Iwanttoheal

There is an awesome thread by FormerDoormat called the Magical Thinking Zone currently running over on the Family & Friends forum. It has really got me thinking - lots.

Now, I have been through magical thinking with regard to love, marriage, husband, soul-mates, etc with a counsellor 13 years ago. I'm mostly sorted and well-grounded in this area.

However, I have never addressed magical thinking with regard to my parents and it hit me today that in my mid-40s, I am still stuck with my child's of view of what perfect loving parents "should" be. Somehow, I'm still stuck that if only my remaining parent (74) would magically somehow change, my life would be so much better, so much easier.

Here is what some of my magical thinking involves:

Loving parents....

love their children unconditionally
hug and kiss their children
protect their children when they are in danger
comfort their children when they are scared
are proud of their children
put their children first
do not abuse their children – physically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically, verbally, financially
do not neglect their children – they do not let them go hungry, cold, dirty, without clothes, live in poor living conditions
do not expect their children to act as parents and take care of them

Only.....

The reality is that this was not my parents, it never was and never will be.

With my oh, he let me down, I addressed the magical thinking, let it go and grew up. I accepted that my oh cheated on me and moved on.

With my parents, they let me down but I cannot let it go. I have to address this magical thinking but it is so hard. I cannot accept that my parents didn't / don't love me and will not / choose not / are unable to act as loving, responsible parents. But the evidence and their actions speak volumes to the contrary.

I am looking at it full in the face - why can't I accept the truth, what is the block??????????

I don't know if anyone can follow my ramblings but can anyone relate to this.

Looking for enlightenment, IWTHxxx

DesertEyes

oh goodness yes. And just as a "by the way", I didn't really shake it loose till I was in my mid - 40's too, so me thinks you're right on schedule

My block is that my "disease" of ACoA work in very roundabout ways. I too was focused on getting my parents to change and giving me the childhood I never had. For a long time I thought that if I could just let go of wanting _them_ to change, I would be alright.

As it turns out, the problem was in a whole different area. The problem was in _me_, not them, and not in my past.

My problem was that I was afraid of what people would think of me if they found out my parents were shameless drunks. I was afraid people would find out that I really was inadequate, incapable, lazy, dumb, useless and all those other "negative self-assesments" I was carrying around in my head. Somewhere in the twisted brainwashing I received as a child I came up with the formula

bad me = people find out = drunk parents

In my brainwashing I had developed the fantasy that if my parents were _not_ drunks, then people would _not_ judge me, and then maybe I would be a good person after all.

For me, it wasn't about changing my parents, or even changing my fantasy. It as about changing my self esteem.

'course, that took me awhile. But with each improvement in my self-esteem I beame less dependent on others opinions of me, and therefore less afraid of being tainted with the same "color" of my parents behavior. Now I don't care. I know I am a good person, with a few flaws that still need polishing, and I easily share with most anybody that my parents were drunks and I'm lucky I got out of that family alive.

I can even joke about it, tell people with my childhood I could a been a movie star, write a book and got rich

All of my ACoA issues have worked out that way. It's never the obvious things that I am obsessing about, it's always some roundabout connect-the-dots kind of situation where I have to sit down and do the whole fourth and fifth step "inventory" with a good sponsor or shrink.

Mike

Iwanttoheal

Have been coming back to this a few times over the past week.


Tee hee - good to know I'm one of the class

Starting to relate to this now...

Soooo, I've invested a lot of time and energy in the past trying to make my parents see that I need love, care and attention. Now I recognise that my behaviours and actions will not effect change. I no longer want my mother to change because I recognise that she never will and therefore it is futile to continue to want her to change.

So far, so good.

Yip - I now recognise that the problem is somewhere in my skewed thinking and definitely affects my self-esteem.

I have developed a whole web of behaviours and thinking that allows me to avoid my central issue: "What was / is wrong with me that I was / am not worthy of a parent's love" Even now I can only open that box a tiny fraction before I slam it shut, there is so much pain in there.

My faulty fantasy goes - if my parents were not addicts, then their behaviour would change and they would become loving towards me, and that would mean I would be a good person, worthy of love.

Am on the waiting list to see a local health services therapist.

Fourth and fifth step - hmnnn, picture me, the lone wolf circling the pack looking on with both suspicion and interest.

Thanks again Mike

TheGirlInside

I challenge you to change that question to: "What is wrong with him / her / them that they were incapable of showing me love?"

I had an epiphany earlier this year...just sort of out of the blue. My mother is the elder of two daughters, as am I. I have two daughters myself.

It finally hit me. My mother, who has often, over her life, complained about the unfair mistreatment she recieved as a child, divided my sister and I the same way she cried and cried about the way her mother did to she and her sister (who has got to have an entire chapter in the DSM-IV - that story can be fore another time )

Anyhoo...My mother has always treated me like a 'little sh**" always up to something, my acts of kindness / love called into question, and as though I had an ulterior motive. My elder sister has always treated me that way - that I cannot be trusted, that my beliefs had no validity, that if I was in conflict with anyone, it was obviously my fault (even if, 5 minutes before, she was complaining about that very person).

My mother treats my elder daughter as though she can do no wrong, and treats the younger one like she's a snot. They're both great kids, different, but wonderful in their own ways.

However, my mother still looks at ALL sisters the same way: Elder = Good (happy face), Younger = Bad (frowny face).

My epiphany: It's NOT ME. IT WAS NEVER ME. I wasn't flawed, bad, dirty, evil or any of the other innumerable bad things she called me. It was because she saw me through a distorted, blurry filter!! I was always good enough and worthy of love. IT WAS MY MOTHER WHO COULD NOT SEE IT. My validity was there; she simply couldn't see it. The flaw was in her vision of me, not in me.

Holy Frijoles, senora!! That has changed my thinking and healed me beyond anything before it (but, of course, I needed the earlier recovery to be able to get to this place).

The second biggest thing I did to recover recently: I stopped giving a da**. I realized that no matter what I do, say think or feel...no matter how many steps I've completed, how much recovery I've had, it won't matter. In order to preserve their egos, I MUST REMAIN the SCAPEGOAT in their eyes. So, in a sense, I have embraced the 'psycho-Bi***' they have me pegged as. It gets me through the obligated family get-togethers (for my kids to see their cousins).

Hope that helps,