demoralized
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 15
demoralized
Hi. I am a brand new member to this webpage. I feel very uncomfortable posting here but I'm thinking I should try to reach out.
I wish I could say why that's hard. I've always tended to be shy. It's perhaps a little easier to do this online than at a meeting.
But more than that, I just feel like I'm a waste of other people's time. I'm sure that sounds completely warped and self centered (a la "I'm not much but I"m all I think about...." or that the flip side of arrogance is shame)
The thing is I've been around the rooms for about 7 years now and I have at times worked a fairly diligent program, but my illness always overpowers my, or anyone else's, best efforts and energies. I feel like a lost cause.
Often times when I do share at meetings anymore where I'm really at, I actually ask people in the rooms NOT to come up to me afterwards with their phone numbers. I tell them, and this is undoubtedly selfish but it's quite true, that while doing so may help them, it only makes me feel more isolated and like a failure, because I know I won't be able to use those numbers when I need to. I may use them when I'm doing relatively OK, but when my disease takes hold again, I think my way out of asking for help. That IS my disease...it completely and utterly warps my thinking. I just believe down to my bones that calling won't help. And in fact this has borne itself out many times in reality. I've used as many times after calling someone as not. I'm done wasting a sponsor's valuable time with my nonsense.
So I suppose I'm introducing myself in the strangest of ways here, but maybe it's enough to simply state that the kinds of advice normally proferred to newcomers are lost on me. I already have contacts and meeting schedules, and am planning to pick back up on my meeting attendance starting 10am tomorrow morning.
I just wanted to write a little about how it feels tonight.
And tonight I am, as the subject says, demoralized. I'm trying to remember that my life might someday not be what it is today. Today, there is nothing and no one in my life anymore that I really care about. I lost my husband to my disease last year. He is a truly incredible man and I miss him every day. I had to move out of our home, so I'm separated physically from the only "children" I"ll ever have, which are my dogs. I try to get up to take care of them as often as I can, but it's nothing like living with them.
I'm middle aged now, 43. I find that while I have friends, as in women I admire and care about, there are only a couple in the whole world who really mean a lot to me. It's like my grandmother said, at the end of your life, you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand. These women, they have their own lives and families. We can talk on the phone and occasionally get together, but as an adult, I find that frienships are sort of temporary happy distractions from ones life, rather than a central focus.
I've tried dating since my divorce. I suppose I did it just to prove to myself that I was still desirable. And, like a lot of recently divorced people, I sort of went through a string of short term, fun, but ultimately meaningless relationships. I met some interesting people, but again these things all felt like just distractions from the business of getting on with life.
So I've given up on dating as well. Maybe I'll try again one day, but for now I'm just trying to figure out who I am again. And the thing is, I truly don't know.
I didn't know before I started my ascent into addiction either. I seemed to just float from one job to another, never really feeling like I had found a worthwhile career in life, just doing things to pay the bills. So for me, it's a bit hard to get excited about being "restored" to sanity, or being restored to a place where I was before I began using. Certainly it was better than where I'm at today in terms of the quality of my relationships. That's a no brainer. But it wasn't a LOT better. It's not a state of living I would call happy, nor something to wish to be restored to.
The one thing I have found truly valuable about my experience with AA and NA is, while it hasn't ultimately had any great impact on the overwhelming ferocity of my desire to use, it gave me an opportunity to get involved in service work. In my experience, that, plus the fellowship a little, has been the only good thing about it.
Well I guess I'll wrap up here. Obviously I'm depressed -- I know that. I take antidepressants which are very effective against PMS, not so much against the total anhilation of all things worthwhile in life caused by my alcoholism. I don't think there's a pill big and strong enough to take that on -- or if there is, it's a part of the problem and not the solution.
I am trying to find a reason to keep trying tonight, just to get through the day without picking up. You'd think the evidence of my demolished life would be reason enough, wouldn't you, but unfortunately, it's that mountain of pain and sorrow that I want to run from. I will read other people's account of success on here and hope to find inspiration.
