To tell or not to tell co workers. Advice please for a new guy starting recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 10
To tell or not to tell co workers. Advice please for a new guy starting recovery.
Hello all,
Sorry this turned out so long but I just want to introduce myself and ask for some advice.
I'm 38 years old and after 20 years of heavy drinking I couldn't take it anymore and went for professional help. I almost always drink to the point of blacking out. I started out drinking tons of beer and then about 12 years ago moved to the hard stuff. At first my drinking was social but it slowly moved to where I didn't like to drink around other people. The amount I drank continued to increase and for the past 5 years I've drank close to a liter of vodka every night, and occasionally much more during binges on the weekends or when on vacation.
I spent 3 days going through detox in the hospital and then 11 days in inpatient care. I start 2 weeks of intensive outpatient therapy on Monday. Today is 14 days without a drink and both my body and mind are starting to feel better. This is the longest I’ve gone without getting black out drunk since 1994. I do have very elevated liver enzymes but my doctors think I’ll be ok as long as I totally quit drinking. I will have to go for further testing though. When I went for help my doctors asked if I just wanted to reduce my drinking or totally quit. I know it will be tough but through AA and the love of my family I am going to do whatever it takes to never take another drink.
My bosses are all cool with me going for treatment and were actually happy I went for help before things got bad which I’m sure would have happened eventually (irreversible health problems, performance issues at work, legal problems, etc). They even came and visited me when I was in treatment. I've been with the same organization for 17 years and my job performance was always better than average and I always made it to work on time and very rarely called in sick. After drinking so heavy for so long I knew how to avoid bad hangovers that would affect my work and although I’d sometimes feel like crap at work I could handle it (start drinking early so I could quit drinking by 10pm, eat before going to bed, LOTS of water and vitamins, etc). My bosses were all shocked when I told them the extent of my drinking. Our HR regulations prevent any negative consequences from being taken against me since I've had no disciplinary or performance related problems caused by my drinking. As long as I complete treatment (100% paid for by my organization) my career is safe.
The problem I have is that I have a close working relationship with many of my co workers but none of them had any idea about the extent of my drinking. To cover for me and protect my privacy my bosses told my co workers I was out taking care of a family emergency. When I was in inpatient care they didn't let us have access to our cell phones so after 12 days the voice and text messages from my co workers piled up all wishing me and my family well and offering any help I may need. I actually had tears in my eyes when I listened to and read the messages. I'm now torn trying to decide if I should come clean with all of my co workers or make up a half truth or a lie. I lean towards just coming clean when I get back to work in 2 weeks but at the same time I'm afraid they'll look at me differently and some may even look down on me or may no longer trust me. But I am really tired from hiding my drinking from my family, friends, and co workers and I think it would be a relief to just be honest.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Also, this board is awesome and I've been lurking here for several months before joining today. The knowledge on this board is truly incredible.
Chris
Sorry this turned out so long but I just want to introduce myself and ask for some advice.
I'm 38 years old and after 20 years of heavy drinking I couldn't take it anymore and went for professional help. I almost always drink to the point of blacking out. I started out drinking tons of beer and then about 12 years ago moved to the hard stuff. At first my drinking was social but it slowly moved to where I didn't like to drink around other people. The amount I drank continued to increase and for the past 5 years I've drank close to a liter of vodka every night, and occasionally much more during binges on the weekends or when on vacation.
I spent 3 days going through detox in the hospital and then 11 days in inpatient care. I start 2 weeks of intensive outpatient therapy on Monday. Today is 14 days without a drink and both my body and mind are starting to feel better. This is the longest I’ve gone without getting black out drunk since 1994. I do have very elevated liver enzymes but my doctors think I’ll be ok as long as I totally quit drinking. I will have to go for further testing though. When I went for help my doctors asked if I just wanted to reduce my drinking or totally quit. I know it will be tough but through AA and the love of my family I am going to do whatever it takes to never take another drink.
My bosses are all cool with me going for treatment and were actually happy I went for help before things got bad which I’m sure would have happened eventually (irreversible health problems, performance issues at work, legal problems, etc). They even came and visited me when I was in treatment. I've been with the same organization for 17 years and my job performance was always better than average and I always made it to work on time and very rarely called in sick. After drinking so heavy for so long I knew how to avoid bad hangovers that would affect my work and although I’d sometimes feel like crap at work I could handle it (start drinking early so I could quit drinking by 10pm, eat before going to bed, LOTS of water and vitamins, etc). My bosses were all shocked when I told them the extent of my drinking. Our HR regulations prevent any negative consequences from being taken against me since I've had no disciplinary or performance related problems caused by my drinking. As long as I complete treatment (100% paid for by my organization) my career is safe.
