theuncertainty

I finally finished my paperwork for a divorce and filed. I was so incredibly anxious through the process of signing, having pages notarized, and actually filing with the Court Clerk. I was afraid that for some weird reason STBXAH would be driving by and see me at the Justice Center or parking or walking into the court building (he rarely goes to either areas of town - hates them for some reason...). But he didn't.

For the rest of the afternoon, I basically tormented myself trying to figure out how he'll react.

1. He'll fly off into one of his rages and come over p---ed off.
2. He'll start (keep?) drinking just enough to get his courage up to come over while p---ed off.
3. He'll start up his pity-party again and drink so much that he just passes out.
4. He'll either drink or not and involve his GF and/or sister who will insist on hiring a lawyer to fight for him to get more visits/custody of our son.... But maybe not, I've included not only information about his alcoholism but also info about the domestic violence in our relationship, and maybe he'll be too embarrassed/ashamed of it to show the paperwork to anyone else.... Or maybe he'll keep lying and saying he would never and it's all me....

However, I've realized that there is no way to predict how he's going to react and I can't plan for every contingency. So what I've planned on doing:

• I've asked to take Friday off (I'm assuming it'll take until at least tomorrow for the certified/registered mail to get to him), and will leave for our planned camping trip early. (STBXAH doesn't know which campground we're going to.)
• I'll be calling my Dad today to see if my son and I can spend a few days next week (while my sister is out of town for work) with him. I'll still have to come into work then, but our son will not be at home with just my Mom and nephews.
• I'm going to talk with my sister about maybe having her boys actually go to the day camp they're signed up for, for the 1st few days of the week.
• I'll let Mom know that maybe this week is a good week for her to gad-about town with the boys, if they don't go to camp....
• I work at a locked building so if he turns up here, I can tell the front desk to not let him through and call security.
• I've spoken to AWAIC and the Justice Center and can have their help filing any restraining orders if they are necessary and have other safe places to go if needed.

The weight is off my shoulders and I'm finally untangleing myself from him, his lies and cr-ppy treatment. I'm still afraid of what he'll do, but I've got plans that will help protect me and our son, at least until he has a few days to calm down....

I do have one question: Should I tell the Front Desk crew and Security staff now? I feel like I may be over-reacting, but STBXAH does have a temper and sh---y lifes skills for dealing with anger and frustration.

Thanks for letting me write it out all.

nodaybut2day

Congratulations on taking this HUGE important next step.

Your safety plan seems well-thought out. If I were you, I would discuss your STBXAH with the front desk. It doesn't matter if it looks like you're over-reacting. Better that than ending up injured or worse.

Have you made a call to your local police department to ask for their advice in this situation? Considering the fact that your ex has a history of violence and that he'll be served with divorce papers, it would be nice to touch base with someone there through their non-emergency number. I'd definitely be very clear to everyone in your family about the potential for trouble from your STBXAH when he gets served, just so they know what's actually going on.

Aside from that, you're doing AWESOME!!

sirpher

Good for you for going on to the next step. Keep up the plans for your son, and while you can't plan for every contingency, looks like you have done a good job with your plan.

As far as letting the Security Desk at work know about the STBX, go ahead and let them know. Don't have to go into too much detail, but enough to let them know there is an issue.

PieRat

Time for a happydance, or if you are in wonderland...futterwhaken!



good for you Uncertain!

theuncertainty

I absolutely love the new Alice movie. I am slowly finding and re-claiming my "muchness"

I have a call in to the Chief of Security for our company and will talk with him about what's going on when he gets back into his office this afternoon. I think he'll either want to be the one to talk with the front desk crew's supervisor, or be present when I do.

Noday, I hadn't really thought of calling the local PD - again I was afraid I was over-reacting and/or worried about how angry STBXAH would get if he found out I called them.... Will give them a call for advice. Thanks. My sister is definitely aware of of the DV and anger issues and has been amazingly supportive. I will make sure to tell my Dad more/all of my concerns and make it clear why I'm asking to stay out there. My Mom, I don't know. She's so enmeshed with her ABF and his family and issues that I'm not sure she believes me when I tell her I'm afraid of how STBXAH will react.

Thanks, all.

PieRat

Yes do take care of yourself!!!

The movie has grown on me the more I watch it as well.

dollydo

You are not overreacting, I think you have a good plan. We can never underestimate the mind of an alcoholic.

I would do whatever your gut tells you. Better safe than sorry!

And, I am so proud of you--the papers are filed, way to go!

naive

second the advice to talk to your work's security. if nothing else, it will give you some peace of mind.

you do what you need to do to safeguard yourself and your boys. your plan seems well-thought out.

hang in there,
naive

Jadmack25

Over reacting in this case is no big deal, but as we too often see on tv or read in the papers...under reacting can be dangerous and even fatal.