I chose my name for two reasons. The first, I didn't want to give my real name. Thought of calling myself "Veronica" or "Sharon" but somehow I thought Friday sounded a little sportier. Like "His Girl" Friday. That's all I've ever really wanted to be in this life, his girl. The only thing I've ever cared about is being in a relationship, giving and receiving love. I still feel like that person, though I want to being doing things a different way. The other half of the name is Night, for Elie Wiesel's beautiful book about the holocaust. That title sort of gets at the sum total of my soul right now. It's just pitch pitch black in there.
Hope the rest of you are having sunnier days.
I wish I could say why that's hard. I've always tended to be shy. It's perhaps a little easier to do this online than at a meeting.
But more than that, I just feel like I'm a waste of other people's time. I'm sure that sounds completely warped and self centered (a la "I'm not much but I"m all I think about...." or that the flip side of arrogance is shame)
The thing is I've been around the rooms for about 7 years now and I have at times worked a fairly diligent program, but my illness always overpowers my, or anyone else's, best efforts and energies. I feel like a lost cause.
Often times when I do share at meetings anymore where I'm really at, I actually ask people in the rooms NOT to come up to me afterwards with their phone numbers. I tell them, and this is undoubtedly selfish but it's quite true, that while doing so may help them, it only makes me feel more isolated and like a failure, because I know I won't be able to use those numbers when I need to. I may use them when I'm doing relatively OK, but when my disease takes hold again, I think my way out of asking for help. That IS my disease...it completely and utterly warps my thinking. I just believe down to my bones that calling won't help. And in fact this has borne itself out many times in reality. I've used as many times after calling someone as not. I'm done wasting a sponsor's valuable time with my nonsense.
So I suppose I'm introducing myself in the strangest of ways here, but maybe it's enough to simply state that the kinds of advice normally proferred to newcomers are lost on me. I already have contacts and meeting schedules, and am planning to pick back up on my meeting attendance starting 10am tomorrow morning.
I just wanted to write a little about how it feels tonight.
And tonight I am, as the subject says, demoralized. I'm trying to remember that my life might someday not be what it is today. Today, there is nothing and no one in my life anymore that I really care about. I lost my husband to my disease last year. He is a truly incredible man and I miss him every day. I had to move out of our home, so I'm separated physically from the only "children" I"ll ever have, which are my dogs. I try to get up to take care of them as often as I can, but it's nothing like living with them.
I'm middle aged now, 43. I find that while I have friends, as in women I admire and care about, there are only a couple in the whole world who really mean a lot to me. It's like my grandmother said, at the end of your life, you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand. These women, they have their own lives and families. We can talk on the phone and occasionally get together, but as an adult, I find that frienships are sort of temporary happy distractions from ones life, rather than a central focus.
I've tried dating since my divorce. I suppose I did it just to prove to myself that I was still desirable. And, like a lot of recently divorced people, I sort of went through a string of short term, fun, but ultimately meaningless relationships. I met some interesting people, but again these things all felt like just distractions from the business of getting on with life.
So I've given up on dating as well. Maybe I'll try again one day, but for now I'm just trying to figure out who I am again. And the thing is, I truly don't know.
I didn't know before I started my ascent into addiction either. I seemed to just float from one job to another, never really feeling like I had found a worthwhile career in life, just doing things to pay the bills. So for me, it's a bit hard to get excited about being "restored" to sanity, or being restored to a place where I was before I began using. Certainly it was better than where I'm at today in terms of the quality of my relationships. That's a no brainer. But it wasn't a LOT better. It's not a state of living I would call happy, nor something to wish to be restored to.
The one thing I have found truly valuable about my experience with AA and NA is, while it hasn't ultimately had any great impact on the overwhelming ferocity of my desire to use, it gave me an opportunity to get involved in service work. In my experience, that, plus the fellowship a little, has been the only good thing about it.
Well I guess I'll wrap up here. Obviously I'm depressed -- I know that. I take antidepressants which are very effective against PMS, not so much against the total anhilation of all things worthwhile in life caused by my alcoholism. I don't think there's a pill big and strong enough to take that on -- or if there is, it's a part of the problem and not the solution.
