Divorced with kids: Is it spelled out that your A cannot drink during visitation?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Divorced with kids: Is it spelled out that your A cannot drink during visitation?
Just thinking things through - My 14 y.o. and I are still with the AH. One of the reasons I stay is so that my son gets to be with his dad when things are good (not drinking) and so that I can be around when things are not so good (drinking).
If we were to split, I'd have to have the drinking thing addressed as part of the visitation.
Does that work?
I know it's a fact many have been hurt by an abusive husband even though they had a restraining order. Could I run into a similar problem with an ex drinking during visitation even though he's not supposed to? What are the consequences for that?
If we were to split, I'd have to have the drinking thing addressed as part of the visitation.
Does that work?
I know it's a fact many have been hurt by an abusive husband even though they had a restraining order. Could I run into a similar problem with an ex drinking during visitation even though he's not supposed to? What are the consequences for that?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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I don't have experience with this "spelling it out" as a part of a divorce decree, but I can't imagine how you would really enforce it. Something for others to speak on I guess.
I do want to challenge you to continue to examine why you are keeping this broken family intact, however. I mean, I'm not chastising you for staying married to an alcoholic, but I sorta think the logic behind it is flawed.
When I divorced mine (and the decision took me a heck of a long time - so I"m not throwing stones), my children had an enhanced relationship with their dad. He spent focused time with them, they did enjoyable things - even just like playing board games - and he did not drink on the weekends that they visited. So they did have time with him when he was "good".
Just sayin
I do want to challenge you to continue to examine why you are keeping this broken family intact, however. I mean, I'm not chastising you for staying married to an alcoholic, but I sorta think the logic behind it is flawed.
When I divorced mine (and the decision took me a heck of a long time - so I"m not throwing stones), my children had an enhanced relationship with their dad. He spent focused time with them, they did enjoyable things - even just like playing board games - and he did not drink on the weekends that they visited. So they did have time with him when he was "good".
Just sayin
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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I may not be the best person to comment on this one as XAH no longer sees DD, BUT when he was and we were attempting mediation, I had included in our parenting plan this stipulation:
"Both parents agree to abstain from consuming alcohol in the twelve (12) hours prior to seeing the child, as well as during the entire visitation."
I worded it this way so it looked fair even though I do not drink. Because XAH's behaviour changed a great deal when he drank, I really feared for my DD's safety and was told by my lawyer to refuse visitation if he appeared intoxicated. Sadly, it put the onus on me to be the booze police once again, but it was for my DD's safety so I sort of had no choice.
Once we went to court and XAH neglected to show up, I was legally given discretion over visitation and then could refuse visitation if XAH was drunk. Since your DS is older and able to call you should his father be intoxicated, it makes things "easier" in that he can leave or call you if the situation is unsafe. Then you have to document these events in order to obtain an order for supervised visitation, which usually dissuades the lazier parents from continuing visitation altogether.
Have you discussed this with a lawyer? It would help to know what the laws are in your geographic area...
I know how much this part sucks...
"Both parents agree to abstain from consuming alcohol in the twelve (12) hours prior to seeing the child, as well as during the entire visitation."
I worded it this way so it looked fair even though I do not drink. Because XAH's behaviour changed a great deal when he drank, I really feared for my DD's safety and was told by my lawyer to refuse visitation if he appeared intoxicated. Sadly, it put the onus on me to be the booze police once again, but it was for my DD's safety so I sort of had no choice.
Once we went to court and XAH neglected to show up, I was legally given discretion over visitation and then could refuse visitation if XAH was drunk. Since your DS is older and able to call you should his father be intoxicated, it makes things "easier" in that he can leave or call you if the situation is unsafe. Then you have to document these events in order to obtain an order for supervised visitation, which usually dissuades the lazier parents from continuing visitation altogether.
Have you discussed this with a lawyer? It would help to know what the laws are in your geographic area...
I know how much this part sucks...
