I was triggered
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I was triggered
and it FRIGHTENED me.
Sometimes I think that word is used so lightly. But yesterday, something happened with an entirely different person, and I was sent back to those feelings of fear, anxiety, dread.
I met "someone" a week and a half ago. Pretty immediate click with this man, we spent three hours talking instead of the usualy 1 - 2, and ended our evening with a really nice stroll through the park.
So, really trying to not go into fantasy land about a potential future relationship, trying to do what I'm supposed to do, but dang, it's hard.
There has been a lot of contact in that first week and a half. A ton of emails, texts, and phone calls. We both seem to be uber-communicators, and like the written word.
Yesterday morning, I fired off a short email: good morning, should Taylor and I go to ____ or ____ for lunch today? Another beautiful day, etc. Just light. In the short time we've known one another, he has always been super responsive. He uses the computer for work, and seems to be on it pretty often. No reply. Couple hours, no reply. After about the second hour, I started feeling IT. Push it down, Christine. No big deal, he's probably busy, or sleeping in, or.....a liar? Fell off the wagon? Undependable? Disingenuous?
After about hour three, I was in a state. Feeling badly that this man isn't who I thought he was. Sent a text saying "are you ok? not like you to not reply". As soon as he got the message, he phoned me. He had a PERFECTLY reasonable explanation of why he hadn't been on his computer yet. I felt relieved, and incredibly stupid.
So I ran to my therapist. I told him I was in a tailspin. I told him the reason it upsets me, and is creating turmoil, is that I WANT TO GET BETTER. What's the deal with me? HOW CAN I FIGURE IT OUT, AND FIX IT??
He told me to breathe, to take a giant step back, and to ENJOY THIS PERSON, let the relationship unfold, and HAVE FUN. I said, "but I'm f*%#king scared."
please
Sometimes I think that word is used so lightly. But yesterday, something happened with an entirely different person, and I was sent back to those feelings of fear, anxiety, dread.
I met "someone" a week and a half ago. Pretty immediate click with this man, we spent three hours talking instead of the usualy 1 - 2, and ended our evening with a really nice stroll through the park.
So, really trying to not go into fantasy land about a potential future relationship, trying to do what I'm supposed to do, but dang, it's hard.
There has been a lot of contact in that first week and a half. A ton of emails, texts, and phone calls. We both seem to be uber-communicators, and like the written word.
Yesterday morning, I fired off a short email: good morning, should Taylor and I go to ____ or ____ for lunch today? Another beautiful day, etc. Just light. In the short time we've known one another, he has always been super responsive. He uses the computer for work, and seems to be on it pretty often. No reply. Couple hours, no reply. After about the second hour, I started feeling IT. Push it down, Christine. No big deal, he's probably busy, or sleeping in, or.....a liar? Fell off the wagon? Undependable? Disingenuous?
After about hour three, I was in a state. Feeling badly that this man isn't who I thought he was. Sent a text saying "are you ok? not like you to not reply". As soon as he got the message, he phoned me. He had a PERFECTLY reasonable explanation of why he hadn't been on his computer yet. I felt relieved, and incredibly stupid.
So I ran to my therapist. I told him I was in a tailspin. I told him the reason it upsets me, and is creating turmoil, is that I WANT TO GET BETTER. What's the deal with me? HOW CAN I FIGURE IT OUT, AND FIX IT??
He told me to breathe, to take a giant step back, and to ENJOY THIS PERSON, let the relationship unfold, and HAVE FUN. I said, "but I'm f*%#king scared."
please
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Oh you took a quick trip to "Christineville"
I often take those trips to "Ritaville"
scary place huh??????
I have been in a relationship with my partner for a year and half now - he personally is going thru a difficult time with some issues that really are not about he and I but it is affecting us.
His behaviors have changed some - but I have been taking and running like CRAZY with it - why because that's what my "isms" do!!!!