I am trying to find a reason to keep trying tonight, just to get through the day without picking up. You'd think the evidence of my demolished life would be reason enough, wouldn't you, but unfortunately, it's that mountain of pain and sorrow that I want to run from. I will read other people's account of success on here and hope to find inspiration.
I chose my name for two reasons. The first, I didn't want to give my real name. Thought of calling myself "Veronica" or "Sharon" but somehow I thought Friday sounded a little sportier. Like "His Girl" Friday. That's all I've ever really wanted to be in this life, his girl. The only thing I've ever cared about is being in a relationship, giving and receiving love. I still feel like that person, though I want to being doing things a different way. The other half of the name is Night, for Elie Wiesel's beautiful book about the holocaust. That title sort of gets at the sum total of my soul right now. It's just pitch pitch black in there.
Hope the rest of you are having sunnier days.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 44
FridayNight - You needn't be so hard on yourself. And by the way you are a fabulous writer, I am extremely envious. Congrats on deciding to pick up on meetings tomorrow.
You are not alone. We've all lost something due to our addictions. We've all felt as though there was simply no hope. My hope for you is that you remember that this feeling too, shall pass. Don't give up on yourself. You are sooo much stronger than you think...we all are! Yesterday I gave up on myself, and gave into temptation, and let me tell you I felt a million times worse afterwards then before I touched a drink. Giving into the enemy will honestly leave you feeling worse. Think about how proud you'll be tomorrow when you wake up, and realize you fought the demons last night. You'll get out of bed and go to a meeting. It will feel SO much better than the alternative.
I'm speaking in circles - just hold on, and have faith. I believe in you, now believe in yourself! Best of luck and be safe!
xo Dianna
You are not alone. We've all lost something due to our addictions. We've all felt as though there was simply no hope. My hope for you is that you remember that this feeling too, shall pass. Don't give up on yourself. You are sooo much stronger than you think...we all are! Yesterday I gave up on myself, and gave into temptation, and let me tell you I felt a million times worse afterwards then before I touched a drink. Giving into the enemy will honestly leave you feeling worse. Think about how proud you'll be tomorrow when you wake up, and realize you fought the demons last night. You'll get out of bed and go to a meeting. It will feel SO much better than the alternative.
I'm speaking in circles - just hold on, and have faith. I believe in you, now believe in yourself! Best of luck and be safe!
xo Dianna
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome FridayNight - I'm glad you're here and reaching out. I don't think there's anything darker than being in an active addiction. Have you had any periods of sobriety? It's hard to tell if you've been sober for a while or are on day 1.
You talk about the lack of relationships in your life, but what you might need is a better relationship with yourself. I didn't care about myself when I was drinking. I didn't think I could really be happy again either. I also was taking medication for depression, but it doesn't work (I found out later) when you add alcohol.
Have you tried anything beside meetings? I know some people work with addictions counselors, psychiatrists, etc.. And this forum works for me - it's great because it's available 24/7.
I hope you can find hope again - because I believe it's there for each of us if
we don't give up.
You talk about the lack of relationships in your life, but what you might need is a better relationship with yourself. I didn't care about myself when I was drinking. I didn't think I could really be happy again either. I also was taking medication for depression, but it doesn't work (I found out later) when you add alcohol.
Have you tried anything beside meetings? I know some people work with addictions counselors, psychiatrists, etc.. And this forum works for me - it's great because it's available 24/7.
I hope you can find hope again - because I believe it's there for each of us if
we don't give up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 36
Hi Fridaynight,
Your story is pretty familiar to mine, I am 43 as well, but a male and marriage failed. I have a 5 year old son who means the world to me but my addiction has caught up with me and threatening my everything basically, especially recently. I have been doing nothing but trying to recover, only to fail and try again, how much "again" can one do?? This just wears you out!
I liked your post and will try to look at the positive and count on you as a freind on this if I can. Thanks for sharing.
