PuzzledinTX

Have any of you ever had problems taking an alcoholic family member's word that they haven't been drinking when you're still seeing evidence of drinking? Really, when you've heard all the excuses, it's hard to accept what they're saying just at their word.

It seems like, with the problem drinkers in my family, they want me to just take their word for it when they've blatantly LIED about their drinking and put me thru a literal HELL over it. If I had a hard time swallowing what they tell me, it comes down to, "Oh, you just don't trust me", etc. Am I being too harsh and unforgiving, or are they lacking in understanding of what their problems have done to me?

bookwyrm

But you don't trust them. Why should you? Actions speak louder than words. They behave in an untrustworthy manner so you don't trust them. Just saying they're sober doesn't make it so, as you know.

Impurrfect

(((Puzzled))) - when I was recently told "but I'm telling the TRUTH!" I replied "well, I have a hard time trusing in that, and you know why. It's going to take time for you to earn my trust back, and you're just going to have to accept that". If that sounds harsh, tough. I'm a recovering addict, and I had to earn trust back from MY loved ones by my actions. It's all a part of the consequences of addiction.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

theuncertainty

I can definitely relate. The lying is brutal and I don't think you're being too harsh or unforgiving. Trust is not something that can just come back with a snap of the fingers. It takes a long time and one needs to be able to see that change is being actively worked towards. Words are easy. Actions are harder.

IMO, it's my STBXAH's job to show that he's actively working on recovery (by showing up clean, by making an honest effort to be truthful in his day-to-day dealings with me, his son, his family, others, by making an effort to take responsibility for his life and learning how to live it on his own...), it's only my job to be willing to see it if/when those changes do show up. Even after the changes start showing up, it's going to take time to build back the trust his actions have shattered.

RollTide

Alcoholics lie about their addiction. That's a given.

posiesperson

It was really hard for me to figure out why I felt so badly when my exA would say, "you don't trust me!" Now I see how everything got turned around when it didn't suit her, and how I took that on.

Remember "the boy who cried wolf"? Yeah, I wouldn't have believed him either. Too bad the stakes were so high for him, but it's not my fault.

Hang in there,
posie

MsPINKAcres

Recovery gave me the strength to tell my loved ones that . . .

"It is healthier for me to base my decisions on people's actions not people's words, promises or best intentions. When I see actions that show healthy behaviors then I can respond to that, but when I see behaviors that reflect otherwise - it is best for everyone if I maintain my personal boundaries"

For me - this didn't come out and say in an accusing voice - "You're still drinking/using"
it just shared that I was uncomfortable with that person's unhealthy behaviors/actions. Accusing/blaming usually never helps the situation - but standing up for our boundaries - allows everyone the opportunity for dignity and respect.

I guess it's still the same thing but just worded with a little kindess and respect for everyone. Just what seems to help me.

HUGS,
Rita

FarawayFromCars

Oh boy, can I relate. My alcoholic sister lies all the time--about insignificant things, but she also spins giant tall tales and gets mad at us when we don't believe her (even when the evidence is there). And yes, she lies about her drinking. It is a characteristic of the disease. One resource I found helpful on the topic of alcoholism and the family is the book Addict in the Family--Beverly Conyers. She points out that alcoholics lie because that's the way they perceive and/or want their world to be. Makes sense to me with my sister.

What I have found even more helpful...is that you can just walk away from the conversation; I have pointed out to my sister "your actions suggest otherwise, and your alcoholism has caused me to lose trust in you. It will take some time to rebuild that". She gets very angry, but I just walk away. I can choose not to believe her lies, and I can also choose not to listen to them or be exposed to her unhealthy choices.

Sending you hugs.

keepinon

I know sober when I see it.

smacked

Is there a reason why they, or you feel that they are somehow accountable to you about their drinking?

PuzzledinTX

Nope, not at all. It's just that it really stinks to have someone acting as though you're the bad guy because you have trust issues. After all, if someone tells me that they're perfectly sober while slurring their words and reeking of alcohol, why should I give in to their demands and accept their words as gospel truth? I guess it's been unsettling to them to find out that I'm no longer willing to enable their behavior.

Daisy30

You don't have trust issues. I bet you can trust someone who is trustworthy just fine

My AH used to play that game with me too, I haven't been drinking, that's not beer it's soda...etc...etc... The best thing you can do is stop arguing. It is pointless. You are never going to change their minds, they are never going to admit they have been drinking.

I find this rule of thumb best, Don't try to have a rational conversation with someone while they are under the influence. You will just end up fustrated ......In other words, You can't have a rational conversation with irrational people

PuzzledinTX

Thanks to you and everyone who's weighed in so far

Here's the weird thing: one of the chief offenders in my family has admitted to a problem, but asserts that a. She was never an alcoholic, just went through a brief problem that's now completely past b. Says things that imply she's still trying to seek help for herself, but it's for depression, not drinking. Yet, the resources she mentions all deal specifically with alcohol addiction, not depression. c. Does a lot of finger-pointing about this, that and the other thing that whoever did to her that she says is worse than anything she ever did under the influence
Are any of these typical behaviors?

Freedom1990

What difference does it make in your life if these are typical behaviors, honestly?

You have no reason to trust her. End of story.

Who cares if she thinks you're the bad guy?

I'm not everybody's cup of tea either.

I don't lose sleep over it, or give up space in my head rent-free to those people.

PuzzledinTX

None. My main point is if this is behavior typical of an alcoholic, I'll deal with it as such. I'm inclined to think it is, based experience. This is a family member I'm not in a position to completely avoid due to the close proximity location-wise, so it was an honest question. No senseless worries involved