Confidence is Killing me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 36
Confidence is Killing me!
I try to quit drinking, feel better, gain the confidence and then drink again. Feel like total crap afterwords, guilt, shame, humiliation, disgust and on and on... can anyone relate?
This keeps pulling me back, I want to quit and get on with life and feel good... Should I always beat myself up though to prevent this constant relapse cycle? I want to quit so Bad, I need to quit so Bad, please help...
This keeps pulling me back, I want to quit and get on with life and feel good... Should I always beat myself up though to prevent this constant relapse cycle? I want to quit so Bad, I need to quit so Bad, please help...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
You don't need to beat yourself up to get through the relapse cycle, you need to learn and to make changes.
At some point, you are deciding that it's okay to go and buy alcohol and bring it home to drink. So, the next time that happens, have a plan in mind so that you don't follow through. Call someone, go for a walk, play with a pet, listen to music, whatever works.
You can do this!
At some point, you are deciding that it's okay to go and buy alcohol and bring it home to drink. So, the next time that happens, have a plan in mind so that you don't follow through. Call someone, go for a walk, play with a pet, listen to music, whatever works.
You can do this!
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi there. I relate to that pattern of drinking. I also know there are many who post on SR and also many who I have seen at AA meetings who also had a similar pattern too.
I was a blackout binge-drinker. I would binge and then feel terrible and then begin to feel better come the end of the week and be gagging to get wasted again. So it would go on. My binges got longer and heavier and the conseqeunces and repercussions more severe. Thus leading to even heavier binges and so the vicous cycle would continue.
I had to truly accept myself as an alcoholic. Once I had that then I could work on sorting my head and my life out. Untill I accepted that then I would have just kept drinking and binging untill I would have been drinking 24/7.
In accepting myself as an alcoholic then it enabled me to be able to move forwards 'one day at a time'. Rather than always moving forward one step and then back 3 steps after yet another destructive binge.
All The Best
I was a blackout binge-drinker. I would binge and then feel terrible and then begin to feel better come the end of the week and be gagging to get wasted again. So it would go on. My binges got longer and heavier and the conseqeunces and repercussions more severe. Thus leading to even heavier binges and so the vicous cycle would continue.
I had to truly accept myself as an alcoholic. Once I had that then I could work on sorting my head and my life out. Untill I accepted that then I would have just kept drinking and binging untill I would have been drinking 24/7.
In accepting myself as an alcoholic then it enabled me to be able to move forwards 'one day at a time'. Rather than always moving forward one step and then back 3 steps after yet another destructive binge.
All The Best
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Sorry for your troubles, you know.
Quiting is not easy of course. The thing is unless you have some changes to make while you're not drinking, the quitting is only going to be tougher and eventually, imo, unlikely. Changes in yourself, in your life, your day-to-day routines, your behaviours, your attitudes... all these changes will keep you busy and focused, and set you up for a better today than your yesterdays.
Recovery programs and fellowships help too, as you probably already know. Don't beat yourself up over drinking. Your wanting to quit and so put your energy into quiting. We all had to start somewhere and we all started at the begining just like anyone else. Hang in there.
What kind of recovery plan are you doing?
RR
Quiting is not easy of course. The thing is unless you have some changes to make while you're not drinking, the quitting is only going to be tougher and eventually, imo, unlikely. Changes in yourself, in your life, your day-to-day routines, your behaviours, your attitudes... all these changes will keep you busy and focused, and set you up for a better today than your yesterdays.
Recovery programs and fellowships help too, as you probably already know. Don't beat yourself up over drinking. Your wanting to quit and so put your energy into quiting. We all had to start somewhere and we all started at the begining just like anyone else. Hang in there.
What kind of recovery plan are you doing?
RR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 36
Many thanks to everyone for replies.
I've made changes, habits, daily routines, exercise, diet, ... for the most part this works good. Alcohol is so ingrained in my life, over 20 years that I keep going back to it. Guess I just have to put up a fight every single moment. What a way to live..
