Bewildered
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Bewildered
Just need a little feed back, input, advice or whatever.....I am feeling very strange and can't seem to shake it.
My husband went to a friends on Sat. to grill out (instead of going to our oldest sons BB game which is where I was) and watch a football game. The game didn't start until 7:45 so I figured it would be a day of beer guzzling. I made plans for my girlfriend to come over and watch the game....my two oldest spent the night away from home so I only had the 3yr old. We had a nice evening and turned in before 11. My husband never came home or called again.....He showed up 10:30 Sunday morning looking like he had been to hell and back. I said hello and informed him that I was taking the 3yr old to the movies w/my sister and it was his responsibility to be home for the boys.....either just to be there or pick them up if need be. I did not cook or make an effor to be home before dinner.
The next day the "friends" wife called....she had come home at 7pm the night before and all the lights were on, music playing all the cars there, but no men. They had taken a cab to the local bar (hmmmm I thought they were watching a game) I am guessing and didn't get in until 4am.
Now, I didn't go seeking this info it just landed in my lap....I live in a very rural area and I can't imagine that the bar stayed open until 4am.....not to mention the "friend and the wife" are going through a divorce.
So my husband has volunteered no info as to why, where, or I am sorry and I haven't asked....do I leave it at that? do I ask?
The strange part is I am not mad.....not dissapointed......not disgusted, but sad and distant.....is this good or bad?
I am so confused
Blessings
Constant
My husband went to a friends on Sat. to grill out (instead of going to our oldest sons BB game which is where I was) and watch a football game. The game didn't start until 7:45 so I figured it would be a day of beer guzzling. I made plans for my girlfriend to come over and watch the game....my two oldest spent the night away from home so I only had the 3yr old. We had a nice evening and turned in before 11. My husband never came home or called again.....He showed up 10:30 Sunday morning looking like he had been to hell and back. I said hello and informed him that I was taking the 3yr old to the movies w/my sister and it was his responsibility to be home for the boys.....either just to be there or pick them up if need be. I did not cook or make an effor to be home before dinner.
The next day the "friends" wife called....she had come home at 7pm the night before and all the lights were on, music playing all the cars there, but no men. They had taken a cab to the local bar (hmmmm I thought they were watching a game) I am guessing and didn't get in until 4am.
Now, I didn't go seeking this info it just landed in my lap....I live in a very rural area and I can't imagine that the bar stayed open until 4am.....not to mention the "friend and the wife" are going through a divorce.
So my husband has volunteered no info as to why, where, or I am sorry and I haven't asked....do I leave it at that? do I ask?
The strange part is I am not mad.....not dissapointed......not disgusted, but sad and distant.....is this good or bad?
I am so confused
Blessings
Constant
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Wellll, I have a tendency to assume/believe the worst and run with it. Half the time I believe what they say and the other half I decide I don't. My husband was MIA this weekend too but I chose to believe his story, this time...
I guess it depends on whether or not you'll be able to let it go. If it's going to keep haunting you, then ask him about it and see how he reacts. If you'd rather not go through all that, kiss it up to God and let it go. As you said before, you didn't go seeking any details, they came to you. It's my belief that if we can just manage to let stuff go, our HP will tell us everything we need to know. My biggest problem is the letting go part...
I know exactly how you're feeling right now - hang in there.
Hugs,
JG
I guess it depends on whether or not you'll be able to let it go. If it's going to keep haunting you, then ask him about it and see how he reacts. If you'd rather not go through all that, kiss it up to God and let it go. As you said before, you didn't go seeking any details, they came to you. It's my belief that if we can just manage to let stuff go, our HP will tell us everything we need to know. My biggest problem is the letting go part...
I know exactly how you're feeling right now - hang in there.
Hugs,
JG
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Not looking?? Heck the guy didn't come home all night! That is not hard to stumble across and it is an obvious elephant in the living room smelling the place up of peanut breath.
I don't know how you live...or if this kind of thing happens often. Married people have to be accountable to each other.