SOOOOOOO - Back to the Steps in my recovery is what I have had to do - CHANGING the things I can. . . my insanity, my thougths and my behaviors.
I lots of journaling, prayer, step work - self-care and taking the focus back on me - and
BREATHING -
also reminding myself - the God of my understanding is IN CONTROL!!!!!!!
Trusting HIS path, HIS Guidance and HIS Will.
Just wanted to let you know, I think the fear is normal and maybe a good reminder to keep us taking care of ourselves in all relationships.
HUGS and praying God's best for you in this relationship!!!
Rita
I often take those trips to "Ritaville"
scary place huh??????
I have been in a relationship with my partner for a year and half now - he personally is going thru a difficult time with some issues that really are not about he and I but it is affecting us.
His behaviors have changed some - but I have been taking and running like CRAZY with it - why because that's what my "isms" do!!!!
SOOOOOOO - Back to the Steps in my recovery is what I have had to do - CHANGING the things I can. . . my insanity, my thougths and my behaviors.
I lots of journaling, prayer, step work - self-care and taking the focus back on me - and
BREATHING -
also reminding myself - the God of my understanding is IN CONTROL!!!!!!!
Trusting HIS path, HIS Guidance and HIS Will.
Just wanted to let you know, I think the fear is normal and maybe a good reminder to keep us taking care of ourselves in all relationships.
HUGS and praying God's best for you in this relationship!!!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
the smilies freaked out on me.
(((((christine)))))
I have had the exact same thing happen.
I am talking to a very nice man. He is very considerate, honest and forthright with me.
When that happened, within 3 hours, I had lost my mind, never mind all the conversations and the great time we had spent together.
Damn it!
Of course there was a reasonable explanation, and I also told him how I freaked out.
We have already discussed how my ex would disappear and not answer when he was "out" doing whatever.
My friend had lost power for over six hours, and the first thing he did when the power came back on was contact me. geez.
He got my emails, and said "Beth, I will not disappear on you. You have been hurt by someone else, and I know it will take some time to get over the immediate reaction. As long as we talk about it, it will be okay. Just relax. It's all good so far."
Wow, I was used to someone diminishing my fears, or worse making me appear foolish for questioning him. This is new. And boy, I want to try something new.
Beth
coming back from the dark side, but a work in progress.
thank you for posting and allowing me to get it out there.
i need my coffee.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Its scary when we realize how close WE always are to a relapse...someone said thats why alanon doesn't give out chips..no one ther ever stays completley on the wagon.Fellow codie hugs to you!
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
:ghug3 - <<<hugs>>> coffeedrinker...it seems to me, your reaction is perfectly normal...especially considering all you've been through...so give yourself a hug for recognizing the feelings and getting the support you need...it's a process...and it takes time... Progress not perfection!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
wow, guys, i thought i might get a bit of a tongue-lashing for still being so wigged out.
like "what are you doing to move forward" kind of thing. i think i AM moving forward, i just freak myself out really regularly.
oh, and therapist, in addition to telling me to have some long-overdue fun, also said to keep my eyes open, and watch HIS BEHAVIOR instead of speculating. i said "my eyes are so wide open, they're pickin up every single action and scrutinizing it.
they're almost buggin out they're so wide"
:
like "what are you doing to move forward" kind of thing. i think i AM moving forward, i just freak myself out really regularly.
oh, and therapist, in addition to telling me to have some long-overdue fun, also said to keep my eyes open, and watch HIS BEHAVIOR instead of speculating. i said "my eyes are so wide open, they're pickin up every single action and scrutinizing it.
they're almost buggin out they're so wide":
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
This post was awesome and helpful, thank you!
I guess it all goes back to fear... learn to combat that fear, stop expecting the worst, and see things as they are!
I think you're doing great! I wish I had something wise to say, but thank you for sharing. I found myself feeling the exact same way!
I guess it all goes back to fear... learn to combat that fear, stop expecting the worst, and see things as they are!