Recovery plan - I'm going to counseling, reading almost every book on the subject. Been to AA before, never had a sponser, but haven't been in a few months. Stats suck on AA, I just want to get better.
I've made changes, habits, daily routines, exercise, diet, ... for the most part this works good. Alcohol is so ingrained in my life, over 20 years that I keep going back to it. Guess I just have to put up a fight every single moment. What a way to live..
Recovery plan - I'm going to counseling, reading almost every book on the subject. Been to AA before, never had a sponser, but haven't been in a few months. Stats suck on AA, I just want to get better.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
It doesn't have to be a daily fight. Many people who drank steadily for more than 20 years have gotten sober and don't have to fight the feelings anymore. When you are truly ready, you will be willing to do whatever it takes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
It's not the quitting that's a challenge, it's the staying quit.
There came a time when gaining my confidence back after a bout of drinking wasn't even an option anymore; there was no confidence to be had; I was drinking nearly 24/7 every day of the week.
When that happened, I knew that enough was enough and I wanted to not drink more than I wanted to drink.
That severe, internal, emotional loss motivated me to seek recovery beyond any stuggle, fight, resolve or white knuckling method; those don't make for contented long-term sobriety.
I was where you're at once and it doesn't get better. Stick around and maybe you can avoid that kind of emotional hell before saying enough is enough.
There came a time when gaining my confidence back after a bout of drinking wasn't even an option anymore; there was no confidence to be had; I was drinking nearly 24/7 every day of the week.
When that happened, I knew that enough was enough and I wanted to not drink more than I wanted to drink.
That severe, internal, emotional loss motivated me to seek recovery beyond any stuggle, fight, resolve or white knuckling method; those don't make for contented long-term sobriety.
I was where you're at once and it doesn't get better. Stick around and maybe you can avoid that kind of emotional hell before saying enough is enough.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
You know, it does not have to be a god-awful fight everyday for the rest of our lives, okay? if it was, well, who would be sober? Becoming sober is difficult because we are ill with alcoholism which must be arrested to ensure we have a real true start at a better life. With the alcoholism in check so to speak, things become easier about changing ourselves and our lives.
Yeah, relapsing is a tough deal, how could i forget, yes? The thing is you still want and need to sober up so that is all you got to get started, you know, and although it may seem dumb, its all you really need to stop drinking, okay?
Keeping off the booze is another thing again and absolutely requires us to be involved in our own lives owning up to us changing into sober drunks when all we knew how to be were drunk drunks. I know from working with others in my early years alot of alcoholics do okay out of the gate and then fall of the path eventually. What kept me going clean was making little changes every day in my thinking, feelings, and actions: I left the hardest changes come to me as they happened naturally and not as i forced myself into living a sober life that i could not and would not live simply pretending i could be all that i thought being sober should give me. I can't be everything to myself or others.
I know that being selfish in my early years was a troublesome thing my always wanting my sober life to give me more and more even though i was not really doing the work to achieve those changes. I felt i sooo deserved a better life why wait on myself, you know. Dumb selfish drunk, that was me.
From my repeated relapses i learned that living sober and not drinking are not the same thing whatsoever. It was very difficult for me to understand that something as dumb as me being just selfish would be enough to wreck my chances. What i finally understood was i was not just selfish like normal people, i was alcoholic selfish like a drunk guy who wasnt drinking. heh. Seems so dumb even now after all these years of sobriety, but i understand what being selfish really means to me today, and i respect i have an illness of alcoholism. I'm not just another guy. I'm a sober drunk!
Hey, i don't know your story ironlung, and i hope you can get out of the pattern of relapsing by accepting who and what you today, quit the booze, change into a sober drunk living a sober life, and knowing that everyday will not be a living hell, you know. It can be that for you too. There is always ways out. Believe it!