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Palatine IL
Posts: 57
In the middle of a divorce with my STBX-AW and that is one of main things that has been written out as a part of the divorce that if there there are any issues with her drinking that either myself or the very supportive grandparents can make the kids are out of harms way from her drinking.
(There are still other things being worked out and she is not being cooperative, which doesn't help).
(There are still other things being worked out and she is not being cooperative, which doesn't help).
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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My divorce papers state that neither party can have alcohol around our children. My children are 14 and 18 now.
This is my understanding of what happens if my most recent ex drinks while with my 14 y.o., the burden of proof would be on me. Then, I would need to take him to court for violation of his terms of visitation.
I left my alcoholic because his addiction was spiraling downward, rapidly. I experienced good days with my alcoholic, and bad days (& nights). When I looked at the type of example I was setting for my kids, I knew I needed to make changes.
I did not want my son or daughter thinking that a healthy relationship meant putting up with unacceptable behavior just because it wasn't happening 24/7, yet. I did not want my son to treat a future relationship partner with the disrespect I was receiving, and I did not want my daughter to accept the things I was accepting in her future relationships.
This is my understanding of what happens if my most recent ex drinks while with my 14 y.o., the burden of proof would be on me. Then, I would need to take him to court for violation of his terms of visitation.
I left my alcoholic because his addiction was spiraling downward, rapidly. I experienced good days with my alcoholic, and bad days (& nights). When I looked at the type of example I was setting for my kids, I knew I needed to make changes.
I did not want my son or daughter thinking that a healthy relationship meant putting up with unacceptable behavior just because it wasn't happening 24/7, yet. I did not want my son to treat a future relationship partner with the disrespect I was receiving, and I did not want my daughter to accept the things I was accepting in her future relationships.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
I don't have experience with this "spelling it out" as a part of a divorce decree, but I can't imagine how you would really enforce it. Something for others to speak on I guess.
I do want to challenge you to continue to examine why you are keeping this broken family intact, however. I mean, I'm not chastising you for staying married to an alcoholic, but I sorta think the logic behind it is flawed.
When I divorced mine (and the decision took me a heck of a long time - so I"m not throwing stones), my children had an enhanced relationship with their dad. He spent focused time with them, they did enjoyable things - even just like playing board games - and he did not drink on the weekends that they visited. So they did have time with him when he was "good".
Just sayin
I do want to challenge you to continue to examine why you are keeping this broken family intact, however. I mean, I'm not chastising you for staying married to an alcoholic, but I sorta think the logic behind it is flawed.
When I divorced mine (and the decision took me a heck of a long time - so I"m not throwing stones), my children had an enhanced relationship with their dad. He spent focused time with them, they did enjoyable things - even just like playing board games - and he did not drink on the weekends that they visited. So they did have time with him when he was "good".
Just sayin
I do appreciate posts like yours. I need to hear these experiences. It helps. Thanks.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Our court order states that exah is not to drink or use controlled substances when he has parenting time with DS and I can withold visitation if he does drink. DS is 16 now and I know that exah does drink when DS is there but exah knows that DS can refuse to come to his house so he is always on his best behaviour when DS is there.
In my state you can withold parenting time if the other parent is intoxicated.
In my state you can withold parenting time if the other parent is intoxicated.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I have the standard visitation guidelines and there is a statement that the children should not be with a parent that is abusing substances.
There are no other, more specific, provisions. If I felt they were in danger due to his drinking I would contact my lawyer and we'd take him back to court and ask for supervised visitation. I would have to prove he was a danger to them through abuse or neglect as a result of the drinking and site specifics, not just the fact that he is an alcoholic.
There are no other, more specific, provisions. If I felt they were in danger due to his drinking I would contact my lawyer and we'd take him back to court and ask for supervised visitation. I would have to prove he was a danger to them through abuse or neglect as a result of the drinking and site specifics, not just the fact that he is an alcoholic.
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The biggest concern I have is late night. I worry about something happening to my son or something happening weird at their place and my A being too drunk to do anything about it.
