KerBearz

Hi everyone,

I am looking for a little guidance... the situation is this. My AH is currently serving 6 months in the county jail for violation(s) of his probation for his last DUI. He gets out for work release 6 days a week, but has to spend his evenings in the jail. He has already done numerous court ordered 30 day treatments, house arrest, sober housing, etc. and says he wants to be sober and is intending to stay sober.

I talk to him several times a day and it has been very cordial and pleasant ~ kindof "how are things going?" and "what are the kids up to?" conversations. I do not feel sorry for him, but I am feeling lonely and a little sorry for myself.

When I found out that he was going to do 6 months in jail, I decided that would be a perfect opportunity for me to get my affairs together, meet with a lawyer and come up with a plan. I do not want to go back to living with active addiction and I want to have a plan in place for when/ if he starts drinking again. My problem is this - I have no idea how to do this. I don't know what questions to ask or where to find a good lawyer. Do I see a lawyer now while things are calm and easy? Or do I wait and see what happens when he gets out? I know I've asked some of these questions before, but I am feeling really stuck.

I am willing to stay married to this man, but I can't live with the "ism" of alcoholism anymore. Maybe 6 months in jail is the kick he needs, maybe it's not. Any advice? Thanks, KerBearz

spinwc

Never hurts to have a plan in place. Being prepared for you and your children is the #1 priority. I would go, see what the lawyer has to say, see what your options are. Being a step ahead could be a little bit of peace of mind for you.

Good luck! I will be praying for you

mrphillipctrs1

I like your thread topic, good sense of humor.

I would definitely make plans. I wish there was an insurance policy for this type of situation, that would take care of it all, but no.................

If you are thinking about it, I think you ought to do it. I often hear, I should have listened to my gut.

I will pray as well. I use let go, Let God.

HealingWillCome

Creating the plan now, while things are calm, will be easier than doing so in the middle of chaos. At this point, you don't know if 6 months in jail will be the "kick in the pants" that he needs.

Who do you know in your area that can recommend a good lawyer? My best professional help has always come from the recommendations of people I trust.

You are in my prayers.

tjp613

You would be smart to go ahead and find a lawyer now. I would suggest that you get 3 recommendations from friends or relatives and begin the interview process. Most likely your first meeting will be free of charge. At least that way you will have a lawyer picked out and ready to go and will be armed with more information than you have now with regard to special issues you might have, retainer fees, etc. Information is always good.

Keep us posted and be well.

KerBearz

Thank you for the feedback everyone. As far as getting professional recommendations - that will be difficult because I only have a couple of divorced friends that can't give me a recommendation (out of state and no longer practicing). Maybe I'll have to try some al-anon people. I haven't wanted to advertise it quite yet, so I am trying to be discreet. The prayer offers honestly moved me to tears... thank you for praying! What an awesome place this is!

Pelican

Alanon members may be able to help you find a local counselor. Is there a member in your group that you would be comfortable speaking with by phone or after your next meeting? They may be able to help you find options in your area.

A lawyer will be able to tell you general guidelines for your state.
It helped me to stop the cycle of worrying over the future, by getting the facts from a lawyer about what I could realistically expect to happen. I was able to ask about all my options. I consulted one attorney by phone, and a second one in a face to face visit. I chose the second attorney.

ItsmeAlice

What's that old saying?...."People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan."

Why not use the time when you have some space to at least do the research and formulate a plan. Find a lawyer you like, talk to him/her about your situation, get some questions answered. Just because you speak to someone doesn't mean you are filing anything, you're just trying to understand what the process is. Then you have that number in your pocket and that knowledge to draw on if things do start to spiral when he gets home. When things are falling apart it's often hard to see the right path just out of shock, but having a plan and a fallback position will give you peace in the face of chaos.

This philosophy works for me now even long since separated from my XABF.

Our neighbor has a an older, overweight black lab. Delightful dog, bit of a cat chaser, but very sweet.....that is until I try to walk my pups beyond our yard....when she is out in her yard, she turns insanely aggressive and charges us barking, snarling, gnashing her teeth. It's terrifying for me and for my dogs. It has happened a handful of times and we've escaped her. This last time she charged out, came to our yard, and attacked my beagle mix. I was able to pull him away at the last second and kick at her. He was unharmed, thank goodness, and she did retreat back enough for us to get away.

I am reluctant to report her owners as I can't bear to be the cause of her being put down, which our county is known to do.

I certainly realized I had to make a plan to protect us. I went to a tactical shop today and with the help of some very nice folks, I got myself some defensive spray. As I am more likely to spray myself or my own dogs in the terror of an attack, I made sure to get extra spray to practice with. The pups and I have been out on the deck practicing our quick draw moves. With practice we will be able to handle ourselves better and maybe even teach that old dog what her owners have failed to.

Good luck to you!!

Alice

Jazzman

I would expect an attorney will want to know for sure if you plan to get a divorce or plan to get educated on the domestic laws of your state. I did a lot of research on domestic law on my states court website and learned all about grounds for divorce, typical alimony and child support guidelines and property settlement guidelines and the overall divorce process. Getting your financial affairs together like separate bank accounts and any loans or debts you can would be a great start.