Rob
Yeah, relapsing is a tough deal, how could i forget, yes? The thing is you still want and need to sober up so that is all you got to get started, you know, and although it may seem dumb, its all you really need to stop drinking, okay?
Keeping off the booze is another thing again and absolutely requires us to be involved in our own lives owning up to us changing into sober drunks when all we knew how to be were drunk drunks. I know from working with others in my early years alot of alcoholics do okay out of the gate and then fall of the path eventually. What kept me going clean was making little changes every day in my thinking, feelings, and actions: I left the hardest changes come to me as they happened naturally and not as i forced myself into living a sober life that i could not and would not live simply pretending i could be all that i thought being sober should give me. I can't be everything to myself or others.
I know that being selfish in my early years was a troublesome thing my always wanting my sober life to give me more and more even though i was not really doing the work to achieve those changes. I felt i sooo deserved a better life why wait on myself, you know. Dumb selfish drunk, that was me.
From my repeated relapses i learned that living sober and not drinking are not the same thing whatsoever. It was very difficult for me to understand that something as dumb as me being just selfish would be enough to wreck my chances. What i finally understood was i was not just selfish like normal people, i was alcoholic selfish like a drunk guy who wasnt drinking. heh. Seems so dumb even now after all these years of sobriety, but i understand what being selfish really means to me today, and i respect i have an illness of alcoholism. I'm not just another guy. I'm a sober drunk!
Hey, i don't know your story ironlung, and i hope you can get out of the pattern of relapsing by accepting who and what you today, quit the booze, change into a sober drunk living a sober life, and knowing that everyday will not be a living hell, you know. It can be that for you too. There is always ways out. Believe it!
Rob
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
ironlung - I did the same thing for a couple of years, at least. It's what happens with addiction. That obsession always won out for me until I realized I would never be able to fight it on my own. Like Neo said, it was really coming face to face with my alcoholism that made the difference. That, and just being physically, mentally and emotionally worn out. It's that feeling of being powerless that AA talks about. And I also agree with another one of AA's sayings "it takes what it takes."
I just finally saw that I had two choices: get better and put everything I had into it, or continue and get more and more miserable. There wasn't any in between anymore and there was really no point in putting it off for another couple nights of drinking.
I just finally saw that I had two choices: get better and put everything I had into it, or continue and get more and more miserable. There wasn't any in between anymore and there was really no point in putting it off for another couple nights of drinking.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
It certainly doesn't have to be a daily struggle. Far from it. Sure at times it's really difficult but it just simply has to be done and the rewards are so great. The feelings of gratitude, serenity and peace that you can gain are priceless. I never really heard of those words before I got sober and into recovery. I certainly couldn't apply them to my life and what I felt in my mind.
I reached the point where I knew that if I didn't get sober then I would keep having to go on in the same depressing cycle and suffering. I was done with alcohol and drugs. I knew I had came to the end of the road with them. The warning signs had been there for all to see. I finally saw my life and drink and drug use for what it was. Alcoholism and addiction. I was willing to do what I had to do to stay sober and clean.
For me I had to drastically change my way of thinking, outlook on life and attitude. I was the problem and not the booze. So I was gonna have to change me or else I would obviously drink again. AA, SR + much wisdom from elsewhere continues to keep me sober 'one day at a time'.
The real work starts when the drink is put down. I had to totally change and accept changing people, places and things to stand any chance of staying sober. I have to put my recovery and sobriety above all else. Without that I'm a dead-man walking anyway.
There were hard times and toughtimes but I accepted them and kept the faith that 'this too shall pass'. And it did with work and my commitment to staying sober 'just for today'.
I certainly don't stay sober by fighting. Far from it. I am the most chilled out and peaceful that I have ever been. Booze is no-longer something that bothers me anymore. In fact I couldn't care less about drink and drugs anymore. I just have a healthy respect and accept that for me then to drink is to die.