I think you're doing great! I wish I had something wise to say, but thank you for sharing. I found myself feeling the exact same way!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
wow, guys, i thought i might get a bit of a tongue-lashing for still being so wigged out.
like "what are you doing to move forward" kind of thing. i think i AM moving forward, i just freak myself out really regularly.
oh, and therapist, in addition to telling me to have some long-overdue fun, also said to keep my eyes open, and watch HIS BEHAVIOR instead of speculating. i said "my eyes are so wide open, they're pickin up every single action and scrutinizing it. they're almost buggin out they're so wide"
:
like "what are you doing to move forward" kind of thing. i think i AM moving forward, i just freak myself out really regularly.
oh, and therapist, in addition to telling me to have some long-overdue fun, also said to keep my eyes open, and watch HIS BEHAVIOR instead of speculating. i said "my eyes are so wide open, they're pickin up every single action and scrutinizing it.
they're almost buggin out they're so wide":Recognizing that you freaked yourself out.
It has taken awhile to get to giving it time, a little time to see what happens.
Cause with my ex, I was always right with the wrong thing he was doing.
This one, I have been having wrong thoughts.
Keeping my eyes open, and trying not to freak myself out.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
I think you are doing just fine. I went through the same thing when I first started dating my new boyfriend. Just a couple times was triggered. But what I liked is that I was able to explain to him that I was triggered and we talked about it and he understood. I had told him about the past stuff with ex abf.
Just enjoy him and yes keep your eyes open but not so open that you can't enjoy who he actually is....a nice man not the addict you were with.
:ghug3
Just enjoy him and yes keep your eyes open but not so open that you can't enjoy who he actually is....a nice man not the addict you were with.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by anvilhead
what do you need to do to regain your sense of BALANCE? slow the pace down so that you don't get dizzy? what boundaries would be good to install RIGHT NOW?
as for the email inquiry, it wasn't about any plans -- our plans were, and are, for today.
boundaries -
i really think i'm going to get a A or a B+ in this class.
*if you rage at me, i will leave the conversation
*if you tell me you're going to be somewhere and you're more than 20 minutes late, i will leave
*if you relapse, i will exit the relationship
*if you lie to me, i will .... i will .... hmmm, maybe i'll only get a C
just need to watch that ol' behavior. in OUR interactions, and also his with OTHERS
is that kinda what you mean?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Why waste a minute of
worrying is what I remind
myself.
There's isnt a thing I need
to do today by myself as
long as I have the Man
upstairs guiding and
protecting me.
Things are not gonna happen
in my time or when I want it
to happen. It will happen all
in the Man upstairs time.
I moved back to my home-
town back in Dec. 2006.
Trained for a new job.
Decided to end 25 yr marriage.
2007 Sept. I met a man
in AA.
Divorced Final in June 2008.
Engaged Dec. 2008.
Married February 2009.
Had not a clue when i
left Houston what would
happen in my life down
the road.
All I could do was continue
with my program and leaving
the rest up to the Man up-
stairs.
I look back on all that has
transpired and all I feel is
graditude.
Today I continue on my
path of recovery and no
worrying what will happen
tomorrow as long as I shared
some ESH here with you guys
and having faith in the Man
upstairs.
How can I ever lose?
worrying is what I remind
myself.
There's isnt a thing I need
to do today by myself as
long as I have the Man
upstairs guiding and
protecting me.
Things are not gonna happen
in my time or when I want it
to happen. It will happen all
in the Man upstairs time.
I moved back to my home-
town back in Dec. 2006.
Trained for a new job.
Decided to end 25 yr marriage.
2007 Sept. I met a man
in AA.
Divorced Final in June 2008.
Engaged Dec. 2008.
Married February 2009.
Had not a clue when i
left Houston what would
happen in my life down
the road.
All I could do was continue
with my program and leaving
the rest up to the Man up-
stairs.