The problem I have is that I have a close working relationship with many of my co workers but none of them had any idea about the extent of my drinking. To cover for me and protect my privacy my bosses told my co workers I was out taking care of a family emergency. When I was in inpatient care they didn't let us have access to our cell phones so after 12 days the voice and text messages from my co workers piled up all wishing me and my family well and offering any help I may need. I actually had tears in my eyes when I listened to and read the messages. I'm now torn trying to decide if I should come clean with all of my co workers or make up a half truth or a lie. I lean towards just coming clean when I get back to work in 2 weeks but at the same time I'm afraid they'll look at me differently and some may even look down on me or may no longer trust me. But I am really tired from hiding my drinking from my family, friends, and co workers and I think it would be a relief to just be honest.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Also, this board is awesome and I've been lurking here for several months before joining today. The knowledge on this board is truly incredible.
Chris
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi Chris
Welcome
You'll find a variety of approaches in the members here.
I told everyone - I would have told the postman if he had been around, because it was such a relief to me to accept that I was an alcoholic.
It felt like a new beginning and, indeed, thats what it was for me.
But others feel uncomfortable doing that, and nowadays I can see their point.
Fair or not, there is a lot of stigma attached to alcoholism - many people still think in terms of weakness or lack of character, and alcoholics are still commonly figures of fun in movies etc.
I've never had any negative experiences at all, but you still need to factor all that into your decision.
I didn't have any workmates to 'come out' to, just friends or family.
I think all a workmate is really entitled to is a 'I don't drink anymore, thanks' - how much you feel comfortable in revealing is up to you, Chris
good to have you finally with us on the posting side
D
Welcome
You'll find a variety of approaches in the members here.
I told everyone - I would have told the postman if he had been around, because it was such a relief to me to accept that I was an alcoholic.
It felt like a new beginning and, indeed, thats what it was for me.
But others feel uncomfortable doing that, and nowadays I can see their point.
Fair or not, there is a lot of stigma attached to alcoholism - many people still think in terms of weakness or lack of character, and alcoholics are still commonly figures of fun in movies etc.
I've never had any negative experiences at all, but you still need to factor all that into your decision.
I didn't have any workmates to 'come out' to, just friends or family.
I think all a workmate is really entitled to is a 'I don't drink anymore, thanks' - how much you feel comfortable in revealing is up to you, Chris
good to have you finally with us on the posting side
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 401
It sounds like you have another x2 weeks until you have to make the choice of whether to reveal your alcoholism to others or not. I would just concentrate on your recovery until then.
A lot of my friends & family have noticed me not drinking and when it feels uncomfortable I just tell them I can't drink due to a prescription I'm taking. (a half-truth as the only thing I'm taking is milk thistle to help my liver heal)
A lot of my friends & family have noticed me not drinking and when it feels uncomfortable I just tell them I can't drink due to a prescription I'm taking. (a half-truth as the only thing I'm taking is milk thistle to help my liver heal)
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, ChrisinSA! It's great that you're getting the help you need and are starting to feel better, too. I can see where it would be hard to decide what to tell your coworkers. I can only share what I would do and why.
I would figure that if some people at work (or even non-work friends) knew, it would get out eventually to other people. I guess I would choose to be honest about it without going into the raw details. People go to rehab all the time. I remember when Mary Tyler Moore (a former TV star) went to the Betty Ford Clinic here in the States. She let everyone know upfront that she had become dependent on having a glass or two of wine every night and was having a hard time quitting the habit. Now, I don't know if she was being totally upfront about the amount she was drinking, but I think most people admire others who recognize they have a problem and want to do something about it.
I've told a few people about getting sober (again) and have just said that I "was becoming too dependent on alcohol and felt it was best to stop drinking altogether." That doesn't sound quite as dramatic as "I'm an alcoholic" or "I was drinking a liter of Vodka every day."
In the end, it's whatever you feel comfortable with, but I don't think there's as much taboo about treatment as there once was.
Glad you're here!!!