Your story is pretty familiar to mine, I am 43 as well, but a male and marriage failed. I have a 5 year old son who means the world to me but my addiction has caught up with me and threatening my everything basically, especially recently. I have been doing nothing but trying to recover, only to fail and try again, how much "again" can one do?? This just wears you out!
I liked your post and will try to look at the positive and count on you as a freind on this if I can. Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
There are some people, suffering from depression, avoidant personality disorder, etc. for whom all of the supportive gestures have the opposite effect. Like you, when I am at meetings I feel more alone and more of a failure. Even the warmest attempt at kindness in that context makes me feel like dirt.
If you are on antidepressants, I assume you are seeing a therapist. It took me years to admit that I had this issue even in therapy. But once I did, he was able to refer me to help with this problem. Your recovery may have to take a slightly different path than others. This is unfortunate, but it is not the end of the world. People who get nothing from meetings and fellowship can still find recovery.
If your therapist specializes in addiction, he/she may have encountered this problem before. If he/she cannot help you, find another who can.
If you are on antidepressants, I assume you are seeing a therapist. It took me years to admit that I had this issue even in therapy. But once I did, he was able to refer me to help with this problem. Your recovery may have to take a slightly different path than others. This is unfortunate, but it is not the end of the world. People who get nothing from meetings and fellowship can still find recovery.
If your therapist specializes in addiction, he/she may have encountered this problem before. If he/she cannot help you, find another who can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 15
Well I had posted another reply earlier, but somehow it didn't register on this page. I just wanted to thank those of you who took the time to share with me tonight. It does help a great deal to know that there are others out there fighting the good fight who are willing to offer experience strength and hope.
Wanted to answer ArtSoul's question (great name btw)Iand one I can really relate to). I currently don't have much time at all. In the past 7 years I have gotten just over a year once, just shy of 6 months once, and a few months (3 or more) strung together more times than I can count. But this last year and a half, really ever since I figured out that my marriage was ending, I haven't put together more than a couple weeks at a stretch -- just a drug holiday really.
Unlike many or most of us, I am seemingly functional even under the influence. I have had no, or minimal (just a couple speeding tickets) legal consequences. I tend to do things like show up for work on time and be less bitchy to my coworkers (and thus get into less trouble all around) when I'm in active addiction. My chronic low grade depression is perhaps practically speaking more troublesome than my active addiction just in terms of day to day functioning. That's probably why I consider myself to be such a tough case.
I say "seemingly" more functional because the other side of the coin is that once active, I'm in a cycle of compulsive behavior again, and I truly do lose the best parts of my personality. It's just that in terms of employment, my true personality can be something of a hindrance. Maybe it's the same story for all of us. We don't get into our drug use and drinking because we're so happy and functional in our lives. We do these things to get relief from our number one enemy and basic probelm - ourselves.
In response to Dinamic, I just wanted to thank you for your compliment and say Oh how I would trade all the writing talent and insight in the world for just being average and normal and hopefully protected from my own insane thinking. Like so many of us, I have always had certain gifts and talents -- potential that I never manage to make the most of -- a typical case like is described in the big book that can build up her prospects and then pull them all crashing down on her head, serving as a greater disapppointment to family and friends as a result. I'm someone who could really be somebody and do great things, if only I weren't so sick.
In responsne to Iron Lung, I just wanted to add that my number one regret in life is not having children. I know it's easy to say when you don't have the responsibility to live your life up to the needs in an innocent ones eyes, but I would give anything to see a sunny five year old smiling up at me from time to time. It's the kind of thing that makes a life worth living. And whatever the wear and tear of recovery, it pales in comparison to the toll of being active. It's just so easy to forget that when the going gets rough. Pain and difficulty doesn't lend itself to comparison - it just feels painful and difficult, no less so for being a "better quality of problem." I wish you endurance and your son the father he deserves. But mostly I wish you the you that you deserve. That's what it comes down to, no?
To everyone, I will try to keep my eyes on the positive and will certainly count your friendship among my blessings. I will try to check into this board as often as I can to give my support where I can. Thanks for helping me today.