What happens when he's released from jail? Does he expect to come home or find another place to live? Reason I ask is because if he comes home right after jail you might have missed a great opportunity you'll never get back.

alwaysthinking2

my massage therapist, who is a very wise woman, gave this advice in choosing a divorce lawyer: "pick someone you will be ok hearing bad news from." her point, i think, was that divorce is difficult and emotional, even if you get most of what you want out of it.

good luck with everything.

at2

sesh

I think what Jazzman said is something you should think about very carefully. You have all the info you need right now, you know what is it like having him around and you aslo know what is it like when he's not around. What you can't know for sure at the moment is if he's serious about his recovery and if it's going to be sucesfull. My advice is weight your cons and pros very carefully. In any case try to prepare yourself for any case scenario. That's my advice.
If I were you I'd minimize phone contact even more to get some more breathing space.
My situation is different from yours. My AH was in hospital for the past month with liver cihrrosis. He was disscharged few days ago and I had to take him back home with us, since he's health is still very poor and he literaly has no other place to go. I don't know for sure if he's going to stay sober and work on his recovery. Docs say it is miracle he surivived, but no one can know if that miracle is going to be enough for him to keep him on the right path.
While he was not living with us, kids and I started having very nice, calm life. Having him back here is not easy on any of us. Not only because he's sick, but also because there is a great risk we might start ralaxing and trusting him again, just to receive another blow if he slips back into old patterns. Having him back here, I have to keep working on my own recovery twice as hard and keep teaching my kids by example. It is very hard.
You're the only one that knows what is the right thing to do for you, but I really hope you'll think it all through very hard, and decide what can you gain and what can you lose in each case sceanario.
I wish you well

Thumper

I'd get all finances in order. Seperate some accounts. Gather all relavent information for debts/assets and dates ie - dates of debts/asset versus date of marriage matter in some states.

With his history have you two considered that he should get out and work on recovery for an additional 6 months in the real world before moving back home. It might save you and the kids a lot of stress no matter which way it works out. I can't imagine the first 6 months are going to be a joy ride even if he does full on recovery work. I sure wish I'd have held my ground on that idea when my xah got out of a 30 day treatment program.

Sasha4

Personally and from experience I would start now.

When my ex left, I put off and put off - I imagined it would be an awful process, selling houses etc etc.

However, once they come back it's harder and harder to start that process especially when they live in the same house.

In hindsight, I wish I had taken the opportunity and done it. Who knows where I would be now? Probably in a better place.

Just ask yourself one thing - you say you talk several times a day and it's pleasant and he asks how the kids are - did he do this when he was drinking?

xx

KerBearz

You all have given me a lot to think about... thanks for the replies. I think that I definitely need to do what you've recommended about picking out and getting info from a lawyer, gathering financial documents and things of that nature. I need to start the ball rolling, so I can just file the papers when the time comes.

I do need to decide about whether he comes home after he gets out of jail - or not. On one hand, I want him to come home - find out what happens - so I can proceed with the divorce. I feel like delaying it another 6 months (or whatever time frame we decide on), is just simply delaying it! Because of our history, I believe that he will drink again when he gets out. I have told him that I am not going back to living with active addiction (but to be honest he has heard that many times!)

On the other hand, I believe in God and in miracles.... could happen. Maybe I am being naive, but sobriety could possibly happen. I believe that either way, I will be fine.

The kids are in college and won't be home when he gets out. The only one left at home is a senior in high school this year, so we won't have custody issues to fight about.

Sasha, you asked about my husband's interest in the kids when he was drinking and the answer is yes, he has always been interested in the kids. He believes that he has been a great dad and that the kids love him unconditionally. I think that when he is drinking - he is not a good dad or a good husband. I also think the kids have really distanced themselves from him emotionally because it is too painful to be around him when he is not sober! There are definite trust issues here.

I really, really appreciate the feedback! Thank you.

HealingWillCome

Me too, KerBearz. And praying for the miracles is a big part of what has made it so hard for me to let go of XABF. I believe in miracles, and so I prayed and prayed and prayed...and learned that it just wasn't meant to be.

I pray that your miracle does come true! But...you are right...either way you will be fine, because you will choose to be fine. What I believe about prayers is that what we ask for is answered in one of three ways: 1) Yes; 2) Not right now; or 3) No, because something better lies ahead.

You are on the right path.

KerBearz

Little update: I made an appointment today to see a lawyer (end of July). I'm taking baby steps and I'm feeling a little frightened about all this.

SashaMB

Good for you! Finding out how to legally protect yourself with a lawyer is a great idea, and you should be really proud of yourself for taking that step. I also believe in miracles, but you should not have to suffer in your own home while waiting on a miracle. God can change your husband if he is willing to change and willing to work for it, but it doesn't have to be in your home. Another miracle can be that you get back the happiness, safety and sanity that you deserve! And that's a miracle that you can work for regardless of what your husband chooses to do.

Sasha

Daisy30

(((hugs))) I know how difficult this is.

My thought is since your AH is currently out of the house I would keep it that way. It will be a lot harder to get him out again......later. I would let him know honestly, that you are not ready to have him live with you right now. That you would need to see significant change over a long period of time inorder to believe that he is sober.

It is okay to say that you need some time. Actually it is very healthy.
My thought is, if he comes back into the house it will business as usual again in a few months