I look back on all that has
transpired and all I feel is
graditude.
Today I continue on my
path of recovery and no
worrying what will happen
tomorrow as long as I shared
some ESH here with you guys
and having faith in the Man
upstairs.
How can I ever lose?
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
we all have mixed self esteem issues with a new "friend" and yes... I too feel that way also...and just recently...I can only be ME and with the help on AL ANON...I can see that is one of my character defects...so now..I relax..I AM ME, and proud of it...this feeling...is just that...a feeling....take a deep breath and move forward...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sometimes we codies have too many expectations, and when they are not met, we panic.
In my recovery, I have learned that if I don't have any expectations of another, I am never disappointed and so much more at peace.
In my recovery, I have learned that if I don't have any expectations of another, I am never disappointed and so much more at peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
I share the problem of setting up expectations...almost like setting someone up to fail. In my most recent romantic situation, though, I have to say the other person helped set up those expectations by his actions and then withdrew his actions. Does that make any sense?
I have had the same reactions you just described, and too am now just learning to take a step back and not freak out. Recovery from codependency is going to be a long and slow process for me.
I have had the same reactions you just described, and too am now just learning to take a step back and not freak out. Recovery from codependency is going to be a long and slow process for me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
and it FRIGHTENED me.
Sometimes I think that word is used so lightly. But yesterday, something happened with an entirely different person, and I was sent back to those feelings of fear, anxiety, dread.
I met "someone" a week and a half ago. Pretty immediate click with this man, we spent three hours talking instead of the usualy 1 - 2, and ended our evening with a really nice stroll through the park.
So, really trying to not go into fantasy land about a potential future relationship, trying to do what I'm supposed to do, but dang, it's hard.
There has been a lot of contact in that first week and a half. A ton of emails, texts, and phone calls. We both seem to be uber-communicators, and like the written word.
Yesterday morning, I fired off a short email: good morning, should Taylor and I go to ____ or ____ for lunch today? Another beautiful day, etc. Just light. In the short time we've known one another, he has always been super responsive. He uses the computer for work, and seems to be on it pretty often. No reply. Couple hours, no reply. After about the second hour, I started feeling IT. Push it down, Christine. No big deal, he's probably busy, or sleeping in, or.....a liar? Fell off the wagon? Undependable? Disingenuous?
After about hour three, I was in a state. Feeling badly that this man isn't who I thought he was. Sent a text saying "are you ok? not like you to not reply". As soon as he got the message, he phoned me. He had a PERFECTLY reasonable explanation of why he hadn't been on his computer yet. I felt relieved, and incredibly stupid.
So I ran to my therapist. I told him I was in a tailspin. I told him the reason it upsets me, and is creating turmoil, is that I WANT TO GET BETTER. What's the deal with me? HOW CAN I FIGURE IT OUT, AND FIX IT??
He told me to breathe, to take a giant step back, and to ENJOY THIS PERSON, let the relationship unfold, and HAVE FUN. I said, "but I'm f*%#king scared."
please
Sometimes I think that word is used so lightly. But yesterday, something happened with an entirely different person, and I was sent back to those feelings of fear, anxiety, dread.
I met "someone" a week and a half ago. Pretty immediate click with this man, we spent three hours talking instead of the usualy 1 - 2, and ended our evening with a really nice stroll through the park.
So, really trying to not go into fantasy land about a potential future relationship, trying to do what I'm supposed to do, but dang, it's hard.
There has been a lot of contact in that first week and a half. A ton of emails, texts, and phone calls. We both seem to be uber-communicators, and like the written word.
Yesterday morning, I fired off a short email: good morning, should Taylor and I go to ____ or ____ for lunch today? Another beautiful day, etc. Just light. In the short time we've known one another, he has always been super responsive. He uses the computer for work, and seems to be on it pretty often. No reply. Couple hours, no reply. After about the second hour, I started feeling IT. Push it down, Christine. No big deal, he's probably busy, or sleeping in, or.....a liar? Fell off the wagon? Undependable? Disingenuous?
