SuperMega

i hate the person that alcoholism has made me. i have lost my ultra firm body, my face looks older and i turn into a real classless idiot when i overdrink. i am frustrated with the ebb and flow in and out of sobriety. it is if i just want to wake up and it's a month, no a year later and have been sober the entire time. how sad is that? i love life, i love nature, i love learning but this BEAST has made living hell.
i want to commit to being completely sober. i want to make it through this fourth of july weekend clean and bright eyed. i want... but i have a fear that i won't.
last month i went for 7 days without drinking in a row. that is a personal best in the past 5 years that i have been an alcoholic. after that i fell into a week of binge drinking, got the shakes, major anxiety all the classic symptoms and pulled out of it. i would go a day and then drink. then two days and then drink every day for a week. thursday i was sober... last night i drank 4 beers and two glasses of wine at a going away party. i don't remember going to bed.
i woke up at 5am. pretty usual as i like to be at the gym by 5:30. alas, i do not feel 100% this morning. even though i brushed my teeth the wretch of alcohol is still coming up from my gut. i am sick of being a drinker.
i feel like i am on the verge of being able to hold onto sobriety and i really hope joining this community will be one more tool in my tool belt to actually quit.
sorry for the mild rant with little background info. i just feel like i needed to spit this out.
so.... am i ready to admit that i can't be a social drinker? am i ready to stop
for good?
yeah. i'm gonna do it.
i want my banging body back, i want the respect of my gorgeous husband back. i want the pulse of life back in my veins. i am so ready to start living my days instead of dying in them.

solareclipse

Hi Super! Posting here is a huge step. There is a lot of support and if you're ready to change (sounds like you are) you will meet a lot of people who are on the same page as you. I am on Day 7 today (in my ten years of drinking that has only happened three times) and the difference between this time and the last time (when I was going it alone) is being able to share every day. It's a great way to stay positive and upbeat about stopping. Or ask for reinforcement when you hit a low point. Welcome and keep posting!

SuperMega

thanks, and congrats to you!! 7 days is nothing to sneeze at. keep it up.
i made it through my 7 days by offering myself a little reward at the end. i purchased my self a little tidbit online and had it shipped gift wrapped to me with a card.
i will keep posting here... you will most likely see alot more of me around 5-7pm, my trigger time...

FBL

Welcome to SR! I was a daily drunk for 10 years and a weekly binger for the 20 before that...I never thought I could quit for more than a few days at a time. That was in June of 2009. Now it's been over a year without a single drop and I've never felt better in my entire life! I'm living proof that it's never too late to turn your life around.

coffeenut

Your story is a lot like many here.

Welcome to SR...you're in a Great Spot!

cheesegrits

Focus on that ultra firm body with all your might. Remember, Alcohol will always keep you from reaching your personal best. My guess is that if you go to gym starting at 5:30, as a drinker, you will never be 100% in your workouts. Think about a prize fighter training for a match for months at time. They don't ever drink alcohol for fear it will affect training. You have to have that type headstrong strength and commitment. Every drop of booze, or, beer, or wine is going to be like self sabotaging poison. You are starting to see it for what it really is. Use your hubby as a focus too. Your relationship can only get stronger. He should abstain as well if it is going to affect you. I think besides will power, your attitude and internal logic is going to pull you through. I can tell you see the truth about alcohol now, and in your true self you can destroy this weak person who is holding you back. God bless, good luck.

SuperMega

thanks. you guys are aweseome.
**formerbeerlover, if you don't mind me asking... what was the straw that borke the camels back for you? what was your motivation?

**cheesegrits, yes!! yes!! yes!! there is another person inside! i can see her in my minds eye, and every once in awhile i see her in the mirror. i thnk focusing on my training is going to be what saves me.
luckily my husband does not drink. well, on occasion he does but i have only seen him drunk twice in the ten years we have been together.

loveon2legs

Hi Super!! Welcome to SR!!!
Reading your post, really sounded alot like me...I've been sober...almost 6 months...I was a heavy drinker most of my life....my drinking became worse after my Dad died....I sprialled way out of control...made a fool out of myself on more than one occassion, tried controlling my drinking, and ended up being arrested for a DUI....a week after that..was my sobriety date...I had just had enough of it, the person i was becoming, wasn't the person who I truly am.....I was disgusted in myself, and so was my husband... I felt I had let everyone down.....
Now that booze is out of my life, it feels so great...I still have my down days, but its not like that gripping anxiety and depression after a night of drinking..it's emotions I can handle...I just go out in nature and spend time alone for an hour or two...and bring a notebook to write in!! and of course come here to SR!!
You will find alot of support here, and I wish you well!!
Keep posting!!