Let security handle work, contact PD for advice and to let them know the situation, and yes put what you can of those plans to be away from home, in place.

You are well up to handling this and are awesome.

God bless

Hammerhead

Even tho the weight is off your shoulders... you still have a good head on them

My dad always says... "prepare for the worst and hope for the best".

Your STBXAH may have a temper... and we can never truly know how anyone will respond until they respond... but I imagine you'll hear more noise than anything... taking precautions IS being prepared to remain safe.

((hugs))

froglegs

Just wanted to post my experience....

I was really scared to have my AH served too....I knew the papers would be delivered to him on Saturday, in our marital home...I was up all night Friday, left on Saturday scared to death, stayed away all afternoon waiting for a call, nothing ever came.
I got home from hiding out about 4pm after I was sure he was served, the papers were on the counter, he was working in the garage, not a word said about them at all....

I think I played out every possible scenario like you in my head, and when it came down to it...nothing.
We cannot predict how they will respond. We can have a plan in the worst case scenario, but I guess I am trying to say don't get all owrked up until it actually happens...I know easier said than done, right?

Good luck, I am sure it will be fine.

theuncertainty

Thanks, Hammerhead.

Way easier said than done. Thanks for sharing your experience, Froglegs.

Check and in place.

To serve him, I sent everything via registered, restricted delivery, return receipt. I just got online to the USPS site to check tracking (first and only time I'll do it before camping) and they had attempted delivery yesterday, but had to leave a notice.... Which raises another question - What if he never picks up the packet or refuses delivery? Don't know why he would refuse, but.... OK never mind. It's more needless worry and I'm not going to think about it today or this weekend.

I've got a few more things to tie up at work - just a couple more hours - and then I'm off for a long weekend of camping with my sister and her family. Peace and quiet - well as quiet as it can be with my 5yo son and nephews running around like little wild things.

Thanks again everyone. Your words of support and kindness are appreciated more than I can ever express.

nodaybut2day

Hope you're doing well today. Keep us updated when and if you can!

theuncertainty

Thanks again, all. I had a lovely weekend of camping and hiking. We found a lovely set of 'trails' past Hope, AK, that are absolutely gorgeous. Our families had the area pretty much to ourselves except for the wildlife and one couple who came up to the end of the road before the trailhead, parked their jeep on the snow, took a picture and left. ??

No news on the filing. STBXAH has not yet picked up the paperwork from USPS. I'm starting to think that whatever it costs to hire a process server, it'd be well worth it.... I also just got back from the court clerk after filing a motion for interim custody and will need to get that mailed today also. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm so much closer to being free of him.

theuncertainty

So, he got the paperwork. Apparently did get mad. Sent me a text that scared the s---t out of me because it was just like the start of many fights with him where I would have to figure out what I did to make him mad. -- I had the same confusion with this text, thinking he was telling some one else thanks for something and sent the text to me by mistake. It took quite a few minutes to realize that I needed to check with the USPS tracking and sure enough...

I got really scared, called the local shelter, my case worker was not there, they suggested going to get a protective order. My mom came back from visiting her friends and went with me, my brother-in-law took my 5 yo son out to eat, play, etc. In the request for a PO I asked for ex parte and long term; where it asked about this incident and past DV, I thought I was clear about his escalating verbal abuse and threats and that this text was just like that, that I was clear about him forcing sex... It was so hard to write any of it down. The court denied the ex parte PO stating I said he seems intimidating, and that I allege differing levels of sex drive but it didn't sound like he was physically or sexually assaultive. It goes on to say of course if his further actions reveal that the text wasn't about the litigation, but a threat, to call APD, and tells Mr. X to exercise caution. WTF????!

Now he's going to get even more PO'd and will use this against me as proof that he wasn't abusive at all just because the court said it didn't sound like physical abuse. I don't know what he'll do. That's the whole point. How he deals with his anger is so unpredictable.

Yes I have plans on protecting myself and my son, I'm keeping the phone, bear spray, pepper spray, a base ball bat nearby, in case he shows up and the family all have phones at hand to call the PD. Monday, I'll be calling my case manager at the shelter, the DV liason at the justice center and maybe looking for a lawyer that specializes in DV cases..... Will probably go stay with my Dad for a few days, but on further thought his house is further away from their local PD and he's in his late 60's......

But I am incredibly freaked out that they will be sending the denied notice to STBXAH and that's just going to make him angrier. I feel like I've kicked the hornet's nest and I'm terrified.

HealingWillCome

I pray you find a place to stay where you feel safe. Or someone to stay with you. Praying for your protection...