After about hour three, I was in a state. Feeling badly that this man isn't who I thought he was. Sent a text saying "are you ok? not like you to not reply". As soon as he got the message, he phoned me. He had a PERFECTLY reasonable explanation of why he hadn't been on his computer yet. I felt relieved, and incredibly stupid.
So I ran to my therapist. I told him I was in a tailspin. I told him the reason it upsets me, and is creating turmoil, is that I WANT TO GET BETTER. What's the deal with me? HOW CAN I FIGURE IT OUT, AND FIX IT??
He told me to breathe, to take a giant step back, and to ENJOY THIS PERSON, let the relationship unfold, and HAVE FUN. I said, "but I'm f*%#king scared."
pleasefor me... two things popped out...
#1... "Pretty immediate click"... if this happens to me again... I'm running the opposite direction.
#2... if we're still having codie reactions... is it wise to get involved?
I certainly don't want to be a downer... it just seems that if it's important for the alcoholic/addict to not get involved in a relationship early in recovery... shouldn't the same apply to codies?
If we have these triggers... they are indicators that we are not well yet.
Don't get me wrong... I'm all for rainbows, moving on and happy endings... for me... right now if anything breathes on one of my triggers... and it goes off... it reminds me I have a ton of work left to do... on me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
((Coffeedrinker))) no matter how much recovery we have, triggers still happen, a form of PTSD I think.
This mama has triggers too, even after many years of recovery.
On a recent trip to Toronto to go to a concert with a SR friend, our taxi was driving slowly on the way home because there was a lot of traffic and people on the street.
I caught myself craning to see the people on the sidewalks, and particularly those in alleys or who looked like addicts...looking to see if I could spot my son.
It was an old reaction that triggered the old feelings, and I did not like it one bit. Once I turned my focus to inside the taxi, all was well.
My point is that life will put us in situations that, in the past, have been nasty for us.
It helps me to remind myself that now is now and I am different and can respond differently if I focus.
People have asked me why I need to keep working my program every day.
My answer is that it keeps me sane, it keeps my soul at peace, and it keeps me in the light.
Hugs
This mama has triggers too, even after many years of recovery.
On a recent trip to Toronto to go to a concert with a SR friend, our taxi was driving slowly on the way home because there was a lot of traffic and people on the street.
I caught myself craning to see the people on the sidewalks, and particularly those in alleys or who looked like addicts...looking to see if I could spot my son.
It was an old reaction that triggered the old feelings, and I did not like it one bit. Once I turned my focus to inside the taxi, all was well.
My point is that life will put us in situations that, in the past, have been nasty for us.
It helps me to remind myself that now is now and I am different and can respond differently if I focus.
People have asked me why I need to keep working my program every day.
My answer is that it keeps me sane, it keeps my soul at peace, and it keeps me in the light.
Hugs
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I once heard an Al-Anon speaker say that her "knee-jerk" reactions would probably never go away but thru the loving healing of her HP and recovery - She has now has the
A Trigger occurs ~ knee jerk THOUGHTS pop in her head then quickly RECOVERY thoughts tell her she doesn't have to respond in the same way which keep her from acting out those "reactions"
Keeping my focus on self-care, recovery and my HP - help me when my triggers set off those Knee jerk thoughts/reactions and then I have the ability to make the choice to do something different because I WANT something different.
HUGS,
Rita
A Trigger occurs ~ knee jerk THOUGHTS pop in her head then quickly RECOVERY thoughts tell her she doesn't have to respond in the same way which keep her from acting out those "reactions"
Keeping my focus on self-care, recovery and my HP - help me when my triggers set off those Knee jerk thoughts/reactions and then I have the ability to make the choice to do something different because I WANT something different.
HUGS,
Rita
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
