional dose of his genuine giving that really messed with my head!!! Made me believe it was the "real" him. That was my fantasy, NOT reality.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Great topic. For me not only have I had to work on not having the fantasy relationship with my ABF but I had to accept the reality of who I really was too. It has been an eye opener for me. The fantasy of who I wanted to be/ who I thought I SHOULD be meant I was constantly putting the real life me down. Sure there are things I would like to change but the core of me - who I really am is becoming more and more acceptable which is nice. Very difficult though - the fantasy me (who I thought I might live up to being someday soon) is so much cooler than me ....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Reality- AH is kind, respectful and helpful to other people, and only to me when it benefits him. He can be on good behavior when it's easy or when he wants something from me. But he can't be consistent, I can't rely on him to be consistent, supportive or kind when I need him most.
Thank you for this
Thank you for this
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well I'm sure glad to come here and see my friends, see that what i spew out has helped you also. I am so full of anxiety right now, it's my own fault and time to go NC with AH again. I was fine for a good run, but am not taking care of myself and giving him too much power.
It's hard to get to yoga when the kids are out of school, but not impossible. I'll prioritize it starting tomorrow.
Oh, and those ******* jerks in my neighborhood with the fireworks--I'd give anything right now to have bought my own massive amount of them. I'd start setting them off at 5am-when I have to get up-and hotting and hollering like a ******* moron.
AND I'd wait until they thought I was all done, and start again. For hours.
It's hard to get to yoga when the kids are out of school, but not impossible. I'll prioritize it starting tomorrow.
Oh, and those ******* jerks in my neighborhood with the fireworks--I'd give anything right now to have bought my own massive amount of them. I'd start setting them off at 5am-when I have to get up-and hotting and hollering like a ******* moron.
AND I'd wait until they thought I was all done, and start again. For hours.
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