heavenlyone

How do you get closure in a relationship when the AH won't admit anything he's done is wrong and won't honour anything that you're upset about?

Freedom1990

You don't.

heavenlyone

How do you move on without closure? I'm finding it pretty impossible.

Freedom1990

At some point I quit telling myself that somehow I would have felt better if he had apologized, admitted his mistakes, said he was sorry.

The truth was, I was the only one who could make myself feel better, and I could either stay mired in the past or start the work on making myself feel better.

Alanon has been a tremendous help for me in my healing and progressing forward.

safetygirl

I wish I had your wisdom, Freedom. I find myself in a pretty good funk about this topic myself right now.

Freedom1990

It's taken many years and a lot of pain for me to get to this point, hon.

Tell me a little more about your situation. I'm trying to slog through 3 summer classes in college, and don't get to read all the posts on SR.

I'm listening.

safetygirl

I sent you a private message Freedom, thank you~ just out of time for the next few hours otherwise I could type endlessly!

Learn2Live

I remember trying to get this feeling many years ago, before I got into Recovery. I think for me it wasn't quite closure I was looking for just yet, but validation of my feelings. It's very difficult to get validation from an alcoholic or an addict. People who deny, who don't live in reality, who blame, are not healthy people. Being in any kind of relationship with them is difficult, unhealthy at best. Like Freedom indicated, you likely will not get closure from someone with these issues because they rarely validate your feelings, even when it is OBVIOUS to everyone else that what they have done is "bad," "wrong," immoral, or hurtful.

The experience I am reminded of from your post was when my old BF who was a recovering addict (5 years clean, in the Program) was supposed to be my fiance but thought it a good idea to have sex with a stranger in a bar parking lot. I was having great difficulty dealing with this and he agreed to go to counseling with me. I remember during the session crying my eyes out, trying to get him to see how much what he had done had hurt me, and after an hour of this, I turned to the counselor and told her, "I just want him to validate my feelings, to show me he understands how his behavior has made me feel." She looked me square in the face and with all honesty said, "I don't think he is able to give that to you." It was then that I was faced with the fact that I could either accept this or not. I realized at this point that I would NEVER get what I needed from him in order to have a healthy emotional life with him.

THAT is how I got my closure: Acceptance of his limitations in this area. Acceptance that he was just not able to do it, regardless of whether or not he wanted to. That helped me immensely in detaching from him. I found that the people in Al-Anon, and the things they shared in meetings, were what validated me and what allowed me to ultimately gain closure and move onward and upward, out of the sickness and the mire. I discovered people who had been through the same things as me, who had experienced the same feelings, and for the first time in my life, someone else UNDERSTOOD ME!!!

I hope you go to Al-Anon.

suki44883

You don't need closure. You don't need anyone to validate your feelings. So what if he admitted all his mistakes...would it really change anything? Would it make you feel "right?" What difference would that make? What's done is done. He doesn't decide when the chapter is closed...YOU do. I've just never understood the need some people have for "closure." There is no such thing as closure in my opinion.

TakingCharge999

Oh yes, in every human interaction there is energy interchanged ... a circle opened ... closure is when we get back the part of us that we gave (an improved part) and also when we are wise enough to 'take' the other person's energy that uplifts us..... IMHO anyway

Closure with an alkie... wow I am still struggling on that one. But I try to achieve that with HP. When I discuss things with HP or hand my confusion to him, I find closure.

Also to remember there is karma and we all pay what we do sooner or later. It does not matter if someone gets the pain now. Sooner or later they will live it. That is not revenge or evil just how karma works. And also to remember I am human and have hurt others a lot as well, makes me more humble and go "oh well X person did their best... he did not have tons of options and chose the worst for me... he really did see what he did as the ONLY thing he could do".

Often its not that another person is evil, many times they just don't know otherwise. Pain is what they know.


Hugs I hope you find your answers soon :ghug3

MissFixit

suki,

i respect your opinion, and i don't entirely disagree. however, some of us are not there yet where we feel fine without closure or ackowledgement.

Yes, many A's will never give you the emotional support we might want, but that doesn't mean that we don't want it.

I felt like I needed my exA to admit what he did. He still denies it to this day. It bugs me sometimes and other times I see it for what it is, he is sick and operating with a different system of beliefs than I do. He will never operate using my system and realy what I would like to hear.

No, i doesn't change anything, but part of me still wants the validation.

As Devon said, it takes time.

Kittyboo

I think closure is something that we quite often have to give to ourselves. It doesn't come from anyone else.

I used to say that I would be able to let go and move on IF I finally got an apology, IF he finally said that he knew he hurt me.
You know what, he recently said it.

You know what, I didn't believe he meant it.

I agree with many here, but I agree with what Suki said the most. His apology doesn't really change anything for you.
Often when dealing with an A, or anyone who damages a relationship with a betrayal, it becomes impossible to truly believe what they say. So as much as we WANT to hear some kind of ownership, when we do, it often isn't enough. It doesn't come close to being enough.

My closure has come in the form of knowing that I do not EVER have to be a part of that relationship again. My closure came in realizing that "i'm sorry, I know I hurt you"...just isn't enough.
I, you, we all deserve more.

suki44883

I understand what you are saying, Missfixit, and I agree that it takes time. I was just hoping she would see that closure doesn't have to come from other people. It is something we, ourselves, can control.

coffeedrinker

Learn makes an excellent point, when she says perhaps what you're really looking for is validation.

I too have found that it's just not gonna happen. Putting time between the hurt and where you're at today is helpful. The sting just lessens, your perspective changes and you realize that what you were needy for was false.

But I can definitely relate to the desire and the question. I feel like with my xabf, there has always been unfinished business. Practically nothing ever got truly resolved. And my fantasy that he would one day tell me about what he did (from his perspective) and make a heartfelt apology is just that: a fantasy. But we do feel we need it. In a way, it's like we are still seeking what we want our loved one to do/to be. And that happening....well, the odds are pretty poor.

heavenlyone

Ok. Yes. I do see what you guys are saying.
The whole five year relationship was a haze of lies and not real.
I shouldn't be wanting the end to be real either.
It's up to me to close it for myself.
The lack of respect just makes me so angry.
I would just never treat someone like he's treated me.
It's disgusting

tjp613

Forgiveness was (and is) the ultimate closure for ME. Nothing he says or doesn't say makes any difference for my peace of mind until I've forgiven.

Thumper

I understand you feelings. Closure for me came with a combination of things (none of which was from my xah). First was acceptance of who he was and was not. Then my expectations shifted to realistic. It also came with a bit of time to see that things were, indeed, going to get better in my life. I could change my life for the better, each day, all on my own. I had a very short term counselor but she helped a lot too. Validation was a big one and I got them from books I read, a few months of al-anon, and here - other people that understood. I couldn't trust myself, so I really needed that validation from other people.

keepinon

The expressions "beating a dead horse" and "going to the well when the well is dry" come to mind........

Tally

Love it! Thanks Anvil. This is going on my desktop where I can read it every day.

Chino

The first time I heard the word closure pertaining to emotional issues, was spoken by my first therapist when I was 29 years old. I was a witness and survivor of several violent crimes, and closure from the perps wasn't going to happen. Ever. So I had to give it to myself.

Just like with tjp, I found closure with forgiveness.