I would figure that if some people at work (or even non-work friends) knew, it would get out eventually to other people. I guess I would choose to be honest about it without going into the raw details. People go to rehab all the time. I remember when Mary Tyler Moore (a former TV star) went to the Betty Ford Clinic here in the States. She let everyone know upfront that she had become dependent on having a glass or two of wine every night and was having a hard time quitting the habit. Now, I don't know if she was being totally upfront about the amount she was drinking, but I think most people admire others who recognize they have a problem and want to do something about it.
I've told a few people about getting sober (again) and have just said that I "was becoming too dependent on alcohol and felt it was best to stop drinking altogether." That doesn't sound quite as dramatic as "I'm an alcoholic" or "I was drinking a liter of Vodka every day."
In the end, it's whatever you feel comfortable with, but I don't think there's as much taboo about treatment as there once was.
Glad you're here!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Hello Chris,
Congratulations on taking your life back.
I literally could've written your story...the whole progression, ability to work, etc.
It is *awesome* that your bosses and HR dept are behind you all the way on this. Despite the EmployeeAssistanceProgram for addiction/alcoholism, some organizations and people still don't get it. I'm so glad that yours does.
Forgive me, but you said that you and your co-workers have a close relationship. Is it possible some, possibly most, if not all, might already know or at least suspect that you had a drinking problem?
I thought I had fooled alot of people doing the same things you did (in bed early, working with hang-overs, not calling in sick). It turned out that people I worked closely with did know I had a problem; they just didn't know how to talk to me about it or dared to bring it up first.
Like you, I had a cover-up story too that almost everyone went along with because, again, nobody wanted to embarass me or themselves.
My feeling is that as long as your bosses and HR dept are behind you, it'd probably feel a whole lot better to just come clean about it, without the in-depth details, which aren't necessary.
If they are that close to you, certainly they'll understand that you weren't well; alcoholism is not something we go around waving flags and banners around over.
And if some of them don't understand or feel put out or deceived, well, perhaps they weren't that close after all. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Doing what's best for you and your recovery usually has a way of making everything else fall into place.
God Bless.
Congratulations on taking your life back.
I literally could've written your story...the whole progression, ability to work, etc.
It is *awesome* that your bosses and HR dept are behind you all the way on this. Despite the EmployeeAssistanceProgram for addiction/alcoholism, some organizations and people still don't get it. I'm so glad that yours does.
Forgive me, but you said that you and your co-workers have a close relationship. Is it possible some, possibly most, if not all, might already know or at least suspect that you had a drinking problem?
I thought I had fooled alot of people doing the same things you did (in bed early, working with hang-overs, not calling in sick). It turned out that people I worked closely with did know I had a problem; they just didn't know how to talk to me about it or dared to bring it up first.
Like you, I had a cover-up story too that almost everyone went along with because, again, nobody wanted to embarass me or themselves.
My feeling is that as long as your bosses and HR dept are behind you, it'd probably feel a whole lot better to just come clean about it, without the in-depth details, which aren't necessary.
If they are that close to you, certainly they'll understand that you weren't well; alcoholism is not something we go around waving flags and banners around over.
And if some of them don't understand or feel put out or deceived, well, perhaps they weren't that close after all. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Doing what's best for you and your recovery usually has a way of making everything else fall into place.
God Bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 10
All, thanks for the quick replies. This new concept of being sober at this time on a Saturday night is new to me and actually pretty cool. I also won’t have to wake up tomorrow and wonder if I called or emailed anyone when I was drunk and I won’t have to spend an hour searching the house for the tv and stereo remote controls which I somehow always found a new place to hide them from myself.
There is a good chance that a few if not many people know what is happening. There is one member of management that knows who does have a habit of talking too much and gossiping so she may have let it slip. There is also a good chance some people may have at least suspected I was a drinker although the never directly brought it up to me. On several occasions in the last year, people have told me I looked drained and tired and one fellow co worker has asked a couple of times if I was ok. I probably gave myself too much credit thinking that nobody knew or at least suspected my drinking. I do have a couple of weeks to make my decision but I’ll probably just be honest about it. If I made up a half truth or lie it could cause me to lose even more credibility if they already know or suspect the truth. Like was suggested by ARTSOUL , I’ll probably just say I was drinking more than I was comfortable with but probably won’t mention drinking till I blacked out, quantities, etc.