Hugs,
JT
I don't know how you live...or if this kind of thing happens often. Married people have to be accountable to each other.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Not to put thoughts in your head, but I guess you're wondering if there could have been some infidelity. If he looked like he'd been to hell, he must have been roaring drunk so 1)who'd want him and 2) what could he do about it if they did? If the friend is going through a divorce, my first thought would be they stocked up and went to go sit by the creek, drink, throw rocks at trees and cuss about "wimmin".
Yes, it's irresponsible and irritating. But it sounds like you handled it with a lot of class. That sad and distant thing is the fringes of detachment. That's great!
Yes, it's irresponsible and irritating. But it sounds like you handled it with a lot of class. That sad and distant thing is the fringes of detachment. That's great!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Constant,
When my H was actively using, he would leave for days the longest time was a week, before I'd see him again. He preferred to drink alone, and I never really thought he would actually cheat on me, the goal was to get away from me so he could drink himself to oblivion in peace!
Since he went thru treatment and has been sober, and we've talked I did ask him one time if he'd ever been unfaithful to me and he said no. I told him that was the one thing I couldn't forgive. I believed what he said and dropped it. Like Journeygal says, you can give it over to God and he will tell you what you need to know.
My guess is your H did the same thing--didn't want to face you so didn't come home. If that's not it, you'll find out. My exH cheated on me all the time and I always found out, and I never had to seek for the information either.
Hang in there...hugs,
When my H was actively using, he would leave for days the longest time was a week, before I'd see him again. He preferred to drink alone, and I never really thought he would actually cheat on me, the goal was to get away from me so he could drink himself to oblivion in peace!
Since he went thru treatment and has been sober, and we've talked I did ask him one time if he'd ever been unfaithful to me and he said no. I told him that was the one thing I couldn't forgive. I believed what he said and dropped it. Like Journeygal says, you can give it over to God and he will tell you what you need to know.
My guess is your H did the same thing--didn't want to face you so didn't come home. If that's not it, you'll find out. My exH cheated on me all the time and I always found out, and I never had to seek for the information either.
Hang in there...hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
My A frequently disppears for a couple of days. I only search him down now if I really need him for something (which is not very often,unless he took off with the car) If I ask him later where he was,I'm pretty sure he tells me the truth.
I'm pretty sure he has not cheated tho. Cheating- that would be WRONG. Abuse?? That would be WRONG.. His drinking is not wrong- he's just a SOCIAL drinker. Denial is not just a river in Egypt!!!
I'm pretty sure he has not cheated tho. Cheating- that would be WRONG. Abuse?? That would be WRONG.. His drinking is not wrong- he's just a SOCIAL drinker. Denial is not just a river in Egypt!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Thanks everyone......he still hasn't mentioned it. Strange...he usually does, at least some comment on some part of the evening, but he said nothing.
Funny I was reading the addictive personality that Pernell spent tons of time posting some time ago and I was surprised to find my husband with that "he is very important" attitude. I had never noticed it before.....yesterday he was all about how busy he is and people he doesn't even know are sending him work and how will he ever have time to do it all. Ya know what, I used to get caught up in his work, but now I struggle to even pay attention to what he is saying.
The hardest part about all of this is that I know what is coming...he is stilll feeling bad about whatever happened even if nothing happened except for the fact that he was rip roaring drunk, but there is going to be the day (probably today) he is going to want to feel good about himself....and that means sex. THIS is where I have a problem if you sneak off and run around and don't show up or call and ACT like nothing is wrong......WHY WOULD I WANT TO or BE EXPECTED TO? Once that act has occured he feels as if all is forgotten.....I guess he gets all warm and fuzzy and I just feel the same only a bit used.
The good part is I don't feel distracted and like I am walking around in a fog....I am still living!!!
Blessings
Constant
Funny I was reading the addictive personality that Pernell spent tons of time posting some time ago and I was surprised to find my husband with that "he is very important" attitude. I had never noticed it before.....yesterday he was all about how busy he is and people he doesn't even know are sending him work and how will he ever have time to do it all. Ya know what, I used to get caught up in his work, but now I struggle to even pay attention to what he is saying.