Wanted to answer ArtSoul's question (great name btw)Iand one I can really relate to). I currently don't have much time at all. In the past 7 years I have gotten just over a year once, just shy of 6 months once, and a few months (3 or more) strung together more times than I can count. But this last year and a half, really ever since I figured out that my marriage was ending, I haven't put together more than a couple weeks at a stretch -- just a drug holiday really.
Unlike many or most of us, I am seemingly functional even under the influence. I have had no, or minimal (just a couple speeding tickets) legal consequences. I tend to do things like show up for work on time and be less bitchy to my coworkers (and thus get into less trouble all around) when I'm in active addiction. My chronic low grade depression is perhaps practically speaking more troublesome than my active addiction just in terms of day to day functioning. That's probably why I consider myself to be such a tough case.
I say "seemingly" more functional because the other side of the coin is that once active, I'm in a cycle of compulsive behavior again, and I truly do lose the best parts of my personality. It's just that in terms of employment, my true personality can be something of a hindrance. Maybe it's the same story for all of us. We don't get into our drug use and drinking because we're so happy and functional in our lives. We do these things to get relief from our number one enemy and basic probelm - ourselves.
In response to Dinamic, I just wanted to thank you for your compliment and say Oh how I would trade all the writing talent and insight in the world for just being average and normal and hopefully protected from my own insane thinking. Like so many of us, I have always had certain gifts and talents -- potential that I never manage to make the most of -- a typical case like is described in the big book that can build up her prospects and then pull them all crashing down on her head, serving as a greater disapppointment to family and friends as a result. I'm someone who could really be somebody and do great things, if only I weren't so sick.
In responsne to Iron Lung, I just wanted to add that my number one regret in life is not having children. I know it's easy to say when you don't have the responsibility to live your life up to the needs in an innocent ones eyes, but I would give anything to see a sunny five year old smiling up at me from time to time. It's the kind of thing that makes a life worth living. And whatever the wear and tear of recovery, it pales in comparison to the toll of being active. It's just so easy to forget that when the going gets rough. Pain and difficulty doesn't lend itself to comparison - it just feels painful and difficult, no less so for being a "better quality of problem." I wish you endurance and your son the father he deserves. But mostly I wish you the you that you deserve. That's what it comes down to, no?
To everyone, I will try to keep my eyes on the positive and will certainly count your friendship among my blessings. I will try to check into this board as often as I can to give my support where I can. Thanks for helping me today.
Wandering Student of Life
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: MSP MN
Posts: 126
Fridaynight,
I've read your posts and I feel like I could probably write paragraphs to you in complete empathy. I really don't want to bombard you though
One thing that caught my eye that I wanted to quick point out to you is this little anecdotal thing:
My very first screen name on any message board/chat/internet site years and years ago happened to be: alostcause.
Oh, real quick, about depression and therapy and treatment: I got misdiagnosed! I didn't know it until my relapse in March here, and it turns out the treatment I was getting for my misdiagnosis was actually subtly making things worse! I had been diagnosed as having varying degrees of depression, anxiety, and (now) grief/loss issues. Well, being on the anti-depressants for that would've been great I'm sure, if that were the whole story. Unfortunately, it turns out that I am instead very much bi-polar. Some anti-depressants can dangerously exacerbate the lowest of the lows of bi-polar disorder, and this was happening to me. I thought the meds and treatment were working during my manic phases..... but the lows were making me unravel.
So, I brought this up so I could summarize with: ALWAYS be willing to keep the discussion about your mental health OPEN. Professionals can be off, and you can change - just keep dedicated to it!
I'm glad you made it to SR - this is a wonderful message board and community
Blessed be, and merry part!
WW
I've read your posts and I feel like I could probably write paragraphs to you in complete empathy. I really don't want to bombard you though
One thing that caught my eye that I wanted to quick point out to you is this little anecdotal thing:
My very first screen name on any message board/chat/internet site years and years ago happened to be: alostcause.
