Kjell

Hi all-

So I'm 6 months removed from my last drink and sometimes...

I just can't seem to do anything right. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting or making any new trouble, I'm not getting into any trouble at work, and I'm not getting into any trouble with my family/friends, but...

I just can't seem to do anything right. I 2nd quess, 3rd guess and sometimes even obsess about anything and sometimes everything I do.

No matter what I do, say, or not do, or not say, I think I did the wrong thing. After phone calls, I'm sometimes a mess just b/c I don't like the way I ended the call or the way I spoke. I examine all my conversations...all my decisions, all my actions and I'm always feeling like I did...wrong.

I wasn't this way when I was drinking. I had confidance (or at least way more of it).

I hope I'm making sense....

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alcoholism is a b!tch.

Kjell

DrivingVacation

Sounds like PAWS anxiety.

Toronto68

Hi, I think I know what you mean. It started appearing a couple of months after I quit. I _think_ it has been getting better.

KingsCross

I think it's because you are scrutinizing all of your thoughts and actions. You are just self-criticizing because that's the way you develop a better self. However it can get out of hand, as you are now experiencing. You become super-critical.

I remember being like this. I don't remember anything specific I did that moved me beyond. I guess I just finally reached equilibrium, or finally became happy with myself.

I would give yourself a pass for awhile. It will go away. I think everything in life swings to extremes in order to find a balance. You're just searching for that neutral point.

artsoul

Hi Kjell - you sound like me, lol. But then, I've always questioned everything two or three times (if I could come to a decision, that is!). And yes, alcohol does turn our brain off so that we don't have to deal with all those committee members in our head. It's going to take time to get used to living in our own skin again and part of that may be having to talk back to those negative voices. The great thing is that you're identifying something that you'd like to change. That's half the battle.

If it interferes with your life in a major way, it might be good to see a therapist (not cheap, but alot healthier than killing all those brain cells).

Anna

Kjell, it could be that, even though you've been sober 6 months, you are still lacking confidence in yourself. I know that I made decisions without a second thought when I was drinking, and I began recovery, it was a whole different story. Be patient with yourself and believe in yourself.

Kjell

Thank you for all the helpful responses. I've heard of PAWS and I even know what it is, but I've never actually researched it...until now.

"PAWS symptoms reach a peak from three to six months after we get clean."
http://http://digital-dharma.net/add...r-immediately/

I googled "paws anxiety" and the above link is what I found. I'm glad I read it b/c it explains exactly how I feel right now. You might find it helpful as well.

Thanks,
Kjell

coffeenut

And maybe now you care more about others? I don't mean that to be a nasty comment...as an active alcoholic my mouth ran all the time and I never worried about it. Now....I really do think about what I say and how I say it.

I'm glad the paws info helped.

yeahgr8

Yeah i agree with coffeenut...i still have this but not in the same beating myself up way i had before...it gets better and is a good sign that you are taking on board and embracing change...you need to try and get more accepatnce for yourself though, sure you still have things to change but relax a bit and if you make a mistake thats ok too...my life sure became a lot easier whe i accepted that i was ok as i am and it was a gift to be able to see things to work on!

Before working the steps i didn't really give a **** about anything or anyone, especially what i said, don't get me wrong i knew what to say and how to act but i didin't really care...im not sure if thats confidence?!

onestepforward

Kjell,
"i can't seem to do anything right": hey you're staying sober that's a start!

At just 29 days, I've realized more and more how I've used alcohol to quiet those critics in my brain! That coupled with a HYPER-sensitivty to EVERYTHING can me maddening. The truth is, those feelings were always there for us, just drowned in booze and now have a stronger hold as our body readjusts. Give yourself a rest, and know what a brave decision it is to get sober. My hope is that you can give yourself some compassion tonight. Tell the inner-critics to hush down. We alcoholics tend to think in all or nothings.

NEOMARXIST

Hey man. I can relate. The good news is that it gets better and easier to accept and actually embrace/accept your quriks of your mind. Certianly with me it has.

My sober mind has been a real journey over the last nearly 12 months. I remember posting something when I was struggling not too disimlar to what you have posted. Mine was about over analysing everything and it really starting to get to me.