Anna

Hi SuperMega,

Welcome!

I know how frustrating it feels to be caught up in the endless cycle of drinking and feeling miserable and then drinking again because you feel miserable. I am glad you want to reclaim your life, and it's a great idea to hang out here when you are having some tough moments!

FBL

I suffered a serve anxiety attack and dehydration that sent me to the hospital emergency room. It was while I was there that a little light went off inside my beer-soaked brain and I vowed to give it up for good. Best decision I ever made in my life.

Dee74

Hi SuperMega

Welcome - you'll find a lot of support here - we all understand.
Lean on us when you need to - you can do this!

D

Mel8899

Welcome SuperMega, I am here and on day 8. I have found a lot of support and info here!

Melissa

Roadr440

Welcome SuperMega,

Like you I to hate the person that alcoholism has made me, I'm a 30 year drinker, I got to the point that I was willing to do anything to get sober and stay sober.

I'm not to sure what happen but one night I had a moment of clarity where my drinking was doing to me if i pick up again, I made a appt at my local hospital where thay had a Alcohol Program, I detox 3 days then into a in patient that lasted I think about 20 days, then right into AA.

Nothing will change unless I change it if I ever wanted to be happy, I needed to find a way to make it happen, like a program of recovery.

It was a lot of work but I'm 14 months sober, and what an awesome journey it can be.

Keep coming back here--- These folks are wise and they've been there, there's a lot of good advice and support here.

Road

artsoul

Hi Super and welcome! You'll find alot of company here. I'm glad you decided to reach out for support. It made a big difference for me and was such a relief to finally be able to be honest about my drinking to others who understand.

I knew if I didn't stop, it would only get worse. The sooner we get off that merry-go-round the better. Glad you're here!

Brucel

Welcome SM, keep coming back! Happy 4th of July!!! God Bless

Jaffapoppy

I am new here and I have decided to try antabuse, first day good luck with it.

MelindaFlowers

Hi Supermega!

Wow, I can relate to every single thing you say in your post. I too hated the person that alcohol made me. Finally realizing that was the only way I could truthfully say that I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

In the past three years my face has also aged a lot, especially my eyes. They look small, beady, and dead. Yep, I also turned into a “classless idiot” many, many times. Sometimes this was when I was alone, sometimes writing drunk emails, and regularly posting things on facebook I had to delete the second I woke up the next morning.

I gained 30 lbs in three years and lost all of my self-confidence. In 2006 I was toned, tan, slim, and felt like a million bucks. In May 2010 when I stopped drinking I was 35 lbs heavier, wore glasses everyday because my bloodshot eyes were irritated by contacts, my eyes looked tired and puffy, my large wardrobe of my favorite clothes no longer fit. Showering and blowdrying my hair was about all I did before walking out the door.

I could tell that I was becoming less attractive to my partner. When he would tell me how great I looked, I would get annoyed because I knew in my heart that I did not look how I wanted to. Our intimacy level went way down. When it did happen I found myself turning off the lights!

I hear you about wanting to wake up in a month and say “hey, I haven’t had a drink in a month.” I wish I could do that too. The first few days felt like splitting hairs, watching water boil.

It sounds like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had to get to that point to stop. As I sit here typing this my craving/longing for a buzz is about a 6 but my desire to be healthy, lose weight, get my appearance back is a 10. It does take daily, hourly reminders of this.

I’m about three weeks in of sobriety. If it’s any motivator to you, I’ve already lost ten pounds. I was drinking about 1400 calories every single night of vodka, so I’ll do the math. 20 days X 1400 calories = 28,000 calories. One of my tools I use when I crave a drink is to do this math over and over in my head. It’s working so far!

Another reason I stopped, like you, was the realization that I wanted to start living my days instead of dying in them. And this isn’t just some greeting card slogan. About 12 hours of reading medical journals about alcohol and health problems sure tattooed that on my brain.

I hope to hear more from you!

CarolD

Mega.....all my best as you find your way
Welcome....