This has been helpful to think through. As long as my son had his phone charged, he would be able to call 911 and / or me, depending on the situation.
I thank God that my son is older and would be able to voice his opinion or work through an emergency if he needed too (as long as the emergency isn't something happening to him...).
This has been helpful to think through. As long as my son had his phone charged, he would be able to call 911 and / or me, depending on the situation.
I thank God that my son is older and would be able to voice his opinion or work through an emergency if he needed too (as long as the emergency isn't something happening to him...).
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Have you discussed all this with your son? He's old enough to have such a discussion and perhaps you two can work out a system or set of guidelines for him to follow should he feel in any way unsafe or uncomfortable.
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
Have you discussed all this with your son? He's old enough to have such a discussion and perhaps you two can work out a system or set of guidelines for him to follow should he feel in any way unsafe or uncomfortable.
Just posting this thread is helping me think through one of my fears. I am very thankful for this board.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
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My XAGF has the no alcohol clause in her divorce decree. I have seen it. It states basically the same thing with the exception her's says 24 hours I think.
She does not have custody of her kids and is on supervised visitation as a result of violating the court order.
Her next violation may be loosing them all together.
I was in the court room when the judge put her on supervised visitation, the court system does not play around in these types of issues.
She does not have custody of her kids and is on supervised visitation as a result of violating the court order.
Her next violation may be loosing them all together.
I was in the court room when the judge put her on supervised visitation, the court system does not play around in these types of issues.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
As long as my son had his phone charged, he would be able to call 911 and / or me, depending on the situation.
I thank God that my son is older and would be able to voice his opinion or work through an emergency if he needed to
I thank God that my son is older and would be able to voice his opinion or work through an emergency if he needed to
I have sent the message to my daughter, that if she ever feels unsafe, including discomfort, she is to call me and I will drop everything to come and get her. Problem is, she probably wouldn't ever make that call. She would tough it out. She has a big soft spot for her dad, and although she doesn't lie to protect him, I get the "protection" sense from her for him. She just wouldn't want to out him.
Once I was talking to her on the phone. She was at his (their) place, but he was not there. She was with his g.friend. I called him and told him I didn't think this was ok, and would he please give me the address so I could go and pick her up. He thought she was fine, but I said, "She won't tell you this, but she is bored, and a little uncomfortable." He then said he was on his way home, and to forget it. I had a feeling...the feeling that he lied about having to work that day. I have never feared for her safety with him, but it was just plain weird. I was glad I called him on it.
Just continue to have an open dialogue with your son. He needs to continuously hear the message that his rights, and his personal (emotional) safety are important.
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
Hate to throw a curve ball, but it's a tender situation, this "he would be able to call 911", etc.
I have sent the message to my daughter, that if she ever feels unsafe, including discomfort, she is to call me and I will drop everything to come and get her. Problem is, she probably wouldn't ever make that call. She would tough it out. She has a big soft spot for her dad, and although she doesn't lie to protect him, I get the "protection" sense from her for him. She just wouldn't want to out him.
...
I have sent the message to my daughter, that if she ever feels unsafe, including discomfort, she is to call me and I will drop everything to come and get her. Problem is, she probably wouldn't ever make that call. She would tough it out. She has a big soft spot for her dad, and although she doesn't lie to protect him, I get the "protection" sense from her for him. She just wouldn't want to out him.
...
The other thing I hate is that we would be doing the highschool years from 2 homes and I know that would be tough. I can foresee differences in parenting styles from one home to another. Sure, I would try to make us work together for a united front but I have to understand that it will be different / difficult / unFUN! ;-)
But it's all about tradeoffs. Finding out what is best for me and my son.
Still thinking...
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Could you perhaps ask petition to be the primary residential parent with your STBXAH being given access rights, such as week-ends, holidays, etc, and whatever else your son is willing to add on? I'm really against the whole notion of equal 50-50% custody because I find it can get really confusing for kids...but that's just me.
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