Thanks again,
Chris
There is a good chance that a few if not many people know what is happening. There is one member of management that knows who does have a habit of talking too much and gossiping so she may have let it slip. There is also a good chance some people may have at least suspected I was a drinker although the never directly brought it up to me. On several occasions in the last year, people have told me I looked drained and tired and one fellow co worker has asked a couple of times if I was ok. I probably gave myself too much credit thinking that nobody knew or at least suspected my drinking. I do have a couple of weeks to make my decision but I’ll probably just be honest about it. If I made up a half truth or lie it could cause me to lose even more credibility if they already know or suspect the truth. Like was suggested by ARTSOUL , I’ll probably just say I was drinking more than I was comfortable with but probably won’t mention drinking till I blacked out, quantities, etc.
Thanks again,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
C-SA
Great question. At some point the truth will come out.. You boss told the best truth he could and let you make the call.
For me I was tired of what story was being told to who.. I gained more respect by being honest. Now, did I tell every detail, No. just that I had an issue and sought treatment.
Some close friends know more after talking. Today I don't hold my being sober back if asked. I don't go around tooting my 'soberness' to every Joe but when I think I might help someone who has a loved one or is dealing with it I'm wide open to questions.
Edit Add: True story
I have a coworker. On his first day at work before lunch I knew his son was being molsted by his exwifes boyfriend and his new wife was a Russion paid for bride. On the way from the parking lot to the place for lunch I said that was more than enough info for one morning....So it is possible to puke/spill on others! LOL
AG
Great question. At some point the truth will come out.. You boss told the best truth he could and let you make the call.
For me I was tired of what story was being told to who.. I gained more respect by being honest. Now, did I tell every detail, No. just that I had an issue and sought treatment.
Some close friends know more after talking. Today I don't hold my being sober back if asked. I don't go around tooting my 'soberness' to every Joe but when I think I might help someone who has a loved one or is dealing with it I'm wide open to questions.
Edit Add: True story
I have a coworker. On his first day at work before lunch I knew his son was being molsted by his exwifes boyfriend and his new wife was a Russion paid for bride. On the way from the parking lot to the place for lunch I said that was more than enough info for one morning....So it is possible to puke/spill on others! LOL
AG
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Just tell em straight. You don't have to tell them the extent of your drinking or anything but just make it crystal clear that you will never be touching another drop of alcohol ever again! It will also help stengthen your sobriety too. Work functions/parties you wont get pressured to drink and all your co-workers will know the score.
I make everybody aware that I don't drink who needs to know. I am so pleased that I have too. I get respected for it to be honest. They know that I lived the life and got out and have turned my life around.
Your Place of work sounds like a good place man. Make the most of it by being honest. You will find your recovery to be more gratifying and rewarding if you are honest. Just my experience. I always just tailor what I say to the indiviual who I may be speaking to obviously.
Peace
I make everybody aware that I don't drink who needs to know. I am so pleased that I have too. I get respected for it to be honest. They know that I lived the life and got out and have turned my life around.
Your Place of work sounds like a good place man. Make the most of it by being honest. You will find your recovery to be more gratifying and rewarding if you are honest. Just my experience. I always just tailor what I say to the indiviual who I may be speaking to obviously.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Christin welcome to SR. You have plenty of support here and tons of useful info/experience.
It is wonderful that your company is supporting you and as for telling your colleagues that all depends on how you see it and how much you really want to share with them.
I personally would not feel any need to share with my colleagues. Work is work at the end of the day and I keep work separate from personal.
When my husband recently was reassigned to desk duty for mental health reasons only his boss and higher up knew. He did not share anything with others.
If these folks are friends of yours (the kind that come by with chicken soup or pick you up if you are broken down on the road) then I don't see why not. General coworkers....well I wouldn't.
My recovery is for me and only those who truly care know about my alcoholism. The rest.....bluh....hehe.
Do what you feel is right. Know that once you say it....you can't take it back. Early sobriety can be so invigorating.
All the best and so glad you are starting your journey.
It is wonderful that your company is supporting you and as for telling your colleagues that all depends on how you see it and how much you really want to share with them.
I personally would not feel any need to share with my colleagues. Work is work at the end of the day and I keep work separate from personal.
When my husband recently was reassigned to desk duty for mental health reasons only his boss and higher up knew. He did not share anything with others.
If these folks are friends of yours (the kind that come by with chicken soup or pick you up if you are broken down on the road) then I don't see why not. General coworkers....well I wouldn't.