Oh, real quick, about depression and therapy and treatment: I got misdiagnosed! I didn't know it until my relapse in March here, and it turns out the treatment I was getting for my misdiagnosis was actually subtly making things worse! I had been diagnosed as having varying degrees of depression, anxiety, and (now) grief/loss issues. Well, being on the anti-depressants for that would've been great I'm sure, if that were the whole story. Unfortunately, it turns out that I am instead very much bi-polar. Some anti-depressants can dangerously exacerbate the lowest of the lows of bi-polar disorder, and this was happening to me. I thought the meds and treatment were working during my manic phases..... but the lows were making me unravel.
So, I brought this up so I could summarize with: ALWAYS be willing to keep the discussion about your mental health OPEN. Professionals can be off, and you can change - just keep dedicated to it!
I'm glad you made it to SR - this is a wonderful message board and community
Blessed be, and merry part!
WW
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi FridayNight
I remember feeling much like it seems you do - I was at an emotional low, I felt as if I totally and utterly worthless, I couldn't figure out why I was still alive, and it felt that way for as long as I remembered.
Then I nearly died (from my drinking) and if it did anything, it helped me work out that I didn't want to die.
It wasn't much to work on but it was a start.
I didn't know how, but I knew I had to change my life - and hopefully myself. I started with a specific task - not drinking.
I came here, I leaned very hard on the support I got, and I gave a lot back - it helped me to get out of myself by helping others if only for a minute or two.
I struggled and I sweated, I strained - but I didn't give in and drink.
I felt my perceptions about myself changing the more I stayed sober, and the more I wanted to work on myself and tackle issues I'd been avoiding for years. Step by step I moved from my old life into my new one.
It's not a quick process and it's not always an easy one - but I'm light years away from who I used to be and that makes it worth it for me.
I hope you can find as much use out of Sober Recovery as I have, Friday
Welcome!
D
I remember feeling much like it seems you do - I was at an emotional low, I felt as if I totally and utterly worthless, I couldn't figure out why I was still alive, and it felt that way for as long as I remembered.
Then I nearly died (from my drinking) and if it did anything, it helped me work out that I didn't want to die.
It wasn't much to work on but it was a start.
I didn't know how, but I knew I had to change my life - and hopefully myself. I started with a specific task - not drinking.
I came here, I leaned very hard on the support I got, and I gave a lot back - it helped me to get out of myself by helping others if only for a minute or two.
I struggled and I sweated, I strained - but I didn't give in and drink.
I felt my perceptions about myself changing the more I stayed sober, and the more I wanted to work on myself and tackle issues I'd been avoiding for years. Step by step I moved from my old life into my new one.
It's not a quick process and it's not always an easy one - but I'm light years away from who I used to be and that makes it worth it for me.
I hope you can find as much use out of Sober Recovery as I have, Friday
Welcome!
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I'm glad you decided to join with us
Welcome.....
Depression is why I decided to stop drinking.
I had come to detest the woman I was.
I was in AA ...and I returned to drinking often
Took me 4 years to actually quit...at 52.
Here's what finally worked for me.....I read a book
"Under The Influence" by Milam and Ketcham.
Please read the excerpts we have here...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I reconnected to God and AA....I've not had another drink.
I also checked with my doctor....and followed the eating
plan + vitamin/supplements recommended there.
Sorry...those are not in the excerpts but it's based on
treating hypoglycemia.
I think that helped with the overall healing....I was back
in physical and mental balance by the end of 2 months.
My experience may be of no value for you....but I wanted
you to know anyway....
Please do keep sharing with us....we care
Welcome.....
Depression is why I decided to stop drinking.
I had come to detest the woman I was.
I was in AA ...and I returned to drinking often
Took me 4 years to actually quit...at 52.
Here's what finally worked for me.....I read a book
"Under The Influence" by Milam and Ketcham.
Please read the excerpts we have here...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I reconnected to God and AA....I've not had another drink.
I also checked with my doctor....and followed the eating
plan + vitamin/supplements recommended there.
Sorry...those are not in the excerpts but it's based on
treating hypoglycemia.
I think that helped with the overall healing....I was back
in physical and mental balance by the end of 2 months.
My experience may be of no value for you....but I wanted
you to know anyway....
Please do keep sharing with us....we care
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Welcome, Fridaynight. It's wonderful to have you here.