I simply have tried to practice a religion of kindness throughout my recovery. That to me is what it's about. Treating people kindly and not harboring resentments and trying to be grateful for as much as possible.
I used to be in a similar place where I saw abstinance from alcohol as some sort of prison sentence. It was laborious and I was p*ssed-off that I couldn't get smashed. I was a drunk but just minus the booze. Now I am a totally different person. It's still a daily work in progress but the best decision I ever made was my commitment to staying sober. I am ever grateful for that.
peace
I reached the point where I knew that if I didn't get sober then I would keep having to go on in the same depressing cycle and suffering. I was done with alcohol and drugs. I knew I had came to the end of the road with them. The warning signs had been there for all to see. I finally saw my life and drink and drug use for what it was. Alcoholism and addiction. I was willing to do what I had to do to stay sober and clean.
For me I had to drastically change my way of thinking, outlook on life and attitude. I was the problem and not the booze. So I was gonna have to change me or else I would obviously drink again. AA, SR + much wisdom from elsewhere continues to keep me sober 'one day at a time'.
The real work starts when the drink is put down. I had to totally change and accept changing people, places and things to stand any chance of staying sober. I have to put my recovery and sobriety above all else. Without that I'm a dead-man walking anyway.
There were hard times and toughtimes but I accepted them and kept the faith that 'this too shall pass'. And it did with work and my commitment to staying sober 'just for today'.
I certainly don't stay sober by fighting. Far from it. I am the most chilled out and peaceful that I have ever been. Booze is no-longer something that bothers me anymore. In fact I couldn't care less about drink and drugs anymore. I just have a healthy respect and accept that for me then to drink is to die.
I simply have tried to practice a religion of kindness throughout my recovery. That to me is what it's about. Treating people kindly and not harboring resentments and trying to be grateful for as much as possible.
I used to be in a similar place where I saw abstinance from alcohol as some sort of prison sentence. It was laborious and I was p*ssed-off that I couldn't get smashed. I was a drunk but just minus the booze. Now I am a totally different person. It's still a daily work in progress but the best decision I ever made was my commitment to staying sober. I am ever grateful for that.
peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by artsoul 
I know this is Ironlung's thread, but I just have to say Neo: that post is one of the best testimony's I've ever heard, and beautifully put. Thank you - it brought tears to my eyes!
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by ironlung
... Should I always beat myself up though to prevent this constant relapse cycle?
SOP is my new benchmark for being spiritually fit. When I have SOP nothing that life throws at me can make me feel like I am disturbed. Recovery is so much more than sobriety that it is almost like Nirvana.
"Before enlightenment - chopping wood and fetching water.
After enlightenment - chopping wood and fetching water"
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hey Ironlung
I did what you're doing for about 20 years...but it's not confidence...it's denial...
we think that because we feel good again we must be 'ok' now...we somehow instantly and completely forget the bad times, and the damage we're doing...
You can change - many of us here have - but like others have said you need to act now - make a plan - get some help. Post here when you need to beforehand, call your counsellor, look at support groups again...
Do everything you can to be ready for the next time you feel this way and do it differently....say no.
And LOL alcoholics are the only people I know who'll keep doing the same insane thing over and over and over again by drinking...but then worry about the stats of a recovery programme.
If you want to change your life, use whatever's available to you, man...if not AA, look at some of the other groups
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html
D
I did what you're doing for about 20 years...but it's not confidence...it's denial...
we think that because we feel good again we must be 'ok' now...we somehow instantly and completely forget the bad times, and the damage we're doing...
You can change - many of us here have - but like others have said you need to act now - make a plan - get some help. Post here when you need to beforehand, call your counsellor, look at support groups again...
Do everything you can to be ready for the next time you feel this way and do it differently....say no.
And LOL alcoholics are the only people I know who'll keep doing the same insane thing over and over and over again by drinking...but then worry about the stats of a recovery programme.
If you want to change your life, use whatever's available to you, man...if not AA, look at some of the other groups
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html
D
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