The hardest part about all of this is that I know what is coming...he is stilll feeling bad about whatever happened even if nothing happened except for the fact that he was rip roaring drunk, but there is going to be the day (probably today) he is going to want to feel good about himself....and that means sex. THIS is where I have a problem if you sneak off and run around and don't show up or call and ACT like nothing is wrong......WHY WOULD I WANT TO or BE EXPECTED TO? Once that act has occured he feels as if all is forgotten.....I guess he gets all warm and fuzzy and I just feel the same only a bit used.
The good part is I don't feel distracted and like I am walking around in a fog....I am still living!!!
Blessings
Constant
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Constant
I know how this goes - I've lived it too.
And no matter how far into our own recovery we are, we still wonder WHAT they were doing... in MY case, I go crazy thinking WHO saw him, and what he did that is going to embarress me.
Before my AH went into recovery, there were times when he would go out and get really drunk and high; be gone for days... and then act as if nothing happened. I WANTED the remorse! I wanted him to come sucking up to me, and cry on my shoulder. When I didn't get this satisfaction, I often felt lost and like things were going downhill FAST.
It is insane. The payoff I got from his using... Because at least when he drank and used, and was gone for days, I had something to hold over his head - and things would be "good" for at least a week or so.
And I have to respond to your last post... about the "sex therapy". You know, I still can't get it through my head. Why in the world they NEED it to feel good about themselves. That the whole rest of their pathetic lives are falling apart at their fingertips, yet a good ol' roll in the hay makes it all better. Perhaps it is not this simple; I KNOW it's not.
For G, the sex makes him feel worthy...
For me however, it does not BRING me self-worth. For me to want to have sex, I have to already be feeling good about myself, AND be feeling good about him.
It seems like for them it can become a band-aid - not a good thing.
Anyhow, take care
and big hugs,
Meg
I know how this goes - I've lived it too.
And no matter how far into our own recovery we are, we still wonder WHAT they were doing... in MY case, I go crazy thinking WHO saw him, and what he did that is going to embarress me.
Before my AH went into recovery, there were times when he would go out and get really drunk and high; be gone for days... and then act as if nothing happened. I WANTED the remorse! I wanted him to come sucking up to me, and cry on my shoulder. When I didn't get this satisfaction, I often felt lost and like things were going downhill FAST.
It is insane. The payoff I got from his using... Because at least when he drank and used, and was gone for days, I had something to hold over his head - and things would be "good" for at least a week or so.
And I have to respond to your last post... about the "sex therapy". You know, I still can't get it through my head. Why in the world they NEED it to feel good about themselves. That the whole rest of their pathetic lives are falling apart at their fingertips, yet a good ol' roll in the hay makes it all better. Perhaps it is not this simple; I KNOW it's not.
For G, the sex makes him feel worthy...
For me however, it does not BRING me self-worth. For me to want to have sex, I have to already be feeling good about myself, AND be feeling good about him.
It seems like for them it can become a band-aid - not a good thing.
Anyhow, take care
and big hugs,
Meg
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Meg, I hear you loud and clear with the band-aid....I don't want to be the band-aid anymore!!!
This past summer when he wasn't drinking, I had never been happier and sex was not an issue....yes sometimes I WAS tired or really wasn't in the mood, but he was nice and helpful and I felt very close to him so it wasn't a big deal BUT NOW...... I don't feel close....don't want to be close and I guess when it rears it's ugly head (no pun intended) I will tell him how I feel and why I don't want to. It used to be something I would hold out or "punish" him with, but now it truely is lack of closeness and desire. I feel as though we have been living a lie the past few days.....I am sure it won't be a pretty scene and I'll end up on the couch...or in the kids room, but I have to be honest.
Blessings,
Constant
This past summer when he wasn't drinking, I had never been happier and sex was not an issue....yes sometimes I WAS tired or really wasn't in the mood, but he was nice and helpful and I felt very close to him so it wasn't a big deal BUT NOW...... I don't feel close....don't want to be close and I guess when it rears it's ugly head (no pun intended) I will tell him how I feel and why I don't want to. It used to be something I would hold out or "punish" him with, but now it truely is lack of closeness and desire. I feel as though we have been living a lie the past few days.....I am sure it won't be a pretty scene and I'll end up on the couch...or in the kids room, but I have to be honest.
Blessings,
Constant
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