I have similar feelings about myself - always was shy & self-conscious, & the liquor took the edge off. When I came to SR I was broken and battered. My friends here got me through the early days of withdrawal & took away my feelings of isolation. Not being alone anymore made all the difference. I had no one in my life to share my story with. Most thought of alcoholism as a character flaw & sign of weakness. I know better now, & I no longer hang my head in sorrow & remorse.
May you find peace and tranquility here, and learn to live again.
I have similar feelings about myself - always was shy & self-conscious, & the liquor took the edge off. When I came to SR I was broken and battered. My friends here got me through the early days of withdrawal & took away my feelings of isolation. Not being alone anymore made all the difference. I had no one in my life to share my story with. Most thought of alcoholism as a character flaw & sign of weakness. I know better now, & I no longer hang my head in sorrow & remorse.
May you find peace and tranquility here, and learn to live again.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Welcome Fridaynight,
I'm glad you found us and that you recognize that you have a problem.
You mention your chronic low-grade depression, and for me, it was that which ultimately caused me to begin to self-medicate. I was told by a couple of drs that I was not depressed, after all I had put on makeup and gotten dressed to come to the appointments. The ignorance of those drs added a new level to my depression and self-medicating with alcohol was the only way to survive that I could see.
You will find a wealth of support and inspiration here. So please continue to read and post.
I'm glad you found us and that you recognize that you have a problem.
You mention your chronic low-grade depression, and for me, it was that which ultimately caused me to begin to self-medicate. I was told by a couple of drs that I was not depressed, after all I had put on makeup and gotten dressed to come to the appointments. The ignorance of those drs added a new level to my depression and self-medicating with alcohol was the only way to survive that I could see.
You will find a wealth of support and inspiration here. So please continue to read and post.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Fridaynight,
I don't often post here at SR, but I saw your thread, and found myself wanting to respond to you. I hope that you return to AA, and that you get involved in the program right away. You mentioned that being active in service has helped you in the past - please don't wait until you have been sober x amount of days, weeks or years to give back - you can make coffee, greet new members, set up meetings etc as you know. I'm sure it will give you a sense of purpose and usefulness which may be absent in your life right now.
I've suffered from chronic depression since my teens but didn't treat it until my twenties and thirties. I've attempted suicide while under the influence. Last July, when my medication was abruptly switched, I became suicidal and had to be hospitalized in the psych ward. I stayed sober through all of this - and more. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II depression, but my life has never been better. I thought my life would be better with a man in my life - but I was wrong. I've been single over two years - I'm a 42 year old woman - and I love my independence. I'll have 4 years clean and sober next week. I take my medication as prescribed, I see my shrink regularly, I'm active in AA, I sponsor someone, and I just do the best that I can today. When my depression surfaces, as it does on occasion, I'm extra gentle with myself and ride it out.
Please don't feel that you are somehow different and beyond hope. Take action - and watch your world unfold.
I don't often post here at SR, but I saw your thread, and found myself wanting to respond to you. I hope that you return to AA, and that you get involved in the program right away. You mentioned that being active in service has helped you in the past - please don't wait until you have been sober x amount of days, weeks or years to give back - you can make coffee, greet new members, set up meetings etc as you know. I'm sure it will give you a sense of purpose and usefulness which may be absent in your life right now.
I've suffered from chronic depression since my teens but didn't treat it until my twenties and thirties. I've attempted suicide while under the influence. Last July, when my medication was abruptly switched, I became suicidal and had to be hospitalized in the psych ward. I stayed sober through all of this - and more. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II depression, but my life has never been better. I thought my life would be better with a man in my life - but I was wrong. I've been single over two years - I'm a 42 year old woman - and I love my independence. I'll have 4 years clean and sober next week. I take my medication as prescribed, I see my shrink regularly, I'm active in AA, I sponsor someone, and I just do the best that I can today. When my depression surfaces, as it does on occasion, I'm extra gentle with myself and ride it out.
Please don't feel that you are somehow different and beyond hope. Take action - and watch your world unfold.
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