I relate my mental health and my mind as all part of the 'life on lifes terms' ethos. I remember my mind really getting to me about 4 months back and terribly throughout periods earlier in my sobriety. I definately used alcohol to quieten my mind down and to break the loop of sometimes OCD type thoughts and stuff. But I soon got over it and now I just accept me for being me and try to embrace my quirks. I have realised also that I was over anaysing in that department too and everybidy has OCD to some degree, but they just ain't aware of it. I don;t actually have OCD by the way but like I say I used to over-analyse.lol.

Basically I think it's a good thing that you are conscious as to how you come across to people but I just try to accept the outcome and I find that nearly all of the time I am viewed favourable though I just roll with it. I have nothing to fear about myself in sobriety and recovery like I did in my drunk days. I used to come across badly back then really and didn't give a sh*t untill I was sober again.

I think all of this rediscovery is definately a part of recovery and it certainly has been for me. I used to use my mind as an excuse to drink and self-medicate. It really used to take it out of me during my roughtimes in sobriety as my thoughts would race around and around and anxiety levels be really high but it was all part of the booze trying to get a way back in effectively. But I worked through it and it was really worth it.

You're doing well mate. Keep The Faith.

Peace

Chops

Yep, you stay away from one drink of booze for one day and you've done one thing right that day.

For me it's the most important thing.

And lol, yeah examining every conversation.... I identify, thanks.

MelindaFlowers

Hi Kjell,

You've received a lot of great responses to this post so I'll just toss in my two cents.

During the last six months (by far the heaviest/worst) of my drinking I feel like I developed some sort of post-traumatic-stress disorder stemming from the emails, facebook posts, telephone calls (both dialed and answered) that I only found out about the next morning after drinking heavily.

Now that I am sober I am having to learn to trust myself again. Even on this site sometimes I'll post something only to realize that there are several typos or repeated words. This little voice in my head worries that people will think I have been drinking. Tonight I responded to an email to one of my professors and obsessed over every word. After I hit sent I asked myself, "did you really have to add those two exclamation points to Hi Marlene!!"?

A friend called me late last night around midnight (I stay up late) and I was very conscious of how I was talking, making sure not to laugh too loudly, etc even though I was sober. She gets off of work every night at midnight so most of our conversations over the past year I had been drunk.

I guess I felt like I couldn't trust myself after 5 pm for over three years so it's taking some time to regain that confident feeling.

I can really relate to your post about second guessing ourselves now. I'm going to go and read about PAWS now.

DayTrader

Kjell
I dunno if you're in AA or not but the BB talks a lot about how practicing alcoholics are selfish and self-centered to the core. We grow accustomed to doing and getting what we want, when we want it and we often do so with little regard to how it affects other ppl in our lives.

You've spent 6 months denying yourself of something you wanted (booze). That's a new thing for you (probably) just like it was new for all of us. As you start to live a life that's less selfish and less self-centered, you start waking up to how all of your actions impact others. Not having a whole lot of experience dealing with those emotions.....your mind is kinda "freaking out" from all the new data. And don't underestimate the impact of your mind having to restructure itself to deal with life without having booze as a crutch. Your old escape route, "your anti-reality medicine" is gone.

For me, somewhere around 6 or 9 months in was emotionally one of the most difficult times I can ever recall. I don't know if I WAS a wreck but I sure felt like one. Again, the BB addresses this when it refers to us feeling (in sobriety) "irritable, restless, discontent."

What you're feeling is normal and, so far as I know, darn close to 100% typical. Much like your drinking issues of 6 months ago......now is the time for you to consider just what you're willing to do to outgrow these present "issues." For me, working the steps that instructed me to: let go and trust God, inventory myself, make amends, and espesssssially to help other alcoholics trying to recover had a major impact on those crumby feelings. Even though I didn't want to do the work.....doing it made me feel better. Maybe that's something you should consider for yourself.

Whatever you choose. You're not alone and what you're going through isn't unique. I used to hate hearing this (because I was CONVINCED I was special, unique, and different - lol) but you're right where you're supposed to be. Those feelings are killers if left "untreated." They send a lot of us back to the bottle just to get some friggin relief. My experience was they don't get better on their own or just go away on their own. It took action on my part to before they started dissipating.

zbear23

We have a label often mentioned in AA: "Analysis Paralysis."

worth thinking about.

blessings
zenbear

augustwest

give meditation a try

Kjell

Yes and on step 8.

Kjell

This is something I've got to start working on. I need to start giving myself at least a little bit of credit and stop being so hard on myself (unhealthy level).

Kjell

Well said - thank you.

Kjell

Any suggestions on how to get started? Do they have a "meditation 101 for dummies"?