My recovery is for me and only those who truly care know about my alcoholism. The rest.....bluh....hehe.
Do what you feel is right. Know that once you say it....you can't take it back. Early sobriety can be so invigorating.
All the best and so glad you are starting your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 66
Word will filter out in the office environment anyway. If you feel up to it, I think gathering a few co-workers and letting it fly is the best thing to do. I'm sure you'll feel amazing after that, and they will respect you coming clean (I'm sure a few suspected you drinking).
Trying to pass it off as something else is a bit like covering up your drinking in the first place.
Trying to pass it off as something else is a bit like covering up your drinking in the first place.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I've always followed the "Tell the truth" policy in recovery.
As far as I know....it's never been a hinderance in any way to me.
I was ashamed of the alcoholic me....I refuse to be
ashamed of my sucessful recovery.
I've been an active AA member for 25 years.
I'm pleased you are planning to recover with us
It's an awesome adventure......
Welcome to our recovery community
As far as I know....it's never been a hinderance in any way to me.
I was ashamed of the alcoholic me....I refuse to be
ashamed of my sucessful recovery.
I've been an active AA member for 25 years.
I'm pleased you are planning to recover with us
It's an awesome adventure......
Welcome to our recovery community
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Tell as much as you feel comfortable with to those you feel comfortable about telling. You don't have to do a 'true confessions' but the truth will set you free. Good for you for giving it up!
Welcome to the SR family!
Welcome to the SR family!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I would wait and not give out too much information to everyone you work with....as Dee mentioned there is a stigma attached to alcoholism....as time goes on you will make the decision to tell as you need to, but i think you should value your privacy and your co-workers should respect it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 318
Trust yourself to know what to do when the situation presents itself. You will know what to do based on your audience, and based on the conversation that you are having. Until then, focus on your recovery and getting yourself well. If people ask, be honest; but keep in mind you don't have to tell everyone every single detail unless you want to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 343
ChrisinSA, first of all congratulations on your decision to quit drinking. I am an alcoholic, sober quite a few years, and I cannot imagine returning to what I used to do to myself. I did most of my drinking in my hometown, so everyone already knew I had a problem. After treatment I took a job in a community where my new sober friends were living. I asked a question similar to yours, and someone asked me, "Why would they need to know?" In my case I had co-workers on the job; they were not friends, and we were not close. In fact, some could be pretty sabotaging. When I quit smoking a few years ago I didn't tell my co-workers at first, because some (not all)would have loved to see me fail. My point is that there really is not clear answer to this one. It can depend on the nature of your work, on the kinds of relationships you have with others, etc. As others pointed out, you really don't have to make a decision right now. I know that there have been times in my recovery life that I trusted people with that information and came to regret it. I think that people will notice the changes, whether they knew you were drinking or not. It could be that you'll just know when the time is right to confide in people.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 10
All, thanks for the replies. I'm definitely going to take my time and think this one through. I am friends with one of my bosses and I'm going to call him sometime this week to find out if rumors are already going around.
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
For what its worth Chris, I wouldn't tell them, not straight away anyway.
I'm 2 years into my recovery and I've still told vitually nobody.
You have the rest of your life ahead of you to tell whoever you want to as and when your ready.
Once you've told folk though you can't take it back, danger is you'll be then known as the alcoholic for the rest of your working days. Maybe your fine with that, in which case fine.
You can't tell folk then change your mind though and untell them, you can however keep it to yourself and tell them at some other point in the future when your sure your ready.
All the best and well done on getting this far.
I'm 2 years into my recovery and I've still told vitually nobody.
You have the rest of your life ahead of you to tell whoever you want to as and when your ready.
Once you've told folk though you can't take it back, danger is you'll be then known as the alcoholic for the rest of your working days. Maybe your fine with that, in which case fine.
You can't tell folk then change your mind though and untell them, you can however keep it to yourself and tell them at some other point in the future when your sure your ready.
All the best and well done on getting this far.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 151
I would tell the truth or simply say nothing at all. I think I was way too open about my recovery in the early days and compromised the anonymity of others who were helping me learn my way around the rooms in the process. Consider sharing your story only on a need to know basis. Your doctor for the sake of your health, your bosses for the sake of job security (or not...only you know the answer to that), and close family to mend rifts and earn support and understanding from loved ones.
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